Chapter 20
F rom what I had pieced together, the people harassing us as we left the fight thought Kian was Jace West, the lead singer of Pointing West. I was not exactly up to date on the news out of Hollywood, but I had seen enough magazine covers to know that while they had similar coloring and height, Jace West was not muscular at all. He wore round-rimmed glasses, was clean shaven, and had really short hair.
I peered over at Kian as I followed him into the hotel, numb with confusion. Could he be Jace? With his muscle on top of muscle and his bearded face, it was hard to see any similarities between him and the famous singer. The most burning question in my mind was what baby? Did he have a baby? I watched as he unlocked the door and silently waited for Myles and me to enter. He peered back out into the hallway and then shut the door firmly, locking both locks. He strode to the windows, where he pulled the curtains shut and then stood there, his back to us, his huge arms folded in front of him.
“Are they going to follow us here?” Myles snapped. I shifted where I stood. I had never heard Myles so angry before. Kian shrugged.
“I think I lost them,” he murmured.
“I guess you have a lot of experience doing that.” Myles strode over to stand in front of him. “Were we some sort of joke to you?” he demanded. “Was this your little feel-good project that you’ll tell the world about one day? The famous Jace West took on two homeless people. I can see it in the headlines now. I just can’t figure out why you had to use Jessa, of all people.”
That shook Kian out of his stupor.
“I didn’t use Jessamine. I would never do anything to hurt her.” He was whispering, but it felt like he was shouting. Myles didn’t back down.
“I’m impatiently waiting to hear whatever explanation you can conjure up for us.”
He sat down, looking over at me, worry clear in his eyes. I could tell that Myles thought this might finally be the thing that would break me. To be honest, I didn’t know what I thought; I was still stuck in the moment when the lights had blinded me and the shouts had muddled my mind.
Kian looked over at me, and his face was pale. His phone buzzed, and I saw his fist grip it so tight I worried he might crack it.
“Jessa?” Myles used a softer tone with me. I looked up. “Come sit.” He patted the couch next to him. I listened, walking on shaky legs until I collapsed next to my brother. He leaned over to unzip my coat, but I kept it wrapped around me because I felt cold with shock and confusion. Kian stood several steps away, looking helpless. His phone buzzed again, and he suddenly shouted, “Fuck!”
I jolted and then felt Myles’s hand come down to touch my knee, grounding me where I sat.
“Baby…” Kian’s eyes were pleading with me. “I would never use you. I’m falling in love with you.” He knelt down on the floor in front of me. “Can you say something?” He tentatively reached out a hand but thought better of it and pulled it back at the last second.
“You have a baby?” My voice sounded hoarse from screaming for whom I thought had been my boyfriend back at the fight. The fight that felt like it had been ages ago. Now, I wasn’t so sure who he even was, let alone what we were.
Kian visibly collapsed into himself, and we sat silently for a moment until he reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He removed his license and a folded-up piece of paper. He turned the license around for us to see. Jace Kian West.
“Kian is your middle name,” Myles read. “So you’re not a complete liar.”
Kian ignored him and handed me the paper. I opened it tentatively. It was a sonogram printout. “Rose Carr,” the name read at the top right. There was a due date listed that would make his baby about a year old now. I looked at the fuzzy black and white photo as it dawned on me that I had seen those little feet before. They were tattooed on his back. I opened my mouth to ask him what his baby’s name is when Kian began to talk.
“I told you that as a kid, my mother forced me to take music lessons because she saw me as a windfall. They told her I was a prodigy, and to her, that meant I was ultimately a payday.” His tone was sad, and his face was beginning to swell where he had gotten hit.
“I was in some inconsequential kid bands early on, but I really got famous when I recorded my first album at sixteen and posted it online. A label soon discovered me, and they helped me form my band when I was eighteen. I had my first number-one single at nineteen, sold out my first world tour at twenty, won a bunch of awards by twenty-two, and by twenty-six, I was on the covers of magazines, had millions of followers on social media, was sold out in every show we did, and was dating a supermodel. By twenty-seven, she was my fiancée, and I had bought a mansion in Beverly Hills where we lived together. I was twenty-eight when she was killed in front of me in a home invasion, and I lost her and our baby.”
I could see how palpable his pain was when he spoke about it. Emotionally just as much as physically.
“She was pregnant?” I wondered out loud.
“She was pregnant,” Kian confirmed, his vocal cords sounded strained at this point.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” Myles startled me as he spoke. I nodded in agreement but didn’t speak. I was anxiously rubbing the material of my coat between my hands, and I felt Myles’s hand close over mine to calm me.
“So what…?” I started.
“Am I doing here?” Kian finished.
I nodded, not quite making eye contact with him. I was really feeling out of my element here. I had never planned on letting him get this close to me emotionally, and here I was with the universe rubbing my choices in my face. How could I be falling for a man who I wasn’t even sure I knew anymore?
“After she was killed, I…” He gulped, and I could see how hard it was for him to talk about it. “I blamed myself.” His voice was strangled, as if he had to force the words out.
My eyes flew to his face in surprise. His head was lowered, and his shoulders were dropped as if showing us that this side of his life was physically too heavy to bear.
“I don’t know if you know what I looked like back then,” he murmured. “I don’t even know if you know who I am.”
“Everyone knows who Jace West is,” Myles interrupted.
Kian sighed but kept talking.
“So then you know that I was thin and had no muscle. The heaviest thing I ever lifted was my guitar. So when I went into my house that night and found two men holding Rose at gunpoint, there was literally nothing I could do to help her.” A tear tracked its way down his face, and I had to hold myself back from going over to him and kissing it away.
“When I made a pathetic attempt to stop them, they hit my head so hard that I passed out, and when I woke up, they were r-raping her.” A sob broke free from the deep recesses of his chest, and it almost came out sounding like a low howl.
Myles shifted uncomfortably next to me. We had both had our own experiences with non-consensual situations, and hearing what had happened to Rose was affecting both of us.
Kian rubbed the tears from his eyes and then wiped his nose against his sleeve.
“I passed out again, and when I came to, she was gone. They had shot her.”
I felt a knot of emotion build up in my throat.
“After the funeral, I just lost it.” He sounded numb now. “I packed up some of my shit, bought a van, and disappeared. I disconnected my number, and I lived the next year and a half punishing myself for what happened to her. I figured I would pay my penance by not allowing myself to live my old life. I pushed myself in the gym so I could become someone who would never let what happened to Rose happen to anyone else. I found fighting because it let me channel all of my anger into something other than not wanting to exist anymore. I was planning on living a life as miserable and as quiet as possible until I met you.”
Kian finally looked at me. His eyes were red and shiny. I felt his words hit me square in the chest. Myles squeezed my hand, and I squeezed it back.
“You are my sunshine,” Kian gasped out as another tear escaped his eye and tracked down his cheek to where it dropped off his chin. “My anger quiets around you. You soothe the pain. You are beautiful and wonderful and real. The realest part of my life, and that is why you are my true north, Jessamine Bardot.”
I reached up to touch the compass necklace that he had given me for my birthday, which felt like a lifetime ago.
“Why didn’t you tell us who you were?” Myles sounded calmer now. “Why use your middle name?”
Kian sighed.
“I have been running from the paparazzi for what feels like forever, and I just wanted a slice of peace and normalcy here. I didn’t know I would find the two of you. And to be honest, Kian is who I really am. I don’t want to be Jace anymore. I have to go back to finish my contract with the label, but once that’s done… I think I’m done… not with music but with the fame. I hate it. I have never felt more at home than I have in this room with the two of you, and I really don’t want to lose that. I was planning on telling you everything tonight, and I was going to ask you both if you would come back with me.”
“Can we have a second?” I asked suddenly. Kian looked confused but nodded.
“Take all the time you need. I know it’s a lot.” He ran his tongue over his dry lips and stood up. I stood as well and pulled Myles after me into his room, where I shut the door and sat on his bed. I felt bad abandoning Kian in such a highly emotional moment where he had confessed his deepest secrets, but I needed to unpack all of this heaviness with my brother so I could think clearly again.
“He’s been paying for this room the whole time, hasn’t he?” I said as Myles sat down next to me.
“That’s the most logical explanation.” He ran a hand over his face and sighed.
“He loves you, J.”
I shrugged.
“It’s only been a few months, and I don’t really know him.”
“No, I think we do know him,” Myles disagreed. “I forgive him. He’s been through the absolute worst thing a human being could go through. I don’t think he was purposely playing us. I actually understand why he did what he did.”
I shrugged out of my coat and lay back on the bed.
“He’s good to you, and you deserve a real life.” Myles had gone from being furious to fighting for me to stay with Kian in a matter of minutes.
“I’ve always had a real life, My,” I protested.
“You know what I mean.” He winced at his choice of words.
“Yeah.” I sighed. “I need to think.” I closed my eyes, willing the building pressure in my head to dissipate so I could arrange my fractured thoughts.
“I’m gonna go check on him.” Myles stood, and I nodded without opening my eyes.
“Okay.” Myles wanting to check on Kian tugged at my aching heartstrings. My sweet brother had finally found a friend in Kian. A friendship where they had connected on a real level. As much as I wanted to forgive Kian for myself and our relationship, I wanted to forgive him so Myles could keep what he had found with Kian as well. My brother left the room, closing the door behind him. I could hear Kian in the hallway.
“Is she okay?”
“I think so. She just needs a minute to process.”
I heard them move away from the door. I turned over, using my arm as a pillow. I just needed a minute, like Myles had said. I’d go back out there once I had allowed my brain to fully understand what was happening.
I took out my phone, squinting in the bright light coming off the screen, and googled Rose Carr. Oh, she was stunning. She was a few inches taller than me, thin, and blonde. I scrolled and found a photo of her and Kian together. He looked like a sexy nerd with his glasses and buzz cut. Rose was perfect. Her hair, her pale skin, her makeup, her jewelry… all perfect and everything I wasn’t. I was curvy where she was thin. I had a mess of dark curls where she had a coiffed blonde halo of hair. I was perpetually tan where she was pale. I was loud and messy and in your face with my feelings, and by the looks of it, she was quiet, charming, and mysterious. I didn’t like the feelings that were burning in my lungs right now.
I had never been a jealous person by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, when I thought Kian was a busker, living in his van, I had been very confident in his attraction for me. But now, as I lie in the hotel room he had been paying for the entire duration of my living here, I wondered if it was all a lie.
Clearly, he had loved his blonde model fiancée, and he had only found me because she had been stolen from him. I squeezed my eyes shut as the intrusive thoughts tried to woodpecker their way into my brain. I was finding myself jealous of a dead girl, and it made me feel uncomfortable to be in my own skin.
“Mother fucking, fuck.” I rolled my body to lie on my back as I kept scrolling. I saw the article announcing Rose’s death and then more social media posts about Kian disappearing. There was a video of his band saying that he was taking some time off for his mental health, and then a talk show host made a comment asking if they really knew where he was. The guys had laughed it off, but I now knew that at the time they had actually no idea where he was.
I scrolled once more and immediately regretted it. A photo of Kian holding his hand up in front of the camera, his hand gripping mine as I trailed behind him, had been posted fourteen minutes ago with the headline, “Jace West Found In Upstate New York.” The comments ranged from girls saying how much they loved his new body, that they wanted to fuck him, and they were so glad he was coming back to Hollywood to other comments questioning why he had disappeared for so long and what was the name of the girl who had obviously stolen him from his band. My heart dropped. This was a tiny town. It was just a matter of time before they found Myles and me, and the thought of that scared me. I could be strong, but Myles was delicate, like a raw egg. He was building up a shell, but I knew from experience that it could crack at any time, and under no circumstances could I allow that to happen.
The next thing I knew, I was being lifted up in the air, strong arms holding me, and the intoxicating smell that was all Kian overwhelmed my senses.
“Mmm.” I burrowed my face into his chest. I felt him kiss the top of my head as he carried me from Myles’s bed to mine. Ours? Mine? My brain couldn’t pick one.
He sat me on the bed and, in a gruff voice, said, “Hands up.”
I complied, and he got me undressed. Then he pulled a soft T-shirt over my head and helped me climb under the covers. I cracked an eye open to look at him. He was standing next to the bed, shirtless, in a pair of sweatpants. He was so beautiful with all his broken pieces, and I knew he had shared so much with us out of necessity, but I still felt even closer to him now that I had heard his whole story. I couldn’t muster up any feelings of anger toward him. We all did what we had to do to survive. I knew that more than anyone.
“I’m sorry I ran off and wasn’t there for you,” I whispered. I felt feelings of guilt build up inside of me. He had broken his heart wide open to share his story. He had cried, and I just stood up, walked away, and ultimately fell asleep. I should have comforted him. This wasn’t about me, and I had not reacted the way I now wished I would have.
“You didn’t run off.” His smile was haunted as he ran a finger down my bare arm. “You’re still here, aren’t you?”
“I’m sorry about your baby.” I felt my breath hitch when I said it. I felt overwhelmingly sad thinking of those tiny, little feet tattooed on his back for him to keep forever.
“So am I.” Kian ran a hand over his beard. “But somehow, the universe then led me to you, and for that, I could never be sorry.”
I felt tears well up in my eyes as he said that, and they dropped, hot and wet, on the pillow next to me.
“Don’t cry, Jessa.” He was immediately on his knees next to me, his breath warm on my face as he wiped the tears away.
“I’m just so sad for you.” My voice was muffled against his chest. He didn’t say anything; he just held me.
“Rose was beautiful,” I murmured against his skin. He stilled. I looked up, and his eyes were wary.“She was.” I shrugged.
“She was,” Kian repeated my words carefully. I looked at him. He looked at me.
“I’m not really your normal type, am I?” I despised the uncertainty in my tone. Kian froze.
“Every bit of you is my type,” he replied sternly.
“Show me.” I was needy for his validation, which was such an odd feeling for me to experience. Kian didn’t need to be told twice. The covers were thrown back, my T-shirt was ripped off, and his pants were tossed away, instantly showing me how hard he was.
“This,” he said through clenched teeth, “is all for you.” He ran a hand down my chest and weighed my sizable breast in his palm.
“I am obsessed with these.” He bent down and sucked my nipple into his mouth. I let out a breathy moan. He kept his hand moving, lowering down over the flair of my ribs, squeezing my waist, and then slapping my pubic bone. His other hand found its way lower, sweeping through all the wetness that had gathered between my legs, and then he was licking it off of his finger as I watched him.
“You are delicious.” He ran his tongue over his lips and then grabbed my thighs. “I have never been so turned on…” His voice trailed off as he kissed his way around one thigh and then turned me slightly to run his tongue across my ass. He slapped it, and I groaned.
“Shh,” he warned.
Suddenly, I was up in the air again and instinctively I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he walked us till my back was against the window.
“Shit.” The glass behind the drawn curtains was freezing cold, and the temperature change shocked my system. My discomfort turned into a frenzy as I felt him push into me with no condom on, hot and pulsing.
“Does this feel like you’re not my type?” he said against my lips as he fucked me hard, fast, and deep against the chilled surface. He almost sounded angry with me for questioning his attraction.
“N-no,” I moaned out. He seemed pacified as he bit my lip and then kissed it.
“You. Are. Mine,” he said in rhythm with the tempo of his hips.
“Are you mine?” I gasped out, referring to everything that held pieces of him—the media, his band, his obligations to the label, and his old life. Kian stopped moving for a second and lifted his face up to look at me.
“I’ve never been anyone else’s as much as I am yours,” he affirmed, his tone deep and melodic as he spoke.
I combusted with a flash of coiled nerve endings and tight muscles. I felt myself soaking down his legs. It was all I needed to hear to fall completely off the edge into oblivion with him. I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but as long as he was mine and I was his, I would figure it out.
“Come inside me, baby,” I urged.
His hips were shuddering against mine, his arms were shaking, and he was moaning into my mouth as he exploded inside of me. As he laid me back in bed, I felt the proof of his attraction for me warm and sticky, seeping back out of me, across my lips, and down my inner thighs. I fell asleep with him singing softly in my ear, his arms around me, his chest to my back. I had just learned to embrace this real life and had decided I wanted to keep it, and now he would have to leave. Jace . The unfamiliar name rolled around my brain as I fell asleep.