Chapter Twenty-Four
“A mhuirnín, wake up,” Mac murmurs as he brushes my hair away from my face.
Slowly, I open my tired eyes.
I fell asleep. No, I cried myself to sleep.
When we got back, he held me and told me to process my feelings.
So I did. As exhaustion settles into my bones, I forgot how physically and mentally draining it was to deal with Evan and all of his bullshit.
How living in a constant state of fear drains the life out of you.
“How long was I out?” I ask.
“About an hour.”
An hour? Really? It feels like I just shut my eyes a moment ago.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks.
“Too many things to list.” I groan.
“Give me one.” He presses a kiss to my temple.
“I’m scared,” I tell him quietly.
“I’m scared too, but I’m not going to let anything happen to you guys, okay? I promise you everything is going to work out. I just need you to trust me.”
I nod against his chest. “I do. You know I do, but the fear is still there.”
It’s true. After our chat here and then at the beach, I trust Mac more than ever.
“Good. That’s good to hear.” He clears his throat. “Smoke and Kelly will be here in a few minutes, though, with the kids.”
“Thank you,” I tell him, knowing that I was only able to rest because I knew they were taken care of.
He squeezes me tight. “You never have to thank me for taking care of you, Jane. Or the kids. Now let’s get up before I decide that we should just stay here forever.”
Reluctantly, I pull myself away from him and get up.
“I’m going to go wash my face,” I tell him.
“Sounds good. Take your time.” His tone is soft.
My heart breaks at how gently he’s talking to me. Almost as if he’s afraid I’m about to break. Then again, maybe I am.
After splashing cold water onto my face, I step back into Mac’s room and look around. If it weren’t for his cut being on the back of a chair and his leather jacket, I would think the room belongs to someone else. It’s bare of all personal objects and is the complete opposite of his house.
He only stays here on occasion. Not often. I can tell.
The sound of a door opening and slamming shut makes me flinch.
They’re back.
The last thing I want to do is tell my kids that the monster found us, but I have to. They deserve to know.
I leave Mac’s room and head out toward the main living area. Instead of Mac’s room being in the main clubhouse, he opted for one in a small house on the land. He told me it was quieter this way. You wouldn’t know it now, though. The closer I get, the louder my kids become.
They’re here.
I pick up my steps and all but run toward them.
“Mommy!” Emily cheers as she tosses herself against me.
“Hi, baby girl. Did you have fun with Smoke and Kelly?” I murmur against her hair as I hold her tight.
“Yeah, they took us for Mexican food. I had tacos with spicy stuff on them,” she tells me animatedly.
“That’s awesome. Did you tell them thank you?” I ask as I slightly pull back but still hold her close.
“I did. Tanner did too. At first, he almost forgot, but then I reminded him,” she tells me proudly.
“Did not,” Tanner mutters.
I look up at the couple in question and smile.
“Thank you for getting them out of here for a little while. You didn’t have to do that,” I say honestly.
“It’s no problem. We had fun, and we would be glad to do it again.” Kelly smiles.
Smoke looks at his wife fondly before turning toward me.
“What she said,” he says.
“Smoke, I owe you an apology.” I step toward him.
“For what?” he asks, frowning.
“For bringing this trouble to your doorstep. The last thing you need is to deal with my drama. Especially after you have all been so kind to me. Giving me a job and a car and a place to live. I hope you know I didn’t mean for this.”
“Jane, it’s really no problem. Family helps family. Your problems are ours, and vice versa,” he says sincerely.
“We need to tell them,” Mac murmurs.
“Tell us what?” Tanner asks, tensing.
I look up at Mac as I try to gather the courage to tell my kids the truth. He must see the struggle on my face because he steps in.
“We are all going to be staying here at the clubhouse for a while,” Mac tells Tanner.
“Like a sleepover?” Emily asks.
“Kind of,” Mac tells her, but Tanner’s little knowing eyes are on Mac, and Mac hasn’t looked away once.
“Cool!” Emily says as she pulls out of my arms.
“Why?” Tanner demands.
I look over at my son and see that his arms are crossed, and he’s frowning like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.
“How about I take Emily outside while the four of you talk?” Kelly says.
“Can I, Mommy?” Emily asks.
I offer her a weak smile. “Sure.”
Emily runs over to Kelly and takes her hand. As we watch them walk away, the tension builds.
“Why are we staying here? Why can’t we go back to our house?” Tanner asks as soon as the door shuts. “Is it because of those men? I thought they were gone. That’s what Smoke told me.”
“Yes, because some bad men broke into your house. One of them got away, and until we find him, it’s not safe for you to go back,” Mac tells him.
Tanner’s eyes find mine. “It was him, wasn’t it?”
My little boy, who had to grow up way too quickly. My heart breaks as I see the fear on his face. He knows as well as I do what damage Evan can cause. I hate that this is even something that he has to worry about. I wish things could be different. I wish I could have protected him better.
“Yes,” I confess quietly.
Tanner’s jaw clenches. “Are we in danger?”
“Yes,” I tell him again.
“Then why are we still here? We need to grab our things and go!” Tanner yells.
“We can’t, baby. We need to stay here. It’s safer,” I tell him, hating that his reaction was the same one I had.
“No, it’s not. It’s just like last time.
You didn’t want to leave then, and you don’t want to now, but we need to, Mom!
We need to go to the nearest truck stop and say that sentence again.
The one that got them to give us rides,” he pleads.
“It will be safe on the road. If we don’t stop, he can’t hurt us. ”
My hand flies to my mouth as I choke back a sob.
This is all my fault.
If I had made better choices in the past, none of this would be happening.
Mac walks toward Tanner and tries to put his hand on his shoulder, only for Tanner to flinch away. The hurt shows as clear as day on Mac’s face, but he quickly pushes it aside.
“Tanner, I understand why you think you should run, but believe me when I tell you, you are safer here than anywhere else. I won’t let anything happen to the three of you. Do you hear me?” Mac tells him.
“No, I don’t trust you!” my son spews. “I don’t even know you. You aren’t even my dad.”
“Tanner!” I gasp, completely caught off guard.
Out of all the things he could have said, I would have never imagined those words coming from his mouth.
His words slice me like a knife, but I refuse to let it show.
I know he doesn’t mean it.
I know it.
If he didn’t trust me, he wouldn’t let me spend so much time with his mom and sister.
He wouldn’t tell me about his day or hang out around me.
He wouldn’t spend all his free time working on cars at the shop with me.
If he didn’t trust me, he wouldn’t always be watching me, taking notes on how I treat those around me.
Still, his words fucking sting.
Dropping to my knees, I pull him into my arms. I refuse to let go as he tries to push me away and only hold on tighter.
“Let me go!” he cries.
“Never,” I whisper against the shell of his ear.
“I’ll be right outside if you need me,” I hear Smoke tell Jane.
As his heavy footsteps disappear, the less of a fight Tanner puts up in my arms. Moving from my knees, I fall onto my ass, taking him with me.
I pull him into my arms and hold on to him until he goes limp in my arms. At some point, Jane comes over to us and begins to play with our hair, trying to soothe us both at the same time.
“I’m sorry,” Tanner whimpers against my chest.
I close my eyes as I fight back my own tears.
Son of a bitch, who would have thought that an eight-year-old boy would be the one to cut me to my knees?
“Look at me.”
When he refuses, I cup his face and tilt it until he has no choice but to do so.
“You have nothing, and I mean nothing, to be sorry for, Tanner. You have some really big feelings right now, and it’s a scary time. I’d rather you take your fear out on me than your mom or sister, okay?”
He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. “I need to say something, and I need you to really listen to me, okay?”
He nods, so I push on.
“I know we haven’t known each other long, but I like to think that in this time you’ve figured out what kind of man I am. I hope you know that I’m nothing like the man who helped make you. You know I would never hurt you, right? That I would never hit you or your mom or sister.”
His lower lip wobbles, but I push forward.
“What that man did to you guys isn’t right. He wasn’t a good husband, and he wasn’t a good father. In fact, I wouldn’t even call him a father. A father loves and protects his kids. He would do anything to make sure nothing bad happens to them. Evan would never do that, right?”
“No,” Tanner whispers.
“Exactly. But you know what, Tanner? I love you and your sister the way a father should. I will protect you even until my dying breath. I will never let that man hurt you. Do you understand?” I say vehemently, meaning every single word.
“Y-you love us?” he stutters.
“Of course I do. You two are hard not to love. That’s why I don’t want you guys going on the run. If you aren’t here, then I won’t get to see you. I’ll be worried about the three of you all the time.”
“Really?” he asks, his eyes begging it to be true.
“Really.”
“Tanner, we can’t run again. Think about how hard it was last time,” Jane says softly.
“You don’t really want to leave, right?” I ask.
Tanner shakes his head. “I didn’t like constantly moving. I like our house and my school. I have friends here too.”
Relief fills me when he confirms that he wants to stay.
“Okay, then you stay,” I tell him.
“But what about D—Evan?” he asks, tripping over his dad’s name.
I know it shouldn’t, but it fucking pleases me that it clicked in his head that Evan isn’t his dad. Not in the way dads should be.
“My brothers and I are going to take care of Evan. By the time we are done with him, you’ll be safe and you won’t have to worry about leaving again.”
“How long will that take?” he asks.
I don’t lie to him. He had to grow up way too quickly, and his questions are valid. He deserves to know the truth.
I shake my head. “I don’t know. It could be tomorrow, or it could be later this month. Time will tell. We have to be smart about this, Tanner. As much as I would love to go in guns blazing, I need to be careful. I can’t let any of this blow back on any of us. Does that make sense?”
Tanner nods. “Yeah, he likes taking his anger out on everyone else.”
“Exactly, and we don’t want that. So, for the time being, the four of us are going to move in here for a while, just until it’s over with. Then we can go back to our houses,” I tell him.
Tanner looks up at me with his big brown eyes that are a spitting image of his mother’s.
“Promise me you’ll be safe. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you,” he says softly, making Jane sob.
“I’ll be safe,” I say without hesitation.
It’s the easiest promise I’ve ever made.
“Baby, come here. I need to hold you.” Jane sniffles.
“Mom, I’m not a baby.” He grumbles as he moves from my lap to hers.
As soon as he’s in her lap, I pull them both into me, wrapping my arms around them.
Closing my eyes, I soak in the moment. The only thing that would make it better is if Emily were here. This moment was for us, though. It was something that we needed to do between just the three of us.
Next time, she will be with us, though.
Opening my eyes, I see that Jane is already staring at me with nothing but love in her eyes.
We haven’t said that four-letter word to each other yet, but it’s still evident by the way we look at each other.
Soon.
I’ll tell her as soon as her ex has been dealt with. Because when I finally tell her I love her, nothing will stop me from making her mine once and for all.
Mine to love.
Mine to cherish.
Just mine.