52. Talk of love and forgiveness
52
TALK OF LOVE AND FORGIVENESS
Being a Tuesday, Netta would normally be at the foodbank, but she was having the day off to take Colin to a doctor. She could have left the job to one of the others, but it was something she felt she had to do herself. They’d come to the one Clive had recommended. Colin hadn’t wanted to go to his own in case he bumped into someone he didn’t want to see. Arianne mostly, but there was also the possibility of Adam and Jude, his neighbours. Netta had never liked them, so she was happy to bring him across town. Besides, a private doctor was easier to get an appointment with.
Colin had been in there for absolutely ages, and she’d exhausted the waiting room’s ample selection of magazines. There were, after all, only so many ways you could be told wide-legged pants were the new skinny jeans, and red lipstick was the new red lipstick. She’d even read an article about air fryers now that it seemed she was stuck with one. It was hilarious really when she thought about Doogie’s legacy for her. Two doomed love affairs, one lost baby, a litter of pups and an air fryer. Well if nothing else, at least she’d be able to make nice chips.
She checked the clock and wondered, not for the first time, what they were up to in there. She avoided looking at the receptionist because there were also only so many ways you could say that no you did not require another latte and Danish. You didn’t get this at your local GP. A leaflet on cystitis and a working toilet was as much as you could expect there, if you were lucky. But you got what you paid for, she supposed. If you could afford to spend money on this kind of treatment all the time, you’d want to feel like you were in a spa. She wondered how Colin was paying for it. Perhaps he still had money squirreled away somewhere. His ill-gotten gains from when he’d pretended to be a penniless artist and made her pay for everything. He probably built up a tidy nest egg then. She hoped Arianne didn’t know about it because he was going to need it when they got him back home.
Colin came out of the doctor’s room at last. She met him halfway but had to wait until they were back in the car before he gave her the details. ‘The doctor thinks I’m undernourished and depressed. She’s arranging other tests to rule out anything else. I have some supplements to help build me back up. I refused medication for the depression and said I didn’t want a therapist.’
‘How did she take that?’
‘She didn’t have much choice. I told her I’m managing just fine with Geraldine’s help.’
‘Fair enough. How do you think you’ll get on when you don’t see so much of Mum?’
‘When you move me back into my own house, you mean? Doogie told me the plan. I’ve discussed it with Geraldine. When the time comes, she’ll come to me, or I’ll go to her. She said she’ll be around for as long as I need her.’
Wow. Sometimes Netta wondered if her mother wasn’t some kind of superhero in disguise. Or maybe a saint. She had to be one or both of those things considering how much work she was putting into helping a man she had such a massive grudge against.
Colin asked if they could stop somewhere for a walk. ‘I feel like I’ve been cooped up inside for too long. I could do with stretching my legs.’
She took him to Edgbaston Reservoir. She hadn’t been here since her mum was coming to the end of her therapy. It seemed appropriate somehow.
‘I’m sorry about the record last night,’ she said when they’d been walking for a while. ‘I forgot it was in there.’
‘That’s okay. At least Claire had the decency not to finish reading it out. That would have been embarrassing.’
‘Would it have been so embarrassing though? We all write stupid declarations when we’re young.’ She was thinking about a book she’d bought Doogie when he was still very much her Heathcliff. It was Wuthering Heights , naturally. She’d written something cringeworthy on the inside of it. From one outsider to another , if she remembered correctly.
‘It wasn’t stupid. At least, I didn’t think it was at the time. Did you?’ he said.
‘No, I thought it was cute.’
‘I’ll settle for cute. Tell me something, truthfully. Did you love me at all?’
‘Yes, I did.’ If he’d asked her six years ago, or even six months ago, she’d have said no. But pain has a habit of warping your memories. For too long she could only think of the man he’d become. Lately, she’d remembered the shy, nerdy boy who wrote his undying love on a record sleeve. And yes, she had loved him. Not in the same way she’d loved Doogie then. Not in the same way she loved Frank now. But she’d loved him all the same.
‘I loved you so much,’ he said.
‘No, you loved the idea of me. Until it got too much.’
‘Not true.’
‘If you loved me so much, why did you want to change me? All those times you nagged me to make my dress and my language more appropriate. And what about refusing to call me Netta? You always called me Annette, even though I didn’t like it. And I know you think I belittled you but you were on a daily mission to make me as small as possible. And all of that was before the affair. Afterwards, you just wanted to crush me.’
‘I was an absolute bastard, and perhaps you were too much for me to handle but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. Please, don’t take that away from me, Netta.’
She stopped walking and took his hand. ‘If I ever belittled you or made light of your feelings for me, I’m sorry. But that was nothing to the way you treated me. From the moment you found out about me and Doogie you made my life unbearable.’
He looked at her hand holding his and touched it gently with his free one. ‘I know. And the worst part of it is I enjoyed it. I can’t begin to describe just how much disgust I have for myself right now.’
She searched his eyes for the lies that usually hid behind them but saw none. ‘Colin. We’re in our fifties now. It’s time to stop suffering and move on. I forgive you. For all the things you did. I forgive you.’
‘But I haven’t done a proper apology yet.’
‘I think you have.’
‘I’m going to pay you back. All the money I took from you under false pretences, I’m going to pay it back.’
‘And how are you going to do that?’
‘I’m going to sell the house.’
‘But you love that house.’
He shook his head. ‘Not anymore. When I get back in, I’m going to put it on the market.’
She touched his cheek. ‘You don’t need to pay me back in money. You just need to be a better person.’
‘I’m going to do both.’ He blushed and couldn’t look at her.
She was reminded again of that shy, nerdy boy she once thought was cute and she put her arms around him. A strange feeling came over her. Relief. How about that? Forgiveness must do that to you.
They were almost home and were just passing the road the allotments were on. She’d thought Colin was miles away, but he suddenly blurted out: ‘Could you drop me here?’
Netta stopped the car. After his last visit, she wasn’t so sure it was a good idea.
He must have sensed her hesitancy. ‘I’d like to catch Ursula if I can, and she has asked to see me. I’ll come straight back home afterwards, I promise. Geraldine will have my guts for garters if I don’t.’
She relaxed. It couldn’t do any harm, could it? ‘Well you don’t want to make the mighty Gezza angry.’
‘I certainly do not. That woman is my lifeline. Where would I be without her counselling and her numerous pies?’
She let him out and drove on home. Claire had stayed over last night. She was heading back to Brighton today and Netta wanted to say goodbye to her.
She got there just as Claire was on her way out the door. Doogie was with them. ‘It’s a pity you can’t stay a bit longer,’ he said.
‘I’ve got to get back to work, husband and kids. You’ve got Merrie for a few more days. She’ll kick your arse for me if it needs doing,’ said Claire.
She gave Netta a hug. ‘Hope things get sorted with Colin. I actually feel sorry for him. Don’t know how that happened.’ She prodded Doogie in the chest. ‘Sort your life out you, before you’re old and grey and nobody wants you.’
They waited until her car had turned the corner before going inside. ‘Frank’s just gone to take over from your dad at Colin’s,’ he said. ‘Is now a good time to talk?’