Chapter Twenty-Two
Millie
“You’re up early.”
I jump at the sound of her voice, letting out a little yelp of surprise. My hand goes to my chest to press against it. Dang, this can’t be good for my heart.
“I didn’t mean to startle you.” Mom’s eyebrows pull together with worry. “You okay?” she asks as she comes around the sofa and sits next to me.
I’m sure I have dark circles under my eyes from pulling an unwanted all-nighter. “Yeah, just tired.”
Her lips pucker before she says, “Your father mentioned something about a nightmare last night, but I didn’t quite catch all the details.”
That’s probably because she was sleeping like a normal person would be. I still haven’t figured out if what I heard was actually real or just a figment of my very tired and overactive imagination. I decide to go with the former for both of our sakes. “Yeah, it was just a crazy nightmare.”
Her lips pucker with concern and she reaches out and rubs her hand over mine. “What was it about?”
I swallow thickly. I don’t want to lie, but I also don’t want to give voice to whatever the hell that was last night. Vague is probably what’s best. “I just thought I heard something.”
Her head tilts to the side as she studies me. I feel a light tingle that starts at the base of my spine, just like last night. Suddenly, I stand up from the couch, the throw blanket that was across my legs drops to the floor.
Mom straightens on the couch. “What is it, what’s wrong?”
I can’t think, I can barely breathe. I shake my head tightly, just a minuscule movement as I walk stiff-legged towards the kitchen.
Just as the tingling starts to travel up my spine, I feel a cold sensation move across my body which stops me in my tracks.
Every hair on my body rises simultaneously.
The tingling has intensified and is running up and down my spine like a live wire, freezing me in place and holding me captive.
“Millie!”
I let out a loud sigh of relief that it’s my mom’s voice instead of who I heard last night.
“What’s going on? Is it your heart?”
Her panic is enough to snap me out of the weird trance.
At first I reach for my heart, placing my hand right on my chest above it.
I feel the steady beat for one second, two seconds, then my hand is flying to my neck, instantly finding the spot that brings me so much peace and comfort.
I close my eyes and count those beats too.
“Baby, are you okay?”
I realize I haven’t answered her, and I know she’s got to be freaking out. “I’m okay. I don’t know what happened. I just feel—weird.” That’s the best adjective I can come up with, as lame as it is.
She comes up to me and wraps her hands around my face, scanning it slowly for any cracks in the thin armor I’m trying to put up.
“We should call Dr. Richards, schedule a checkup.”
I shake my head, “No, no I’m fine. I promise.” Part of me is resisting because I don’t want to face the possibility that something might be wrong and the other part begging for some kind of explanation.
“Just to be safe. Your six-month follow-up is coming up soon anyway. Two birds, one stone, right?” She still hasn’t let go of my face, but I don’t mind.
I’m soaking up every bit of comfort she provides because my heart is still racing.
Thankfully the tingling has stopped and the cold chill disappeared just as quickly as it appeared.
Maybe she’s right. It wouldn’t hurt to check everything out and make sure my labs aren’t abnormal or anything like that. Maybe I have a vitamin deficiency or something.
Vitamin deficiencies don’t make you hear things that aren’t there, Millie. I tell my pesky subconscious to shut the hell up because I’m willing to entertain any other possibility running through my head right now instead of the one that’s been playing on slow repeat since I first heard that voice.
The one that says the other night while I was driving, the episode in the ice cream shop, my dreams that feel so real but aren’t my memories, and the voice are all connected somehow.
And that somehow has something to do with my heart.
“Sure, okay. Maybe he has something available this week.”
Her smile shows her instant relief at my acceptance. “Good, that’s great. I’ll call them this morning.” She leans forward and places a soft kiss on my forehead just like Dad did last night.
It isn’t until I’m back in my room after breakfast that I realize I never turned my phone back on from last night. When I turn it on, I’m overwhelmed with a barrage of text messages. All from one handsome but broody hockey player.
Rowan: I’m sorry.
Rowan: Like really sorry. I shouldn’t have questioned you like that.
Rowan: It wasn’t my place and I feel terrible.
Rowan: Can you forgive me?
Rowan: I promise it won’t happen again….
Rowan: Daredevil? You there?
Rowan: I can understand if you’re mad and need some space.
Rowan: Please just let me know if you got home okay…
Rowan: Millie, seriously. I’m starting to worry here.
Rowan: Beau the dumbass says he dropped you at your door with no issues.
Rowan: Can you text me back just to let me know you’re okay? I don’t wanna be that guy that just randomly shows up, but I will because I’m that worried.
Rowan: I would hate to piss you off even more.
Just as I go to respond, another text comes through.
Rowan: Millie, please. Just tell me you’re okay and I promise I’ll leave you alone.
I never meant to make him worry. I completely forgot to turn my phone back on after everything that happened last night.
Me: I’m okay.
His reply is instant.
Rowan: Oh, thank fuck. I was really about to end up on your doorstep and beg for forgiveness, which I might still, you know why?
My smile is small but definitely there.
Me: Why?
Rowan: because I’ve just recently found out how much it sucks to have Millie St. James mad at me.
Rowan: like super super sucks and I’m so damn sorry.
My lip wobbles and my eyes water. I didn’t know how much I really needed to hear that from him until this moment.
Me: It’s okay and I’m sorry for running off. I should have stayed and talked it out.
I feel so out of my element with him. I know we’re just friends, but I can’t help but feel relief that he cares enough to apologize.
Rowan: Can I call you?
I nibble my lip for a split second, contemplating his request before quickly giving in and responding.
Me: Yes.
It’s not a millisecond later when my phone is buzzing in my hand.
A picture I secretly took of him at the hockey game he took me to lights up the screen.
His gorgeous profile, staring intently at the ice in front of us.
His love for the game shines through the picture.
As soon as I snapped it, I knew it was going to be one of my favorite pictures.
“Hello?” I don’t know why I’m nervous all of a sudden. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel as sure-footed with him as I did before. Which is saying a lot because before I felt like a baby taking her first steps.
“Hey, Daredevil.” The relief I hear in his voice is palpable.
“Hey—” I don’t know what to say, and that makes me sad because I’ve never felt that way with him before.
He blows out a heavy breath before saying, “I’m sorry. Truly. I overreacted and caused a scene, which I know you hate because you don’t want to be the center of attention. I just— Millie—” Now his words seem to be stuck. “I just don’t want to lose you as a friend.”
I close my eyes. The word friend sends a sharp pang of regret and sorrow through my heart. But I know it’s for the best.
“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. It was just kind of a trigger for me, you know? For my entire life people have told me what I can and can’t do. I know you were just looking out for me and I appreciate that, but I don’t need you to.”
This conversation is harder than I thought it would be. I find myself choking up, frustrated with myself and with him, but I know it’s a conversation we need to have.
“I know that now. And I promise to try to never do it again, but I can’t say I’ll be successful every time.
Daredevil, I need you to know that if I ever cross the line again, I’m only doing it with the best intentions at heart.
” His voice deepens and that sends a delicious but unwanted wave of warmth through my core. “I care about you.”
I have to find a way to safely put Rowan Pierce in the friend category and leave him there.
“I want us to be friends,” I blurt, feeling self-conscious, but I need to be clear with my intentions.
He chuckles, his tone soft with a hint of that gravelly tone that I love so much. “I want that too.”
“Just friends,” I clarify, slamming my eyes shut from how stupid I feel, but this is a necessary evil. I need to say it out loud for my own sanity.
He goes quiet for so long that I pull the phone away from my ear to make sure we didn’t get disconnected. He finally replies, “Okay, just friends.”
Is that disappointment that I hear? I shake my head because that can’t be right; he’s the one that’s pushed the friendship narrative from the beginning.
Before I can think too much of it, he says, “Friends can go salsa dancing, right?”
I smile because with everything that’s happened in the past twenty-four hours, I’ve completely forgotten about our salsa dancing conversation.
“I guess so? Do you think it’d be weird?”
His answer is instant and firm. “No.”
I laugh, “Does that mean you want to go with me?”
He blows out a playful sigh of relief. “I thought you would never ask, Daredevil.”
I go over and sit on my bed, lying back and staring at the ceiling as I tuck the phone between my cheek and shoulder. “I’ll have to look for—”
“I already found a place and guess what?” He’s so excited.
“What?” I smile into the phone, finally feeling settled for the first time since before our conversation last night.
“It’s a six-week course and the first lesson starts tonight.”
“Tonight?” My eyebrows shoot up my forehead in surprise.
“What are the odds, huh? Wanna go?”
I hesitate because I do want to go, but is that the best decision? Salsa dancing with a six-foot-one hunk of a man is not going to help me with my unrequited crush. But I just told him I want to be friends.
“Come on, Daredevil. I know you want to,” he teases.
“I do want to. I just don’t know if it’s a smart thing to do,” I answer, honestly.
“You don’t trust me?”
He actually sounds a little hurt and offended, and I scramble to explain. “No, it’s not that. I don’t trust myself, Rowan. I’m worried that right now I need space to clear my head, but I don’t want to do that.”
“Then don’t.”