Chapter 35
FEE
Ispin around in Mac’s computer chair, smiling as I catch the wall of posters across the room.
Mac has added to it since I shared that I’m the creator.
Together we arranged all the pieces in a wall-style scrapbook.
We included the doodles I leave on Post-its for him, random sketches I draw when we’re hanging out or watching TV, and a few Polaroid photos he’s taken recently.
It’s inspired parts of my piece for the art show.
I’m excited to finally merge the me everyone knows with the secret one that isn’t quite a secret anymore.
“Do you have blank paper handy?” I could tear a piece from my sketchbook, but I prefer not to.
“Lined, graph, or unlined?” Mac doesn’t look up from his textbook. He has a test tomorrow.
“Anything is fine,” I reply.
“There should be lots of letter sized in the printer tray.” He points to the device, which is half hidden under a stack of textbooks and miscellaneous folders.
I roll the computer chair to the printer—he insisted I take the workstation while he sits in the beanbag chair with his lap pad.
“You might have to jiggle the tray. It’s sticky sometimes,” he warns.
I knock a file folder to the floor when I have to pull harder than anticipated, and a few sheets of paper flutter out on the floor. I bend to gather them, and my mouth goes dry as I scan the letterhead that reads: ELITE HOCKEY INSTITUTE STOCKHOLM.
“Everything okay?” Mac looks up from his textbook and zones in on the logo. “Shit.”
His lap pad clatters to the floor. “Fee.”
The application is dated early January, before we started fake-dating, turned-real-dating. My chest tightens and my voice breaks. “Are you going to Sweden for the summer?”
He raises his hands. “Sweetheart.”
“Please don’t sweetheart me right now.” My stomach twists as real panic takes hold.
“And please explain why I’m only finding out now because I knocked some papers off your desk by accident.
” He’s kept this from me the entire time.
I fell in love with him and he let me and now he might be going to fucking Sweden. “Have you been accepted?”
“Not yet.” Mac runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t know if I even will, Fee.”
“You let me fall for you and you might be leaving.” Tears threaten to fall.
“I haven’t had the best season and my chances at getting in haven’t been great until recently.” He spins the chair to face the end of the bed and sits across from me. Clasps his hands, unclasps them, runs them down his thighs. “I wanted to tell you—”
I dash a tear away. “Then why didn’t you?”
His knee bounces and he swallows thickly. “I didn’t want to upset you.”
“You thought I’d be less upset finding out this way?” I snap, unable to contain my frustration.
“No.” His jaw clenches. “I submitted the applications before we started dating.”
“Applications, plural?” My voice rises with incredulity. The swirling panic sinks its claws in deeper.
“I don’t want to fight with you.” His voice is unsteady.
“This isn’t a fight, Mac. You kept this from me. On purpose. I think I deserve an explanation, and I also think I have a right to be upset about it. How many programs did you apply to and where?”
“There’s another one in Germany.” He gives me an imploring look. “It's not that I didn’t want you to know. I honestly didn’t believe I had much of a chance at either, so it seemed pointless to say anything and upset you. I’ve applied to the Hockey Academy, too, though.”
“But you could be in Sweden or Germany for the summer.” We might love each other, but long-distance relationships are hard. It’s a lot of missing each other. Will he want to be tied down if he’s an eight-hour flight away? Can we handle that kind of pressure, especially if it continues in the fall?
“Or I could be here, in Toronto. It’s where I want to be. Here with you,” he says earnestly, emphatically. “I don’t want to be away from you for the summer, Fee.”
“That’s not the point, though, Mac.” The ache in my chest intensifies as the possibilities I’ve avoided until now slap me in the face.
“If you don’t get into the Hockey Academy, and you do get into a program in Sweden or Germany, you have to go, Mac.
You can’t not go because you want to spend the summer with me. ”
He swallows thickly and says softly, “But I wouldn’t want to.”
“But you would still have to.” I exhale a long breath.
What we want and what’s possible might not be the same.
My chest aches as I’m forced to face our unstable future unfolding, but it’s more than that.
“This hurts, Mac. Obviously, I want you to have this amazing opportunity. I would never want you to pass something like this up because hockey is your dream, just like you wouldn’t want me to pass up an art program abroad because it’s mine.
But you went into this knowing you might not be here come May and didn’t tell me.
I fell in love with you, I’m in love with you, and now I find out you could be across the ocean.
We’re supposed to be a team. You’re supposed to be honest with me, even when it’s hard, but you weren’t. ”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Fee.”
“But that’s how it feels.” I sigh, desperately trying to parse through the torrent of emotions. I’m scared, I’m angry, I’m hurt. “I love you, Mac.”
“I love you, too, so much—”
“But I’m really upset right now,” I admit. “And I need time to process, but I can’t do that here.”
“Do you need me to take you back to your apartment? Or maybe to Cammie’s or Enid’s?” He chews his bottom lip.
“I can’t do this with you right now.” Not without aiming this anger at him and potentially saying something I’ll regret later.
“I need fresh air and some space.” I stuff my things into my backpack.
The tears are already falling. Part of me just wants to hide from this, but the logical, pragmatic part knows I can’t, and that I also can’t unpack my feelings when I’m here with Mac.
I stand and sling my backpack over my shoulder. “I have to go.”
“Can I walk you out?” He looks so forlorn, like he’s feeling the same panic as me, but I can’t make this easier for him. Not when I’ve been blindsided like this.
He moves in like he’s about to hug me, but I put a hand up to stop him. “Don’t, please.”
“Ophelia.” He laces his fingers behind his neck. “Fuck. Please.”
“This was always going to hurt, but now I love you and that pain is going to be so much worse if you go away,” I whisper, then brush past him, rushing down the hall before the tears start in earnest.
I’m grateful no one is in the living room when I reach the main floor. I pull on my coat and slide my feet into my boots with blurred vision. As soon as I’m on the sidewalk, the real tears start. I pull my phone out and bring up my sister’s contact.
And I’m angry all over again, at myself for falling, at the universe for taking away my mom when I need her the most. If she wasn’t gone, I would call her and tell her what happened.
She would’ve offered to drive up from Niagara and take me wherever I wanted to go.
She’d buy me things, take me to get my nails done, visit a gallery, and tell me that it would all work out, even if it wouldn’t.
But Lexi will let me cry on her shoulder and listen to all my fears. She’ll support me and love me and let me sort through all my feelings without making impossible promises.
And isn’t that another mindfuck? Knowing that mom would love me, but she’d sugarcoat the truth to make it more palatable. I still miss her and I still wish I could hear her voice and feel her arms wrapped around me.
Lexi answers on the first ring. “Hey, Big Pheels.”
A sob bubbles up.
“Fifi? Are you okay?”
“Not really.” I fight to get the words out before I break down. “Can I come over?”
“Of course you can. Do you need me to pick you up? Is it an emergency? Should Roman come?”
“N-no, it’s not an emergency. It’s boyfriend problems. I can take an Uber.”
“Let me pick you up.”
“What about Ariel?”
“Roman took her to Callie’s hockey practice. Send me your location and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Okay. Thanks, Lexi. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Fifi.”
Lexi pulls up in front of the café twenty minutes later. As soon as I’m in the passenger seat and the door is closed, she stretches across the center console and pulls me in for an awkward but comforting hug. And I burst into tears again.
“What happened with you and Mac?” Lexi asks once I have my emotions mostly under control and we’re on the way back to her place.
I explain how I stumbled on the application.
“I’m not upset that he applied to programs abroad.
I would have done the same thing if I was in his shoes.
But I fell for him and now he might be leaving, and it feels unfair that I didn’t get to choose whether I could handle that before I went and handed him my heart. ”
She nods, her expression soft and empathetic. “It’s a big deal that he’s applied for these programs overseas, and you’re right about wishing he’d been honest with you from the start.”
“I just feel like I’m spinning, you know? I had this idea of what the summer would look like with him and now it’s all up in the air. And then who knows what happens if he gets called up. What if all we have is this semester together?”
“There’s a lot happening in your heart and in your head.” Lexi holds my hand in hers, squeezing gently. “In your ideal world, what would this summer be for the two of you?”
“He’d be at the Hockey Academy and I’d have a job, maybe in a gallery or maybe teaching classes to kids, or something. But not six time zones away. What if he gets called up and has to move? What will happen then? What if I can’t deal with it? What if it’s all too much?”
Lexi pulls into the underground parking of their building and backs into her designated spot.
“First, you’re putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself and this relationship.
You don’t have to plan your whole future right now, Fee.
You can just enjoy this relationship as it is and let it evolve naturally.
We don’t know what this summer will look like, but the good news is that you have some connections with the Hockey Academy, and Roman has witnessed firsthand Mac’s potential, so panicking over this is a little preemptive.
I fully understand how hard it is not to jump ahead and try to figure out the path you’re on. You’ve lost a lot, Fifi.”
“So have you,” I hiccup.
She nods. “Not as much as you. And not at a time in my life where I needed my parents the most. That kind of loss changes you. It makes sense that you would look for something stable and lasting. Mac is a great guy. He’s kind, thoughtful, and he seems like he’s just as invested in this relationship as you.
I’m sure he realizes now that not telling you about the applications wasn’t the right move.
Your hurt has a lot more layers, and so many of them come from what you’ve lost.”
“I’m scared. I really, really love him, Lexi,” I admit.
“I can see that.” She squeezes my hand. “Is this the first time you’ve been in love?”
I nod and rub my chest. “The physical ache just from the thought of him being so far away is terrifying.”
“These are new, big emotions, Fee. The idea of having someone so special just to lose them would be overwhelming. Especially for you.”
“What if he leaves me? What if I gave him my heart and he doesn’t want to keep it?
” More tears run down my cheeks. “I don’t want to be too needy, Lexi.
I don’t want to push him away and I don’t want to lose him and I’m just…
scared that any of those things could happen.
I don’t know if I can handle another hole in my heart. ”
“Big Pheels.” She wraps her arm around me and kisses my temple. “I know it’s scary, but you can’t live your life being afraid of the what-ifs. You can love him now, and be in this now, and when the future becomes the present, you deal with it then.”
“It’s so hard when it’s all outside of my control.”
“I know.” Lexi gets out of the SUV and comes around to my side.
I unfasten my seat belt and step out into her arms. She cups the back of my head.
“Love is powerful and life-changing. Mac seems like the kind of guy who will understand why this is so hard for you, he might just need a little time to see it all clearly.”
“I miss Mom and Dad.”
“Me, too.” She hugs me tighter.
“Love is hard.”
“It is, but when it’s right, it has the ability to heal.”