Grandma Laila
Hey, my babies in book land. Now, this the only part I’m gone have of my own in this here chile’s book. So y’all pay attention and watch ma work!
“Cynt, there he go right there. Pull over so we can get us some weed.”
Cynt honked the horn three times, and I yelled out the window.
“Heyyy, you sexy lump of fine, come here!”
He turned around, looking at me with a confused look, then walked over to the car.
“Ma Lai, what you doing out and about this time of night?” he asked.
“Nigga don’t be asking me my business. Now give me an ounce, so I can go in the house and get lifted,” I told him, and me and Cynt fell out laughing.
“Y’all keep on, I’ma stop giving y’all my shit! Here, man. Take this and go home,” Mr. Fine ass said.
“Thank you, sweet cheeks. Now, call me if you get tired of playing with these little ass girls, and you want yo’self a real woman, you hear?”
“Go home, Ma Lai. You know you like a mama to me. Old people shouldn’t talk like that, anyway.”
“Old! What? Boy, I will get out this car and show you what a real boss look like. Call me old again! Besides that, this kitty kat will have yo young ass sucking your thumbs by the time I'm done with you.
He started laughing and walked off. “Bye, Ma,” he yelled out as we drove off.
“You know, Cynt that daughter of mine gone make me fuck her up, if she keep messing with my babies. Them some good girls, trying to make it out here in this tired ass world. You seen that nigga she got, looking like a damn thundercat from hell!”
Cynt was cracking up. “Hell, yeah he did, Lai. Ugly lil’ thang!”
“I know she don’t think he was fine!” I yelled out. “That lil’ nigga we just left back there was fine; him and his damn brother! I should go find they momma and give that bitch a high five for even birthing they beautiful asses!” I said, shaking my head.
“I know this though. I’ma have to keep my eye on this Mark character. He just didn’t look right to me. If he comes wrong over there with my grandbabies, Lai got something for his ass!” I pulled my gun out and laid it in my lap.
My daughter hasn’t been the same since her husband was killed a few years ago.
I can understand wanting to have a man in your life but make sure that he’s the one for you and your kids.
Ari is still in school, and she over there talking ‘bout they can move out. Nah that chimpanzee you call a nigga can move out! That shit got me pissed. I’ll always go to war about my granddaughters.
We pulled up in front of my house, and I saw somebody sitting on my porch.
“Who the hell is that, Lai?” Cynt asked.
“I don’t know but let’s go find out.” Getting out the car, I saw it was Teddy, my neighbor from down the street.
“Teddy, what you doing here?”
“I was just coming to check on you, beautiful.” Teddy has had a crush on me since he moved around here.
“Well, as you can see, I’m alright.”
“Umm, Laila, I was wondering if I could take you out sometime?” he asked, and you would’ve thought I was that lil girl in that scary movie when her damn head turned all the way around and her ass was standing in one spot.
Cause take who out? Not Lai. One thing I don’t do and that’s mess with old niggas and especially old niggas that’s broke.
Unt unt. I’m barely making it, and I be damn if we gon’ be barely making it together.
The hell he talking bout take me out! Teddy ass looks like he watches Good Times and eat sardines. Nah fuck that.
“Teddy, I’ve told you over, and over again, you too old for me.
I only date thirty to thirty-five; I don’t have time for twenty seconds of nothing.
I’m not trying to give you this good good and you got a pencil dick.
Swear if that ever happens I'ma shoot yo ass.” Me, and Cynt fell out laughing and went in the house to talk to these trees.
After Cynt and I got a little lifted, she went home. I was now sitting here drinking a glass of wine, trying to figure out what happened to my daughter, and why she was all of a sudden treating my babies crazy. Until my phone brought me out of my thoughts.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Lai-Lai, what you up to?” Juelz asked.
“I’m in here drinking me some wine. Why, what you doing, son?”
“Me and Zel about to swing through, you cooked?”
“Hell, nawl! I ain’t cook, nigga. I’m hungry too! Don’t you live like them rich folk do? Zel told me you got a chef!”
“Yeah, I do, ma. But we hungry right now. Open the door we just pulled up, we gon’ order something,” he said, so I went and opened the door for my sons.
“Hey, beautiful,” Juelz said, kissing my cheek and plopping down on the couch.
“Ma, what I tell you about riding down on me?” Zel said as he came up and kissed me on the cheek.
“Boy shut yo’ ass up and order us some food. I got the damn munchies, and I need to eat,” I said, laughing at his ass.
We ordered food, I smoked some of that good shit, and we talked for a few hours. Juelz phone was ringing back-to-back and that shit was irritating the hell out of me.
“Who the hell keeps calling you, Son?” I asked him.
“This chick, Nina. I swear she’s getting on my damn nerves. The girl don’t know how to take no for an answer. She wanted me to come over, and I told her ass no. So, now she’s mad and keeps calling.” He shrugged. “If she knew I was in the area, her ass would probably come around here.”
“Ewwww. I hate me a desperate chick. You say she live near me?” I asked him.
“Yeah, right there on Central.” He sighed, and his phone was ringing again.
“Let me hold it.” I held my hand out and he passed me the phone smiling.
“This shit bout to be good. Get her ass, Ma.” Zelan sat up in his seat.
“Hello,” I answered, placing the call on speaker. I tried to sound as sexy as possible. “He—Hello! Who the fuck is this?” Nina barked.
“The question is, who the fuck are you calling my man phone this time of night? My nigga is in the shower, so stop fucking calling,” I snapped.
“Bitch! I will come drag yo ass out that muthafucka and beat you the hell up bout mine. That’s my man,” She yelled.
“I’m at 2301 Larson. Right round the corner from you, hoe. I’ll see you when you get here!” I hung up the phone, and Zelan was damn near hanging on the floor laughing.
“Ma Lai, what are you doing?” Juelz asked with concern.
“Oh, I'ma bout to drag me a hoe!” I walked out of the room and went to my bedroom to change my clothes. When I got back, I was ready.
“Waiiittt! Does your shirt say fuck-A-Hoe-Up-Season? And Ma why does it look like you about to go rob a bank? Is that ski mask necessary?” Zelan asked, just as we heard tires screeching.
“Juelzzzzzz! Bring yo bitch outside!” We heard the chick screaming. I moved to the door and swung it open.
“I’m right here, skank.” I walked down the steps and she looked at me like she was crazy.
“Ms. Lai! You fucking my man? You sure we got the right man? My man is a young man not an old dude. I think we got the Juelz’s mixed up,” She said, and Zelan was hollering.
“Nah, we got the right one. And you called me a bitch, so baby, it’s up!
” I walked up on her, and she tried to back up, but I grabbed her hair, and the damn wig came off into my hands.
This heifer was baldheaded and had patches of hair in certain spots.
She was running, trying to get her wig, and my ass was spinning in a circle with the wig.
I slung the shit to Zelan and this fool caught and threw the wig to the ground and started stomping it out.
“Ohhhh, shit! Nina, I thought that was your hair, girl,” Brisha from next door said to her with her phone out, videoing her.
“Girl, you be all on IG telling people that was your hair, and bitch, my baby got more hair than you. This shit bout to go on the gram. Alicia come look at this shit!” Brisha yelled into the house.
“Juelz how could you embarrass me like that!” She yelled, looking at Ju. I pulled my gun out and shot in the air, and this dumb ass girl took off running and left the car. I was laughing so damn hard. That shit tickled the hell out of me.
“Ma, you crazy as hell. How you know Nina?” Juelz asked.
“She be on this block all the time with Greg. That’s her baby daddy! She lucky his bipolar ass wasn’t home. That nigga throwed to the left and the right.” I shook my head.
Ten minutes later, Nina's brother came back to get her car. He didn’t say shit, he just got in and drove off.
“Ma, if you have trouble out of them. Hit me up. I’ll light that damn whole block up,” Zelan told me.
An hour later, the guys decided to go home.
I was still out on the porch drinking and laughing with Bricia and Alicia crazy asses.
I stayed outside for a little while before I went inside to take a shower and relax.
I was on my way upstairs when I heard a knock at the front door.
I looked out the peephole to see who it was before opening it.
“What took you so long to text me?” Teddy asked.
“I told you I had company. Now come on, so you can give me what you got, Teddy!”
I know... I know! I told this man that he might have a pencil dick, but I was high as a Georgia pine. I needed something to scratch this itch so we were about to see what his ass working with and when I came down off my high, I would forget tonight had ever happened.
Ma gots to get it somehow, babies. Keep it on the hush for me though, ‘cause I’m still a G!