Chapter Thirteen #3
toward something else. But you put your heart into everything, and that’s what
Christian’s done, too. He’s a gifted athlete, and right now, this is his
moment.” She pauses. “And it’s important that you’re there to support him.
Because you know he would do the same for you.”
When I don’t respond to that right away, she continues.
“That’s one of the things that’s been so impressive about
the two of you. The balance. You spend so much time apart because of your
careers, but you make it work. Everyone who knows you can see how you support
each other. I love that you’ve found someone who gets you. And clearly,
Christian does.”
Now, I’m speechless. The sigh that slips out is the kind
only a mom would notice.
“What’s going on, Ella?” I hear the concern in her voice,
and I’m not even sure how to put what I feel into words. There are things I
obviously wouldn’t and didn’t share with Tracy, but this is my mother.
Shouldn’t I be able to talk to her about how I feel without fear of judgment?
When she repeats my name, I know I have to say something.
“Lately, I’ve been feeling like…like I can’t keep that
balance. I’m trying so hard to hold it all together, but it’s like I’m walking
on a balance beam and keep falling off. Am I selfish for still trying to have
my acting career? Is that hindering our marriage?”
“Oh, sweetie, why would you even think that?”
Tears sting my eyes, and I huddle in a corner by the gate,
trying to hide. “Because I couldn’t wait to leave St. Louis and come to LA,” I
say miserably. “Easter was awful, I’m exhausted from trying to keep up with
Christian’s schedule and routines, and…and eating two dinners, and…”
“Wait, wait, wait…two dinners? Why on earth would you eat
two dinners?” I can tell she’s mildly amused and curious.
So, I explain the home-game schedules, and how I eat at the
stadium because it’s dinner time and I’m hungry, but then we get home, and I
make dinner for Christian because he’s hungry.
“I don’t want him to eat alone, and I feel weird having
something small after I’ve made him a complete dinner. Plus, with all the work
it takes to make the meals he specifically enjoys using only the brands he
explicitly eats, I’m not about to let any of it go to waste.”
“Hmm.”
“That’s it? Just…hmm?”
“I’m not exactly sure what you want me to say. We all have
our quirks, schedules, routines, and what have you. And while, yes, Christian’s
seem to require a little more work and understanding, they’re not so wild that
they’re ruining your life.” She pauses to laugh a little. “But I don’t think
this was really the issue you were talking about. You’re upset because you were
excited to leave St. Louis.”
“Yup.”
“To be fair, you were having your own personal crisis and
were trying not to burden your husband with it.”
“Exactly. He’s having such a great season that I don’t want
to bring him down or break his focus.”
“And I get that, but…you’re wrong.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re wrong, Ella. If you don’t tell Christian what is
going on and what you’re feeling, then you’re essentially lying to him. The man
is walking around thinking you guys are living a fairy tale, when the reality
is, you’re not. You’re miserable, and he has no idea.”
“Okay, but to be fair, he’s not making me
miserable. I love Christian more than I ever thought a person could love
someone. Our relationship is strong, but…”
“The careers are the issue.”
“Exactly. Am I crazy to even be entertaining the possibility
of taking on a role that has the potential to be long-term?”
“Don’t you think he deserves to know? Or have a say in it?”
“I do, but…just not right now. I need to figure this out on
my own. What if I talk to him and it stresses him out, and he starts playing
badly? That would totally be my fault, and I am not going to be the reason
Christian breaks his streak or goes into a slump. I need to be a supportive
wife and keep everything running smoothly for him.”
“Sunshine, you can have both,” she gently reminds me. “It
shouldn’t be that you’re only happy and supporting him when things are going
great for you. Marriage is twenty-four-seven. Not just on the good days, you
need to be all-in, even on the bad ones.”
“I am, but sometimes…it’s lonely. And…well, lately? It just
feels overwhelming. We were planning this amazing life, and so far, it’s been a
lot harder than I imagined.”
“Oh, darling, marriage is hard. And these hard times will
make the two of you stronger, as long as you lean on each other. When your
father and I moved to Florida, we had three kids under the age of four. Your
dad worked two jobs, and he was barely ever home. I was a young mother with a
newborn, two toddlers, and no help. I always felt overwhelmed and off balance,
but we made it through. You kids turned out pretty darn great, and your father
and I are still happily married. But we made it through because we’re a team.”
Wow, no one can drop a truth bomb like my mom.
“But not telling your husband how you feel is wrong. I get
that you don’t want to distract him because he’s in baseball mode, but just
like you’re having to learn how to be a wife to a baseball player, he needs to
learn how to be a husband to an actress. Again, marriage is twenty-four-seven.
It doesn’t have a season.”
Dang it. She’s right.
The announcement comes over the intercom that my flight is
boarding shortly, so I need to get ready.
“That’s the call for my flight, Mom. I love you. Thank you
for the advice and for listening to me.”
“Always, sweet girl. Always.”
“I love you.”
“Love you, too. Have a safe flight and give Christian our
best.”
“I will. I’ll text you when I land.”
“That’s my girl.”
We say our goodbyes, and then I’m standing, stretching, and
gathering up my stuff. I’m a pro at traveling now. I almost never have to check
a bag, and I carry only the necessities in my carry-on. Still, I’ve got my
snacks and magazines, and I’m good to go home.
Home.
I guess I’m starting to look at St. Louis as home.
Christian’s contract is for three years, and who knows where we’ll go from
there?
Suddenly, I realize I don’t know either. It hits me that I’m
almost afraid to think in terms of where I want us to be because it can all
change at a moment’s notice.
Will they extend his contract? Will he get traded somewhere
else? Do I have a preference?
Nope.
At least not one I’m allowing myself to entertain. There’s
no need for me to get my hopes up.
But no matter where the future takes us, I see myself with
Christian.
I just hope I find the right time and the courage to talk to
him about all the things I’m struggling with.