Chapter 33 Jesse
Jesse
NOW
The black coffee’s gone cold again as I stare at the gray clouds outside. It's the third reheat, which Penny always said was foul—but she’s never tasted prison coffee. I’ll take this organic roast, microwave reheated and all, any day.
Cold coffee isn’t my problem; my focus is—or lack thereof. Nothing holds my concentration. Not the mug wrapped too tightly between my hands, not the emails from work that I should’ve replied to a day ago.
Fuck, I’ve managed to waste a whole morning doing absolutely nothing. And the morning slid right into the afternoon, in a house that’s still and quiet. Too fucking still.
I almost miss when everyone was on edge, because now it’s just polite words and a lot left unsaid. I feel like I’m going insane.
My foot taps the wood floor obsessively as I glance toward the front door. The girls took Tank for a walk. They invited me, but I declined. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I have no self-control left.
I’m living on a prayer that I can gain Penny’s coveted trust again, and yet the trust for myself has run dry.
I can’t imagine anything more torturous than walking beside her and not touching her.
Not holding her hand or bringing her knuckles to my lips.
The way her skin stuck to mine as we lay somewhere between sleep and awake, it’s all that’s looping in my mind.
I can’t stop seeing her vixen smirk when she showed up in my doorway, risking it all, knowing that whatever she asked me to do, I would say yes to.
I’ve always been defenseless against her.
Now that I’ve had her, I can’t pretend I haven’t. But that’s not my choice.
The dining chair scrapes the floor, and I’m up.
An idle man is a dangerous one, and I’m right on the edge of losing control. I don’t know what her long game is, but I went ten years without her, and the idea of going ten more is fucking terrifying.
But I know that’s not what’s on her mind right now. She’s made it clear. It’s complicated, she says.
Penny’s a planner, a fixer, and right now, fixing us is too big a task to take on amidst everything else she feels she has to fix.
The door slams behind me as I grab the ax in the backyard. Something I’ve done all week when I feel like I’m on the verge of losing my shit. Picking up the ax, I swing it until the dead tree that’s been lying in the yard is cut up into enough wood for every fireplace on this street.
The funny thing is, my friend in LA texted me last night, asking how I’m adjusting “out there in the boonies.” I just laughed, because the Jesse I was in LA isn’t the one I am here.
I don’t miss California, because everything I missed is here.
So close I can almost reach it. And yet, it still feels just out of grasp.
Like it’s still not mine to have.
Whack.
I carry a heavy load of split wood inside and stoke the fire. The flames flicker and crack, the heat kissing my hands.
The time flashes on my phone, reminding me that in a few hours, Penny’s finally going to see her twin brother.
I know what Danny means to Penny, or once meant to her. That kind of sibling love might dim, but I don’t know if it ever disappears. Below the stubborn anger and fortress she’s surrounded herself with, she’s drowning in hurt she doesn’t let anyone see.
But I see it. I see all of her.
My gut twists, and I drag the mesh screen across the opening. It’s not like I’m not happy that they will be seeing each other, but selfishly, I’m terrified. She might not come back as the same person.
Danny might be my oldest friend, a brother to me, but Penny is the love of my life.
She always has been, and I would do anything to protect her.
Everything about today has the potential to hurt her.
The potential to reopen every scar she’s tried to bury.
I can’t promise her it won’t, but I can promise this: when she walks back through that door this evening, I’ll be here.
It’s a promise I broke once, without meaning to.
She might still be waiting for me to vanish.
But I’m not going anywhere.
My eyes shutter closed, the growing flames licking me in warmth. Releasing a slow breath from deep in my lungs, I stand, slipping on my leather boots and grabbing a jacket. The front porch is quiet, the city has slowed down with Christmas three days away.
I thought the fresh air and change of scenery might release tension from my shoulders, but it doesn’t.
Then I hear her laugh, and it’s genuine.
That soft, effortless sound that hits me right in the ribs.
I turn my head toward it instinctively, my muscles melting when I see her rounding the corner at the end of the block in her bubblegum-pink jacket, cheeks flushed from the cold.
Fia walks beside her, small round belly in a cream coat, one hand holding the leash as Tank trots happily beside them.
They’re talking, laughing, lost in their world, and for a moment, all I do is stand there, committing it to memory.
Penny opens the little iron gate in front of the house. Her gaze catches mine as she closes the gap, walking up the steps toward me. There’s something sly and knowing in those eyes.
“You guys want to grab brunch in town before Penny has to leave?” Fia calls out, unclipping Tank’s leash before slipping him a treat from her pocket.
I nod without hesitation. “You two pick—I’ll buy.”
Penny pauses beside me, studying my face, eyebrows knitting like she can see all the things I’ve been thinking about while she was gone.
“You don’t need to do that,” she replies.
“I know.” I shrug, turning to push open the front door for her. “But I want to.”
“I’m exhausted, I’m going to take a nap.”
Penny turns to her sister, concern creasing her face. “You sure? You barely ate anything?”
Fia shakes her head and gives a tiny smile. “I’m fine.” She kicks off her tennis shoes in the foyer and waves her sister off. “This eggplant-sized baby is calling the shots. And right now, she wants to lie in bed and watch Bridgerton.”
Fia trudges up the steps, leaving Penny and me alone in the kitchen.
She tosses her leftovers in the refrigerator, and I whistle for Tank.
The afternoon sun is peeking through the white lace curtains above the kitchen sink, and we both stand without taking off our jackets.
Penny leans back on the counter, her arms crossed over her chest, eyes darting around the space like she is trying to figure out what’s next.
The sound of Tank’s paws on the floor draws my attention down the hall. He waddles up next to me, letting out a loud yawn, stretching his legs out in front of him.
“I’m going to take him out.” I don’t know why I tell her this. Maybe I’m desperate for the conversation between us not to end.
Penny nods but doesn’t move, so I follow Tank into the yard as he sniffs.
A tiny smile tugs at my mouth as I stand with my back to the house and hear the back door creak open. Penny appears next to me, her blonde hair curled around her shoulders, looking beautiful. She always does.
At brunch, all I could think about was how badly I wanted her all to myself, just us on a date. But I’m beginning to wonder if that’s just selfish.
Maybe I’m meant to have a taste but never the whole thing.
Maybe that’s karma for breaking her heart.
“Thanks again for lunch.” She breaks my spiraling thoughts and smiles up at me.
“Don’t mention it.”
Tank shoves his nose in the bundle of logs leaning on the shed, but something startles him and he jolts. He glances sideways at me, stiff-bodied, waiting for permission.
“Go on, boy!” I holler, and he leaps into action, running in circles like a Tasmanian devil.
“We only had parks in LA, and I think he’s still in disbelief about this yard,” I tell Penny, but she’s doubled over, laughing.
Her eyes are pinched shut as she clutches her stomach, watching my dog put on a show. He does an insane parkour move off the back steps, leaping through the yard, darting around like something invisible is chasing him.
My smile spreads.
“What the hell is happening?” Penny asks, trying to catch her breath.
“Zoomies?” I chuckle, gazing down at Pen. “You've never seen a dog do this?”
Penny shakes her head. “Not like this!”
Tank stops a moment later, catching his breath, his thick muscular chest heaving.
“Now he’ll be ready to go inside and conk out on the edge of Fia’s bed like he just got off a twelve-hour factory shift,” I say, and Penny’s just staring at me. The winter sun casts a soft light over her face.
A face I’ve dreamt about looking at in person for so long.
A face I’ve had to see on social media over the last ten years, hating myself for even looking.
“Why do dogs do that?” she asks innocently, snapping me back to the moment.
I run a hand through my hair, chuckling. “Uhm… It’s their way of showing joy, I guess. They run around in bursts when they’re excited and feel safe.”
Penny bites her lips. “Huh.” Her amber eyes lock on mine as I nod toward Tank.
“That’s why I love working with them. They don’t hold grudges. Even the dogs who were completely let down by people know when they’re with someone safe.”
Tank walks over to me, leaning on my legs as I squat down to scratch his ears. He closes his eyes, pointing his snout toward the sunlight.
“It took some time for me to convince him I wasn’t going to hurt him. But then I became his safe person. He trusts me.”
Penny shoves her hands in her pockets. “You’ve always had that effect, you know.”
I crinkle my eyebrows at her.
“You become people’s safety, Jesse,” she says.
Those words squeeze the air from my lungs. “Oh.”
She rocks back and forth, sucking her lips in before her words burst from her, straight at me. “So…when were you going to tell me that you and Danny were buddies again?”
I nod slowly, kinda shocked it took her this long to ask. “To be honest, I didn’t think you’d be interested in knowing that.”
“What? That everyone has forgiven and forgotten around here but me?” Her tone is sharp, but there’s an undercurrent there.
“Penny, no one has forgotten, I promise you that.” I stand back up, facing her.
“Promises don’t mean much.”
Ouch.
“Do you ever think about what life would be like if you didn’t go out that night?” Penny asks, voice soft again.
All the fucking time.
But I shake my head. “I’ve thought about it, but I try not to live with regrets.”
As soon as the words leave my lips, I wish they hadn’t. She cocks her head back, and the walls I was slowly chipping away at rise back up.
“Wow. Okay…got it.”
I reach out to touch her arm, to pull her into me, but she’s already taken a step back, out of my reach. She quickly walks to the back door.
“Come on, that’s not how I meant it, Pen. You know that night was complicated…”
She turns her head around to look at me, eyes cold. “I need to get on the road. Wouldn’t want to keep my brother waiting.”