Chapter 14 #3
“You’re not coming up here?”
“If I just said call me in a few days, what do you think?”
“You can’t bring the kids? I talked to Honesty earlier and they miss me.”
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This situation would have been a lot easier without kids in the equation. Having a family with children who were very close to their father during a time like this was difficult to navigate.
“I’ll see, Duke. I have to go,” with that, I hung up.
Just as I was about to turn the phone off, it rang. I just knew it would be him, but it wasn’t. It was Chanté. Instead of answering it, I hit the ignore button and grabbed my bag to get out.
My stride was unrushed. I basked in the feel of the warm spring sun beaming down on my face.
Enjoyed the cool breeze that swept across my face when I pulled the door to the building open too.
I appreciated the small things. Sat in the feeling of having an okay day because I knew…
I just fucking knew… things were going to come raining down on me once I sat on that couch.
I sighed and did the whole check in thing.
Waited about a minute or so and then Chanté called me back.
I wasn’t surprised by the questioning look on her face.
Didn’t run when she asked me where I’d been either.
I stopped lying. Told her I wasn’t sick.
Not ill anyway. Told her things were bad and heavy, and I was too stuck in my head to talk about it.
But talking about it was exactly what I needed. She nodded and got right to it.
“Duke?”
I grabbed the pillow and fondled with the tassels. Nodded instead of using my voice. She scribbled in the iPad. For a second, I wondered what she wrote. Did she call me a dumb ass bitch? Did she write LOL?
“Did he cheat?”
Again, I shook my head. Stared at her through cloudy vision. Almost cried. If I were to blink, I would. Quiet tears though. That was all I’d cried these days. Didn’t get hysterical. Didn’t hyperventilate. Didn’t give anything but quiet tears.
“It’s okay, Mahogany. You can let go,” Chanté said before handing me a box of Kleenex.
I didn’t take it.
I didn’t want to move. Felt like if I moved a muscle, they would pour out, and I didn’t want that to happen.
I wanted these sessions to go differently.
Before… I wanted to be able to walk in here with my head held high.
I wanted to gloat. I wanted to show her that we were doing good.
That I didn’t need a divorce attorney, and that marital counseling was all we needed.
But… I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to get to that point. Was that a good thing or a bad thing?
I blinked.
I fucking blinked and the levee broke.
Instead of pushing the box toward me, Chanté stood up and walked over to me on the couch.
She sat down and wrapped her arms around me.
Was it unethical? For her to have a heart?
For her to show her client love? I didn’t know.
Didn’t care either. I needed a hug. And I melted into her arms. I didn’t silently cry that time.
I boohooed. Probably snotted all over her designer suit.
But she let me. She didn’t pull away. In fact, she held me tighter.
Today’s tears hit a little different. I hadn’t cried for a couple of days.
I’d been sad. Very sad. Stuck in my head about what ifs and things like that, but the tears were far and in between.
I knew what today would do to me. I knew I’d cry for real, and I hated that.
Because I was trying to move forward. I was trying to be strong, and all today did was show me that I still had ways to go.
After crying my eyes out, I loosened my hold on her and we pulled away. Again, she handed me napkins. This time, I took them and cleaned my face. My eyes felt puffy and red. Dry. Like I’d cried every tear I had inside of me.
“You don’t have to talk if you don’t feel up to it,” Chanté said.
I shook my head. “I need to talk. I…” I paused. “Duke… he has… there’s a little girl.”
Her eyebrows rose. “Mahogany… I’m so sorry.”
Despite how fucked up I was, I spilled.
I told her everything. About Justin showing up at my house. About me confronting Duke. About the kids hearing us fighting. Told her about my trip to Pandora’s too. She stopped me before I could get to Crescent.
“Have you filed?”
“What?”
“Have you filed?” Chanté repeated. “Divorce.”
With a frown, I shrugged. “Not yet. He’s in the hospital. Got into a car accident.”
“What does that have to do with you filing?”
“Nothing. The timing is just… it’s messed up,” I said with a swallow. “I’m filing. It’s… it’s inevitable. You think I’m going to stay with him after everything I told you? Chanté… it’s over.”
“Technically it’s not over until you file for divorce. You said you confronted him about everything a little while ago, right?”
I placed my hands between my legs and interlocked them, twisting. “Yes. It hasn’t bene that long. It’s still fresh. I still... I’m still going to file. It’s just taking me a minute. I’ve been busy.”
“You’ve been to Pandora’s,” she pointed out.
"What does that have to do with anything?” I snapped.
Chanté sat her iPad down and took a deep breath. “Mahogany… I’m going to ask you a tough question. It’ll be easier on the both of us if you answered instead of avoiding it.”
I looked up and rolled my eyes, shaking my head. “About fear.”
“About fear. Are you afraid? To leave him? To start a new life without him in it?”
I was quiet for a second. Of course I was afraid.
I was afraid of a bunch of shit. I didn’t just come out and tell her that.
That was scary to. To tell the truth. To show someone you were actually very afraid of a lot of things.
I shouldn’t have been scared though, right?
I’d just cried on her shoulder. But… I was.
I was afraid to show her more weakness. Me and vulnerability, boy. We did not get along.
Eventually, after a couple of minutes of silence, I told her.
“It’s not just that,” I said. “I’m afraid of a lot of things, Chanté, shit.
I don’t…” I paused and shrugged. “I don’t know what life without him will look like.
I have four kids. Four! I… I’m afraid of being alone.
I don’t…. I don’t see a happily ever after for me.
Who’s going to want me? A broken, divorced mother of four. ”
“It’s scary but you’re more than just that.
You’re a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman with a lot going on for herself.
You’re not broken. You’re bruised. Stop talking about yourself like that.
We don’t do that here. We don’t do that, ever.
” She paused and tilted her head a little to catch my eyes since they were focused on the carpet. “You hear me? Chin up, queen.”
I lifted my head, took a deep breath, and nodded.
I was more than just a mother of four. Chanté was right.
I couldn’t let the fear of the unknown hold me back.
The longer I stayed married to Duke, the longer I stayed spiritually bonded to him, and I needed all ties cut.
Despite what I wanted, I had to do what was necessary.
What I deserved. What she deserved. That version of Mahogany who’d been trying for years on top of years for no reason.
I thought therapy would ruin my day, but I was wrong. Therapy gave me a hug, comfort, and reassurance I needed.