20. Thayer
Chapter Twenty
Thayer
In the days after the ‘wedding disaster,’ the aftermath was immeasurable.
I bury myself under work. Hardy hasn’t been around; One’s been by his place, but there’s no one there.
Chord and even the boys have all dropped by or sent texts to no avail.
Hardy, by all appearances, is gone. He refuses to talk to or see any of them.
There’s been no word on Eric; he’s also disappeared. As well he should, he came to destroy, and that he did. His vendetta against Hardy was a high price paid by more than Hardy. It more than likely explains Hardy’s reservations about us.
I refuse to call or text him. Driving by his house is unavoidable, though I try not to look.
I go out to Still Creek every day. Not looking for him, just wanting to be with him.
It’s our place, our home. By the end of the week, Hardy sends One a message, stating he no longer works for him.
There’s a ‘for sale sign in his yard. He’s gone.
Every minute of each day, I try to make sense of this.
Loss is never easy. People tend to come to terms when they’re ready.
I’m not prepared. I’m not sure I’ll ever be.
Trying to wrap my head around why Hardy thinks any of this is a reason to walk away makes me insane.
Losing someone by death is the most heartbreaking, earth-shattering emotion known to man.
But losing someone because they think it’s for the best is just devastating.
Do they think they’re saving the other person?
Protecting them from years of heartache?
Right now, I’d say ‘hell no, it’s for selfish reasons because I don’t think my heart will ever heal.
Sometimes, there are no words to explain how broken you are or what even broke you in the first place.
The deep-seated need to be held by the person who hurt you is somewhat masochistic.
Yet, here I am, arms tightly wound around my legs. Rocking in place, in the middle of my bed, I just need him. Wanting Hardy to make it all go away. But he can’t. He took away my option. My choice. He left me having to accept his decision for my life.
Why the fuck do people feel the need to make those kinds of choices for each other? You’re still leaving one fucked up person behind. Grieving and blaming themselves for not loving you more. It’s a chicken shit escape.
When days turn to weeks, the ache in my chest ebbs and flows.
Like the tide on the shore, sometimes the waves break, the impact minuscule.
On the other hand, sometimes the wave builds deep beneath the water, rising to an explosive wave that batters the beach.
Taking with it the foundation which holds the shore together.
The tide washing away everything except the bad. It stays.
Those dreadful weeks turn into a month. A month, into two.
I find myself reverting back to counting days.
Who does that? Me. Sixty-one days without feeling his warmth against my body.
If I had ever worried I’d forget his voice or his face, my dreams remind me it’s an impossible task.
The impact his presence made in my life was so altering it catches me off guard most days.
Still, I love him.
By the end of the third month, it’s clear I need to move on.
Hardy’s never going to come back. I’m tired.
Tired of waiting. Of being broken. Dreaming of him, wishing he’d just call and talk to me.
Missing him and the warmth of his body. Hardy loves me even though he refuses to be with me.
And I love him. I’m not sure I know how not to.
“Thayer, it’s dancing. Just us girls. No partying, no men.
Besides, I’m fucking married to your brother.
We’re taking my daughter-in-law and fiancées of your nephews.
It’s just drinks.” Lea wrestles my niece, Harlyn, into diaper her.
She and her twin brother Wren are almost six months old. Hardy’s missing everything.
“Fine. However, I will not be free to meet anyone. Got it?” I say emphatically. Lea lays Harlyn in her pack-n-play before turning to me.
“Thayer, I know, hurt. I know being scared to love. I would never push you, sweetie. It’s too soon; I get it. How are you doing?” Lea sits beside me, taking her eyes off of her children long enough to make sure I know she cares.
“The same, just hiding it better. I miss him, but I think, I know, I need to move on. Hardy will never come back now.” I wipe the tears falling from my eyes as Lea turns to me.
“Thayer, love makes people braver than they’ve ever been. It also makes them chicken shits. I, of all people, understand why someone hides their past. I also hid from mine. I was convinced I would be the downfall of Malone.” Worry mars her face at the thought.
“I remember. How did you ever overcome it? The fear?” She hands me a tissue for my constantly leaking eyes.
“I didn’t. Malone stayed angry with me for all of the back and forth; my God, he’s a good man.
But he knew I would need to come to terms with being loved.
Oddly enough, I never doubted my love. I didn’t think anyone was strong enough to love me.
What do we deserve, if not love? Malone said that to me.
He made me recognize the love I had all along.
To accept what was given freely, something I’d never received.
Sometimes, it’s hard to fathom why someone rejects love.
Most of the time, it’s because they don’t love themselves.
” Standing, she walks over to look in on the twins, who have fallen asleep.
“So now what? Move on? Wait for him to realize I love him?” Taking a sip of my water then I grab another tissue.
“I can’t tell you. Your path is yours. You can’t do it the way we did.
But you do need to recognize it when it comes.
Don’t, no matter what, give up if you’re not ready to shut him out.
” Lea pulls me into a hug. “Now, let’s get dressed for drinks by the ocean.
” Patting me on the back, she walks toward her bedroom.
Later, we spend a great evening on the shore. We dance our asses off while drinking everything we can stand. It is a great night. One, we each pay for the entire day on Sunday.
Our family gathered at my parents for a cookout, the first of the season.
Chord and I made a quick run to the grocery store for Mom when she realized she had forgotten a few items. We split up once there to make it faster, both of us not wanting to miss a thing.
Rounding the corner, I don’t notice what’s in front of me, and I run into a wall of a man.
Catching me before I hit the floor are strong, tatted arms. His hands around my waist grip me tightly, stopping me from hitting the floor. I take the opportunity to feel his biceps, nice, but he’s no Hardy.
“Walker. What the fuck are you doing to my sister?” Walker. Nice name, must be a country boy.
“Chord. This is Thayer?” My newfound friend looks me up and down, still not letting go.
“It is. Mind letting her go?” Chord’s voice grows deep, making me tilt my head, questioning the issue he has with Walker. Chord rolls his eyes with a shake of his head, then reaches for me. Pulling me from his grasp.
“I’m beginning to wonder what kind of friend you are, Chord. Having a sister that looks like this but never shares.” His smile spreads wide when his brow cocks to the side.
“It makes me a better brother, I believe.” Walker’s smile shifts into a smirk as he fake punches Chord in the arm.
“It’s good to see you, man. A pleasure, Thayer.” Walker takes my hand, shaking it before he walks away.
“You’ve been holding out,” I say, slapping my brother on the arm as we watch Walker turn the corner.
“Not in the least; besides, you need to get your shit straight before moving on.” Throwing his arm over my shoulder, he kisses me on the head.
“Chord, my heart’s so shattered, I’ll never be the same. But my eyes aren’t broken,” I joke, jabbing him in the side. We chuckle as we walk to the checkout.
Four months after Hardy, I’m still here. In the same place, I was that terrible evening. How can people not recognize the enormity of their actions? The audacity to make life-changing decisions on your behalf as if it will never evolve into a gruesome benign case of masochism is beyond me.
I’ve spent four months, one hundred and twenty-two days, every waking moment, dissecting my every move with him. What I did wrong. How we could have changed things. You know, so when he comes back, we can fix our issues. Because that’s gonna happen.
Goddamn it, I’m such a fool. Mother fucker is going to leave me like this for the rest of my life. I’m pissed at myself for allowing it. Yet, I can’t stop it. Maybe the best thing to happen lately is that I’m fucking mad as hell. So I do the most ignorant thing a girl can do… I go on a date.
For the past month, Walker has been ever-present.
I’m not sure when it happened, but I consider him a friend.
If he asks me out, I won’t think twice. He’s a good guy.
Handsome and intelligent. His blond hair and blue eyes with that all-American smile make the gray skies fade. No, never leaving, just ebbing.
He’s been a great friend the last few weeks. Making me laugh, putting a Band-Aid on the gaping hole that my soul can’t repair. He’s no Hardy, thank God. Indeed my luck isn’t so bad that I’d end up with two.
The turning of the tide happens one evening in late August. Walker shows up at my office with flowers. What the fuck do I do now?
“Hey, gorgeous. I’m thinking…dinner. By the shore. Maybe a walk, nothing heavy. Just us buddies, hanging out. His blue eyes are soft and friendly. A sweet smile on his perfect lips.