20. Thayer #2
Walker is truly a gorgeous man. Strapping even.
He’s six-feet-four, maybe six-five. Beach blond hair with eyes as blue as the sky.
The sweetest disposition anyone could ask for, easy-going—perhaps too easy.
Built with broad shoulders and swagger befitting a country boy. Yeah, Walker is a pure country boy.
Faded, tight jeans with a t-shirt and ball cap pulled down close as if he’s hunting his prey behind hooded eyes.
Lots of women dream about men like him. He looks like a surfing cowboy.
His family owns a farm just on the outskirts of Shallotte.
But his good looks and fortune don’t end there; Walker is an attorney.
A catch by any sense of the phrase. I’m a lucky woman to be spending so much time with him.
Breakups are different for girls. We like to hold on to all the shit that fucked us up and make every man we meet pay for the fucker before them.
That’s not me. I prefer revenge. So I opt for happiness.
It looks good on me. I accept Walker’s date.
Not wanting anything more than to forget.
I’m over being miserable. I may never love another man the way I did Hardy, but by God, I can try.
After a nice dinner, we take our walk. The beach is quiet, just us and the waves. Vacation season will soon be over, Labor Day looms in the not too distant future. Soon, the leaves will change, signaling autumn to arrive. Another season without him.
“What’s on your mind, Thayer?” Walker bumps me with his shoulder.
“Penny, for my thoughts? Change. Change is on my mind, Walker. You?” Glancing at him, I’m hoping he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes.
“You. Always you, Thayer. I find I’m spending more and more time thinking about you. I’m really hoping that’s okay with you.” Our pace slows; I feel the shift in the conversation before he even begins to speak.
Walker Pennington wants more. With me.
“What do you want me to say, Walker? That I’m ready? I can’t make promises or say things I don’t mean. It’s not who I am.” I stop to face him, and Walker listens to every word. His hands shoved in his front pockets, shoulders relaxed. He hears me, he may not like it, but he hears me.
“Okay. We’ll start there.” A sheepish grin is plastered on his face. He gets the courage when he finally looks into my eyes, and I see the one thing I don’t want. Love.
“Slowly, Walker.” Ever heard the saying ‘famous last words? Those were mine.
September and October come and go quickly, all in thanks to Walker Pennington. He’s one of the kindest men you ever want to meet. Our relationship makes all the progressions of an average couple. His patience is unwavering, even amid my begrudging ways.
A rainy fall day keeps us inside, watching movies and reading books, snuggled on my couch. Walker leans in for a kiss, which he gets. But then, it’s suddenly more. His eyes smolder with want, making my breath catch in my throat.
His interpretation wasn’t my intent. I’m afraid of what this will mean if I kiss him.
If I sleep with him. I’m not ready. I can’t.
He thinks I am, though, and I let him Going as far as I can without hurting him.
Or so I thought. When I push him away, the hurt registered in his eyes is the same I see in mine every day.
“Thayer, I’ve tried to give you time. Giving you space and understanding, but I love you. I can’t hide it; I want a future with you. He’s not coming back, but I’m here, and I love you.” Walker hovers above my mouth before placing his lips to mine. He stands, walking toward the door.
“Walker, I’m sorry. Just give me a few more days. Please?” I jump from the couch to follow him. He turns to me.
“A few more days, Thayer. But you need to decide.” Wrapping myself around him, I hold tight to the only thing I’ve had to save me all these months.
Once Walker leaves, I sit in a pile on the floor, crying. I hate myself because I’m not hurting because of Walker. I’m wanting Hardy. I never imagined I’d be so easy to leave. To forget. He hasn’t even been in touch with anyone. It’s like he’s died. Gone forever.
For the first time in my life, I contemplate suicide. Thinking that leaving this place is my best option. I’m devastated. Unmoving. I can’t live another minute without him. His soul is mine, and if he’s gone, I no longer want to live. I can’t love another man, not the way I love him.
How do I get beyond this loss? This emptiness nothing else fills? How can he be out there and not want to be with me? I need him so much. How can he survive without me?
Just as I fall to the floor with nothing left in my soul, I hear a faint voice.
One of love. Lea stands above me, looking as if someone has died.
In a way, they have; me. She joins me on the floor, not to stop me or to have me give up.
No, my best friend swaddles me in her arms and holds me.
Lea sheds every tear that I do. Every crack my heart suffers at this moment, Lea feels with me. Showing me, I’m not alone.
I’m not sure how long we sit there, in a puddle of tears and hurt. At some point, she began rocking me. Consoling me in the same way One soothes her. Humming a sweet lullaby, I’ve heard her sing to the twins. My heart isn’t repairable; she knows this. So she sits with me until I can move.
Once I pull myself together, I walk to the bathroom to wash my face.
I can hear Lea in the kitchen; I’m sure she’s cooking as she talks to One.
That woman’s intuition is as good as our mother’s.
Just as the thought comes, I hear a knock at the door.
Peeping around the corner, I see my angel standing there.
I run into her arms, beginning the process all over again.
Around one a.m., we all three lay in my bed. No words, just being there together, three women who have suffered lost love in three very different ways. Though different, the pain feels the same for all of us. Mom breaks the silence somewhere around two a.m.
“You know, girls, you both bring me so much joy. I’m proud to be your mother. Such strong young women.” She hugs me tighter as she squeezes Lea’s hand.
“Strong? Mom, have you already forgotten what you found this evening?” I question her and her sight.
“No, baby, I haven’t. Have you forgotten what Lea has endured?” Her words stun me. Of course, I haven’t.
“No. Never. You two are the strong ones,” I reply with conviction.
“Not so, Thayer,” says Lea. “Elise had no choice but to move on from her love for Malone’s father.
Death, although not easy, is final. My life wasn’t about losing love; until Malone, I had never known it.
You’ve known it, held it close, and lost it.
Choosing to move on is entirely different from what we were handed.
You have to grieve and then decide if you can move on. ” She squeezes my hand.
“How can you love two people? Is there any way? I don’t want to lose Walker, but I’ll never love him the way I love Hardy. If only I knew for certain, he’d never come back. If only I knew the whole story if Hardy would just talk to me.” Tears fall fresh from my eyes.
“Well, baby. I know for a fact you can love two people. Sometimes, it’s a greater love. Sometimes, it’s equal to that love. Do you want to move on, Thayer?” My mother is ever patient.
“Maybe. I need to do something first. I also need to talk to Walker. Damn him. Damn Hardy to hell. I pray he’s as broken as I am,” I cry, giving in to the flood of tears after the damn breaks once again.
“I’m sure he is, Thayer. I, for one, know what loving someone you walk away from feels like. It’s a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But Hardy, of course.” Lea chuckles, making us all cry-giggle. Girls get that.