CHAPTER 3
Madison
I just woke up from a nice nap.
Shit, it wasn’t a nap, that was a full-on sleep.
I look at my alarm clock and see I must’ve slept at least ten hours.
Once I got home, I told Mick I needed some time alone to think, shower, and sleep.
He only agreed to leave if I let him order me some food.
He knew I could never say no to Pho and spring rolls.
I know everyone thinks chimichangas and churros are my favorite, and they’re good, but nothing tops my love for Pho.
It’s another thing my family never bothered to ask.
They just assumed they knew and I just never spoke up.
Those days of me just going along with things so I don’t cause waves is over.
I’m tired of not being seen or heard.
I know a lot of this is my doing.
Well, that just means it’s mine to undo then, right?
I thought I’d lost my phone, but it turns out that Mick found it.
I turned it off when I got home ’cause I just didn’t want to deal with anyone.
I needed time to sleep and think.
I need to figure some shit out, and I need coffee to think clearly.
I slip my feet into my bunny slippers and head into my kitchen to get my single-cup dispenser going.
I know Kierstie thinks it’s dumb that I only have it and not a real coffee maker, but it’s only me here in the mornings so I like that this gets me caffeine at the speed I need it to.
I get it going and lean against the counter to wait the minute till it's ready.
I look over to the othe r counter where my phone is plugged in.
I can feel it mocking me.
I never turn my phone off, always feeling like I need to be available for family who might need something.
Huh.
I didn’t leave it on thinking they’d want to talk or anything, it’s because they could need something — babysitter, errand runner, an extra day of cleaning at the clubhouse.
The realization hits me.
I’ve let them treat me this way.
I have always let them turn to me for something they need.
Maybe ’cause of knowing it was my fault that Rory had gone to prison and being there like that for everyone helped my guilt.
I let that be the reason they called me.
I let this go on.
I let them do this and not actually ever call me just to talk or hang out.
I’ve let all this shit happen ’cause I was stuck in this rut—partly ’cause of my overwhelming guilt about my dumb choices ending up with Rory doing time, and partly ’cause the last time I did something for me and what I wanted, the results were that everyone else was hurt.
Well, fuck me.
Enough is enough.
Yes, most of this is my doing, but at any time, any one of my siblings could have said something, but not one of them did.
Seeing them all agree with Juan, that they thought I was going to break, still hurts and I’m not ready to deal with them.
I need time to figure shit out in my head.
I pour my coffee and doctor it up.
I take those first few amazing sips of the caffeinated deliciousness, grab my cell, and have a seat on my comfy couch.
I turn on my phone and wait for the notifications to start.
I figured everyone would try and get me to talk.
My phone dings only a couple of times.
I look and I see three missed calls and five texts.
Only two people tried to contact me.
Two .
One text is from Ma.
Ma: Love you, my girl.
I know you’re angry with me and have every right, but just know I love you with all my heart.
I don’t text her back.
I’m not ready to deal with how she hid things from me.
My whole life, when I asked her if she knew about my biological parents, she always just told me that my birth mom wasn’t ready to be a mother.
I know she didn’t technically lie, but after we all learned her story, I guess I don’t get why she didn’t tell me mine.
It’s not that I’m mad that I didn’t know some psycho cult leader gave me half my DNA.
It’s more that Ma and Pa could lie and hide things from me like that.
I take another sip of my coffee and go to the texts from the one other person who tried to contact me. Mick.
Mick: I know you’re probably still sleeping, but I need you to know I’m here for you.
You need something, anything, just ask.
Even if it’s to kick your brothers’ asses.
I might not survive it, but for you, I’d do it.
Hopefully that made you smile a little.
He would so die if he tried to kick all their asses at once.
He’d probably survive against Ry and Max, maybe even Juan if he’s distracted, but Rory
and Jon wouldn’t go down easy.
The fucker did make me smile at that.
Mick: Hope you ate before you crashed out.
Mick: I’m at the shop all day, working on stuff for this week.
Come by if you wanna.
Mick: You might be awake, but my guess is your phone is off or on silent.
I know I said some shit at the reception… just know you are mine… as much as I’m yours.
You are the person who gets me better than anyone, and I want everything with you… please talk to me… soon.
Before I can even think about what I wanna say back, another text from him comes in.
Mick: That last text wasn’t meant to pressure you, just tryin’ to do like you said and communicate better.
See, I can listen!
The jerk knows how to put a smile on my face.
Between his texts and the look on his face when I came out of the cabin, I know he’s got to feel at least half of what I feel for him.
He’s also the only one in my world I currently feel like possibly talking to, just not right now.
Right now, I’m going to finish this coffee, take a long bath, and maybe think about getting a pet, a tattoo, or dying my hair.
Yes, I’m going to avoid the things I should be thinking about.
You don’t need to call me out on it.
Thankfully, this place has a fantastic bathtub.
It’s the main reason I moved into this place.
Well, the tub and the awesome window seat that has a great view of the trees.
Time for a long soak to let my brain just stop for a bit.
Mick
I’ve been trying to draw the same damn thing for the last half hour and it ain’t happening.
My mind ain’t here.
I reach into my pocket and pull my phone out.
A voice from behind me startles me.
“If you text her again, she’s gonna add you to the list of people she ain’t talkin’ to.”
Turning around on my stool, I look at Grant.
Wyatt and Erik are standing next to him.
Wyatt speaks up.
“He’s not wrong.
How many times have you called or texted since you dropped her off?”
He tilts his head like he’s studying me.
“I’m guessing at least a couple of calls and at least seven or eight texts.”
Ha! I’m better than he thinks.
“Five times.
This was gonna be six.”
I can’t help but sigh and run my hand through my hair.
“She just had so much thrown at her over the last bit and I’m not even talking about the kidnapping and the fucker who dared to grab her neck.”
Erik leans against the counter behind him and crosses his arms as he looks at me.
He’s the one who knows her the best.
Hell, he probably knows me the best too.
He knows more than he’s probably ever shared with anyone.
He keeps his own feelings pretty bottled up.
He starts with a question.
“Did she say she didn’t want to talk to you when you dropped her off?”
I shake my head at him and let him continue.
“She’s always been a thinker, having to mull things over in her mind.
If she didn’t tell you that, then you’re probably the one she’s going to talk to first when she’s ready.
I’m on her shit list, since I’m sure she assumes I knew about her bio parents.
To be fair, I only knew about her birth mom.”
Grant, the one who calls me on my shit the most, chimes in, “I heard what you told her at the reception.
You weren’t wrong in anything you said, but your timing and delivery wasn’t the best.”
I go to speak but he puts his hand up to stop me, like he’s done so many times in my life.
“Son, that’s not something to really regret.
Could you have done it better and without the entire family watching? Sure, but you both have a tendency to let shit build up till it all comes pouring out of you.
She does the same thing, so you’re two peas in a pod in that respect.
I know you’re going to sit here, mull over shit, and possibly regret not just what you said, but how you said it.
However, I want you to think about something.
If you hadn’t gotten it all out, she was gettin’ close to ending things.
From my understanding, nothin’s been happening between you two.
Regrets are the hardest thing to live with but it’s the what-ifs that will kill you.
You got out what needed to get out and if things don’t work out, it ain’t gonna be ’cause you didn’t share your frustrations and feelings.”
Wyatt, who’s been uncharacteristically quiet, adds to what Grant just laid out.
“I ain’t the one with the words of wisdom like these two, Jonah, or even Jackson, but there’s one thing in life I’ve learned.
This too shall pass.”
I think he left out the wisdom, what is—he continues and interrupts my thinking.
“That’s with everything in life.
You feel angry or pissed off? This too shall pass.
You feel great, you’ve got all the things going for you? This too shall pass.
Everything in life passes.
If you’re in a moment that’s got you worried and questioning things? Give it time.
Sometimes it’s just a moment and that too shall pass.
Mads ain’t gonna be mad forever, that’s not who she is.
Give her some time and she’ll come around and talk to everyone.”
Well, shit.
He’s kinda got a point.
“Fuck, Wyatt, you might just speak some wisdom sometimes.
Jackson must be rubbing off on you after all these years.”
The glare I get is one I’ve seen him give both Asher and Mayson many times over the years.
Both Grant and Erik both try to hide their laughter without much luck.
Wyatt rolls his eyes and heads toward the door.
“Whatever, you fuckers.
When you do talk to Mads, let her know that both Christy and Mary are staying with us.
Anna’s all a twitter with a houseful and they’re keeping Daisy and Buster occupied while she cooks up a storm.”
He gives us a wave goodbye as he heads out the door.
Erik grabs a water bottle from the fridge as he asks me, “You have any clients today?”
I shake my head.
“Nah, I was just trying to get ahead on some designs for appointments this month.”
He looks at the design I’ve been working on.
“I know you ain’t gonna get any work done today.
You know it too.
Let’s go for a ride, get some wind in your hair.
You need the road.”
Before I can even think about all the shit I should be doing, Grant puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it.
“You ain’t got any appointments.
I got no plans.
I’ll stay for any walk-ins today.
He’s right.
You need the wind.”
Well, shit, I know better than to turn down that offer and follow Erik out back to our bikes.
Time to let my mind go and just enjoy the wind.
Madison
Pulling into my driveway, I park and grab the goodies I bought after my drive.
After my bath, I needed some clarity and went for a drive to the spot Pa always took me to as a kid.
The view of the lake and the trees always helps give me a sense of peace.
Today wasn’t as successful, but it helped.
I stopped and got some food and ice cream.
Again, I wish we had a place in town where I could grab a good sandwich and cookie ’cause that’s what I really want.
I settled for a chicken garlic pizza and strawberry ice cream.
My hips don’t need either, but my emotions do.
I head up the stairs to my door, surprised by who’s sitting there, waiting for me.
Logan.
“Aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon or something?”
He grins as he stands up.
“Nah, we’re gonna go for a long weekend in a couple of weeks.
Since I was off of work for so long, I don’t have the time off, and Asher isn’t one to travel that much anyway.
I came to see how you were doin’.
I kinda figured you were steering clear of all the Westons but thought you might talk to a friend?”
He grabs the pizza box and bag from me so I can unlock the front door.
“Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise, you’re a good friend and Asher married up.”
I can hear him chuckling as he follows me into the house.
He’s a thinker like me and I can sense him trying to get a read on where I’m at.
Problem is, I’m not sure.
“Did Jon send you here to check on me?”
I know he just got his full patch a bit ago, but prospect habits die hard.
He sits down on one of the stools I have at the kitchen island.
“No one sent me.
I came because I could tell last night that you, my friend, were hurting.
You had shit thrown at you by Mick, all your brothers, and Kierstie.
Then you get fucking kidnapped and find out that Ma and Pa hid something pretty fucking big from you.
I wanted to check on you.
You were a pretty amazing friend to me just a few months ago when I needed someone to be in my corner.
You need someone now and I consider you one of my closest friends.
So, chica, where’s your mind at?”
Ain’t that fucking million-dollar question.
I hand him a drink and try to figure out in words what’s going through my head.
I look over at Logan and realize he’s probably the best to understand my train of thought, so I just take a breath and let everything just come out.
“First, I was really fucking pissed at Mick, but then I realized he and I just both need to say what we want to each other and get the fuck over our lack of communication.
I thought I’d be madder at him, but I realize we both made a lot of assumptions.
I think it actually was good to get that shit out.
I think he’s still the one I want, and I don’t feel like I need space from him.
Then you have every single one of my siblings.
They all either think I’m broken or so inside my head about shit that’s ancient history that none of them really talk to me.
Hell, Kierstie didn’t even tell me she was seein’ Shane till she told everyone, and we’re supposed to be best friends.
I love Jane, Shane, and Nicky.
I think they're perfect for my siblings, but in all of this, I feel like I’ve lost the friendship I had with my siblings.
Like I was a placeholder till they came around.
I know sibling relationships change when people fall in love and get married, but I feel invisible sometimes.
Am I so broken and behind everyone that no one knows how to talk to me?”
I take a deep breath and my word diarrhea continues.
“Then there’s this big surprise that my biological father is the leader of this crazy cult and my bio mom escaped him.
Add to that, Ma and Pa knew the whole time.
Fuck, that means Uncle Erik and all of them that age knew too.
I get maybe not telling me when I was a kid, but since Ma shared their story? It’s like no one thinks I can handle or am worthy of the truth and I think that’s what hurts the most.”
Logan takes a drink of his soda and sets it down.
“Well, shit.
That’s a lot to unpack, girl.”
He moves his hair out of his eyes and I can tell he’s trying to dissect everything I just spewed out at him.
“First, I’m no relationship expert, we both know that, but I think it was necessary for you and Mick to get it all out there.
You’d been dancing around each other for longer than I’ve known ya.
I also think you’re both good people and deserve the love I think you could have together.
It might be smart to text him back at some point, ’cause I’m guessing you’re like me and haven’t gotten out of your head enough to respond to any texts.
I’ll bet anything that he’s texted you a few times already, hasn’t he?”
I nod.
“Yeah a few times.
He’s the only one besides Ma who’s messaged me.
I think that’s just made me more upset at everyone.
I’ve got six fucking siblings.
Six .
Not one of them messaged me to ask how I am.
I know they’re all busy with their lives, but they’re sure to fucking text me when they need a favor or something.
Well, I’m gonna stand my fucking ground on this one.
I’m not wrong to want them to come to me, am I?”
Logan shakes his head as he serves us both a piece of pizza.
“No, I don’t think you’re wrong.
I think all of them are great people, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be wrong sometimes.
I think they’ve gotten stuck in how they treated you and know you’re always there for them without question.
I think some of them forget that you’re not that scared nineteen-year-old anymore.
I know Jane did that with me for a while.
Asher, I think, said something to her to make her realize what she was doing.
She hasn’t bugged me about eating or anything like that since.”
He takes a bite of pizza as he lets that sink in.
I finish my bite and realize I’ve already decided how I’m going to deal with my Weston siblings.
“I know I need to speak up with them and I get that now, but I’m gonna be stubborn for once and wait for them to come to me.
I’m happy to help my family anyway I can, but I don’t want to just be their help.
I want actual relationships with them and to have conversations about more than just cleaning the clubhouse or running an errand.
I think I need to find a job, not working for family, but somewhere I can find my passion and do what I love.
Once I figure out what exactly that is.”
Logan smiles at me like he’s just realized something.
“Ya know, I think in some ways, we’re a lot more alike than we realize.
I was doing what was expected of me and not loving any of it.
It wasn’t till I started working with Samson and Ry that I liked a job and now I can do that and help people with the EMT position.”
He takes the last sip of his soda and tilts his head, like he’s simultaneously thinking and trying to dissect me and what I want.
“You got a pen and some paper?”
I nod and grab a pen and notepad out of the drawer that’s next to me.
“Let’s try something I read about.
Don’t sit and think.
Answer with the first thought that comes to mind when you hear my questions.
What is it about the jobs you have now that you like?”
I give him a smile.
“I like knowing I’m helping people and making their lives just a little bit easier, even if it’s just doing their laundry or cleaning their room.”
“And what do you not like?”
“People just assuming I’m always available or not asking me what I want or like.”
I watch Logan writing it all down on the notepad.
“If you could do anything in the whole world, what would it be?”
“Be a mom and help people help themselves.
Like I know there are shelters and stuff for women or men who’ve left domestic violence situations, but there’s more people who need a helping hand.
I’d love to do something to help them, but also people like Shandy and Brandy who just aged out of the system and weren’t really given any help after that.
Or like Christy and that girl who helped us escape.
I know they’ve probably never had a job, but they’ve got skills that just need to be realized.
I think they all deserve a chance to make it on their own.
Maybe something where they can be given a job and get a solid foundation of skills to go forward.”
The ding of an incoming text on his phone interrupts my train of thought.
“Is Asher going through withdrawals?”
He has this grin on his face that tells me it was definitely his new husband who texted him.
“He’s telling me he’s escaping his mom’s, heading home, and wants to know if I was home yet.”
I can’t help but smile ’cause I love how much Asher loves him and the bond they have.
“You can go, you’ve helped me get outta my head.
I know I need to talk to Ma and Pa, but I’m just not quite there yet.
I will answer Mick.”
He stands up and hugs me.
“I know you’ll figure things out.
Just remember, you’ve got friends who will listen anytime.
If you wanna check on Christy and Mary, they’re both staying at my in-laws’ place.
Seems Anna wanted to dote on them something’ fierce.”
I squeeze him back before I let him go.
“You tell that hubby of yours thanks for letting you up for air ’cause I needed this talk.
More than you know.”
He grins and waves his goodbye.
A minute later, I hear his bike start up and head out the driveway.
I flop down on the couch and unlock my phone.
No new messages, but I go to Mick’s.
Before I respond, I go back and read the last few weeks of messages from him.
Holy Shit.
Reading each one, I can see he wants me, that he was doing what he promised and waiting till I said I was ready.
I may not be sure of almost anything in my life right now, but the one thing I know is I want us.
I want to be his, to start us for real.
Me: I’m sorry I didn’t text you back sooner.
I was in my head, and I know I need to work on not doing that, especially when it comes to you.
I was hoping you’d want to hang out tomorrow.
I know you probably gotta work, but maybe after, or I can bring you lunch?
I lean back and turn on the television, planning to get lost in one of my favorite shows that I’ve seen dozens of times.
I watch almost an entire episode before my phone buzzes with an incoming text.
Mick: Sorry I didn’t see your text right away, I was on my bike.
Baby, I’ll see you in the morning, at lunch and after.
I’ll see you whenever you want.
I’ll bring breakfast and see you before I head to the shop.
Me: Good ’ cause I think I’m in need of more of those kisses you gave me…honestly…
Mick: Honestly?? You know you can tell me anything, Madison.
I love that he used my full name.
I really like that he called me baby too.
Me: Honestly…I think I’m ready for everything.
I can’t help but giggle when he responds so fast.
Mick: Everything? Everything as in?
Me: Everything.
You and me doing life, sex, dating, sex, dealing with my family together, sex, planning our future…sex…
Mick: Fuck, baby.
I want all of that too.
You sure you’re ready? I know I spewed a shit ton at you at the reception, but for you, I’d wait however long it took…
Me: I’m done waiting.
I want it all, and with you.
Don’t worry about things being perfect or the right timing.
It’s with you so it’s already right.
Mick: Shit, you don’t know what that means to me to hear you say that… or read.
I’ll bring you breakfast and try and control myself, but if you’re still in what you call your pajamas, I might not be able to.
I don’t wear anything fancy or revealing.
Me: I just wear a tank and pj pants, nothing special.
Mick: Woman.
It’s not the clothes.
It’s you wearing them.
Seeing your curves and delicious ass in those pants and your tits in that tiny shirt…last time I saw you in that getup, I had to wipe the drool off of my chin, more than once.
Me: Kinda like when I saw you with your shirt off, chopping wood at the clubhouse.
Saxon teased me that since I was standing over him sitting in the chair, he needed an umbrella, the ass.
Mick: LOL.
You eat anything today? I’m guessing you haven’t talked to any family today, did you?
Me: I had pizza and am about to have some ice cream.
Logan stopped by and helped me talk things out.
Does it bother you that he’s become a good friend of mine?
Mick: Not at all.
He’s a good person and I want you to have people like that in your life.
Does it hurt that he’s married and obsessed with one of my closest friends? Nah, but I’m good with you hanging with any of the brothers ’ cause they all know you’re mine.
I’m just glad you’re realizing it too.
Me: Sometimes I’m blind to things, but I’m not anymore.
Mick: I’m glad it’s changed.
I’m gonna get some sleep.
Figure the sooner I go to bed, the sooner mornin’ comes and I can see you.
’ Night, baby.
Me: ’ Night, Mick.
Maybe, just maybe, my BOB is going to go into retirement, or at least the bottom drawer.