Chapter 20
June 3rd, 1898, Eagle Creek, Montana
“It is so lovely to see you,” Meredith said as she welcomed Rachel onto the broad porch of her home. They sat down in the rocking chairs looking out over the yard and the fields beyond. There were a handful of pregnant cows in the one closest to the house.
“Aren’t they a little late calving?” Rachel asked.
“Yes, we calved most of the herd in April, but those ladies managed to meet up with the bull when they weren’t supposed to. We’d not intended them to calf this year, as they’d not been too well after their last ones. They were supposed to be enjoying a well-earned rest.”
Rachel smiled at the thought, it reminded her a little of her mother. If anyone had told her to stop having babies, she’d have laughed at them and found a way to have another. “Some women just like to be pregnant, I guess.”
“Not me. I am done with that, at least I pray that I am,” Meredith said. “I’ve got more than enough children to be looking after now.” She poured two glasses of lemonade from a large jug on the table beside her and passed one to Rachel. “Now, what have you come all this way to see me for?”
Rachel took a deep breath. “I can’t keep writing to Matthew,” she said simply.
“Whyever not? What about Elise?”
“I know that I promised, but I can’t keep doing it. I learned something, and it was shared with Caitlin in confidence so please do not ask me to tell you what it is, but I cannot lie to him anymore. I won’t.”
“Oh,” Meredith said, clearly unsure how to respond. “Well, what do we do now?”
“I don’t know.”
“I saw you two at the dance, on May Day. You looked like a couple in love already. He was clearly put out about you being with David.”
“He wasn’t, not like that. He was just being protective, like a big brother,” Rachell protested.
“Looked like a jealous man to me, and does every Sunday when you walk on by with David and not him.”
“You’re mistaken,” Rachel said, twisting her glass round in her hands, unable to look Meredith in the eye. “It just isn’t like that.”
“Isn’t it? Don’t tell me you don’t have feelings for him, because the way you’re fidgeting with that glass tells me you do.”
“And what does that matter?” Rachel asked. “He’s not going to stay here. He’s got interviews lined up all month for people to replace him once Andrew’s well. He’s not the kind to settle anywhere and I’m done moving around. David is sweet and kind, he adores me, and he wants to make a home, here in Eagle Creek and raise book-loving babies. That’s what I want, and he’s offering that to me. Matthew isn’t. Should I wait around, praying that one day Matthew might see sense and change?”
“No, I suppose you shouldn’t, but is it fair to David that he’s only ever going to be your second choice? For if Matthew would change, if he stayed, if he asked you to, you’d marry him in a heartbeat.”
“No, it probably isn’t fair, which is why I’ve not said yes to David, though he asked me a fortnight ago.” Rachel sagged back into the armchair and shook her head. “What should I do? Should I be honest with him, with Matthew? If you’re wrong, I look a fool in front of Matthew and our working relationship will be ruined. If I tell David it will break his heart. So, where will telling the truth to either of them leave me? David has lived here his entire life, could I stay here knowing it would hurt him? Matthew is leaving, so any loss of face could be managed for the short while he has left, I suppose, but I will die inside, just a little bit more every time I see him. And if Matthew doesn’t fall in love with someone, anyone, then Elise and Tom will have to give away money they don’t have, and I can’t do anything to stop any of it.”
“Oh, Rachel. What a pickle!” Meredith said softly. “I don’t think there is an easy solution. But I think I need to have a word with Tom, to see if he will consider talking to Matthew about stopping this silly bet before it sends Elise to an early grave from worry.”
“Why we didn’t just try and do that to begin with, I will never know. It could have saved so much trouble. I would not know the things I know, and I wouldn’t have had to write the letter I just wrote to Matthew, and I wouldn’t be walking out with David, and Andrew might not be lying in a bed, his leg sliced almost in two.”
“Rachel, stop this. You are not responsible for everything that has happened since you got here. You have to just try and focus on the things that you are responsible for, and deal with them.”
“I have to tell David, don’t I?”
“Perhaps don’t mention that you’re in love with Matthew, but I think you need to tell him that he needs to look elsewhere,” Meredith said candidly.
Rachel nodded. She began to cry, great wracking sobs that left her nose blocked and her face red. Meredith leaned over and put an arm around her shoulders, pulling Rachel’s head down onto her shoulder. “You’ve been through hell,” she said softly. “I’m not surprised you don’t know your up from your down. The entire town has relied on the four of you to get us through the worst time I’ve ever known here, and you’ve still not really had time to rest or deal with how that must have felt, because there is never any rest for you. The sooner we have that hospital and more doctors and nurses to share that burden, the better. So, you just cry all you need to.”
Rachel nodded and let herself feel all of it, the hurt and heartbreak that Matthew would never be able to love her or anyone and the stress and strain of the influenza outbreak. She missed her family. She wished that Papa was here to hold her and dry her tears. Meredith was wonderful, but she wasn’t her Papa. “I think I should go home for a while, to Topeka to see my family,” she whispered, mostly to herself.
“Maybe you should,” Meredith said. “But not for too long, if you do. This is your home now, remember.”
Rachel smiled weakly through her tears. “I remember,” she said.
June 21st, 1898, Eagle Creek, Montana
Matthew had been fretting since the moment he had mailed his last letter to Caitlin. He had regretted writing all that he had done almost immediately. But what was said was said. He could not take it back now. Every day without a letter from her made him worry more that she no longer wished to continue their correspondence. He had to confess that he would not wish to write to someone with such a dark past, or such a bleak future. Certain that he was going to lose her, he grew more morose each day.
And every Sunday in May, he’d grown more frustrated as he watched David Aldwyn walk with Rachel after church. Often, they hadn’t even got back in time for lunch, leaving an empty space at the small table at Mrs. Garfield’s that had seemed to grow larger every week. And then she’d announced, with no warning at all that she was going to visit her family and nobody had heard anything from her since she’d left. He had missed his chance with her, because he had not even noticed that he wanted one. He had been too caught up in the influenza outbreak and the bet to even notice what had been right beside him all along. And with that stupid, honest letter he’d sent, in a moment of foolishness he had ruined everything with Caitlin, too. He was a wrecker.
“You have to cheer up,” Andrew scolded him when Matthew called on him to check his wound. “Seeing a doctor is miserable enough, without him looking as though he is hounded by every devil in hell.”
“You’re right,” Matthew said, as he carefully inspected the scar on Andrew’s leg. It had healed beautifully, and Matthew was secretly rather proud of how neat his stitching had been. “I think you may be sufficiently healed to consider getting some gentle exercise.”
“Oh, I am so glad to hear you say that. I’ve been telling Marsha that I’ve healed for days, but she keeps insisting I am not to do anything until you say I can. I’ve been half out of my mind with boredom.”
“Well, no longer. Let’s start with getting you on your feet now. It will take some time, you’ll need to master sitting and standing first. I’ll not let you rush. Once you’ve mastered those, you can try walking to the door and back, but no further.”
Matthew handed him a walking stick, and watched as Andrew cautiously edged towards the edge of the bed, then let his legs dangle over the side. He placed his feet onto the floorboards and winced as he put a little pressure on the injured leg. With a grimace, he put his weight onto the stick and pushed upwards, then fell back immediately, crying out with pain. “I did warn you it would take time,” Matthew said gently, helping him to move his legs back onto the bed. “Just keep trying, every hour or so. It’ll come in time.”
“You know, I feel fine when I’m lying here. I really wasn’t expecting it to hurt so much,” Andrew said, still puffing a little from the pain. “I am beginning to think I’ve been too hard on my patients over the years, and pushed them too hard too fast.”
“Healing requires patience, something we doctors tend to lack,” Matthew said with a smile.
“I’ll be walking to that door and back by the weekend. I swear it.”
“I’m sure you will,” Matthew said.
“Now, to the important things. Have you heard anything from Rachel?
“Not a word, but if you want news of her, you might be better asking David Aldwyn,” Matthew said, hoping to extricate himself from the conversation as quickly as possible.
“You haven’t heard? She ended things with him before she left.”
“She did?” Matthew asked, trying to hide the delight he felt inside at the news from Andrew’s eagle eyed stare.
He shook his head. “You young’uns are so foolish. You think you’re so clever, but all that cleverness and you don’t see what’s right under your noses.”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”
“And I’m sure that you do,” Andrew said. “Why did you never say anything to her before she went, before she let David begin to court her? I’m sure she has feelings for you, too.”
“Then for once, you would be wrong. I am just a friend to her, perhaps not even really that. I’ve not exactly been that forthcoming about myself with any of you.”
“You’re a private man. That doesn’t mean that you haven’t made genuine friends here, Matthew. There are many that will miss you greatly when you leave, not just me and Maud, and Rachel is going to miss you more than anyone.”
“I am gladdened to know that you will miss me, Andrew,” Matthew said, trying hard to ignore the fact that he was telling him all he longed to hear but didn’t dare to believe. “But I will still be leaving as soon as you are well, and we have found a replacement. I have three candidates coming in the next week. I shall bring them to meet you, if you think you will be well enough to manage it?”
“Pah,” Andrew scoffed. “I can still see through a man, and see his heart without needing my legs to work.”
Matthew agreed and packed up his things to go. He wondered what Andrew would think of him if he truly could see inside Matthew’s heart. He doubted that the kindly older man would still wish to be his friend if he could.
His rounds finished, he returned to the clinic to update the records of the patients he’d just seen. Maud was sitting at her desk. “Letter for you, Alfie delivered it here rather than to the boarding house. I put it on your desk.”
“Thank you,” Matthew said and hurried through to the office that he usually shared with Andrew. He hoped that it was from Caitlin. He needed something to lift his spirits, and her letters had always brought him so much joy, though he doubted that if she had replied to his last letter that her words would be as cheerful as they usually were. She would be quite justified in never writing to him again, he would not have blamed her for such a choice.
When he saw her handwriting on the envelope, he almost cried. She hadn’t just decided to stop writing. With trembling fingers, he opened the letter and spread it out on the desk in front of him.
Dear Dr. Inglis,
I must confess, that I was not expecting to receive such a letter from you. I am honored that you felt able to tell me such deeply personal things. It must have been so very hard for you to have to endure all of that.
Firstly, I would like to say that I will be keeping your injured friend in my prayers. It must have been very difficult to see him that way, and be the only person able to help him. I hope that his recovery is progressing well.
I cannot say that I understand your pain. I have never gone through such things, and can barely imagine what it must have been like for such a young boy to have to grow up so fast, to learn things that would have been better he’d never known.
I don’t blame you for your anger, or your need for revenge as a young man. It was most certainly justified. I am only sorry that it follows you to this day, dogging your steps so you can never truly leave it behind you. Knowing this, I can now understand your reluctance to settle anywhere, or to build friendships, or to take a wife. It must be so hard for you to trust anyone.
And so, having learned all of this, I find that I must ask if you truly are looking for a wife?
In the spirit of honesty you have shown me, I feel that I must be as candid, and must confess, that while I am keen to enjoy adventures and am perhaps more open-minded about many things than many young ladies might be, I am not sure that I wish to spend the rest of my life, running from your past. I doubt many women would.
I do hope you will not mind me saying, that perhaps you might be ready to settle down, if you continue to explore your past and the legacy it has left you carrying, but I am not sure that the time is right for you yet. I do so hope that you will find peace soon, for I fear for your happiness if you do not.
I know we have never met, but I feel very close to you, and would like to offer you my hand in friendship. I will gladly be your rock, but I think I must withdraw my hope to one day become your wife.
Yours, most faithfully
Caitlin
She had been more gracious than he deserved, and he was grateful for that. He had placed her in a most difficult predicament. She was a lively, bright young lady who was looking for a husband and a family. She did not deserve to be burdened with his darkness. He had sent her down into a pit, to join him if she dared. He could not blame her for not wanting to do so. A tear fell onto his cheek. He wiped it away. She had offered him friendship, and it was more than he deserved. He would not force her to abide by such a generous offer.