Chapter Twenty-Three
Rowan
“It’s not that simple.” The plea in her voice has my heart squeezing uncomfortably.
“It’s only complicated if you make it that way. Look, I know I screwed up and I’m so damn sorry. You said you wanted to be friends. So let’s be friends. No pressure, no expectations.” Now I’m the one making the plea.
She’s quiet for so long. I hold my breath and it feels like my heart stops along with it.
It’s not until her barely audible okay that I finally take a breath, and my heart rate returns to a normal beat.
“Okay.”
“I’ll meet you there tonight. Send me the deets, please.”
I won’t lie and say I’m not disappointed at the realization that she probably doesn’t want to ride with me, but I don’t let it discourage me. She agreed, which is the important part, because I don’t want a life without her in it.
“Okay. See you there, and Millie?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“Thank me for what?”
“Just thank you.” I don’t want to make this weird, and I probably already have.
She laughs before saying, “Okay, Rowan Pierce. I guess if we’re handing out expressions of gratitude, I owe you one as well.”
“You don’t—” I start to tell her she doesn’t owe me anything, but she interrupts me.
“Can we just say thank you to one another and it not be weird?”
I laugh because that’s exactly what I wanted to do, but I was the one to go and make it all weird. “Noted, no weirdness.”
“Perfect. I’ll see you tonight?” she asks timidly.
“I’ll be there with my dancing shoes on.”
She giggles, “Oh, I can’t wait to see that. Bye, Rowan.”
“Bye, Millie.”
I hang up the phone and blow out a breath.
That went better than I expected, but it still feels like I have a hard rock sitting in my stomach.
It has been ever since I watched her walk away yesterday at the party and only grew heavier when I finally got my ass in gear and went after her, only to find her getting in the car with Beau.
That’s when I realized how bad I had really fucked up. She was running away from me because I had hurt her, unintentionally of course, but the outcome was the same no matter my intentions.
After watching them pull away, I got in my own car and started to go home, only to remember I downed three shots in close proximity. I had no business driving until I sobered up, so I turned the car off and sat with my thoughts.
And it wasn’t pretty.
I didn’t like how I felt, and I sure as hell didn’t like the guilt that was eating me up. Guilt for not going after her, but even more guilt for letting her think that I wanted to control her. That was the furthest from the truth.
I wanted her safe and healthy and here with me. But I fucked it all up by not trusting her to know what’s best for her and her body, and not giving her the benefit of the doubt.
A mistake I won’t make again, because I really don’t like her mad at me. I loathe it actually.
I look at the clock and realize I’ve got a few hours to kill before I can meet her for the salsa dance class. A class I spent the better part of an hour trying to find, and when I did, it felt like I hit the jackpot.
Now, more than ever, I want to be the one to do that bucket list with her. At first I didn’t understand her obsession with it, but now? Now it makes perfect sense.
I shuffle out of my room and head towards the kitchen. Maybe Luka’s here and we can hang out for a bit before I leave to meet Millie.
When I get to the kitchen I don’t see him; the living room’s clear as well, which means he’s probably with Lily. He very rarely ever hangs out in his room by himself, but it’s worth checking.
His door’s closed, so I give a quick warning knock before twisting the knob and swinging the door open.
“What the hell, dude?” Luka sits up from the bed in surprise. He’s shirtless and his hair is disheveled like he was napping.
My eyebrows rise in shock. “I honestly didn’t think you’d be here. My bad, dude.”
“Where would I be? We don’t have practice, and Lily’s working.”
That’s right; Sundays are our rare days off, and Lily likes to pick up a shift at the coffee shop just down the road on Sunday afternoons because that’s what works best with her school schedule. Then they like to have a date night Sunday evening, without fail.
It’s kind of cute when you think about it. For the first time ever, I’m a little jealous when I think about what it would be like to have a regular girl and weekly date nights.
Fuck.
But not just any girl. No, there’s only one girl on my mind, and I’ve sworn we’re just friends until I’m blue in the face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I answer, stubbornly.
He scrubs his hand down his face and throws his legs off the side of the bed, quickly standing and throwing on pajama pants. Then he walks past me and towards the kitchen. “Then why do you look like someone just pissed in your Cheerios?”
I follow after him. He goes to the cabinets and grabs two glass cups before setting them down on the island and going to the fridge. “You want juice, or Lily made this new protein shake for me that’s pretty good.”
I sit on the barstool at the island and say, “Protein shake, please.”
He quickly grabs it and pours it into the two cups in front of us, sliding one over to me.
“Now, what's really up?”
I take a sip, just trying to pull my thoughts together, something I find myself doing a lot of lately. “I don’t know. I screwed up.”
“With Millie?”
“Yeah.”
He tilts his head and watches me. “How so?”
This is the part I’m unsure about. I don’t want to break Millie’s confidence in me, and it’s her story to tell, but I need to talk this out with someone. Especially before tonight because I need my head on straight so I don’t screw this up again.
She said she forgives me, but I still have a sinking feeling in my gut that a bit of the trust that we were building is gone, and I’m not sure if I can earn it back.
“She told me something—pretty personal—and I—”
“You what?”
I swallow, my saliva thick with regret. “I kind of threw it back in her face.” His eyebrows raise sharply, and I quickly add, “Not intentionally or with any kind of malice. It just—it just came out, and now I don’t think she trusts me.”
He grabs his cup and starts walking towards the living room that’s just off the kitchen. I swivel around in the chair. “You aren’t going to say anything?” I ask in disbelief. I mean, I really expected him to have some solid advice for me.
“I’m thinking.”
Oh! I hop off the chair and follow after him. “That bad?”
“I don’t know. How mad was she at you?” he asks as he sits down on the sofa. I take the chair next to the sofa.
“Mad enough to leave the party with Beau.”
That has his head snapping up to mine. “Damn, bro. Have you talked to her since?”
“Yeah, and she agreed to hang out tonight.” Probably only because I enticed her with an item on her bucket list, but what matters is she still agreed.
“That’s a good sign.”
“I know, but I can’t shake this feeling.”
His face grows serious. I know he has some experience with that kind of thing. “What kind of feeling?”
I shake my head because I’m having trouble describing it. “I don’t know. Like something’s wrong—”
His eyes snap to mine. “You think Millie’s in danger?” Luka has some PTSD from Lily’s accident just like I do, but his is worse in some ways. I’m not surprised his head is going to worst-case scenario.
I blow out a heavy breath. “I really don’t know, man. It could just be from her being mad at me and maybe my subconscious doesn’t believe she’s forgiven me. Or it could be something else entirely. That’s the problem, I just don’t freaking know.”
“Hopefully tonight gives you some clarity.”
That’s what I’m hoping too, but I’m also worried it won’t. “And if it doesn’t?”
“Then you keep searching until you figure out what it is. If Lily, Stella, and Wyatt’s situations have taught us anything, it’s to listen to our guts. It’s screaming at you for a reason, Rowan. You just have to listen to it.”
I’ve never experienced anything like this before, which is why I’m hoping it’s just my guilty conscience and nothing more. “What if I can’t figure out what it’s telling me?”
He reaches over and slaps his hand on top of my shoulder, squeezing it tightly for just a second before releasing it. “You will, brother. When the time is right, you’ll know.”
I really hope he’s right, because this rock sitting in my stomach is only growing heavier.
“Let me know how tonight goes?”
I nod my head in confirmation. “Will do. Have fun with Lily, brother.”
He looks up at the clock and must realize it’s time to pick Lily up from the coffee shop. He hops up from the couch and hurries towards his room. “And hey, Rowan?”
I turn around and look at him, “Yeah?”
“Trust your gut. It hasn’t led you astray yet.”
“Thanks, man.” The problem is I have no idea what it’s telling me.
I wring my hands together and pop up on my toes, moving my legs up and down in a warmup move I usually save for the ice. My nerves are high, just like before a big game.
My feet drop down to the ground and I pull my phone out of my pocket to check the time. Class starts in two minutes, and she’s still not here.
“Mr. Pierce, if you need a partner just let me know and I can see what we can do.”
I look over at the kind, older woman, who’s probably been salsa dancing since she was old enough to walk, and smile. “That won’t be necessary, she should be here any minute.” At least I hope.
I’ve never been stood up, but this is feeling suspiciously close to that. Just as I look at my phone again, debating if it would be completely pathetic to call her, I feel a hand wrap around my forearm.
I look up to find a frazzled but breathtakingly beautiful Millie St. James.
“I’m so sorry I’m late.”
“Are you okay?” Her eyes are wide and she’s breathless, like she ran all the way here.
Her smile is a little sad when she says, “I’m better now.”
“What happened?”
Her eyes dart to the side, her face pinched in distress. I reach for her, unable to hold myself back. “Daredevil? What’s wrong?”
She closes her eyes; when she opens them, the sadness from moments before has cleared.
“Nothing’s wrong. I was just stressed from running late.
I’m excited to dance.” She looks over to where the instructor has already started lining couples up to start.
“Let’s go.” Her voice lifts, any remnant of worry gone.
I smile because I’m so damn relieved that she’s here, that she didn’t stand me up, but in the pit of my stomach something stirs. As she starts pulling me towards the other couples, I try to let the feeling go, promising myself I’ll ask her about it later.
She’s giddy with excitement and anticipation that would be contagious if I wasn’t so worried about not making a complete fool of myself and giving it away that I really have two left feet and no sense of rhythm.
“You ready?” she whispers just loud enough for me to hear.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
She looks down at my shoes, a pair of black dress shoes that I usually wear on away games with the team because coach says to be successful you have to dress for success.
Corny, I know, but I find there’s truth to it.
I find myself feeling more confident, standing a little taller on the days I’m all decked out in my Sunday best.
Her eyes skate up my legs, taking in my dress pants. All the way up, past my button-down shirt, and they land squarely on the tie I picked out just for her. It’s a plaid tie with hints of brown and gold honey. Colors that remind me of her eyes.
Her gaze finally lands on mine. A smile plays on her lips. “Looks like you brought out the big guns.”
“Told you I had fancy dancing shoes.”
“I thought you were lying.”
I chuckle at her bluntness, an attribute I greatly admire. “I would never lie to you.”
She raises one eyebrow, studying me intently. I hold her gaze, letting my sincerity bleed through. Her gaze softens. “You look very handsome.”
Her compliment catches me off guard in the most delicious way. “Thank you.” Now it’s my turn to let my gaze fully take her in. I didn’t have a chance earlier, my mind too preoccupied with her nervous energy.
She’s wearing a flowing skirt that stops just below her knees.
My eyes trail down to find her in a pair of sexy-as-hell high heels.
I don’t know how I missed it before, but now that I see her calves on full display, I’m positive I won’t be able to tear my eyes away from them for the rest of the night.
I hear her giggle, but I’m still transfixed.
“My eyes are up here,” she teases.
“I know.” I can’t help it; no matter how hard I try, I can’t get my eyeballs to move. It isn’t until I feel a soft caress under my chin, gently pushing upwards, that my eyes finally leave her sexy-as-hell legs.
“Friends, remember?”
Her question has me doing a slow blink, like the cogwheels in my brain need a minute to start rotating again.
Friends? The thoughts I’m having about this woman right now have no place in the friends category.
No, they are downright dirty and only belong in the I want to fuck your brains out category, but slowly those cogs start spinning and I remember where we are and the conversation we just had.
Friends. I’m starting to loathe that word, and it’s all my own doing. This is what I asked for, and apparently the universe has decided to grant my wish. Fuck me.
I clear my throat and realize we’ve missed the whole introduction to the class and the instructor is already onto the first step.
I reach my hand out and Millie clasps mine just like the instructor is showing us. Then I wrap my other hand around her waist. My hands are suddenly clammy and nerves erupt in my stomach.
Here goes nothing.