Chapter 21
June 22nd, 1898, Sioux Falls, South Dakota
It had not been the easiest journey, but the closer she drew to her family in Topeka, the more she wanted to turn around and go back to deal with the chaos she had left behind her. She felt like such a coward, for having walked away from everything. Poor David had been so shocked when she’d told him that she couldn’t accept his proposal. He had been so sure that he had done something wrong, and though she had tried hard to convince him that the fault was entirely hers, she knew that he had not believed her. She wished that she could have loved him. It would have been so much easier if she had. He was sweet and kind, and he wanted all the things that she did. But he wasn’t Matthew.
As for Matthew, she wondered if he had received Caitlin’s letter yet. She knew that he would be hurt when he did, but she couldn’t keep lying to him. Caitlin did not exist, and he had clearly come to care for her deeply, otherwise he would never have shared all that he had with her. Rachel felt terrible that she had let him open his heart and his past to a phantom. He had been lied to over and over again, hurt over and over again. And she had lied to him and hurt him too, just like everyone else he should have been able to trust.
How could she go back to her family, to be enveloped in their love, knowing she had caused so much pain? She reached for her bag in the rack overhead, hurried along the corridor, and climbed down off the train just as the guard had blown the whistle to send it on its way. He glared at her. Just one more person she’d upset, she really was building up quite a list. She made her way into the station building and swapped her ticket, then crossed to the other platform to wait for the next train going north.
It took an hour, and when it arrived there were no empty compartments. She took a seat eventually in one with a kindly looking elderly lady and her grandson. “How far are you traveling?” she asked them.
“Oh, just as far as Rapid City,” the grandson replied. “How about you?”
“Up past Billings,” she said with a wry smile.
“That’s quite a journey,” the older woman said. “And all alone. I’m quite envious of you young ladies, the things you do these days. I wouldn’t have dared to in my day.”
“Don’t listen to a word of it,” the young man said. “Grandmother was quite the rebel in her day.”
“Oh, I would be delighted to hear the stories,” Rachel said. “I’m Rachel Falmer, by the way. I’m a nurse.”
“Edna Newson, and this is Freddie,” the old woman said. “We need to marry him off. I don’t suppose you’re looking for a husband are you? He’s quite neat and tidy, well-mannered, but has a stubborn side.”
“Well, with that charming introduction, I’m sure Miss Falmer will be swooning for me in no time, Grandmother,” Freddie said with a grin. He clearly adored her, and didn’t mind one bit her teasing him.
“It is quite a tempting offer, I must say, but I will have to decline, I’m afraid. I hope I will not break your heart, Mr. Newson?”
“Not at all,” he said good-naturedly. “Though the lady with the refreshments might, if she doesn’t have any boiled sweets. I love them with all my heart.”
“They do help make a long journey pass more pleasantly,” Rachel agreed.
Their introductions made, Rachel sat back and enjoyed listening to Mrs. Newson’s stories and tall tales. They were made all the more scandalous and amusing by Freddie’s interjections. She dined with them, and was sad to see them leave the train when they reached Rapid City. The compartment seemed cold and empty without them, so she was glad when a smart looking gentleman with a white beard joined her just a few stops further along the line. He wasn’t so talkative, though he was happy to tell her about the book he was reading when she asked, and they shared snippets of conversation about other books they had both read. He got off when they stopped at Sheridan, and Rachel was alone once more.
Left with no company but her own thoughts, Rachel tried not to think too much about how Matthew would react when he learned the truth. Even though it was the last thing she wanted to do, she knew she had to, because if she did not, she would be just another person who had claimed to care that lied to him. She knew he would be hurt. She knew that he would never trust her again. She knew that he would leave and never come back. But she had to do it.
As the train passed over the state border into Montana, Rachel’s belly felt like a writhing pit of snakes had taken up residence there. They seemed to grow more active the closer the train drew to Billings, where she disembarked and waited for the train to Eagle Creek. She recognized a few faces on the train, but didn’t join any of them, choosing to take a seat alone at the end of the carriage. She hoped they did not think her too rude, but she knew that she was no kind of company right now. Until she had seen Matthew and said what she needed to say, she would not be able to even think about anything else.
July 9th, 1898, Eagle Creek, Montana
The sound of the train whistle in the distance made Matthew stop for a moment, as he gathered wood for the stove in the kitchen. Mrs. Garfield had hurt her wrist, so he’d been making sure she had a full basket before he went to the clinic every day. He finished loading it and took it inside. “Now, do you have time for a spot of breakfast before you go?” Mrs. Garfield asked him. “I can make you some eggs. They only need one hand.”
Matthew smiled. “I’ve already had some bread and cheese,” he assured her. “Now, you rest. Mrs. Merryweather will be in later to help you with the cleaning, and the baker said he’d drop a pie off for our supper tonight.”
“You’re a good man, Matthew. I shall be sad to say goodbye to you when it’s time.”
“And I will miss you terribly. I’ve never had anyone care for me as well as you,” Matthew said quite truthfully. Mrs. Garfield had treated both him and Rachel as if they were her children from the very start, claiming that it was on Mayor Holroyd’s orders, but he knew that she just liked having people to take care of.
He was about to put on his coat when the door burst open. He was stunned to see Rachel standing in the doorway, and it seemed she was just as surprised to see him, too. “I thought you were in Topeka,” he managed eventually.
“I thought you’d be at the clinic already.”
“Well, now we’ve established that neither of us is where the other thought we should be, shall we start again?” Matthew said with a grin.
“Please, don’t be nice to me,” Rachel begged. “I don’t deserve it.”
“Whatever are you talking about? Of course you deserve it.”
“No, I don’t,” she said, grabbing him and pulling him outside as he pulled on his coat. “I’ve done something I shouldn’t have done, and you will hate me when you know.”
“Rachel, please, stop this,” he begged as she continued to drag him down the street, towards the churchyard. “Where are we going?”
“Where nobody else can hear us,” she said as if that made all the sense in the world.
“Rachel, whatever is upsetting you, just tell me,” he said grabbing her arms and holding her still. She refused to look at him. “Whatever has gotten into you? You’re the calm one. I’ve never seen you this worked up about anything. What is it? Tell me. I can’t help if I don’t know what it is.”
“Not here,” she insisted, her eyes darting around them, as a cart passed them by and its driver waved to them cheerily. Matthew waved back, then turned back to Rachel.
“The path down to the creek, it’s quiet and there’ll be nobody there at this time of day,” he said, tucking her arm through his. “Now, at least try and act normally until we get there.”
Trying to quell his curiosity, knowing she wouldn’t say a word until they were out of sight, Matthew wondered what could possibly have happened to make Rachel lose control of her senses. She seemed most erratic. But as they turned off Main Street and onto the tree-lined pathway towards the creek, she remained just as agitated. She stopped walking when they reached a clearing, and she turned to face him and took a deep breath and straightened her spine.
“Matthew, I have lied to you and I have to tell you because I know how badly lies have affected you in the past.”
“I… what?” Matthew asked. “I don’t understand.” How could she possibly know how much lies had ruined his life? He’d only ever told one person, and then it all started to fall into place in his head. Caitlin didn’t really like coffee so she drank it with lots of sugar, so did Rachel. Caitlin was a nurse, so was Rachel. Caitlin was one of seven siblings, so was Rachel. Caitlin lived in Sheridan, Rachel had lived there before she came to Eagle Creek. Rachel was Caitlin. Rachel knew everything.
He stared at her. “Why would you do this? Did you think me some kind of joke? Oh, poor Matthew, has to advertise to find a bride,” he sneered.
“No, it wasn’t like that. I promise you,” she said, her eyes full of tears, her hands clasped together as she pleaded for him to believe her. But why should he trust a single word she said now, after all these months of her lies?
“I’ll bet you thought it quite hilarious that I couldn’t tell my so-called friend about my past, but I could tell Caitlin, didn’t you. And who else have you told? Does everyone know that I am the very worst kind of man now?”
“I’ve told no-one, and never will,” she assured him. “Your secrets are yours to tell, should you wish to. I am only sorry I didn’t know all of it before I agreed to help Elise.”
“Help Elise? How does writing to me help Elise?”
“She and Tom can’t afford to pay the fifty dollars to you and Tom bet on whether or not you’d fall in love within a year,” Rachel said baldly. “And that wasn’t my secret to tell, either. But if you are even half the man I believe you’ve become – whatever your sins in your past – then I know you’ll do something about that. You’ll not put a man and his family into poverty over something so foolish.”
“You’re hardly in a position to lecture me on what is decent,” Matthew retorted.
“I did it to help out a friend. I lied because Elise has been beside herself with worry over this. You took a bet on love. You were so convinced that you would never fall for anyone, not caring who that might hurt as you wrote those letters to all those women. Women who longed for a husband and family, and you thought them irrelevant, as you didn’t know them and didn’t want them anyway.” Her eyes were wide and her voice shriller and louder than he’d ever heard it.
“I took the bet because I didn’t believe love would come my way, not that I didn’t want it,” Matthew yelled back. “You think because you’ve heard me say I don’t want to settle down, I need to keep moving, that I don’t want a wife, that I actually meant it? I’ve been telling myself that for years, to remind myself not to let anyone close, so I don’t ruin their lives, too, like I ruined my mother’s. Like I ruined my father’s family’s. Didn’t you read the letter I sent to Caitlin at all? Didn’t you see how much I want it, need it, crave it? I wanted to believe I could find it so much that I trusted her with the very worst of me. And she turned me away.” He paused. “Or rather, you pushed me away,” he finished quietly.
“Because I couldn’t keep lying to you and I knew how much it would hurt you when you knew.”
“And so you ran away. Because that’s why you went, isn’t it? So you didn’t have to see the pain that your letter would bring me? And now you’re back, and telling me everything anyway. Why? Who does it help? It certainly hasn’t made me feel better, and from the tears pouring down your face, you’re not feeling so great, either. So, now everyone’s hurt and what for? A fifty dollar bet, that I would have gladly paid out on, should I have been blessed to find someone to love, who loved me back.”
Rachel stared at him. “I’m so sorry,” she said softly. “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I really am so very sorry.”
“Well, you’ll not have to see me for much longer. Andrew is strong enough to return to work, I’ve never seen anyone more determined to be so, and my replacement starts tomorrow, so I’ll be leaving at the end of the week.” He turned and fled, not back to town, but into the woodland surrounding them. He listened to see if she had followed him, but he could hear nothing. He sank down against a fallen tree trunk and let the tears he’d held inside for so very, very long fall down his cheeks. He cried for the little boy he’d been, left alone and unloved. He cried for the young man he’d become, who never fit in. He cried for the loneliness and mistrust he’d felt for everyone around him, all his life. And he cried for the loss of Rachel and Caitlin. For they were one, and he had loved them both. And she had betrayed him, just like everyone else had.