Chapter 32
October 23, 2023
Hilde:
I just heard everything. I’m so sorry Brynn. I liked working with you.
Brynn:
Don’t apologise, it’s not your fault.
Hilde:
Well, about that, I might have done something bad...
If life were a movie, Sienna would have shown up at the diner. We’d have had a magical moment, then the next morning I’d have gone downtown to slay Doug the dragon and by the time I was leaving the daycare, cleaning off my proverbial sword, I’d have run into Lucas and slain him too, and then I’d have got a call from The Paris Review offering me the job without an interview.
But because life isn’t a movie, what actually happens is that I send my internship application off from the diner at one in the morning, head back to the dark apartment and fall into the most fitful sleep because of all the coffee I’ve drunk.
In the morning after I’ve dragged myself into the shower, pulled on trackpants and a hoodie and snuggled up on Jenny, I send a text to Robert update him on my plan and on the fact that I’ve been fired. He answers straight away and asks to meet for a coffee.
We meet downtown at a cosy café not far from The Strand but I’m shocked into silence when I see him. He looks unwell. There’s something grey about his complexion. It hasn’t been that long since we last shared a shift and I wonder if his colouring just seems different without his red Dogue’s shirt and matching jeans. I’m about to ask Robert if he’s okay, but the server comes to take us to our seats and then he’s ordering coffees.
‘Sorry that the shit finally hit the fan with Doug,’ he says. ‘But you lasted longer than most.’
I laugh. ‘That might actually be reassuring if the rest of my life hadn’t crashed and burned at the same time.’
Robert grunts. ‘So what are you going to do next?’
‘Well, I applied for my internship, but I’ve got even less chance of getting it this time around than I did the last because of everything that’s happened.’
‘That Lucas guy did a real number on you, hey?’
‘Yeah. Turns out he and Doug had that in common. The thing with Hilde didn’t help either.’
Robert leans forward, frowning. ‘What thing?’
‘She texted this morning to confess she’d been talking to one of the new girls in the store about how she’d seen me and Angelo leaving the store together and Doug was standing there.’
Robert sets his mug down and looks confused. ‘Wait what? You went out with Angelo?’
I cringe but then explain to him about the “not date” date. He roars with laughter and I can’t help but join in and then all of a sudden Robert’s laughs turn to coughing, and when I hear the rattle from his chest, I feel as though my heart has stopped. I know that sound. I sat next to Mum in palliative care while she coughed like that.
He sees the look on my face and once the coughing has calmed he reaches out and touches my hand. ‘I wanted to tell you sooner, kid, but I remembered about your mom and I didn’t want to upset you.’
It all clicks in my mind. Robert’s ill look that’s been worsening over the weeks. The doctor’s appointments. ‘It’s cancer ?’ I say, my voice almost a whisper.
Robert nods and my heart sinks. ‘Lung. And I never picked up a cigarette in all my fifty years.’
‘Can they treat it?’
‘They want me to start chemo, but I don’t have insurance.’
My eyes well with tears and I swipe them away angrily. This isn’t about me or mum, but my whole body is flashing back to the day she told me she had pancreatic cancer and only had months left to live. This isn’t the same. It doesn’t have to be the same. But without insurance maybe it will be.
‘What about the Marines? Don’t they have insurance?’
‘I can go to the VA but it’s not free and, funnily enough, working thirty-five hours a week at doggy daycare hasn’t given me the savings to pay for even the discounted treatment. But look, kid, don’t worry about me, you got your own stuff going on. I’ll be okay.’ He smiles and I can see the effort it takes him to arrange his features into an easygoing expression.
When Mum was sick, she would say things like that too. That our lives—me, Chris and Matty—weren’t ending so we weren’t allowed to stop. She’d wanted me to keep going to uni, to keep going to drinks at Cardigan Bar with the girls, to go on dates with Scott. I’d tried. I struggled with my classes, couldn’t keep up with my friends’ conversations, and was stepping back from all my relationships. I didn’t tell Mum any of it. I hadn’t wanted her to think that all of it was because of her, even though much of it was. It was hard to enjoy anything while my mum was dying, but it was hard to worry about my problems too. It’s part of why I hadn’t dealt with the Scott stuff, and probably why I hadn’t been able to tell Jacq to stop pushing me.
‘I do have my own stuff going on,’ I tell Robert. ‘But that doesn’t mean this isn’t important to me,’ I say. ‘You’re my friend and I want to hear it. And I have time. I am unemployed, after all.’
He squeezes my hand, and we sit like that for a long time.
I manage to hold my tears back until Robert and I have said goodbye and then I just start walking.
In the time I’ve been here, I’ve watched the summer give way to fall, and found my feet. I’ve managed to move past my experience with Scott and I’ve closed the chapter on my friendship with Jacq. I’ve walked streets where my mum once walked, made new friends online who are learning about her through the missions she set for me, and I’ve been chasing my dreams even if I have been falling short constantly. This place hasn’t given me anything that I’ve expected but it’s been amazing, and I want it to keep being amazing.
After walking for a little while, I pass Tompkins Square Park and look in the dog park, spotting a few familiar puppies from the parade, and then I walk a couple more blocks and find myself outside Sienna’s apartment. My skin tingles with anticipation. Even though showing up at someone’s place unannounced didn’t go so well last time, I take a deep breath and ring the buzzer.
‘Yeah?’ Her voice comes through the intercom.
‘It’s Brynn. Can we talk?’
There’s a pause and some static through the speaker. ‘Actually talk or are you going to run away again?’
I deserve that. ‘Actually talk,’ I say. ‘You can hide my shoes if you like.’
‘Sweetie, I seem to recall you took off barefoot last night.’
I bark out a laugh. ‘I didn’t actually go on the street without shoes. But seriously, I promise I will stay put till we’re done talking. Even if you want to yell at me.’
She buzzes me in, and I take the stairs two at a time. She’s left the apartment door open. Soft music is playing and she’s sitting at her desk with a portable mirror open in front of her and makeup spread across the desk’s surface. The room is bathed in warm light and she’s wrapped in a green silk bathrobe that’s open to reveal a matching bra sparkling with crystals. Her hair is in rollers and she looks like a ’50s movie star, complete with the coupe glass of champagne.
‘I’ve got a gig,’ she says, her tone flat. ‘Afternoon gigs are the worst.’
The urge to turn and run is strong, my feelings are so overwhelming and I’m so scared of dealing with them—of how things will change when I say the words out loud. I take a deep, steadying breath. ‘I’ve fucked things up. You’ve been a good friend and I let things get one-sided.’ It’s not exactly what I wanted to say, but her expression softens.
‘Sit down. You look like you’re about to fall over.’
She gestures at the bed and gets up from the table, sort of unfolding herself from behind the chair. She crosses the room and brings over a bottle of sparkling wine, pouring me a glass and refilling her own.
She takes a long sip while I strip off my coat.
‘Nice to see you dressed up for me,’ she says, taking in the trackies and hoodie.
‘We can’t all be bombshells,’ I say.
She frowns, sitting down next to me. ‘I wish you wouldn’t put yourself down.’
‘I know, me too,’ I say. ‘But I’ve absorbed stuff from other people.’
‘Can’t you absorb stuff from people who think you’re beautiful?’
‘It’s hard. But I want to try.’
‘So, here’s the thing,’ she says, turning back to her station and dipping a brush into a palette in front of her. ‘I am into you.’
Something like relief floods through my body, but it’s accompanied by something else: a quickening of my heart. I’ve been pushing it back since I’d first seen Sienna dance, and it was something more than just marvelling at how confident and sexy she was in her skin. It was the way she met my eyes and something passed through us: we didn’t even know each other then, but it was like a part of us did.
‘Me too,’ I say quietly. ‘I mean, I don’t think I’m gay but I’m definitely into you.’
She spins around on her seat. ‘Don’t play with me because that’s cruel.’
‘No, no, I swear I’m not. But I was with my awful boyfriend back home for so long and I never had a chance to really think about what I wanted. And I started having these feelings for you and I didn’t know what they were. I didn’t even put together that I could maybe ... not only like men? It was all a bit overwhelming, which is why I ran after we kissed.’
‘Gay panic.’
I shift on the bed. ‘It has a name?’
‘Yes, and it’s super cliché,’ she says. ‘After all the shit I’ve been through, falling for a girl who keeps running away when we get close hurts a lot. I’ve got too much going on at the moment to be pining like I am. And I’m sorry, Brynn, I know you’ve got a lot to deal with too, but if you can’t face up to your feelings, I’m going to stop showing up for you. I need to protect myself.’ Her eyes are full of tears and her fingers are twisting together tightly.
My face burns. I hate that I’ve caused her pain. ‘I’m so sorry, Sienna,’ I say. I’m leaning forward on the bed like my whole body is drawn to her. ‘I’ve spent so long pushing my feelings down that when I started to let myself feel them they just got too much. I’m so shame for how I hurt you. But if you give me a chance I’ll spend all my time here, however long that is, making it up to you.’
I have to force myself to breathe while I wait for her reply. I watch her thoughts dance across her face in little movements. She bites her lips and looks at me through those long false lashes. She is like a movie star—a genuine bombshell.
‘I might be able to forgive you.’ Slowly she gets up, the silky robe swishing around her body as she crosses the room. My eyes are glued to hers as she gets closer. I can smell her perfume and the smooth sweetness of her foundation powder.
She takes my hand and pulls me off the bed. My heart thuds as she wraps her arms around my waist. Her eyes dip to my lips and then back up to my eyes.
‘But Sienna,’ I start, breathless. My body tenses, even though it’s the exact opposite reaction to what I want it to have right now. ‘I don’t know how long I’m going to be staying in New York, everything’s up in the air now.’
Her fingers lift and trace a slow, teasing path down my cheek and I forget what I was saying a second before her lips meet mine. I’ve had some good kisses since I’ve been in this city, but there’s something about the way Sienna kisses that sends sparks shooting all the way through my body. I relax against her, and it just feels ... right.
‘Can we just give it a go?’ she asks against my lips. ‘For however long you’ve got here?’
I feel as though the wind’s been knocked out of me and I can’t make my mouth form the words to tell her I want nothing more than that. I sigh into her mouth and when we break away, she pulls me into a hug, and I know that this is the magic New York moment I’ve been waiting for.