9. Chapter 9
Chapter nine
Maddox
Having Jinx stay with me is a blessing and a curse. Deep down, I know why the guys made her stay with me, and the thought turns my stomach. They only want the best for me, but using our girlfriend as a babysitter doesn’t sit right with me. The worst part is I can’t even escape this hell hole anymore because Jinx took my car keys. I miss having my own space and the freedom to do anything. I can only pray Jinx hasn’t found my secret stash.
I still don’t have any answers about what my future is like. No one will tell me. Von hasn’t returned to school, and this new dean won’t see me. Every time I try, Florence says he’s out of the office. Which I know is complete bullshit. He doesn’t want to deal with a fuck up like me. Some punk asshole was trying to kill a teacher. But in all honesty, I wasn’t trying to kill Von. Maybe scare him—kill. I was trying to kill him.
The unknown is killing me. Why can’t someone tell me what is happening? Going on with my life and acting like I won’t be arrested any second is exhausting. I’ve been living on edge my entire life. All I want is a break from this feeling. My nerves are completely shot, and if I don’t find something to calm me down soon, I’m going to explode. With that in mind, I ditch out on my last class, hoping no one is in my dorm room. I step off the last step of the main building only to hear my name.
“Maddox. How’s it going? Still, using Jinx’s pussy? Or are you done with that?”
I gradually turn around and face Cameron. If one thing is for sure, I never missed the prick. “You never learn, do you, Cam?”
He slips his hand into his front pocket and shrugs. “I’m not overly worried, wanna know why?”
I let out a long, lingering breath; I guess I can entertain him. “No, Cam. I have no idea, but I feel you’re going to fill me in.”
He gives a bitter laugh. “Oh, Maddox. You can’t touch me, or I’ll have your ass thrown in jail.”
It’s my turn to laugh. “I guess the warning Atticus gave you didn’t sink in. I’ll give you a refresher.”
Before my words could sink in, I move in a blink of an eye. My fist collides with his mouth, giving me some satisfaction. The pussy dropped to his knees, head in his hands, screaming in pain. Bloody drool spills onto the grass from between his fingers.
“You’ll pay for this, Maddox.” He raises his face, giving me a bloody smile. “Mark my fucking word, you won’t be in this school another day.”
“Don’t tease me, Cameron, because I would be careless if I stayed in this school for another day. Come up with a better threat.” I kick Cameron to the ground. “Be grateful it wasn’t Atticus you ran your mouth to. He’s been going a little too easy on you.”
I step over him, needing my stash more than anything. At this point, I would suck a fuckin’ dick just for some pills, I wouldn’t even care. I will my legs to move faster across the campus. The need to get inside my dorm grows with each step. Just thinking about popping a few pills sends tingles down my spine. I bolt through the Darrow Hall doors, damn near knocking over someone standing too close to the entrance.
“Watch it, asshole!” they yell.
“Yeah, sorry about that.” I don’t bother looking behind me; they need to learn not to stand by a fuckin’ door. I quickly jog up the stairs, praying that no one is back. I just need them gone long enough to get high.
There is complete silence when I open my door. I don’t waste time heading to the bathroom, flinging open the cupboard door. I feel under the sink until my hand touches the small plastic baggie. My heart damn near did a cartwheel as I pulled my happy pills from under the sink. The small white pills slide down my throat with ease.
A wave of calmness washes over me.
The cloud I’m floating on soars through the sky like a feather. I’m untouchable from up here. The world looks like a fun size candy bar. I could fit it in my pocket and carry it around; it’s perfect. I let my hand fall free, feeling the air between my fingers. I love the freeness and will never give it up to anyone. I close my eyes and enjoy the sensation.
From a distance, I can hear my name being called, but there isn’t anyone around. The more I try to look around, the blurrier my surroundings become.
“Maddox.”
There’s my name again. Who the fuck is calling me? And why? Before I can think, the cloud I’m on starts falling to the ground. My eyes shoot open, and my fist flies out, barely missing the person beside me.
“Maddox,” Jinx spoke my name, but it’s barely audible.
I might be awake, but my brain isn’t functioning. Jinx is nothing but a moving blur. No matter what I do, my eyes won’t focus. I blindly reach for her, and her soft hand grabs my fingers.
“I have you.”
Her fingers work through my hair, sending tingles to my toes. She shouldn’t be here. Why does she always seem to find me after I plummet? I open my mouth to say anything but can’t form a word.
“Shh, you don’t need to speak. I took care of everything for you; I promise nothing will happen to you while I’m by your side, Maddox. I fucking promise you that.”
I move closer, resting my head on her thighs, and wrap my arms around her legs.
“I’m sorry, baby,” I tell her, blinking a tear free.
She gently traces my scar as we sit in silence. I’ll never know what I did to deserve this unforgettable person, but I thank my lucky stars every day I breathe; she’s still here with me. Her gentle caresses soothe me, but it’s not enough; it’ll never be enough.
“Hey, pretty boy.”
I bury my head deeper into my pillow. “Ashton, no. Please.” I slide my hand around the bed, and the fuckin’ lightbulb finally lights up. “How did I get into bed?”
“Your noble steed carried your drugged-up ass. I swear, Maddox.” Ashton goes quiet.
I chance it and look at him. His pale blond hair is a tousled mess, and dark circles line under his eyes. I did that to him; he’s my best friend, and I am destroying him. This isn’t what friends do.
“Maddox, if you pull this shit again. I’m hauling your ass into rehab.” He closes his eyes, then shakes his head.
“I’m sorry, I tried.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit. If you tried, you would’ve lasted longer than a few days. Don’t you ever think of anyone other than yourself?”
His words cut deep. Because I wasn’t thinking about anyone, only the fact that I needed the high. And this is why I shouldn’t be walking on this planet anymore. I’m not worthy. Why can’t they see that by now? Why can’t they just give up on me, too?
A light tap on the door frame pulls me from my dreaded thoughts.
“Can I have a word with him, please?” Jinx walked further into the room, her face unreadable.
Ash meets her halfway, brushing his fingers over her face. “Take it easy on his ass, Little Swan.” He presses a kiss on her forehead before looking at me.
“Watch your mouth with her.”
The click of the door makes my stomach sink. Whatever Jinx has to say will break me. I haven’t moved, and neither has she a standoff that one of us isn’t going to win.
“Maddox. I’m going to speak, and you’re going to listen. Do not interrupt me.”
I simply nod because what else can I do?
“When I walked into this dorm earlier, I was excited to be coming home to you. I wanted to share the good news with you. Instead.” She drew in a shaky breath. “I found you, and I wasn’t sure if the demons were dragging you to the other side. I already lost a loved one, and I’m not about to lose another one. I will not go through that again. I need you to heal, Maddox. You can't do that at this school, not for me or the guys, but for yourself.” She wipes her nose, sniffing. “Swear to me. You’ll find some help.”
I climb out of bed, grabbing the nightstand when the world spins. Fuck. I go to say something, but balls of sawdust get caught in my throat. I inch closer to where Jinx stands, I go to reach for her hand but change my mind.
“Odette. It was never my intention to hurt you. Everything was overwhelming me, and I needed an outlet. Do you think I enjoy you always finding me at the lowest fucking point in my life? I feel like I’ll never be the man you want me to be. Why would you even want to be seen with me?” I glance her way as tears stream down her cheek. “I can’t be around you without making you cry. A real man wouldn’t make his woman cry. Maybe you’re right. I should go away and get help. I’m doing no one any good here, and you won’t be safe around me if I slip up again.”
The sound of our hearts breaking is deafening. Never in my life did I think we would be standing here, falling apart.
“Maddox, if you did get help. It should be because you want it, not because we want it for you. No one can fix you but you.”
“What if I can’t be fixed?”
She extends a hand, and I take it. “What if it does much more?”
A cold tremor ran down my spine. Would I still be the same person? What if no one wants me around after? I’ll be right back where I started. It’s a never-ending circle, and I’ll never find a way out. Then again, I can’t keep living like this; I’m hurting everyone that I love.
My fingers dig into her hand. “I’ll go.”
She crushes her body against mine, locking her arms around my neck. “I’m proud of you, Maddox. We’ll all be here cheering you on.”
“I hope so, baby.”
I have a bad feeling about leaving her behind.