Chapter 23
J essa tried to clean up from dinner, but Zara kindly kicked her out of the kitchen, so I took her hand and had her come with me to the recording studio on the opposite side of the penthouse. Myles followed behind, commenting on how different I was now that I was home.
“What do you mean?” I asked, opening the door. My band was already inside.
“You just seem lighter. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re still obnoxiously broody, but you do seem happier here.” He observed.
“Fuck off.” I grinned and fake punched him in the arm.
“He’s attacking me, J. Help!” Myles laughed as he pretended to fall into the large, overstuffed chair that could fit all of us.
“I feel free from all the guilt,” I admitted. “Being here with you and being around my friends again feels right.”
“Well, thank you for hosting us.” Myles had curled up on the chair.
“I’m not hosting you. You live here because you’re part of my family now. This is your home too,” I said in a serious tone and then walked away so they couldn’t argue with me. I saw Jessa sit down next to her brother and say something that I couldn’t hear.
“She’s so hot, bro,” Nile announced as I got behind the glass and closed the partition door behind me.
“Don’t look at her,” I warned him playfully.
“It’s hard not to,” he protested. I shot Nile a look as he said, “Are we gonna talk about it or just move on and pretend it never happened?”
“Talk about which part?” Ash had an edge to his voice that told me he was still mad. “The fact that you left without saying a word after your fiancée was killed or that you never even told us that Rose was pregnant. Or maybe that you disappeared and didn’t stay in touch with your best friends for over a year.”
“Okay, calm down.” Mika got in between us since Ash had gotten up in my face.
“We’re all hurt, bro,” Nile told Ash. “But this new Kian could knock you out in one try. So be careful.”
“I would never.” I turned to look at Nile, aghast that he would suggest that I would punch my friend.
“Well, you could.” He shrugged. I moved past Mika and put my arms around Ash.
“I am sorry. I will say it as many times as you need. I was a total shit for leaving and not telling you where I was. I was in such a dark place I thought I had to leave to save you all from being around me, and I wanted to punish myself for what happened.” I said it loudly enough so all of my friends could hear me.
“How do we know you won’t go back there? To the dark place,” Mika asked quietly, sounding out each word carefully.
“I know you’re going to make fun of me for saying this, but it’s the truth. I found sunlight.” I shrugged, bracing myself for my friends to laugh at my vulnerability. “And that darkness can’t exist there.”
They didn’t laugh. They stood there watching me with relief on their faces, their love for me apparent in the sheen in their eyes.
“Jessa?” Ash asked as he finally hugged me back.
“Jessa,” I confirmed.
“Well, then, I guess we better worship the ground she walks on because the label will cut off your cock and stuff it down your throat if you run off again.”
Nile came up behind me to hug me as well. “So please stick around and keep your shit together.”
“You say the sweetest things,” I mumbled against Ash’s shirt. Nile laughed. Our little reunion session was broken up by my barber tapping on the glass. I watched as she said hello to Jessa and Myles. Jessa seemed a little quieter than usual, but I was happy to see that she was handling herself better than I had anticipated. I was hoping she would acclimate quickly because I missed her cocky edge. I wanted her to hurt my feelings and tell me she wanted me in the same breath. I returned to the control room and left my band back in the isolated booth as they began to set up their instruments.
“Jesus Christ, Jace, you look… this hair… what the actual fuck?”
My barber’s name was Lilith. She had very straight black hair that came to her chin and was cut in a razor-straight bob. She was also covered in tattoos, which reminded me that I had made an appointment with our tattoo artist to finally add some new art to my chest. Lilith cut all of our hair, and until now I had always been the easiest one. A quick shave over my whole head and I was done. Now, I had hair that was almost longer than hers. I came over to her and pulled her into a hug.
“I missed you, you idiot,” she whispered in a moment of vulnerability that was not common for her.
“I missed you too.” I kissed the top of her head and then turned to introduce her properly to Jessa. Jessa stood to shake her hand and watched as Lilith set up her barber chair and stand with her scissors, razors, and products.
I sat as she wrapped me in a cape. I felt her pull the pony holder out of my hair as she asked, “So what the fuck are we doing?” I pulled out my phone and handed it to Jessa.
“Choose one and show it to Lilith.” I showed her the four photos of hairstyles I had saved in my camera roll.
“You want me to choose?” She sounded surprised.
“You’re the one who has to look at him,” Lilith chimed in as she sprayed my hair with water and brushed it.
“You’re the one holding onto it while he goes down on you.” Ash had left the isolation booth as well and now stood, leaning against the wall, his arms folded.
“Brother. Right here,” Myles chanted as he covered his ears. Lilith burst out laughing. Jessa’s cheeks were tinged pink as she looked through my photos, stopping on one and turning my phone to show it to Lilith.
“I like it,” my barber confirmed and picked up the scissors. Forty minutes later, I was reminded why I chose to wear a buzz cut for most of my life. It took around five minutes, while this haircut had taken forever. Yet it had definitely been worth it as I looked in the mirror admiring my fresh look. Jessa had chosen a crew cut style that was tapered on the sides and the back with a fade but still left a lot of hair on the top that was layered and still long enough that it fell over my forehead in an artful and messy fashion. She had also cleaned up my beard, leaving it the same length but shaving my neck and cheeks. I loved it. I still looked like Kian yet somehow he had also merged with Jace and I easily embraced how my two selves began to blend.
“This is perfect,” I said out loud.
“Of course it is,” Lilith retorted as she packed up. “I will see you in two weeks when you get messy again. Ash, you're scheduled with me on Thursday to get cleaned up for the party.”
“What party?” I asked.
“The label is throwing a welcome back party. They’ve spun the story to sound like they told you to take time off,” Mika told me as he came back into the main room as well.
“Do I have to go?” I groaned.
“You absofuckinglutely do,” I heard Gordon exclaim from the doorway behind me.
“That's my cue to leave.” Lilith dashed around Gordon and made a quick exit.
“Okay. Sheesh. You don’t have to yell,” I muttered.
“With you, I do,” Gordon replied as he sat down in front of the channel strip. “Kiwi will be here in a minute, so go set up.”
“Aye, aye, captain.” I rolled my eyes.
“We’re gonna record a quick demo. I sent over a song to the boys a couple of months ago, and they want to get a recording of it so the label is less furious with me tomorrow.” I leaned over and kissed Jessa. Myles had fallen asleep next to her. “Are you tired?”
“A little. But I want to hear you play.” She smiled up at me. I wanted her to hear me play too.
“Who is Kiwi?”
I laughed.
“He’s our recording engineer, and before you ask, I cannot remember why we call him that,” I told her. “Let me know if you like the song.”
She nodded.
“I will.”
As soon as the music started and I had a mic in my hand, it was like I had never left. Ash was singing in the background, and as always, his voice naturally blended with mine. Nile and Mika were right in sync with their instruments, and I immediately remembered why I had fallen in love with playing music with them all those years ago. I felt tears spring to my eyes, and I angrily blinked them away. I could hear my baby's heartbeat in the throb of the drums. I could hear Rose’s laughter in the strum of the guitar. I missed her. I missed the little blob on the ultrasound screen whom I had never met. I missed the possibility of a lost future. But it didn’t shred my soul the way it used to.
I used to shudder at the thought of losing my fury. Yet here, amongst the music and the rhythm, together with my closest friends and a beautiful girl waiting for me—a girl who didn’t know how much she had brought my existence back into tune—I finally felt at peace. I was at peace with my pain. It was a reminder of all that once was, yet the soft edges of the painful memories were a reminder of all that would be. This was harmony. This beautiful place between pain and acceptance. Between looking back and facing forward. Of wishing it had been different but embracing this new existence. It was beautiful and it was broken.
Harmony, after all, was a mix of sounds that form texture. It is both vertical and horizontal, just like my life has been up until now. It is created through melodic movement, and the way each note relates to its previous and its successor creates a subtle harmonic progression. Similar to how my current existence would always be subtly affected by my previous experiences, and my future would be led by my current self, my life was one harmonious note bouncing one off the other. A hum.
I looked up and found Jessa watching me. I loved her, and I couldn’t possibly avoid that fact anymore. I loved her with every note inside of me. I hoped she knew that. Kiwi’s voice crackled over the speaker, breaking me out of my overly emotional thoughts. “Sounding great, boys, but can I have you start again from the second verse? I think we need to tweak something.”
Ash looked over at me and grinned.
“You’re back,” he mouthed.
“I’m back,” I confirmed. It felt good to say. I couldn’t wait to tell Jessa my sudden revelation. I looked up to see her again and found an empty chair staring at me. Both she and Myles were gone.
By the time we had a decent track for the label tomorrow, I was beyond exhausted. Between not having had time to rest my body after the fight, the sudden shock of the paparazzi finding us, having to make a quick life decision with Jessa, and flying for so many hours this morning, I was completely worn out. I took my headset off and said goodnight to the boys. As I walked back into the control room, Gordon looked up.
“Meeting is at eleven a.m. sharp. Your TV interview is at one p.m., and then you’re going shopping with your team and Jessa at three p.m.”
“What team?” I scoffed.
“Alex, obviously, and one of the stylists that the label is sending over.” Gordon stood and grabbed his briefcase. “I have to find you a new personal assistant. I fired the last one.”
“Can Jessa do it?” I held the door open for him, and we walked toward the elevator.
“Huh?” Gordon almost laughed.
“She told me that she wants to work,” I explained. “I promised I would ask you for something for her to do.”
“Jace, she's not going to want to manage your calendar and talk to me all day.” Gordon snorted as the elevator doors opened.
“Find something for her to do,” I urged. He shrugged, looking vaguely intrigued that I wasn’t dating a gold-digging model this time around.
Hey , Rose protested faintly in my head.
“I’ll think of something,” he promised. The doors started to shut. “It’s nice to have you back, Jace.” He looked annoyed that he even wanted to say it, and I felt a smile playing on my lips.
I was practically sleepwalking at this point, but I forced myself to stop at the home gym and got in a quick workout that my body protested the entire time. I wanted to maintain my physique mainly to continue being someone who could protect the people around me, but I also found that the endorphins that flooded my body after a workout were really good for my psyche. However, this was the first time in the gym that I didn’t feel compelled to make it hurt to the point of exhaustion.
Is this goodbye? Rose wondered.
“I believe it is,” I whispered back.
My shirt was completely soaked through, and my eyes were closing as I took the stairs to go to my room. Our room, I corrected myself. Jessa wasn’t there. I saw that while we were in the recording studio, Zara had unpacked Jessa’s small bag. Little touches of her were all over the space. Her boots were in the closet. Her small toiletries bag was in the bathroom. Her hoodie was in the drawer. I smiled and then turned to go to Myles’s room because I had a feeling I knew where she was.
I stood in the doorway. At first, I thought they were sleeping because the room was quiet, and all I could hear was their breathing. From what I could see in the dark, Myles was lying under the blanket, and Jessa was lying next to him, on top of the blanket. Their hands were tangled in between them. I was planning to go in quietly and carry Jessa to bed when I heard Myles whisper, “I’m more than an addict, J. Back in New York, that’s all I was, but here I can start over. I can be a human being. I don’t want to spend all my time at meetings. I want to actually see the beach and figure out my life.”
I heard Jessa sigh.
“You can do both. I don’t think skipping meetings is going to help you do that.”
The blankets shifted as Myles turned from his side to his back.
“I think I can do it without going to NA.” He huffed. “I’m sick of it. I want more to life than saying, ‘Hi, I’m Myles, and I’m an addict.’”
I sucked in a breath. It sounded like he and Jessa were not seeing eye to eye on how his sobriety would play out here.
“Have you spoken to your sponsor?” I heard her husky voice ask.
“I will,” Myles promised quietly.
They were silent for a moment until Jessa said, “For the record, I don’t see you as an addict. I’ve always known who you really are.”
It was quiet again, and then Myles responded, “I know you have.”
I felt my heart break a little for them. I tiptoed away when I heard Jessa say goodnight, and she started to sit up. She would come to me when she was ready, and I would be there when she did.
The next morning, I worked out early, showered, and put on a suit. When I came down to the kitchen for breakfast, I found Jessa making coffee with the very expensive, large, and fancy espresso machine that usually sat behind an accordion cabinet door on one of the counters. Someone had obviously gone out to get her different kinds of coffee, a variety of milk, multiple jars of tea essence, and mixing cups. Ash and Gordon sat on chairs by the island in front of her, drinking something out of mugs that said “Jessa’s Java” on it.
“What is this?” I asked as I came up behind her and kissed the top of her head.
“Ash and Gordon had this set up for me when I came down!” Jessa sounded so happy that I looked over at my grumpy manager and my best friend, who was more known for dicking down girls than he was doing nice things for them.
“You guys did what now?”
“Fuck off,” Ash grumbled taking a sip of his drink that left a bit of whipped cream on his lip.
“You made custom cups? How did you get them so fast?” I was handed a travel mug with a cover, and I took a sip.
“It’s my twist on the white chocolate cinnamon chai latte,” she told me. The light in her eyes made me want to down the entire drink in one gulp just so she could make me another one and tell me all about it.
“I know a guy.” Gordon shrugged, referring to the mugs. “You told me she wanted something to do. Well, here it is—keep the team caffeinated.”
“Are you okay with that?” I could just imagine what that chaos would look like once we were on tour and everyone wanted a fancy caffeine pick-me-up.
“Are you kidding? It’s a dream come true.” Jessa leaned up to kiss my cheek and then went back to making another drink.
“Maybe you can learn how to make latte art,” Ash offered, leaning forward in his seat to watch Jessa foam some milk.
“I would love that,” she gushed. He looked grossly pleased with himself.
“I’ll find you a class,” I interjected. Ash winked at me. I felt my heart throb slightly with how good it felt to watch them accept her into the fold so easily and willingly.
“Well, I’m off,” I announced as Alex walked into the room. “Gonna go get my spanking from the executives.” I tried to sound lighthearted, but I don’t think any of them bought it. Jessa handed me another cup for Alex.
“Just don’t argue with them, and definitely don’t say anything stupid,” she told me. Gordon made a sound in the back of his throat, showing that he liked that she was just saying it like it is.
“What she said.” He nodded. “Call me as soon as you’re done, and I’ll meet you at the interview.” I nodded and left with Alex.
The yelling didn’t go as badly as I had anticipated. They weren’t happy with me, and they threatened all kinds of legal jargon if I ever pulled a stunt like that again. They told me they wouldn’t tolerate any more temper tantrums for the duration of our next tour. They also said they were sorry for my loss, and they liked the demo song that Gordon had emailed them earlier this morning. They shook my hand when we finished and said they were looking forward to seeing me again. I called Gordon as soon as I was back in the car, and he sounded relieved that it hadn’t been any worse and that it ended on a positive note. I met him at the studio for my interview, where I sat for a half hour for makeup and hair.
Then we conducted my interview where I stuck to the story the label asked me to tell about how they told me to take time off to process my grief and work on my music. I told them how happy I was to be back, that we were already recording some new songs, and that tour dates would be released soon. The host commented on my new body multiple times, which I answered politely as I tried not to grit my teeth in frustration. My mouth was starting to get dry from all the talking, and my brain was beginning to get annoyed from the typical Hollywood inquiries.
“One last question, Jace,” she asked with her blinding, fake smile. “Can you tell us how you met your new girlfriend?”
“No comment,” I retorted, shifting in my seat. I could see Gordon frowning where he stood off-camera.
“Nothing? I’m sure your fans would love to know more about her.” The host poked once more.
“She’s private, and I ask that all of our fans respect that.” I was done. I could feel the fake smile beginning to melt off my face and my shoulders started to tense up.
“Alright, well, it was so nice to see you again, Jace, and we cannot wait to hear the new single. Coming to you live from Hollywood, this is…”
I tuned out until they finally cut to a commercial, and an assistant came over to take off my mic.
“I asked you to tell them that I would not talk about Jessa,” I told Gordon as he came over to lead me off-set.
“They're already talking about her, Jace,” the woman who had interviewed me said from behind me with an icy tone she had not used during filming. “Nice to see you.” Her smile didn’t meet her eyes as I walked away.
“What does she mean?” I hissed to Gordon, who sighed and took out his phone. Photos of Jessa getting into the SUV at the airport yesterday and walking into the penthouse had been leaked. The article, thankfully, was mainly focused on me coming back, what had happened to Rose, and guessing when the tour would be announced, but they had also written some speculations about my “latest woman,” as they called her.
I flinched when I read: “Still nameless, the anonymous knockout was seen leaving the fight with Jace as well as traveling with him on his return to Hollywood. While obviously beautiful, she is not the usual look we’re used to seeing him with. She is all curves and boobs, which may be every man’s dream but is also every designer's nightmare. Although we do admit, we must get the name of her surgeon because her BBL is to die for.”
They had basically called her fat according to Hollywood standards in one breath and then complimented her ass in the next.
I didn’t want her to see this, and I definitely didn’t want them tarnishing anything to do with Jessa. She was down-to-earth and kind, and while she had seen the harsher side of life, she was still so good, and I didn’t want the cruel world of the press cutting away little bits of her until she felt less than whole in who she was.
“Get this offline,” I demanded as we got into the car.
“Already on it,” Gordon assured me. I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes. I already couldn’t protect her from the vultures Hollywood called the press. For a moment, I wished for the simplicity of when we were back in her hotel room, eating licorice and watching movies.
Apparently, everyone was coming on the shopping trip. Ash claimed he had nothing else to do, Nile made a quip that he went where Jessa went, Mika didn’t even explain himself—we just found him chatting with Myles by the elevator, ready to join us.
“Way to keep a low profile.” I tried to sound annoyed. “Let’s just show up with the entire band.”
“You’ve been gone a long time. They just want to spend time with you.” Jessa patted my arm to mollify me.
“Speak for those guys; I’m coming to watch Jessa try on dresses.” Ash sidled up beside her and grinned at me when I practically growled at him.
It didn’t take Jessa long to choose a dress, although she fought me through the whole process once she found out how much everything cost. Back at home, she hung the dress up in the closet in our room and then met us back downstairs for dinner. Of course, the boys had stayed, and we were all sitting around the table eating homemade burgers and chili fries when Jessa brought up the article. Gordon had gotten it taken offline, but apparently not fast enough.
“What’s a BBL?” Jessa asked.
I paused mid-chew as Ash answered, “Brazilian butt lift. Why?”
“Apparently, Hollywood thinks I got one.” She stuffed another fry in her mouth as she responded.
“Don’t read that shit,” Nile told her. “The online space is vile.”
“For the record, you have a really nice ass.” Ash licked some gravy off his fingers as he tilted his head to look over at her body. I punched his arm when he said it, but he just laughed at me.
“I don’t get why it matters,” Myles muttered. “A body is a body; why is this place so obsessed?”
“I just think it’s funny that they think I would pay to look like this and then at the same time make fun of it.” She took a sip of lemonade and shrugged.
“Hollywood is fucked up,” Mika agreed.
“Are you guys sick of it?” I suddenly piped up. “What if we stopped playing by their rules once our contract is up? What if we started releasing our own music without the label and stopped going to their stupid award shows or letting them dig into our personal lives?”
“I think Gordon would have our heads,” Ash told me.
“Well, in a year, Gordon won’t have a say,” I muttered.
“As long as we’re together, I’ll do whatever,” Nile announced. “We certainly have enough money to support any choice we make.”
“I’m down.” Mika announced around a bite of food.
“I go where you go.” Ash sounded serious, which was so unlike him.
“I love you guys.” I looked around the table at my best friends. “I think we could have our lives back and love music our own way again.”
“I love you all too,” Mika said quietly from the end of the table. Ash shrugged.
“Let’s talk about it in a year. In the meantime, don’t read what they have to say about you,” he told Jessa. “Clearly, my guy is head over heels for you, and that’s all that matters, okay?” He patted Jessa on the head. I had never heard him be so sincere before.
“I’m not a dog,” she joked. He pulled on one of her curls and questioned, “Aren’t you a good girl though?” Aaand he was back. I chuckled but pretended to be mad.
“Leave her alone, Ash!” I slapped him harder against the back of his head this time, and he groaned in defeat.
“Okay! Jesus, Mike Tyson, lay off!”
I leaned back in my seat, surveying the room. Mika and Myles were talking as they ate. Nile and Ash were continuing to tease Jessa. I felt physically full from my meal. My muscles burned from my workout earlier. I was home and was recording music again. I finally felt at peace.