Chapter 34 Penny
Penny
NOW
The trees surrounding the prison parking lot are starting to morph together in a green and brown line. That’s how long I’ve been staring at them. Loblolly pine trees. Tall, strong, fast growing—all of the things I don’t feel right now.
My car is in park, but I haven’t moved my fingers from the black leather steering wheel.
It was so easy to say yes when they asked me to go see Danny yesterday.
It seemed too good, actually, like the stars were aligning in my favor for once.
I could go visit Danny and not raise the alarms for the “sudden” decision.
But on the drive here, I started to feel the weight of this decision weigh on me.
To distract myself, I had called Audrey, asking about her Christmas plans.
I listened to her recite her entire holiday menu, though I can’t tell you a single thing she’s making.
I just needed a familiar voice, one that’s far away, one from my other life. The life I have outside of Wilmington.
The one I can return to at the end of this week.
I didn’t mention being on my way to the prison to visit Danny. She knows I have an estranged brother, but she’s never pushed, never asked too many questions.
She certainly doesn’t know he’s been sitting in prison for ten years because the drugs he sold put his classmate in a coma. She doesn’t know that I’m on his call list, but have never accepted a call. Or that four years ago, the phone stopped ringing altogether.
She doesn’t know that Danny’s been sober for a long time. That’s what Fia told me, anyway. My Nan was so proud of him when he celebrated one year.
And no one knows that deep down, I’m proud of him, too.
It’s clouded by anger and hurt and confusion about a night I feel I never got answers to. I never planned to cut Danny from my life; it just happened, slowly, over time. It got easier to pretend that part of my life didn’t exist.
And now here I sit, twenty minutes early for visitation, my lungs burning with tightness, my eyes blurry. My first instinct is to turn this car on and slam on the gas, driving back to the house as quickly as I can.
I can’t do that, though.
My next instinct is to call Jesse.
I’m still angry with him right now. He continues to hurt me, and I continue to hurt him—but I know he’ll answer. Before I can dissect how shitty of a person this makes me, I dial his number.
It’s a California area code—something I’ll never get used to seeing.
“Penny?” His voice sounds on the other side as I rub my clammy palms against my jeans.
“Hey,” I respond shakily and wipe my eyes.
“What’s wrong, baby?”
There are dogs barking in the background, and I remember he was volunteering at the shelter this afternoon. “Shit, you’re busy, it’s okay, I’m okay.”
“No, you’re not.” His voice is calm and steady, like an anchor at sea. “Talk to me”
I’d do anything to climb into his arms right now.
“I don’t know if I can go in there.” I rest my heavy head against the steering wheel.
“Yes, you can. You can do this, Pen,” he replies, tone even.
I nod, sniffling. He sounds sure, but I’m not.
“What do I even say to him?”
Hi, remember me? Your sister. Sorry I haven’t seen you in ten years, I’ve been busy pretending you don’t exist.
“He’s your brother, you’ll know what to say. It might be shitty and uncomfortable at first, but he loves you. And I think you still love him.”
Jesse possesses a gene I don’t. An hour ago, I was storming out of the backyard, pissed at him for implying that he didn’t regret ruining us. I walked away, like I always do. Avoiding the truth.
The truth that this week would’ve been really hard without him. The truth that a piece of my heart does trust him, wants him, while the other part is too scared.
Scared that our love story was only meant to exist in a tiny bubble, way back when.
But I need him right now. He’s the only one who knows what I’m about to walk into. He’s the only one who knows what calms me. And he is here, ready to listen.
He’s the good one, not me.
“Okay,” I choke out, feeling my eyes already puffing up from crying. Luckily, I brought my makeup with me. I can’t walk in to see Danny after all this time, looking like this.
“You’re still sunshine, Penny.”
I shake my head because that’s absolutely a lie. I know the monster I’ve been this week, I know the sister I’ve neglected to be to Danny. To Fia.
“How can you even say that?” I groan.
“Because I know who you really are. Just be yourself. It’s going to be okay, I promise.”
My tears render me a speechless, blubbering mess, but I nod, making whimpering noises that sound like an injured animal. I really need to pull myself together.
“Fia and I will be waiting for you at home after.” His voice grounds me in my seat, and I close my eyes, soaking in the sound I have only heard in my head for years. “Take deep breaths.”
“Thank you… I’m going to go,” I reply softly and hang up. I pull down the sunshade, confirming what I was afraid of. I look like a hot mess.
Deep breaths.
I do what I can to look presentable and shove my possessions into the glove compartment.
Everything must stay out here except a manila folder that I called ahead about—the printed-out papers from my attorney about the deed.
I can’t legally get Danny to sign them today, but I can show him the document, explain it all, and set up a date with the attorney for the finalization. I can e-sign from Raleigh.
The smell of rain hangs in the air as heavy clouds block the afternoon sun, so I speed walk to the entrance of the low brick building.
I tell myself this is for my family; a fresh start for them, closure for me. Selling the house, facing Danny…it should feel right. But my gut twists, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m walking blindfolded into a storm.