Chapter 5
FIVE
Twisting and turning my nose from one side to the other, I tried to break through the dryness and discomfort I was beginning to feel.
The vent was almost directly above my head, pushing out heated air to keep my home warm.
The large, floor-to-ceiling windows that allowed me to overlook the city of Channing that was beneath The Hills and beyond made sure that my home reflected the weather if there wasn’t any interference.
In the summer months, my home would be so hot that the floors would sweat if AC wasn’t involved.
In the fall and winter months, it would be too cold inside for anyone to function properly if the heating system wasn’t involved.
Though I was thankful for both, they easily dried my nostrils to a crisp sometimes, waking me from my sleep after experiencing too much discomfort. This time, it was more of the same.
“Shit,” I fussed, lifting straight up from my pillow and covering one nostril as I pushed mucus through the other to rewet it.
Once my head and nose were both feeling a bit better, I rested my hands on my knees knowing that there would be no more sleep for me. The sun’s light radiated through the windows but did nothing to keep anyone or anything warm. For the most part, it was useless.
The clock on the other side of the room read 10:00 a.m. I couldn’t remember sleeping so later. Ever. Not even before my time in the joint. Nevertheless, I stretched my limbs and granted myself grace as I stood and headed for the shower.
I adjusted the temperature of the water before I started it by hiking it up a few notches. This morning, I wanted to feel the burn. Though I’d been released a day prior, today was officially my fresh start. Prepared was an understatement.
Unclothed and ready to step into the steam that came from behind the glass doors, I took a good look at myself in the mirror.
With a shake of my head, I glared at the rustiness of my skin.
It hadn’t come from lack of moisture or extreme dryness.
I dropped my head to get a closer look at her residue still clinging to my dick like she was clinging to my heart.
Lyric. It didn’t matter what she’d said to me hours prior.
I knew deep, deep down inside that this thing between us didn’t end here – with me washing away remnants of her in the shower.
It couldn’t. I wouldn’t allow it but if she needed time to play around with ole boy to figure that out then I’d allow it.
The steamy water cascaded down my body as I placed both hands on the shower’s wall and bowed my head. There was one person I wanted to talk to more than ever at the moment. It didn’t matter how old I got, I’d never steer from their guidance, love, and understanding.
“Dear God, it’s me,” I began my prayer, “humbly before you, thanking you for my freedom and my emancipation. Because of you, I stand in my shower a free man. One that is no longer bound or limited by the system’s beliefs of what he can or should be doing.
For that, I’m forever grateful. I come to you today with an open mind and open heart, asking you again to forgive me for my sins, those of my closest friends, those of my father, those of my brother, and those of the people that I love most.
“Lead us, guide us, protect us, and continue loving us dear God for we are only human. As I stand here in need of your forgiveness, I’m also asking for your blessing God and your assistance.
Dear God, I’m asking for you to light my path to Lyric’s heart and hers to mine.
Our hearts, may they beat rhythmically and in sync.
I don’t want to spend my days without her as I don’t want to spend my days without you.
“Bring her home to me, mind, body, heart, and soul and I promise to never deter from the path that you create for us to walk together. Equip me with the strength and the ability to love her properly and be everything her heart desires. Equip me with the patience and discipline to wait for her while she sorts things out in her heart and head. She’s confused.
Give her the understanding she needs. Fill her with the knowledge and understanding she seeks.
Help her to understand that she isn’t choosing between me and her brothers.
Help her to understand that I’m the better choice. Shit, I’m the only choice for her.”
“We need each other. Today, tomorrow, next week, and every year after this one. Let her know that I got her. Always. Bless her. Bless me. Bless us. Amen.”
My grandmother had us in the hallways faithfully every morning, my cousins and I, praying to the Lord.
Not only did we confess our sins and ask for forgiveness, but we were encouraged to speak about the blessings we were expecting to receive.
Mine was always the same. I wanted my mother, the healthy and clean version of her.
I wanted her then and sometimes, I still wanted her.
But the ideal of having her in my world got a little vague each year and didn’t bother me as much now.
Out of sight, out of mind. That’s how I played that.
Feeling the heavy burden I’d been carrying since around five lifted from my shoulders, I opened my eyes and pulled my hands down my face to clear the water. It reappeared the second they dropped. I grabbed a fresh towel from the rack and placed it underneath the dispenser for some body wash.
Once there were two pumps in my palm, on top of the towel, I scrubbed it back and forth in between both hands until I was satisfied with the suds.
I combed through the small selection of songs that I fucked with heavily but nothing stood out over the other.
So, instead of going back and forth, hurting my head to make a choice, I called on Alexa for assistance.
“Alexa,” I yelled, “play something I’d love.”
“Playing Pulling Up by Meek Mill featuring The Weekend,” she responded, bringing a smile to my face.
The irony of her choice was comical. Kissing the skin of my teeth, I began to wash my body from head to toe.
Alexa was on the same shit I was on and all of that patience that I’d just asked God for was unnecessary now because I knew that when I was ready, it didn’t matter who she was with or where she was, I was pulling up on her.
Maybe that’s the nigga telling me not to wait. Pull down on her. Patience must not be the answer he wants me to have ‘cause why play this shit? Finally, he’s on the type of time I’m on. Him and Alexa, I thought, scrubbing my nutsack.
The thought of her with the next nigga pissed me off, causing me to scrub faster and harder.
I’m shooting up her club every chance I get, I confessed.
If she didn’t want to tell her brothers right now, I could respect it but sooner or later when her belly bulged from those tiny shirts she liked to wear, there wouldn’t be any more concealing.
We could openly and freely love one another which was all I wanted.
It caused for desperate measures, but I could live with myself for taking them.
It was either that or play the background as long as she wanted me to.
I couldn’t. Not only was I not interested, but my loyalty when it came to the Eisenbergs ran deep.
The Trackhawk roared as I added to the mileage with one destination in mind.
Dooley. I’d been out a full twenty-four hours and it was time to see the woman that I’d given my heart to before I even knew I had one.
She was the reason I hadn’t been tossed into the system after my mother pushed me out with drugs pumping through her bloodstream.
Then, her habit was manageable, but still a problem.
After my birth, the nasty addiction grew.
I was born a crack addict and stayed in the NICU the first three months of my life as I was weaned and cared for by the nurses.
When I was finally released, it was to my grandmother.
She cared for me the first few years of my life.
When her health started to decline, I was given to my aunt and uncle, who weren’t blessed with the ability to have children.
My life could’ve been shitty, but because of three people that loved me dearly, it was far from it.
With Pullin Up on repeat, I damn near missed my exit.
My tires halted as I approached the light just off the expressway that led to my old neighborhood – where I’d gotten my first battle scars and the knowledge of how the streets operated.
It didn’t matter that my grandmother had gotten me out of them at an early age, I’d been bitten by the bug and knew that they were exactly where I wanted to be when I grew up.
While doctors and lawyers excited the people in class next to me at my private institutes, it was El Chapo, Pablo Escobar, the Ochoa brothers, Amado, and Liam Eisenberg.
While the others, I’d read about in papers, see in documentaries, or watch their stories unfold on the news stations, Liam Eisenberg was close enough that if I just reached out I could touch him.
My infatuation with his world is what led me to his sons and our bonds formed from there. Though discreet, I could spot a Lord from anywhere. Liam wasn’t any different. While his home life was the perfect disguise for most he encountered, I knew what lie beneath the surface.
The newly remodeled white bricked home that I stopped in front of sat between a blue one and a gray one that I’d acquired many years ago.
They were rented to two cousins who weren’t interested in putting Dooley behind them.
My money was received on time, every time which came as a surprise to anyone that was aware of our arrangement.
I wasn’t a stranger to the rule – never doing business with family.
But before anything, I was about my paper and both tenants knew it.