Love’s Crescendo

Chapter 24

A s uncomfortable as shopping with Kian’s credit card had made me, standing here in the mirror, I understood why Gordon had insisted we do it. The welcome back party being thrown by his label was tonight, and according to Adara, all of the important people in Hollywood would be there. Kian had rolled his eyes when she had said that. I laughed and told her I didn’t know who anyone was to know if they were important or not.

“I love how unimpressed you are.” Adara laughed as well. “It’s such a breath of fresh air.”

An entire glam team had come to the penthouse to get us ready. The boys went first because their hair was relatively quick, and for makeup, all they did was concealer and powder. I, on the other hand, had taken several hours which was so hard since I was impatient and found it difficult to sit still. Yet I now understood the allure of why people did it. I was standing in front of the full-length mirror in our closet, staring at myself.

My curls were still my curls, but somehow better, sleek and shiny. The stylist had pulled my hair up into a half pony with a braid on the top, and then braided two smaller braids along the side of my head. The rest of my hair was cascading down my back.

My makeup was so beautiful that I was scared to move my face. The makeup artist had almost passed out when I told her I had never had my makeup done before. She kept complimenting my skin as she applied what felt like a million creams. She had put on fake lashes, eyeliner, and eye shadow so my eyes were dramatic and dark in contrast with my dewy, blushed skin. My lips were a soft pink, and I couldn’t stop looking at myself.

The stylist had come in with the dress, and had me strip naked so she could help me into it. She hadn’t even blinked as I stood there with no clothes on as she chose the right pair of underwear and bra for me, and I figured this must be a fancy people thing. The dress was black lace. It looked sheer, but it had a nude underlay, so all the private bits were actually covered. It had a thin strap on my shoulders and cut down deep between my breasts. It was paired with a thin black silk belt that accentuated my small waist, as the saleswoman had informed me. The rest of the dress was long and flowy and had a slit up to my mid-thigh. It was such a massive contrast to what I had worn my entire life.

The stylist had me put on a nude shaper under the dress that was squeezing my thighs so tight I felt like they would be bruised by the end of the night. I’d honestly rather deal with chub rub than wear something like this again. In the store, I had told them that I had never worn heels before, so they had given me a pair of black, open-toed shoes with shorter heels so I wouldn’t fall or walk like a baby lamb in front of all these important, fancy people.

For jewelry, the stylist had put diamond studs in my ears, a bracelet with four-leaf clovers on it on my wrist, and two thin diamond rings on my fingers. I shuddered to think of how much they cost.

I dreaded being a spectacle at this party, but I also wanted Kian to know that I supported him, and although I had been thrust into a life I knew very little about, if there was one thing I was good at, it was acclimating to my surroundings. I had done it my whole life and I could certainly do it now.

I heard a shuffle behind me and turned to find Myles standing in the doorway in a suit.

“My! You look amazing!” I hobbled over to him, still trying to navigate walking in heels, and brushed a speck of dust off the lapel of his jacket.

“The one who looks amazing is you. Kian is going to lose his mind,” Myles complimented me.

“I can barely breathe in this dress, but they told me that’s the point, so I’m just hoping for the best.” I shrugged as I laughed at how absurd it was that just a few days ago, I only had a few pairs of pants in my entire wardrobe, and here I was wearing a dress that probably cost the equivalent of a few months of my paychecks from Kafe. I grabbed the tiny purse the stylist had given me, and stuck the extra lipstick the makeup artist had left for “touch-ups” and my phone into it and clicked it shut.

“Ready?” I asked Myles.

“Are you?” He held the door open for me as we walked down the hallway to meet everyone on the main floor.

“No,” I answered honestly. I had told Kian I didn’t want to be in any photos, so he and the band would be dropped off outside the venue to talk to the press, and the driver had been instructed to drive Myles and me around back to duck in unnoticed. I had told Kian it was because it was his welcome back party, and he deserved the spotlight, and I didn’t want to be a distraction. While that was mostly true, I also didn’t want too many unnecessary eyes on Myles and me.

I wasn’t shy. It was not a low confidence thing either—it was simply just not my vibe and not an expectation that I wanted anyone to have of me. I was happy to be in the background of all this hoopla and chaos. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Kian’s friends were funny and much more down-to-earth than I had expected them to be. The coffee gig they had given me had almost made me cry. It had been so nice of Ash and Gordon to go out of their way to give me a gift like that.

But as warm and as welcoming as they had been, and as unassuming and chill as they came across, the lifestyle the band led and the way the people they surrounded themselves with lived was still outrageous to me. It was crazy to think that while people ate steak for lunch, got breakfast spreads delivered every morning, and wore dresses that cost more than most people spent on a month of groceries, there were also people struggling with daily life. Ironically the balance of money felt more off now that I had a tiny taste of luxury than it had when I had struggled to afford basic necessities.

My entire life, every dollar had been spent as carefully as possible, yet now I knew some people had so much of it that it almost became meaningless to them. When I had told Kian I didn’t want to spend so much on a dress that I would only wear once he had said, “Babe, I promise I wouldn’t even notice if you bought two.” I knew he had meant it with the intention to assuage my worry and help me feel more comfortable with the purchase, but it had actually made me sad that the world was the way it was. While so many barely made it, others lived lives of extreme gluttony.

It wasn’t the band that made me feel like this and Kian certainly didn’t have any popstar behavior. I had noticed that Ash wore the same shoes everyday so far. I had even found out that Mika drove an old Camry that everyone made fun of him for. My perspective was more shaped from the expectations the label had of them. The haircuts in the house. The expensive cheeses in the fridge that I had yet to see anyone touch. The nightly restaurant deliveries or extravagant dinners that Zara whipped up. The freshly made bed that I came back to every night and the trip to the boutique to buy my dress.

The women there were perfectly coiffed and laughed at all the right moments. They spoke elegantly and wore designer clothes. They were what society looked up to and what I could never and wouldn’t want to compete with. I found so much of what these people thought was normal to actually be so over-the-top and unnecessary.

Yet even as practical as I was trying to keep my perspective, over the few days we had been here, Myles and I were definitely enjoying the luxury. Myles had discovered that he really liked sushi, and I could not get enough of the kitchen—the mini coffee shop I had going on, to the always stocked fridge, to the extensive options in the pantry with which I planned to start baking if Zara would let me. I shook myself out of my thoughts as I took the last step down into the main room, being careful not to trip on my dress when I heard Ash whistle.

“Damn, Bardot.” He stood to circle me. “You are looking fiiine.”

“Get the fuck away from her, Ash.” Kian had stood from the couch, practically glowering. Ash winked at me and I laughed. He was just trying to rile up his friend and it had worked. Kian was wearing a black suit that had a tuxedo lapel. His hair was perfectly styled, his beard freshly shaped, and his body strained against the constraints of his clothes.

“You are looking fine, Jessa,” Nile called in agreement from where he sat on the couch playing with an unlit cigar.

“I concur.” Mika spoke quietly, but he was loud enough for Kian to hear him.

“Jessa, go back upstairs until these hooligans leave,” Kian barked, coming closer and drawing me against him with his arm. I took a deep breath, inhaling his scent. His presence never failed to calm me and make me feel safe.

“We’re leaving together.” Ash snickered as the elevator dinged, announcing someone’s arrival.

“You look insane. Outrageous. Incredible,” he murmured in my ear, his breath hot against my face, setting all my nerve endings on fire. “Let’s stay home. You’ll sit on my face, and you can be as loud as you want because no one will be here.” He was practically panting and was already semi hard against my stomach.

I had not been in the mood last night. I was tired and still trying to find my bearings. I had never been able to say no in my few past and obviously toxic relationships, so I was apprehensive when I turned Kian down. He had not even blinked when I told him I didn’t want to have sex. Instead of complaining or begging like some other guys had, he just kissed the tip of my nose, helped me pull on one of his T-shirts to go to bed in, and held me until I fell asleep. In that moment I felt even more intimately close to him. Yet now I could feel his libido biting at the bit so to speak and every touch between us held a frisson of energy.

“You didn’t spend a small fortune on this dress for no one to see it.” I ran my hand down his chest, and he flinched.

“Did I hurt you?” I pulled back, concerned.

“I was going to show you later.” He had a smirk on his face as he began to unbutton his shirt.

“What are you doing?” I looked around the room. His band technically did not live here, but I had quickly observed that they were almost always here anyway. It didn’t allow for much privacy, but so far, it had been a really fun and loud experience.

“Limo is here,” Nile announced.

“We’ll meet you down there,” Kian told them as they all piled into the elevator, and we finally had some momentary peaceful silence. Kian moved his jacket aside, and behind his unbuttoned shirt, he revealed a fresh tattoo. I leaned closer to examine it. It was a bunch of words… in my handwriting. My heart skipped a beat.

“What’s this?” I placed my hand on his chest, avoiding the red, wrapped skin above his right pectoral.

“Look at it.” His voice was soft and tender, but there was a sharp edge to it as well as if he was holding back from saying something. I leaned closer and read:

“Jessa Bardot”

“I like that you came back”

“You look hot today, music man”

“I like your tattoos”

“Sing me our song”

“Your voice is my favorite sound”

“Us, music I just slipped a cigarette between my lips and lit up. The beautiful, toxic first breath always jarred my system, and I blew out the smoke into his face. That made him laugh, and I felt relief flood me. He was going to be okay, right? He had to be. I might have to ask Kian to help me find someone with a safe, clean supply because I didn’t know anyone out here whom I could trust with something as serious as this. I didn't want to buy him product, but I would if it came down to it.

We finished our cigarettes, and Alex came over to take the butts instead of letting us toss them, which made us both laugh again. Myles leaned over and hugged me.

“I’m okay, I promise,” he assured me.

“You better be.” I tried to sound threatening, but my voice wavered.

“You love him,” Myles observed as we walked back toward the car door that Alex held open for us.

“I guess I do.” I smiled. Myles squeezed my hand and held the bottom of my dress up so I wouldn’t trip as I maneuvered myself back into the car.

“Thank you,” I whispered to the band.

“We got you.” Ash nodded at me. Kian took my hand and squeezed it tight. It was going to be okay, I told myself. It had to be.

Sneaking in the back had been an amazing idea because as soon as the band stepped out of the limo they were immediately swarmed by the media. They wanted so many photos and stopped each of the guys to do an interview. I had watched from the car and then again through a blacked-out window from inside the venue, and it looked so overwhelming that I couldn’t fathom how Kian handled it.

He may come across quiet with little to say, but once I had gotten to know him better, I realized that he was actually always simmering with emotion right beneath the surface. I didn’t know how he kept his cool and didn’t snap at the ridiculous questions, the yelling, the insane crowd, and the posing for picture after picture. Adara found Myles and me hiding in a corner and practically dragged us over to a table to get food.

“No one eats at these things ’cause they’re all on an appetite suppressant, so we can’t let it go to waste,” she told me as she handed me a plate with fancy-looking pastries on it.

“Why would someone want to suppress their appetite when all of this exists?” I wondered out loud as I licked custard off my finger. Adara laughed.

“More for us” was her answer. She had gotten me a flute of champagne and handed Myles a glass of nonalcoholic cider, which he took but didn’t drink. It seemed that the news had been spread around fast amongst the band's staff. Don’t give the brother anything; he’s sober.

I knew Myles had to be relieved and annoyed at the same time—relieved he doesn’t have to explain himself but frustrated that people know his personal business.

By the time the band finally joined us, I was a few drinks and many tiny, expensive cakes in. Adara had pointed out who all the important people were and then told me the tea. I now knew who was sleeping with whom, who had recently gotten their boobs done, who was probably getting dropped from their label soon, and who had just gotten out of rehab. When I asked her how she knew all of this, she very seriously told me that as the head of the band's social media, it was her job to know everything.

Kian came over as Adara bounded off to video some footage of someone doing something. She spoke so fast and with a twinge of an accent that I couldn’t always keep up.

“Having fun?” he asked me.

“Oh, so much.” I hiccuped.

“Did you drink?” he asked with a laugh.

“Just a little.” I made a motion of a small size with my fingers. “I gotta pee,” I announced, standing.

“It’s right past the elevators to the left,” Kian told me.

“I’ll be right back.” I stood unsteadily on my feet. Heels and champagne were turning out to be an interesting mix.

“We’ll come with you,” Myles corrected, standing up to follow me. Kian stood as well, and the three of us made our way through the crowd. This proved to be difficult when Kian got stopped every few feet. Everyone kept saying how stunning I was and asking who I was wearing. I let Kian do all the talking because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

When we finally made it to the bathroom, I went inside, and the boys waited in the hall for me. Peeing in shapewear proved to be almost impossible, but I finally managed it and had my hand on the door handle to pull it open when I heard Kian say, “If you feel like using or if you’re out and need help, I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night, you wake me up. I will come get you or sit with you or do whatever you need.”

“I appreciate it,” Myles mumbled. I knew he hated feeling like he was a burden and was ashamed to be struggling, so I was happy that he was at least seemingly open to talking to Kian about it.

“Of course, man, you’re like a brother to me,” I heard Kian say. Tears sprung to my eyes, and I blinked them away.

“I just don’t know how long I can fight it for, dude. I’m so tired,” Myles confessed. I knew he was struggling. I always knew. I wished I could just take it from him. But this was ultimately a fight he had to battle on his own. All the support and love in the world was helpful, but when it came to beating addiction, it boiled down to one thing: The addict’s desire to stay clean had to be stronger than their craving to use. Because that craving never went away. That was the shittiest part of their illness.

“I know you are,” Kian said softly. I almost couldn’t hear him. I peeked through the crack between the door and the doorway and saw that Kian had Myles wrapped up in a hug. I sucked in a sob and then made some loud footsteps by the door to warn them that I was coming out. I opened the door with a fake, bright smile on my face.

“Sorry, that took so long. This dress is impossible to pee in.”

“We thought you fell in,” Myles joked, avoiding eye contact with me again.

“Let’s go get more of those tarts,” I told him, trying to lighten the mood.

“I love you,” I told him under my breath, squeezing his arm.

“I know. I love you too,” he said and smiled back at me, but it didn’t meet his eyes.

Back in the main room, Myles disappeared for a bit, and when I scanned the room, I found him at the crepe station talking to the waiter who was making the dessert. I caught his eye and motioned that I wanted one. He gave me a thumbs-up and kept talking. My feet were starting to go numb from standing in heels for so long, and my thighs hurt from being stuffed into the shapewear. At this point, I was feeling like a sausage.

“You okay?” Ash asked as he noticed me shifting from one foot to the next as I tried to give each of my feet a break.

“Nope,” I answered honestly, taking another large gulp of my champagne. “I need to get out of this dress.”

“I can help you with that.” Ash grinned, slow and seductive, which seemed to be his permanent personality.

“I’m good,” I retorted playfully.

“Ash is trying to get his ass beat,” Nile interjected gleefully. Ash shrugged lazily.

“Nah, just trying to be a good friend.” He winked at me and then strolled away.

“He’s an idiot; just ignore him—we all do,” Nile told me as he snagged another flute of champagne off of a server’s tray and handed it to me.

“Thanks.” I took another sip. I had never gotten drunk from champagne before, and I didn’t mind it. It was a sweeter and gentler buzz than the heavy sour beer that I usually had access to.

“Jace is a good one.” Nile, whom I had never seen act serious in the few days I had been getting to know him, was suddenly sounding sincere.

“I know.” I nodded.

“Just making sure ’cause I’ve never seen him like this with anyone.” Nile shifted uncomfortably, sticking his hands in the pockets of his suit pants.

“Like what?” I tried to sound chill, but my heart sped up just like it always did when I thought about the fact that Kian wanted me to stay. That he needed me. That maybe I would get a happily ever after for myself.

I was ready for Nile to say something simple along the lines of Kian looks like I make him happy, but instead, he said, “Like everything finally makes sense.”

Suddenly, everything did make sense. I leaned over and gave a surprised Nile a hug.

“Thank you.” I smiled. He nodded and then got called away to talk to someone, so I went in search of Kian.

I found him talking to a beautiful blonde with Gordon. Gordon stared at me as I walked up and said, “Wow.”

“Hi.” The blonde stuck her hand out to shake mine. “I’m Milan. Who are you?” Everything about her was sexy. Her ridiculously long legs, her thick eyebrows, her puffy lips, and even her low voice dripped sex.

“This is my girlfriend,” Kian interrupted and pulled me to his side with one strong arm. The girl looked surprised but quickly schooled her face.

“Cute.” She pursed her lips at me. “I’ll be in touch,” she told Gordon, and as she walked away, she waved at Kian but completely ignored me.

“Okaay?” I laughed, feeling awkward.

“Get used to it, hun,” Gordon told me. “They all want him, and now their claws are out because they know they can’t have him.”

“They don’t even know me to want me,” Kian muttered.

“Can we get a photo of the beautiful couple?” A photographer with a lanyard around her neck stating which famous magazine she was from came up to us, holding up her camera. Kian looked down at me questioningly. I nodded.

“You sure?” He smoothed his beard with one hand, still holding me close to his body with the other.

“You’re mine, aren’t you?” I stated.

“I’ve only ever been yours.” He leaned down to kiss my lips, and I heard the shutter of the camera purr.

“Then they should know.” I kept my tone casual, but I suddenly felt fiercely protective of what we had growing between us. He smiled at my words, and we turned to pose for the camera. She took a few shots and then thanked us.

“You are the most beautiful woman here, Miss Bardot, because I can tell that you are the most real person in this room,” she told me in parting.

“Maybe the media isn’t all bad,” I told Kian as we made our way back to our seats. He chuckled at that.

“No, they're all bad. She’s just nicer than the rest of them.”

Back at my seat, I found a cooling crepe but no Myles. As I dug into the chocolate and strawberry goodness, I scanned the room again, trying to find him, but since the music had picked up, the dancers were now blocking my view, and he was lost in the crowd.