Chapter Five #2
“Good. If nothing else, she’ll listen, and maybe she can give you some tools that will help you make peace with your father. He is the man he is, and you are the person you are. I doubt he’s going to change.”
“So, I should just give in to him?”
Cliff shook his head. “Nope. But having tools to deal with it will only make you stronger and more confident. I had to learn to deal with my grief and not keep it in a box. It wasn’t just seeing Wings get shot, but losing a close friend, a colleague.” He paused and swallowed.
“A lover?” Dade supplied.
“A past one. Yes. He and I weren’t in that type of relationship at the time, but he and I were together in a way…
for almost two years. But in the end, we found out that we were much better off as friends.
Wings actually had a partner at home. They had been dating for almost two years by the time he was killed.
Mack was a good man and so much better for Wings than I was.
They were soul mates, or at least as close as I have ever seen. Zeph and I….”
Dade shook his head. “I think you lost me.”
“Oh. The guys called him Wings as a nickname. His real name was Zephyr Orpheus Rawlings. His father was some sort of classics scholar, and his mother was a hippy of sorts, and they liked the name. He never told anyone his full name, and as soon as the guys began calling him Wings, he leaned into it in a big way.”
“Was he your first real boyfriend… a guy you loved?” Dade asked, and Cliff nodded seriously.
“Mine was Anthony. It was in college, and we were in the same French class. Man, that boy could speak French better than anyone I have ever met… and he never had to say a word.” He almost giggled at his own little joke.
“He and I lasted a few months, and then things cooled off, and we both ended up sort of wandering away from the relationship. I think you could say it died by mutual consent. It got so hard to keep things going. And we were young and stupid. After that… I don’t know.
Things just didn’t work out, and I tried.
Maybe I tried too hard and got too serious too fast. I’m not sure.
But they always seemed to get tired of me.
” He tried not to sound as pathetic as he felt sometimes.
“Anyway, I think that is enough hand-wringing for the evening,” Cliff said, and Dade agreed. “But I can send you Erica’s information if you’d like.”
“Yeah. Please.” Dade tugged the blankets upward and tried to find a comfortable spot after Cliff restarted the movie. In the end, he found one, in Cliff’s arms, leaning against his chest. That was comfortable, and he sighed and watched the rest of the movie.
The rain picked up and continued well into the evening.
Cliff found another movie, this one about old people who solve murders.
Dade made some sandwiches and carried them into the living room.
They cuddled on the sofa once more and watched that movie and another one.
Dade didn’t remember the names of them because, while he watched the shows, his concentration was taken up by Cliff’s warmth and his hyperawareness that he was there.
Like part of his brain refused to stop acknowledging that he was with Cliff.
Eventually, with his belly full and the movie playing, Dade nodded off and woke once the credits began.
“Sorry. I guess I’ve been up late most of the week trying to make sure that I didn’t get behind.
In middle school and high school, the teachers get a planning hour.
They only have five classes a day instead of six.
But we don’t get that at the elementary level.
Sometimes, if there’s a teacher in the library, I can leave my class with them, but that doesn’t happen very often. ”
“It’s okay. I liked it.” Cliff lightly kissed his hair.
“Did you know that being able to fall asleep with someone is a test of trust? In the field we had to be able to sleep just about anywhere, in the heat of the desert on sand or on a plane that’s bumping around.
It doesn’t matter. You take the opportunity to sleep when you can.
At first, I could never fall asleep. The other guys would, and I’d be awake, watching all of them rest. My CO at the time told me that I had to trust the other men in my unit to watch over me too.
That trust went both ways. And once I got that, I could sleep. ”
“So, are you one of those people who falls asleep on a plane after like five minutes?” Dade asked.
“Actually, I am. You put me on a plane, and I fall right to sleep. It’s hours sitting in a seat with nothing to do, so I just go to sleep.
Even in this job as XO, there are days when I work a godawful number of hours, and it can be nice to get home and just go to sleep.
” He held Dade a little tighter, and he liked it, feeling safe in his arms.
“What’s the weirdest place you’ve fallen asleep?
” Dade asked. He was getting more and more curious about Cliff’s life.
It had some similarities to the one he knew growing up with his father, but there were definite differences.
He got the impression that Cliff loved his job and his life, but it wasn’t the only thing.
“I don’t know. Maybe the time I went into the bathroom after working, like, twenty hours to solve an issue for my boss.
I went in, sat down, leaned against the wall, and fell asleep for like an hour.
Thankfully, there were so few people in the building that no one noticed, and I went back to work, got the project finished, and then went home. ”
Dade snickered. “Were your pants down the entire time?” Now that would be funny.
“No. I went in there for some quiet, and it’s the one place on post where no one will disturb you.
If someone had come in, I would have snapped awake, taken care of things, and left.
But no one did. And remember, you did ask the weirdest place I had ever slept.
Though you might think that sleeping standing up in a hole in the ground might come in a close second. ”
“Like in a foxhole? Yeah.” He sighed. “I can understand that. I dug my first foxhole when I was nine. Dad took me out and showed me how it was done. You know how most parents share special things with their kids, like take them swimming or maybe windsurfing? I got the pleasure of going foxhole digging.” Damn it all.
He needed to stop running on about his father.
No one cared, and it was a long time ago.
He needed to get over it or else the crap with his father was going to overtake everything.