Chapter 40
Elli
After a long day of driving, we finally pull up to the Holiday Inn in Provo, right as the sun is setting behind Utah Lake.
I’m not going to lie, I miss the mountains. We drove through Moab on our way in, and I missed seeing the famous red rocks, the majestic mountains, and the beautiful lake that is too contaminated to swim in.
Utah is beautiful, but the air pollution is not.
Wes commented on the beauty of everything we drove past, looking out his window like he was on a tour instead of just passing through. I tried to explain everything to him, since he’s never traveled outside of Texas, but there’s a lot to take in if you’re seeing Utah for the first time.
We have tomorrow to sight see my home town, then Sunday is Spencer’s farewell.
I’m excited to show Wes some of my favorite spots.
I will say, it’s super weird to see the temples and churches everywhere I look again, even if it’s only been a few months. Growing up, it was normal to see at least three temples if you were driving an hour in either direction, and churches are more common than McDonalds.
In Texas, I haven’t seen any.
I didn’t realize how guilty seeing them made me feel until we drove past the Provo City Center temple and my gut twisted a little because I’ve never been inside for anything other than baptisms for the dead. I never got my endowment, and I never will. I’ll never be sealed.
“You okay, baby?” Wes asks as he comes back from getting our room key.
“Hm? Yeah. Just processing.” I say, shutting off the engine and stepping out of the car to grab our bags.
“Want to process with me?” He asks, studying my face.
“Yeah,” I look around and see a crowd of people, “but let’s get into the room first.”
Wes nods, then grabs his duffle bag and slings it over his shoulder. He takes my rolling case in the other hand and I put my backpack on, and he grabs my hand and we walk to the elevators inside and ride the three floors up to our room.
We settle our stuff on chairs, and then Wes sits on the bed and pats the spot next to him.
I settle down next to him and he pulls my feet onto his lap and, despite my protests that my feet are gross, takes off my shoes and socks and starts massaging my feet.
“Alright baby. Let’s process. Tell me what’s on your mind?” He asks.
“So, you know how we drove down Center Street and I pointed out the temple?”
He nods.
“When I saw it, I felt a little guilty, and I realized I haven’t felt guilty since moving to San Marcos, really.”
“Guilty about what?”
“Well, temples are like, super important in Mormon theology. When you’re twelve, you can get a temple recommend and go do baptisms for the dead.
” Wes looks confused, so I explain, “It’s when you find people who have already died and haven’t been baptized and then you act as a proxy for them so they can be baptized and their soul is saved or whatever.
” He nods his head, but I know it’s still confusing because even though I grew up doing it, I still don’t fully understand everything that goes into it.
“Anyway,” I continue, “when I decided to leave the church, I realized there are some things that I’ll never be able to do. Like getting endowed to wear garments, or be sealed to my future spouse.”
“What do those things mean?”
What do they mean?
They mean different things for different people. An active member will feel differently about them than I do.
The temple ceremonies are kept secret “because they’re sacred” or at least, that’s what they want you to believe. So because I’ve never been in an endowment or sealing, I have no clue what they entail. I only know what goes into baptisms for the dead because I actually participated in those.
“All I know is an endowment means you make special promises, get a specific blessing, and then you wear garments for the rest of your life, because the garments have special symbols on them that represent the promises you make. People usually only get endowed to go on missions or because they’re getting married.
Occasionally, someone will be endowed because they’re older and just want to be, but that’s kind of rare, I think.
A sealing is usually a wedding. It seals two people, or a family together so when someone dies, they’re still together after death.
Instead of standing in front of people with a priest, you go to the temple to a special room and do the same things as a wedding, I guess?
I don’t know. I’ve never been to one of those either because you have to be endowed to be able to go.
In some cases, if a family adopts a child or their family converts later in life, they’ll be sealed when the kids are older.
“If I had married Packer or Brigham, we would have been sealed together on our wedding day, and then any kids we had would have been ‘born in the covenant’ so we wouldn’t have had to be sealed to them because they were born already sealed to us. Does that make sense?”
Wes looks at me like I’m speaking a totally different language, but nods slowly. “Kind of, I guess. So, when we get married, we won’t be together after we die?”
My heart flutters when he says when we get married. Not if. We haven’t discussed that far into the future, and I don’t want to dwell on that right now, so I put a mental pin in that topic of conversation.
“That’s why usual vows say ‘as long as you both shall live’ or ‘till death do you part.’ The verbiage in Mormonism says ‘for eternity’ and that’s what makes them different from anyone else. They promise you’ll be with your family forever, and who wouldn’t want that?”
It’s one of the things that kept me in longer than I would have been. When I thought I wanted kids and a husband, I wanted to be worthy of them for eternity, so I did what I was supposed to.
“Thinking about it now, it’s a really good manipulation tactic. That’s one thing my family will say about me. I won’t be with my hypothetical kids for eternity. I’m ruining my parent’s ‘eternal family.’”
“That’s so fucked up. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” He pauses, searching my face for something, though I’m not sure what. “Is that… something you still want? To be sealed to someone for eternity?”
I think about it for a second before I answer.
“I honestly don’t know what happens when we die,” I say carefully, “but I like to think that a true, pure love doesn’t end in death. That somehow our spirits will be connected forever.”
Wes puts his forehead on mine and stares so intensely into my eyes, I think he can see directly into my soul.
“Our love will last forever, Elli. Somehow, out of eight point one billion people, we found each other. Somehow, your heart led you to my little corner of Texas and we ended up on the most awkward first blind date on earth. Our hearts have been intertwined since the minute I saw you walk out of your apartment. And even when our hearts stop beating, they’ll still be intertwined. ”
My eyes fill with tears at his vow, and I believe him with my entire being. If he asked me to marry him right now, I would in a heartbeat because he’s right. Our hearts, our souls, they’re intertwined. He’s embedded himself so deeply into my very being that I don’t think I’d be able to get him out.
“I love you so much, Westley Ray Jones.”
“I love you too, Elliana Louise Monson.”
Our lips, drawn together like magnets, meeting in an unhurried kiss so full of love and passion it takes my breath away.
Wes pulls me on top of him, tangling his fingers into my braided hair and angling me to deepen the kiss, slipping his tongue in my mouth. I can feel him hardening underneath me, but he seems like he’s in no hurry to fix his problem.
He pulls back, framing my face with both hands, “Thank you for opening up to me, Elli. Your trust isn’t something I take for granted.”
“Thank you for letting me be me.”
“I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else, baby.”
“I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else either.” I whisper, and he answers with a wicked grin.
“No? You wouldn’t want to role play, baby?”
“Hmmmm. I don’t know. Who would we be roleplaying as?”
Wes rolls us until he’s hovering over me, his dark hair acting as a curtain around my face, and kisses a path up my neck to my ear where he whispers, “You can be my number one fan. You won a contest for a night with your favorite artist.”
A nip to my earlobe.
“You’re so excited to spend time with me. I get excited the minute I see you walk through my dressing room door, because who would have thought the fan that won a night with me would be so fucking pretty?” He growls, trailing more kisses along my jawline, down to my chest.
“What would you do?” I whisper, arching my back to offer him access to my breasts.
He doesn’t take the bait though, and instead continues his path up the other side of my jaw.
“I would play it cool. We’d chat about music, or you.
You’d sit next to me on the couch, acting all shy and timid, but I’d see in your beautiful sapphire eyes just how badly you want me.
I’d watch you squeeze these delicious thighs together” he squeezes my right thigh, “to try and get some relief, but it wouldn’t be enough, would it? ”
I shake my head, already lost in the fantasy.
“No, it wouldn’t be enough. I’d subtly scoot closer to you, waiting for the right opportunity to ask you if I can kiss you.” He places the quickest kiss on my lips. “Would you say yes, Elli?”
“Yes. Please.” I whine, and am rewarded with a drugging kiss, like it really is our first time.
“We’d make out for a minute, and I’d pull you on to my lap so you can feel how badly I want you.” He slowly grinds his covered cock into my covered pussy, pulling a desperate moan from my throat. “Then, I’d ask if I can see those beautiful tits.”
I take initiative and sit up slightly and pull my oversized t-shirt off, grateful I didn’t put a bra on today because Wes lets out a groan that can only be described as appreciative, before he takes one in his hand and squeezes it.