Chapter 27
DUKE
“Thanks ma, I appreciate it. I will be back to get her right after work,” I said to my ma, standing at the front door, getting ready to leave.
“I know the drill,” she said, holding the door open for me.
Kneeling, I kissed Diary on the forehead and told her I would be back in a couple hours. She wrapped her arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder. “Okay.”
“Be good for Ms. Adena, alright? If she tell you to do something, you do it. No back talk.”
“Okay, Mr. Duke,” she said, pulling away from the hug.
The last time she was here, she gave moms such a hard time that she threatened not to keep her anymore.
Diary was used to being the only child and didn’t play well with others.
She needed to get that in order quick because she had four other siblings and a shit ton of cousins to play with now.
It was a transition for her though, so I was patient.
I just needed moms to be patient with her.
Shit was moving swiftly. Diary was staying with me full time now.
Ms. Rochelle was on her way to a nursing home.
Her health was steady declining, so she needed care around the clock.
Everything seemed to work out just right.
Imagine me still hiding Diary with what’s going on with Ms. Rochelle?
I would have had to tell Mahogany eventually because Diary wouldn’t have had anywhere to go.
Imagine me not being set up at my own spot with that happening.
You know how fucked up it would have been?
Asking Mahogany to let my outside baby stay with us?
After telling Diary goodbye again, I left out of the house and headed to work.
Although things were moving swiftly, it was still a transition I was adjusting to.
I went from having help in the morning with the kids to handling everything between getting her dressed and making sure she was fed.
On top of that, I had to travel twenty-five minutes every morning to drop her off at moms first. So that meant I had to get up at the crack of ass just to make sure I made it to work on time.
The first week, I thought about Mahogany and how she’d made it seem so easy, getting up at five, getting the kids ready, having her morning tea and shit.
Doing it with a smile and sometimes even a couple of jokes.
I missed her.
Yeah. She fucked another nigga.
But I missed her like fucking crazy. It’d been damn near a month since I moved out, and every day was still spent thinking about her.
Thinking about what I could have and should have done differently to make us work.
I had deep regrets. Deep regrets that kept me up at night.
Shit ran through my mind so much that sometimes my alarm would sound, and I hadn’t slept at all.
It was crazy what the divorce was doing to me.
There was an emptiness that I didn’t think would ever be filled.
The other night it was so bad, I got on my knees and prayed, asking God to take the thought of my wife out of my mind.
Yeah, she was still my wife. Divorce hadn’t been finalized yet.
Anyway... yeah... I cried, on my knees to God about the shit it was so bad.
I had to stop myself from texting her a couple of times a day.
Sometimes I wanted to move past what happened.
Had even asked God to help me forgive her for what she did.
I felt like... shit... if I could move past what she did, we could have a chance right?
That was delusion though. Mahogany wasn’t even talking to me.
She hadn’t called or texted. Shit was very weird, not talking to her.
I had to settle for hearing the sound of her voice in the background when I called the kids.
Sometimes I’d hope they were around her when I called just so I could hear her.
Hearing the smile in her voice when she talked to them made me smile.
Made me miss her more. But made me smile still.
Sometimes I sit on the phone with them, with my eyes closed, envisioning her busying around the house. .. that smile on her chocolate face.
It hurt more than I imagined, to be honest. A lot more.
I felt like it only hurt as much as it did because I caught her cheating.
If she would have just divorced me and I never saw that shit, I probably would have been halfway decent because this was just the fall out behind the shit I did.
Still... it would have fucked me up, but nothing hurt more than her giving her body to another nigga.
I thought Mahogany was mine. I didn’t think she was capable of doing what she did.
The fact that she did tell me she was further out of the relationship than I thought.
Things with the kids were rocky. I expected such.
But what I didn’t expect was for them to decline coming over as often.
Yeah. Getting them to the condo was kind of hard.
Sparkle was the only one excited about coming over.
The other three knew exactly what I’d done, so they were apprehensive.
I understood and told myself to be as patient with them as I had to be with Diary and the transition.
I just didn’t know how much longer I could go without having that old connection with them.
Shit with Aubry was the worst. I hadn’t spoken to her since she met Diary.
All of my texts and calls went unanswered.
I had to accept hearing how she was doing from her siblings.
Gabe was short with me. We didn’t talk about sports like that anymore.
Anytime I called his answers were flat and dry.
There was no excitement in his voice. The only one besides Sparkle that gave me a little love was Honesty.
She was sad mostly but always told me she loved me and that she missed me.
I was getting in the car when my phone rang.
I fished it from my pocket and frowned at the sight of the therapist, Nicole name.
Fuck? I hadn’t gotten a call from her in a nice ass minute.
To stop another one from coming through, I answered.
Might as well tell her we didn’t need a marital counselor anymore.
“Hello?” I said, closing the car door behind me.
“Hey, Duke?” Nicole said.
“Yeah, wassup Nikki? Mahogany and I are getting a divorce so—
“Oh no,” she interrupted. “That’s why I haven’t seen you two, huh?”
“Yeah,” I somberly said.
Saying that shit out loud still fucked with me.
And probably would for the rest of my life.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. We were supposed to work through our problems and grow old together.
If Diary never happened, we would have. I felt that in my spirit.
But... it was later for regrets and shit.
I couldn’t sit around hating the fact that I got Erika pregnant. Diary was here and that was that.
“Well, listen,” Nicole said. “I’m not just a marital therapist. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always make an appointment. Okay? Based off our last session I’d say you needed someone to talk to.”
I told her alright and we got off. When I hung up, I thought about what she said.
I did need somebody to talk to. I was going through a lot.
Had suffered a lost I wasn’t prepared for.
Had been thrown into a new life because of it.
I was drowning, still and I did need a life raft.
If not for me, for my kids. They needed me back at one hundred percent and these days I was barely functioning at a forty.
The only reason I got up in the morning was because I had to.
If I didn’t have responsibilities and shit, I’d stay in bed.
And on the days that I didn’t have to work, that’s what I did.
Laid in bed, letting Diary do what she wanted to.
She ran around, full off microwaved dinners and junk food most of the time over the weekend.
I didn’t spend time getting to know her.
I didn’t play with her like I used to with my other kids.
And if on the rare occasion they were over that weekend, I still stayed in bed.
I just let them do them while I laid there thinking about Mahogany and what I missed about her.
A nigga was depressed.
I wasn’t ashamed to admit it. I’d never been depressed in my life, but I knew that's what it was. I didn’t genuinely smile.
I wasn’t happy. I was just existing and that’s not the way I wanted to live for the rest of my life.
I said losing her would be like losing myself and that’s exactly what it had been like.
I wasn’t living. Couldn’t for real. Not without my heart.
But like I said, I couldn’t carry on like this.
I needed to find a way out. And maybe the first step in that direction would be through therapy.
Didn't know if I would fuck with Nikki though. I’d probably look into someone else. Start fresh.
“Good morning, Duke,” said my coworker, Juanita, standing in the doorway of my office.
I looked up from the computer screen and rubbed my eyes. “What up, Juanita?”
She walked into the office and closed the door behind her. “I was thinking about going to Chili’s for lunch. You wanna come with me?”
I stretched. Was tired as hell. Barely slept last night and had to be up early to get Diary ready for ma’s crib. “Nah, I’m good, Juanita. I appreciate it though.”
She poked her bottom lip out and nodded. “Okay. I’m just asking because I see you don’t bring lunches anymore and… something seems a little different about you.”
Nobody at work knew about the divorce. Fuck would they? I didn’t go around broadcasting shit. I kept my personal life and work life separate. These muthafuckas loved to gossip. I wasn’t about to be the topic of conversation. Fuck no.
“Something seems a lil different, huh?” I asked with a snort. “I’m cool.”
She squinted. “Are you though?”