Kate
He remembered something.
Maybe it wasn’t much, and he entirely shut down when he was pressed for details, but for a moment I saw hope color his face. And I’ve been floating on that high ever since.
Grabbing a cold can of beer from the cooler, I crack it open and lick the spattering of liquid that splashed onto my hand.
The party’s winding down, with Odessa’s school friends gone home and her uncles finally taking off the gowns they wore all day.
Naturally, Austin was the first one to look for an excuse to change back into jeans and a T-shirt—not that I blame him.
The fact that he donned a dress to begin with shows the lengths these guys will go to for their niece.
Little did they know, all she needed for an extra special birthday was her dad to leave the house.
I don’t know what she said to convince him to come, but I’m glad he did.
And leaning against the arena fence rail, sipping my ice cold beer, I watch him talking to his dad and brothers, and I think he’s glad he came, too.
Blair strolls across through freshly cut grass with her daughter, Avery, on her hip. I’m afraid no matter how much time passes, seeing a baby will make something in my heart twist a little bit.
“Pretty great party,” Blair says on her approach, then nods her head toward the boys. “I’m happy to see Jackson here.”
“Me too.” I let out a sigh of relief.
“How are you holding up? Sleeping better now?”
“I’ve been trying not to take the pills you gave me unless I really need them, because it scares me to think about potentially sleeping through an emergency with the kids.”
Blair gives me a look. “Kate. It scares me that you’re trying to take care of everything when you aren’t taking care of yourself. You have a lot of people you can lean on here.”
“I know.”
Looking around at the party full of people who showed up for my daughter, I know they’d do the same for me, if I wanted a break.
The problem is that taking a break means being alone with my thoughts for a prolonged period of time, and that’s the last place I’ve wanted to be since the day of Jackson’s accident.
The only respite I need is exactly what I have now, a cold beer while leaning against the fence before I jump back into being a hands-on mom and doting wife.
“Our entire story is just…gone. I’m the only one who remembers being in love. Do you know how hard that is?”
“Not exactly, but having a mom with Alzheimer’s, I know what it’s like to be on this side of unrequited memories. To carry those stories—and the weight of some of them—all by yourself.” Blair exhales and meets my gaze with watery eyes. “You don’t need to carry all this weight yourself.”
I look across the field at my husband, and sniff back the tears threatening to spill. “I never wanted to. That’s why I had him.”
“Well…for the time being, use us.” Blair shifts Avery’s position on her hip and carefully pries her chubby fingers away from the gold chain around Blair’s neck. “This family can be a crutch of sorts, and you know you can always call me.”
“Between running the clinic practically by yourself and taking care of this little cutie, you have your hands full. Everybody does—the number of babies around here right now, it’s…
I didn’t think my kids would ever end up with so many cousins.
I can’t wait until they’re all running around together.
But I can’t ask you all for more than you’re already doing. ”
“Speaking of your kids, how are you doing?” She’s the only person who knows anything about the miscarriage, and despite her suggestion that I talk to the other women in the family about it, I haven’t.
The last thing I want to do is add to the heartache and stress this family’s been dealing with in the month and a half since Jackson’s accident.
“No signs of getting my period back yet. Is that—”
“That’s not abnormal, especially given how much stress you’re dealing with.” Her smile’s downturned. “I’m saying this as both your medical provider and your sister-in-law, please take care of yourself.”
“I will. Promise.”
Just as soon as I don’t feel like I’m single-handedly keeping my husband alive.
Blair’s free arm wraps around me, pulling me into a tight side-hug. “Love you, Kate. You guys are going to get through this.”
“We have to. There’s no other choice.”
The rest of the party goes off without a hitch, and aside from the need to reintroduce Jackson to people he’s known his entire life, it feels completely and utterly normal. There’s laughter and children running amok and friends that feel more like family.
I check in on Jackson from time to time, making sure he’s hydrated and—to his delight—letting him get away without taking his heavy-duty pain medication.
I know he hates the way they make him feel, but I can’t stand seeing him in so much pain he can barely move without getting sick.
Today, though, he seems okay. Maybe Bennett was right, and some fresh air and family time was the cure.
Once things wind down, I plunk my weary body into an empty lawn chair next to where Jackson is showing Rhett how to bite the ends off a Twizzler to make a straw for his juice. “Seems the party’s over—you boys ready to head inside?”
Rhett whines for a moment, but when he hears Jackson agree, he sticks the piece of red licorice between his teeth and scurries off the chair.
My arm weaves around Jackson’s, and we take one slow step at a time back toward the house.
Rhett’s sprinting, arms waving wildly, ahead of us, and Odessa’s quickly gaining on him even though she’s cartwheeling across the lawn, rather than running.
The air’s cooling off rapidly, now that the setting sun is obscured by the mountain range on the other side of Wells Canyon, and I shiver slightly.
Jackson shakes off my grip and slips his arm around my shoulders instead, so I’m tucked against the warmth of his body.
His palm slides up and down my arm, rubbing warmth into it.
I’m pleasantly surprised he stuck around long after the party ended, even when I could tell he was getting tired and the pain in his head was becoming unbearable.
“What time of day was Odessa born?” he asks out of the blue.
I tilt my head slightly to look at him, his question catching me off-guard. Typically when I bring up memories of the kids, he shuts down. “Four a.m. on the dot.”
“What did she look like?”
I watch our now eight-year-old attempt a handstand, fondly remembering where we were eight years ago. “She was so tiny—less than seven pounds—and all legs. Just this little wrinkled, leggy, alien-looking thing with a head full of thick brown hair.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Denny said I caught her…. Did I cry?”
“Even more than I did.” I squeeze my arms around his torso. “I thought you didn’t want to hear any of this stuff.”
His voice is softer than usual. “I thought I didn’t…but I think not knowing is going to end up killing me.”
The grass is pillowy under our feet, and the kids bound up the front porch steps like a herd of cattle.
Odessa lets the screen door slam shut behind them, and it’s only Jackson and me out here.
The golden hour glow illuminates treetops across the ranch, and our massive farmhouse casts a harsh shadow on the earth.
I take a deep breath and dive into all the things my husband ought to know.
“Odessa came a week before her due date and after an excruciatingly long forty hours of labor. Denny was right about you catching her, and I’ve never seen you look prouder than you did in that moment…
. You were sobbing, and you kept kissing me, holding her between us. It was so magical.”
His mouth twitches, and his swallow is audible. “What about with Rhett?”
“Rhett showed up on his due date and, besides a ton of back labor, it was over pretty quickly. You convinced me to catch him myself, and I immediately understood the look you had with Odessa. It was so special. You cried again. Honestly, when both the kids were babies you cried a lot, in general. Some nights we’d watch them sleep and tear up over how cute they were. ”
His fingertips practically gouge out his eyes as he works hard to prevent inevitable tears. “Thank you for telling me that.”
“Jackson, this is your history as much as it’s mine. I’ll tell you anything and everything you want to know.”
He stops walking at the bottom of the steps, and stares toward the explosion of greenery in the garden beds.
“Were we happy?” he asks bluntly. “Before the accident?”
“Unbelievably so. We’re best friends—or…
we were best friends.” My words are unpolished and ragged, as if something is stuck in my throat and I can’t quite get it out.
“If we had nothing else, we had each other and that was enough. And whoever has said couples lose the ‘spark’ after years together has clearly never seen the things you and I got up to.”
That brings a healthy dose of pink to the planes of his cheeks.
Jackson clears his throat on the gradual ascent up the steps. “I’m…I’m sorry about the way I’ve been acting lately. I realized today that spending the rest of my life hidden away in bed isn’t fair to anyone in my life…least of all you. You deserve the world.”
“The whole world?” I tease.
“Mine, at least.”
Through it all, he’s still a romantic. My shy cowboy with beautiful words is still there, still stealing my heart.
“I’d really like to get back to being your best friend, Kate.”
“Well, that was a title you were never going to lose, regardless. But I’d love to be your best friend again.”
“I have a feeling you’re going to bully me into it.”