Chapter Five
Cliff tasted like heaven, and Dade couldn’t get enough. “Should we take this…?” Cliff began, but Dade shook his head. “What?”
“It’s too soon,” Dade whispered. “I know what you want, and I understand… believe me. But things need to be slow.” Part of him wanted to take Cliff by the hand and lead him to the bedroom, but the other part urged caution.
He had to be sure. “I’m not in the habit of jumping into bed.
You know where we started, and it wasn’t that long ago. ”
“So, we slow things down?” Cliff asked.
“Yeah, we take it slow. There isn’t a need to rush into anything, and….” His experiences in the past hadn’t been exactly fulfilling, and he wanted things with Cliff to be different.
“Okay. I understand that.” Cliff didn’t move away and held him, only now some of the tension between them seemed to have changed.
It was hard for Dade to read if it was good or not, but he told himself that if Cliff didn’t want to see him anymore because he wasn’t ready for sex yet, then maybe it was for the best. “We don’t need to rush into anything. ”
“Good.” Dade rested his head on Cliff’s shoulder, and he just held him.
It felt good to be cared for without the need for sex.
Dade loved sex—he hoped Cliff didn’t think otherwise.
But he had made the mistake of rushing into it in other relationships.
“I don’t want things to go the way things have in the past.”
“I know. And I can certainly wait. Patience is one of my strong suits. At least within certain areas.”
Dade tilted his face upward. “How so?”
“I’m the XO, the executive officer, so sometimes impatience is part of the job, and I’m very good at it. Some things can be done over time, but others need to be finished now. That’s how I live my life. So patient impatience is a part of my everyday life.”
“Do you get along with your colonel?” Dade asked.
“Yeah. I told him we were dating, and he said that he wanted to have both of us over for dinner. Colonel Donaldson is one of those people I trust. He looks out for me, and it’s my job to make him look good.
The two of us are a team, and I can pretty much tell what he wants a lot of the time.
I handle a lot of issues before they even reach his desk, and he relies on me for that. ”
“I know how things work most of the time. I was raised in that environment. And I’m glad you get along with him. That makes things much easier for both of you. Though you’re the one with the really hard job, because everything rests on your shoulders.”
“It does. But I’m okay with that. You understand leadership.
You use it every day in your classroom, and the buck stops with you too.
I doubt people look at it that way, but it’s true.
If something happens in your classroom, you’re the one in the hotseat, and you have to explain it and deal with parents and the administration.
I have to do the same thing, to a degree.
My job is to make sure that my colonel doesn’t have to do the explaining. ”
They stood quietly as the rain fell outside, the wind pelting the rain against the windows.
“I love days like these. You can stay inside with pillows and blankets, watch movies, and not feel guilty about it,” Dade said softly.
“As a kid, though, I had to do it when my father wasn’t around.
If he thought we were wasting time or a day, he’d find something for us to do. ”
“Does the man not have fun?” Cliff asked.
“Yeah, of his kind. See, my father’s idea of fun was combat in the desert.
Nothing gave him more pleasure than the years he spent commanding platoons and battalions.
It made him feel alive, and he couldn’t figure out why we weren’t all itching to follow him.
Thankfully, Mom stayed with us in Europe while he soldiered all over the world.
” Dammit, he hadn’t wanted to keep talking about his father.
“Anyway, he’s not here, and we are. So why don’t you find something for us to watch, and we can spend a quiet afternoon on the sofa.
” He slipped away and went to the linen closet.
He got a couple light blankets and a few pillows, then returned to the living room.
They made themselves comfortable on the sofa, and Cliff put on a Netflix movie about a guy drafted into a secret society in order to keep international secrets out of the wrong hands.
About halfway through, Dade paused the movie and got drinks, as well as a bag of chips, because what’s a movie without snacks?
“You know what you’re missing?”
“What?”
“A dog,” Cliff told him. “I mean, could you imagine a small one curled up next to you while you watch?”
Dade smiled. “I always wanted one, but….” He caught himself before he went on.
“Let me guess. Your father would never let you have one.”
Dade touched his nose. “Got it in one. He always said that we moved too much and it wouldn’t be fair on the dog.
” He was so tempted to go on, but he didn’t.
There was no need, and all it would do was ruin the time they had together.
“I always thought that once I was on my own, I would be able to let all of this go. But it turns out that I have a lot more issues than I thought.”
“You could find someone to talk to. I mean, you’re holding on to a lot of stuff, and sometimes talking to some about it can help.”
“Is this coming from experience?” He asked it to be funny, but his smile faded when Cliff nodded.
“Yeah. I saw combat the first year I got out of the academy. I can’t say where, but I saw plenty of it.
I watched friends get shot. My roommate at West Point my junior year was killed.
Our platoons were working to together when an enemy sniper got him.
” Cliff made a face. “You really don’t want to hear about this. ”
“Actually, if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen.
My father never talked about any details of his assignments.
He never brought maneuvers or any combat experience home with him.
At least not to my sister and me. I know he talked to Mom about it because she made him.
He would have kept it all from us if he could. ”
“Yeah. That’s typical. Most of the guys I served with never shared what happened with their families. I don’t think they could understand, and it’s something most of us don’t want to foist on them. Combat is ugly, and it’s terrible. We saw it and lived it. Our families don’t need to.”
Dade knew that was the way things were. “My father told me that when I asked him. It was the one time I can remember when the two of us actually sat down and had a frank talk. I suppose it was because we were talking about military stuff. But he and I were in his office at the house, and he told me that same thing. Then he said that I would understand once I was in command of my first platoon.”
“How old were you?”
“Maybe fourteen. I know things between my father and me aren’t all his fault.
That was about the same time I realized I was gay.
So, it was the double whammy. I was gay, which I didn’t think my father would understand, and I had no interest in the army.
Two strikes. So maybe I pulled away from him, I don’t know, but I spent a lot more time with my mother.
And in school most of my friends were girls.
There was a hell of a lot less pressure there.
” Dade groaned. “God, I need to stop talking about my old man.” He took a deep breath.
“I sound like a damned broken record. “So, tell me what happened.” He settled back on the sofa as the television went to sleep, and the room grew darker.
“We were on patrol together. Wings was maybe ten feet ahead of me. Our platoons had fanned out, and the two of us were watching for threats. The first sign of anything was Wings’s head exploding right in front of me.
Then all hell broke loose.” He took a deep breath, and Dade held his hands and waited.
Dade knew this was going to be difficult for Cliff, and he wouldn’t be surprised if he simply shut that box in his mind once more.
“I was so proud of the platoons. The men spread out and surrounded the sniper, who kept taking shots at us. Then with a click from next to me, it was over. Someone from the other platoon took him out, and the rest of us cleared the area. They acted like the well-trained men they were.”
“You knew he was dead right away?”
Cliff nodded. “There wasn’t much left of his head.
We all knew. So, we got the job done, wrapped his head, and took him back to the medics at our post. I had nightmares about it for months.
But I couldn’t tell any of the men. They needed to have confidence in me, and that meant being strong for them as well as myself.
The dreams abated… but returned when I was rotated home.
So, I found a therapist where I was posted, and we talked a lot.
Wings’s death wasn’t the only thing that I saw and had to deal with.
The one thing the therapist told me was that talking about it was the best thing I could do. Holding it in wasn’t helping anyone.”
“And you think I should find someone to talk to about my father? Dade asked.
Cliff nodded. “There is a therapist on post here. Her name is Erica, and she’s very good.
She’s not the person I spoke with, but I know she’s good, and as a family member of an active or retired service member, you’re entitled to services, especially if they relate directly to the military.
” He squeezed Dade’s hands. “I won’t make an appointment for you or say anything more about it.
This is up to you. But I’ll give you her phone number if you’d like. ”
And just like that, Dade sighed and realized just how different Cliff and his father were. Cliff let him make his own decisions and didn’t try to issue orders about everything. “I’ll give it some thought.”