7. Hardy
Chapter Seven
Hardy
Fuck.
Fuck.
What the fuck did I just do? I bolt out of the front door, jumping in my truck. Running. Like I always do when I’m about to feel anything, I run. This time, it’s better than staying.
I can’t do this to Thayer; she deserves so much better. I’m no good, never have been. Yeah, I have a great job. I love where I live. I’ve changed but not enough for her.
Not enough for her brother. One will never accept this—us. Hell, I can’t even wrap my head around it, but damn if I don’t want her wrapped around me.
What the fuck? Why did I follow her? Watching her lick her lips, soft and supple as they are, I wanted her. And I’ll be damned if she didn’t bite down, all because I was touching her.
We spoke so badly to each other. I never meant the things I said, I wanted to warn her off. To scare her away. No, by God, she comes at me like a viper. Fucking hotter than hell.
But when her eyes locked on mine, I was shattered. I just knew Thayer hated me, though she would never forgive me. Sitting so close to her was too much for me. The flush in her cheeks was too much; I was a goner.
Six weeks ago, I fell at her feet to worship her. Nothing has changed but the way I get to do it. I can’t let ‘bathroom gate’ ever happen again. I have to stay far enough away from her until she can understand this isn’t happening.
Back to square one. The operation, ‘stay the hell away from my best friend’s sister,’ starts tomorrow, after I’ve had time to adjust my senses. And time to handle my hard-on because I’ll be damned if I can be around her with blue balls.
Damn. I want her more now than ever.
I start my truck, put it in gear, and drive away. Like I should have done a half-hour ago. Racing down Highway Seventeen, I take a long way around to get home. I need the road and deafening music to get this shit outta my head.
Drown is playing, so I crank it. Giving in to all the things I had put away years ago. Things I’ve tried to move on from, things that will never be talked about again.
I’m not a good man, never have been. I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes. Now, Thayer is one of my many causalities. Another piece of my life that I’ll live with regrets over.
Learning early in life, I would have to live with many regrets; I had come to terms with most. But this one, Thayer, I’ll put away with the one that haunts me. The one that never goes away. Every waking hour, I remind myself of what I did. The hurt I caused.
Is there ever a time you can pay for your sins and still get to be happy? No, I don’t think so either. At least, I haven’t found a way. Too many wrongs to make right. Mistakes that haunt my dreams.
I realize Thayer is hurting; it was more than in her words. Her beautiful blue eyes told me what I needed to know—she feels the same about me as I do her. Allowing me the escape of always knowing at one point, she loved me as I love her.
The disgusting words flowed as if I believed them when they came out, far from it. I’m so broken for having to say those things. I needed to show her I want her. I want to be sunk deep inside her. Giving her every orgasm she would ever want.
I want to give my heart to her openly and honestly. But it will never happen. There’s a tear in my heart that will never heal. Never allowing me to be whole. So I do what I do best. I walk away.
Growing up in foster care had its own issues; add mine to it, and it was toxic more often than not. The one family who tried their best with me, I walked away from. I was so afraid if I let them get close, to love me, I would lose them. So I pushed them away.
At some point, a caseworker called it my defense mechanism. Telling me, I destroyed things on purpose. Explaining to me I didn’t want to be loved because I was afraid they wouldn’t always be there for me.
She wasn’t far from the truth. Being afraid I’m the reason they leave, the reason they can’t stay. People in my life have either left or died. I feel like I’m cursed. Those choosing to stay haven’t always met a perfect end.
So yes, I push people away. It’s easier when I’m left alone.
On the streets, since I was fifteen, I learned the hard way.
I paid the price for holding onto things too tightly.
What wasn’t taken, I threw away. I thought I had it all figured out.
Little did I know; life will bite the hell outta you even when you feel you have nothing to lose.
Loss is nothing new to me; it’s a life requisite.
To have Thayer would be a dream come true. A woman like her loves hard, a love I’ve never been given. To lose her because of this damn curse would be the biggest tragedy in my life. I wouldn’t make it out alive. Taking her under would decimate me.
Six weeks earlier…
Standing across the room, I watch her move through the crowd like a huntress looking for her prey. I stand there, waiting for her to find me. Want me. I wait for her to hunt me down. By God, if she doesn’t have me in her sights. She walks right up to me, and I fall at her feet.
Built like the goddess she is, her dark pink lips pout perfectly with her every word. I’m hypnotized by the sway of her hips as I follow her out the door. Entranced by the way she tilts her head when she speaks, her eyes crinkling slightly as if she is asking me to love her.
Never did she realize she was telling me to love her.
We sit in the back of my truck all night, talking. Around dawn, we drive to her place, eat leftover Chinese for breakfast while we sit on her kitchen floor, our backs against the cabinets, sharing a bottle of water.
We spend the day talking, in the same clothes from the night before. Later in the evening, we watch the last three seasons of SPN, never ceasing to share our lives. Thayer knows more about me than most people.
Only a few things I didn’t share. One is the reason I knew by the following Sunday evening we would never be together. That her brother was my best friend.
I’m not sure when it happened; maybe it just did.
The most complex act for some simply was not for us.
The deep connection we shared goes beyond understanding.
I may have loved her then; I was so taken with her.
Walking me out to my truck late Sunday evening, Thayer seems antsy, nervous even.
Which, in turn, makes me nervous. At this point, we haven’t even kissed.
It was always the elephant in the room but not imperative.
Like we both knew, there was plenty of time.
Taking her hand in mine, I make small circles on the back of hers, trying to calm her. It’s then I notice she’s shaking. Indeed, Thayer isn’t nervous about an impending kiss. Does she not want me to kiss her? Play it cool, dude; take your time. Ask for her number; that should chill her out.
“So is it cool if I get your number? I mean, if you want me to have it.” Thank heavens it’s dark. I freaking jacked that up.
“Oh, yeah. I mean, of course. I’ll be home in two months; I thought we could meet up. If you’d like?” she asks, pretending to look at her phone.
“Of course, but I was hoping to come back down to see you before then if it’s okay?” Her head snaps up, and she begins to smile.
“I’d really like that, are you sure? Well, I mean, I know what you just said, but you work.” Stumbling through her words only makes her more adorable; I chuckle as I exchange phones with her.
“Number, please. I’ll set mine. You know, we talked about everything except where exactly you live near Myrtle. Well, that and if you have family there.” Asking for future reference.
“Seriously, I don’t even think I know your last name. But yeah, I have two brothers. I will be moving into my own place when I get back home before I start to work. Close to home in Cherry Grove.” Handing me back my phone, I hand hers over.
“Killer. I’m not far from there; maybe I can give y’all a hand in moving. If that would work?”
Smiling, she replies quickly, “Sounds good.”
I take the opportunity to glance at my phone, making sure she hasn’t chickened out. Her name has me do a double-take. This can’t be right; no fucking way can this be right. I stare at my phone, trying to find an explanation for what I see; there is none.
“Your last name, it’s Hamilton. A Hamilton from Cherry Grove.” Desperately trying to keep my voice from breaking as my heart sinks.
“Yes. Do you know my family? Oh, maybe my oldest brother, One. Malone Woods?”
I begin to get dizzy, losing focus as everything spins. I’m at a loss for words but need to say something, anything. I gotta get out of here.
“I think I’ve heard of him. So Thayer Hamilton. I’m going to get my ass back to the beach. You have my name and number. Now, back inside before I go so, I know you’re safe.” I lean in, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. Lingering long enough to remember her scent and the gentle curve of her face.
“Oh, okay. Well, bye.” Tiptoeing, she stretches for my lips, I’m sure. I turn my head at the last second as she lands on my cheek.
She looks shocked as she backs away, finally turning to walk through the door. Thayer texts me the next day after I decline her call. She thinks I’m working and can’t respond. I’m with her brother.
The following weeks are the same; she calls or texts every other day. I listen to her messages and read her texts. It gets to the point I look for them. Typing out a message that I never send is a daily occurrence for me.
Telling her the truth is the best thing to do, but then she’ll stop texting me. I can’t bring myself to do it, to ask her to stop. So I say nothing. I let her think whatever she wants to just so I can get her damn calls. I need to hear her voice, see her words when she texts me. Just for me.
I wallow in my own self-pity, feeling broken. I want her. I’ve made it a point to never enjoy a goddamn thing in life that I can’t give myself. But I’ll be damned if I don’t want Thayer. I need her in my life. However, I can have her.
Driving to Clemson the following weekend was a horrible mistake. I’ve watched her all weekend as she packed but never left her apartment. She studied by a lamp until early morning. The light from her phone lighting up minutes before mine would signal a new text.
I’m a selfish man, it turns out. I respond to every text, only to erase it before hitting send. It’s my way of having contact with her my body so badly craves. My long, dead heart leaps with every beep.
The drive home was long and lonely. There were no texts on Sunday. Beginning to worry, I struck up a conversation with Chord until I could work around asking about her. He told me nothing more than I already knew.
“She’s good, man. I didn’t know you knew Thayer, of course. One told you about her.” Chord’s response brought me up short. Why hadn’t One talked more about her? To keep me away from her because I’m not good enough. More than likely. I shouldn’t be surprised; I know I’m not good enough.
Late in the week, I hear the ping of my phone from across the worksite. Sadly, I race to it, checking immediately for Thayer’s text. One busts my ass about it. I really don’t care; I’d gladly be pussy-whipped by her.
“Damn, who the fuck you got lined up? Must be a prime piece of ass to make you run.” If he only knew, mother fucker wouldn’t be joking. He’d really get worked up in a whole other way.
“Shut the fuck up, you have no clue. What are you doing this weekend?” He looks everywhere but at me. What the hell is going on with him? He’s been weird for a couple of weeks now; it’s getting on my nerves.
“Nothing, man. Go have fun,” he barks at me as he walks away. One stays to himself the rest of the day; I wish he would talk to me. I know he will, but when, it’s hard to say. He’ll buckle first.
Taking time to savor every word, I step behind the building to read my text in private. It’s been a few weeks now; she’ll be coming home soon. Her text is simple, asking if I’m coming down. I am, but I’ll be staying far away.
Stalking has become my favorite pastime in the last two months. I’m very good at being stealthy. She’s packed and on her way home, according to One’s conversation with his mom. I wracked my brain for days, trying to figure how to tell him. I couldn’t do it; he’d know what she means to me.
On Friday, I continue my stalking. Thayer invites me to meet her at Celebrity Square at Myrtle Beach. Once there, she sets out to drive me insane. Thayer throws herself at some fucking asshole, not her brightest moment. The night ends with her in my bed until morning.
Now, here we are. I’m driving the long way home with a hard-on and the taste of Thayer on my lips. Having her wrapped around me as she comes only helped to convince me I have to have her.
Whatever it takes.