Chapter 11
Wes
Icheck with Elli to make sure she’s comfortable with me joining them for lunch, because I don’t want to impose on them. She assures me that it’s fine, so we jump in her car and head to Schneider’s, a little German restaurant downtown that has the best food.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the information Elli gave as we pull in, order our food, and sit at a little table on the outside patio.
I order a reuben sandwich with a bag of chips, and Luke and Izzy are splitting the Weiner schnitzel plate with fried potatoes and a salad, and they each got a different flavor of cake slice to try. I think one was marzipan and one was napoleon cake, but I wasn’t paying that much attention.
Elli orders a bratwurst sandwich with a side of fries and I can’t help but smile when I see she has two desserts on her tray. An eclair, and another cake that has caramelized almonds on top. She has a sweet tooth, I’ve noticed.
She probably tastes sweet too.
No! Bad brain. She shared something very vulnerable with me today and she’s going on a date with my best friend. I can’t be thinking about how sweet she’d taste.
I clear my throat and point towards the cake on her tray, “What’s that?”
“It’s called ‘Bieninstich’ which means ‘bee sting cake.’ It’s a really old German and Swiss recipe that dates back to the twentieth century.
It’s got custard in the middle and caramelized almonds on top and it’s delicious.
My grandma made it once when we visited and I’ve never seen it anywhere else so I had to try it.
” Her eyes light up when she talks and I can’t help but smile.
Elli seems lighter now that she’s gotten her secret off her chest. I can’t even imagine holding all of that in for almost two years, with no one to talk to or a way to process and work through it.
Jess made me see a therapist when she took over guardianship of me. I tried to fight it, tried to say nothing was wrong with me. She told me that anyone who has gone through as much as I have in my lifetime needs to hash it out with an impartial third party.
I refused to talk to my therapist, Roy, at first, thinking it was a waste of time, but one day, he asked me about my mom and the flood gates opened.
I never hated my mom, I think she was broken and lost, but she tried her best given the fact that she was also traumatized. I told him how I was worried I would turn to drugs in my low times and that I would end up in a shitty relationship like she did.
I didn’t have much of a plan after high school. I had applied to schools because everyone else was, but I didn’t know what to major in or what field to go into. When I told Roy that I wanted to be a musician, we talked through how to make that happen, while still being able to support myself.
Roy referred me to a psychiatrist when I told him about the panic attacks I was having almost daily, and that’s when I was prescribed my first anti-anxiety medicine. It was eye-opening to see how different I felt when the chemicals in my brain were balanced.
I wonder if she would benefit from therapy. I don’t know much about religious trauma, but I’m almost positive that anyone who walks away from a religion like hers would have some.
“Wes, you went to UTSA, right?” Izzy asks halfway through lunch.
“I sure did.” All of the adults, besides Sean, went to UTSA for school.
“What was the commute from here like? Was it bad?”
“Depends on your schedule. It’s about an hour drive on a good day, so two hours travel time. I would make sure all my classes were scheduled for two days a week or online so I didn’t have to travel every day. It helped that Sav, Drew, and Robs went too, so we could carpool.”
“Are you considering moving here for college?” Elli asks Izzy.
Izzy shrugs. “Maybe. It’s an option for sure.”
“I told her I’d be willing to move to Utah for school.” Luke chimes in.
“Yes, but Elli lives here now, so it would make more sense for me to move in with her and go to school here than for you to have to move and find housing in Utah.” Izzy boops Luke’s nose like he’s a silly little kid, and he preens at her attention.
He really is like a touch starved cat with her. I haven’t seen him not touch her since that first night we were here. Right now, he’s got his arm wrapped around her waist while he eats with one hand.
I still think their love is sickly sweet, but I know if I were able to touch Elli like that, I’d never let my hand leave her either.
“Izzy, I love you with all my heart, but I just moved out and got into my own space. I’ve shared a room with you for sixteen years, I don’t want to share with you anymore.” Elli says.
Elli takes a bite out of the eclair after she’s finished talking and the cream filling spills out all over her lips, and there’s a chocolate streak on her top lip when she pulls away.
She uses her tongue to swipe at the cream and chocolate and makes a little humming noise, just like when she bit the strawberry, and my pants get a little bit tighter.
Fuck, why does her eating make me so hot and bothered?
“Oh wow, this is really good. Does anyone want to try it?” She offers the pastry around.
Izzy and Luke say no, and I should say no, I’m not a sweets guy.
But I want to taste what she’s tasting. I want to put my mouth where hers has been, so I say yes.
She brings the eclair to my lips and I take a bite, never breaking the eye contact we’ve locked ourselves into.
The sweetness explodes on my tongue and it’s not my favorite flavor, but I imagine this is what Elli’s lips would taste like if I were to kiss her right now and I stifle a groan.
“So?” Elli asks, her cheeks pink. Though I can’t tell if it’s from the humid Texas heat or watching me eat the pastry.
“Delicious.” But I’m looking at her lips. Her eyes dart down to my own, like she’s thinking the same thing I am.
Like she wants to taste me as much as I want to taste her.
“I think if we can share a room for sixteen years, we can share an entire apartment.” Izzy breaks whatever trance Elli and I were under.
Elli doesn’t miss a beat. “I know we can but I don’t want to.”
Izzy huffs. “I’ll convince you in the next year. Don’t you worry.”
Elli shakes her head. “No, you won’t. But you’re welcome to try. I’m not opposed to accepting bribes.”
Izzy sticks her tongue out at Elli and pretends to pout, but Luke says something in her ear that makes her giggle. Once again, they’re in their own little bubble. The rest of the world doesn’t exist to these two kids who have found their person at such a young age.
A pang of yearning shoots through me and the dread
I’ve kept buried deep down starts to creep into my
mind like a dark cloud, making me wonder if I’ll ever have love again. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be enough for someone, if I even have enough to offer someone.
Will I ever find someone who fully gets me, and wants me with all my dark parts? Will I ever find someone who’ll be supportive of my dreams and not just entertain them as some unachievable thing? Will I ever gross out my friends with how in love I am?
The clouds in my head start getting darker, and I think back to if I’ve been taking my meds the way I’m supposed to. I may have skipped a day or two. I need to get back on track.
“Good thing I’ve finished eating or I would lose my appetite.” Elli mumbles at my side.
When I focus on her, the clouds don’t seem so dark. The dread doesn’t seem so heavy. I feel a little bit of hope, that even if we’ll never have a romantic relationship, maybe this is the start of a beautiful friendship.