Chapter Eight #2
“So do a lot of people in the fucking world; get over it. And it’s not like I fear-fear them.
It’s just—they’re too soft, and there’s just something about their eyes and—and how they just look at you like they can see your fucking soul.
This one scared me; that’s why I ran. Otherwise, I stay clear, even if I’m in the same environment as them. ”
Elio nodded. “Good to know. I will make note of that,” he said. “Although, I must admit, seeing you in that state was amusing.”
“I know you get pleasure from my suffering; that’s an unspoken fact.”
He nodded. “Yes. I do derive pleasure from your suffering,” he agreed with a serious expression. “But this particular action of yours was pretty entertaining and cute. I never thought I would associate you with that word.”
I blinked at him and opened my mouth to supply a comeback, but nothing came out, so I just sat there and squirmed.
“You said you wanted coffee?” he asked.
“Yeah, I did, but this little incident has done the job. I’m wide awake.”
“I see,” he stated. “Would you still like me to make you one?”
I raised a brow at him and laughed. “You know how to make coffee?”
“Yes,” he said, and he didn’t appreciate my underestimating him. “I do.”
“Okay … sure, go ahead.”
He turned to the coffeemaker, and I saw the ginger cat approach, leaning against the wall while it licked its fur.
“Is there any other animal you do not like?” Elio asked as he worked his way around the coffee machine.
“No … I don’t know; I haven’t seen a lot.”
“Hm.”
“What about you?” I asked, watching his back muscles work as he placed my mug under the coffeemaker.
“I haven’t seen a lot either. But I suppose I would neither like nor hate them if I saw them. It is always neutral with me.”
“Everything is neutral with you.”
“Hm.”
There was silence after that, just the sound of the machine working. He glanced my way at some point, asking me how I preferred to have my coffee. When I supplied him with the answer, he turned back to continue.
When he was done and had placed the mug beside me, he leaned against the oven opposite the counter, watching me as I took a sip.
It was … good. Not as great as Upper’s, but good.
“Is it okay?”
I gave him a thumbs-up as I drank while he watched me.
Feeling calmer after the shock of the earlier events, I put down the almost-empty mug. I decided to break the silence, trying to understand why he didn’t take his eyes off me, not even once.
They were calculating, assessing, like he wanted to broach a topic, but he wasn’t sure how to proceed.
“So … why didn’t you wake me?”
His gaze dropped to my lips. “I was about to,” he said, meeting my eyes again, “but then I entered the room and saw you were sleeping soundly; I didn’t want to wake you. Sleep is vital.”
“Says the guy who didn’t get any.”
“Hm. You know why I can’t go to sleep. I want to, I get tired and sleepy, but then I try to sleep, and it doesn’t come. It’s too loud in my head some nights.”
I sighed, concern enveloping me. “I thought you had pills that you can take?”
“I wasn’t in the right mind to take them.”
My gaze fell to his bandaged hand. “How’d you get that?”
He looked down and managed to take it out of my view. “An … accident,” he supplied.
“An accident from…”
“An accident,” he repeated, straightening suddenly as he walked toward me. His hands separated my thighs and he stepped between my legs, placing his hands on either side of me. I sucked in a breath at his sudden proximity. “I want to discuss something with you,” he said, eyes searching mine.
My throat went dry. “What?”
“I assume you are well aware that I am very straightforward, and I do not like being unclear with something this important to me.”
I felt a new brick in my walls come up. “Yeah?”
“Good,” he stated, ignoring the way my voice had sounded. “I have never been with any woman intimately more than once. You are aware that you’re an exception, yes?”
“Uh … I mean, it’s not a—it’s not a big deal.”
He frowned slightly. “It is. I have broken my rules and laws for you, I have gone back on my word, I have changed plans for you.”
I shrugged. “The pussy is good, you gotta admit.”
“Zahra.”
“Fine. I’m listening.”
“As I said, I do not like being unclear with something this important to me.” His throat worked, and his eyes fell to my mouth for a brief moment before looking back at me again.
My chest constricted.
“I would like to start a relationship with you,” he stated.
My lips parted, jaw hanging—I knew it was coming, I knew the kind of person he was, but I didn’t … Ah, fuck … This isn’t going to be pretty.
“You want…” I trailed off a bit, discomfort turning my stomach. “To … to date me…” I stated before adding “me” again, for clarification.
“Yes.”
“Wh—” I stopped. Breathing became a bit … not so flowy as I tried to grasp how the conversation had gone from manageable to this. “Elio—”
“This affair won’t continue if there is no title to tie it to, Zahra. I do not do affairs and secret rendezvous.”
“And I don’t do relationships; I have never done relationships, Elio.”
“It would be a first for me too.”
“Why would you want a relationship with me? What would you gain from it? I don’t understand why you would—”
“Because I like you, ver—a lot. And just yesterday, you said you returned my feelings, so … Two people with a connection like ours can either grow or dismiss it. I’m asking to grow it.”
I watched him for a moment, sighed, and shook my head. “I—This is—I’m not—”
“All I want is to title what we’re already doing; I am not asking for something new or something we’re not already doing, in case you misinterpreted.”
“I know what you’re talking about; it’s just—I can’t—There’s no easy way to put it—”
Something dimmed in his eyes as he pulled back slightly from me. “You’re rejecting me.”
“No.” I closed my eyes, opened them. “No … just, um, I mean, I don’t—I am not into labels and commitment and all of that serious shit.”
He drew away from me. “So you plan to be with other people while with me?”
I got down from the counter. “That’s not—” I swallowed. “I don’t know.”
He frowned in disappointment. “You don’t know? What—What do you mean, you don’t know?”
I was saying all the wrong fucking things.
“Elio, this is sudden, okay? I know you don’t do unlabeled things, but I’ve done unlabeled things all my life, and I can’t—I don’t know yet what I would be getting into if I said yes.”
There was silence after that.
He nodded slowly. “What you would be ‘getting into,’” he repeated under his breath as if he were digesting my words. I could see the gears turning in his head. “With me? Or in general?”
“In general.” My eyes took him in, because why would he even consider this with me? “Can we just … revisit this, at a later time? I need—I need time to think, okay? That’s all. Time to think about it.”
“I understand if you want to reject my proposal, Zahra,” he stated. “It is probably for the best that you reject it. That was forward of me.”
“No, it wasn’t. At all. This is very new territory for me, and I really like you, a lot. You’re everything I never thought I would ever have … in a way, if that makes sense, so I don’t want to give you an answer now when my mind is … not functioning properly.”
He nodded.
I sighed. “Hey,” I said, cupping the side of his face. I inched higher to kiss him before pulling away and searching his eyes. “I already clarified that I wanted this, and I won’t let a label thing ruin it. I just need to understand it. That’s all.”
“Hm.”
“Don’t fucking ‘hm’ me right now. Communicate with actual words.”
“I don’t know what to say,” he responded.
He had told me on the rooftop how all his meaningless encounters had only lasted the one time they happened. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I wasn’t a meaningless encounter; he showed me that last night—hell, he’d been showing me in a lot of ways.
I’ve known this man for months. I’ve hated and been irritated by him half the time. Even now, he still irritated me a bit, and he was not above a straight punch to the nose if he misbehaved, but—the only difference between then and now was that I understood the way that brain of his worked.
Right now, he was probably thinking he should have left things the way they were, but then again, even if he had left things the way they were, I already knew—he had told me when we were high out of our minds on that rooftop—how much he respects women, and the reasons he’d never been with anyone more than once.
I was an exception, and I knew him wanting to make things extra serious was a given, but I didn’t think it would feel so overwhelming, so scary to the point that I wouldn’t know what to do or say to avoid hurting his feelings or make him think I didn’t care enough. I did.
It wasn’t just the sex. But I needed time. At least to talk to Devil, clear things up, and tell him all that had been going on. Hell—I’d be willing to tell all of Street if necessary.
“I should go,” I said. “I’ll come by later after I think it through. You should try to get some rest.”
“Okay.”
I offered a smile, about to sidestep him, when I saw the two cats just by the entrance, watching us.
I looked back at him. “On second thought … Would you mind walking me back to your room to change into my own clothes and then to the door, please?”