Jackson #3
“You think they’ll be able to tell if somebody was wearing underwear?” Colt jabs his entire arm toward the fenced riding arena where Denny’s climbing on the back of a horse in the chute. “Meanwhile he’s doing some ranch bronc shit out there.”
Austin whistles to get the crowd’s attention, and Odessa shrieks and excitedly jumps off my chair, running to stand on the metal fence rails to watch.
Within seconds, Denny and a wild bronc are soaring through the arena.
His plastic crown immediately goes flying, and the fairy wand held tight in his free hand follows suit.
The sun glimmers across the glitter I’m now certain he’s covered in, making his bare arms shimmer.
With every buck, Denny’s dress whooshes all around him, floating up through the air, then falling around his knees. He looks absolutely ridiculous.
Bubbles of laughter fizz inside my stomach, becoming more intense the harder I try to tamp them down, until the urge to laugh overcomes my need for self-preservation.
Typically, laughing, sneezing, or anything more than calmly speaking makes the pain in my head unbearable.
But aside from some uncomfortable pressure, everything feels okay.
Maybe I’ll pay for it later, but right now I’m laughing.
Denny falls from the horse sometime before the unofficial buzzer, but he stands up so triumphantly, it feels like a win. He pumps his fist in the air as Red runs across the thick arena sand to slap the crown back on Denny’s head, and everyone cheers—myself included.
“That was great,” I say through the waning bouts of laughter. “Like that time he dressed up in one of those inflatable dinosaur costumes for the Halloween charity rodeo in town.”
Kate’s hand smacks against my arm, and only then do I realize what I’ve just said. I look at her, wide-eyed. Fearful? Hopeful? I have no idea.
My dad leans forward in his chair. His voice thickens. “Y-you remember that?”
“I…I guess I do.” I desperately try to recall specifics of that day, but they’re foggy. Present, but foggy. And the harder I try to remember them, the more it feels like they’re slipping away. It’s as if I stumbled upon a memory, rather than holding one of my own.
“Jackson, this is so good,” Kate says with nervous excitement. “What else do you remember?”
“Um…shit. I don’t know. I don’t know how I made that pop up in my brain the way it did.
” I focus my gaze on the grass, letting my brain wander in the hopes I’ll pick up another straggler memory, but it’s all a dark void.
When I think about something specific—something I should remember, like my wedding day—there’s simply nothing.
It’s black. As if it never happened at all.
“I wish I could remember everything else.”
“It’s okay. The doctor said it’ll come with time. This is a great first step,” she reassures me.
Dad nods. “Earlier I said sun, fresh air, and family time is good for you. Told you so.”
“I don’t want to get anybody’s hopes up,” I say.
Kate’s thumb finds the back of my hand, drawing those small hearts she always does, pulling my eyes to meet hers.
When I say I don’t want anybody to get their hopes up, I mean her.
Because she’s holding on to hope like she’s lost at sea and hanging on to an overturned boat, and I don’t want this little glitch in my fucked-up brain to be the ship she sees in the distance.
The thing she recklessly swims toward only to find out it’s a mirage.
I do my best to ignore her soothing touch. “Maybe it’s not a real memory…. Denny might’ve told me about that when he came to visit in the hospital one time.”
Dad’s instantly skeptical. “You think Denny brought up a random bronc ride from when you boys were in high school? Doubt it.”
“He could’ve.” I shrug. “He loves to relive his glory days any chance he gets.”
Kate’s hopefulness falters. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see if you remember anything else.”
Odessa bounds toward us with a smile spread wide across her face, thrilled about Denny’s bronc ride and her uncles wearing princess dresses.
And probably more than anything, she’s thrilled about me being here.
Even though I’m still a shell of the person she knows and loves, she throws her scrawny arms around my neck and squeezes tight.
I’m glad I came outside for this. If anything, maybe Denny was right the other day when he told me there’s an opportunity to make new memories with these people.
Though I don’t remember these kids, and don’t know if I ever will, they need more than a dad who can’t bring himself to leave his bed.
Neither of them deserve to grow up in a home where they feel anything less than loved, even if I have to fake it for now.
And if a time comes when I wake up and know everything about my marriage, I’m sure I’ll be unable to forgive myself if Kate resents me for the way I’ve been acting.
“I love you, Daddy. Thank you for coming to the party,” Odessa whisper-yells directly into my ear. It hurts in more than one sense of the word.