Chapter 20
TWENTY
It had taken three additional months to kiss the fresh air on the other side of the fence, but that shit was still sweeter. Because there wasn’t shit the system could offer me but an expunged record, eventually, I left nearly empty-handed.
Everything I owned, except my image and the box of letters, I’d given to the men that made my stay more pleasant. Where I was headed, there was no need for anything I’d acquired during my incarceration.
A black Escalade awaited my arrival. Beside it stood Mercer, leaning against the grill that was massive in stature. It was a good fucking day to see either of the men who had come from the same womb as me. I hadn’t gone more than a week without seeing their faces, so a twenty-five-month stint was an all-time high.
Mercer had left us for a few years and Chem was hardly home, but they were the exception. Prior to their encounters with the law, I saw them more often than not. Family was everything for us all. The little we had left, we cherished.
“Ain’t picked up a fucking pound. Were you even eating, nigga?”
“When you’re used to lobster and medium-well steak, it’s a fucking adjustment to have noodles on the daily.”
“Right on. Right on.”
“But nah, a nigga was getting swole than a bitch. After I hit Malachi’s line, I got my ass out of that cell and put that work in. Couldn’t come home with little ass legs and a belly the size of Santa’s.”
“Damn,” Mercer snickered, pulling me in for a hug.
“Nah, you know a nigga exaggerating. Won’t ever catch me slipping like that.”
“I love you, bro. Real shit. Happy you’re home. Never been happier to have your boney ass shoulder pressed against mine.”
“Fuck you!”
I shoved Mercer into his truck, taking a second to recover from his honest comedy.
“I love you, too, bro.”
“Come on. The quicker we get out of this lot, the better off we’ll both be.”
“Shit, you ain’t gotta tell me twice.”
I rounded the truck and hopped my ass in the passenger seat. It didn’t take long to realize Mercer and I weren’t alone. Milo and Malachi sat on opposite sides of the backseat with smiles stretching their cheeks and exposing their teeth.
I was out of the truck in a flash. Chests, hands, backs, and shoulders bumped against one another as we embraced.
“Welcome home, nigga,” Milo asserted. “It’s a good fucking day.”
“Any day I’m seeing you niggas is a good day for me.”
“Welcome home,” Malachi expressed.
His words halted everything around me.
“I finished business,” I told him, wanting nothing more than for him to understand that it had to be done.
Patting his chest, he tilted his head with a nod.
“She’s safe.”
“She’s safe,” I agreed.
“You’re a better man than me, Makai. I commend you one hundred times over.”
“I’m not. Not at all. I’m just a man that had an advantage. Had you had the same, then shit would’ve gone a lot differently.”
“But they had to happen the way they did and I’m okay with that now. I’m okay, Makai.”
There were so many unspoken words twisted and twirled in the last sentence. Letting him know that I understood far beyond his actual expression, I brought his head closer with the back of my hand.
“I know,” I acknowledged. “I know. I see it every time you look at her.”
Shaking his head up and down, Malachi confirmed my observation.
“And I love that shit for you. You deserve that and so much more, bro.”
“I’ve got everything I need right here, man. I can’t ask for another fucking thing. My cup is running over.”
“Understo—”
Screeching tires burning through the lot caught everyone’s attention.
“Who the fuck trying to get they asses locked up with that bullshit on these folks’ lot?” I asked to no one in particular.
They knew just as much as I did. Or, at least that was what I assumed until the silence began revealing otherwise. As the car in question approached us, I waited for someone to draw, but no one budged.
“You niggas turnt pussy or something?”
“Nah, that nigga just shoot back and he don’t miss.”
Lawe emerged from the Hellcat, releasing enough weed smoke to fog a bathroom mirror. The sealed windows no longer concealed the loud music thumping from the speakers. He bobbed his head and moved his body from side to side.
“What’s up, baby?”
“Fuck you doing here, nigga?” Milo questioned.
“You niggas tried to have a little reunion without me. Fuck you, you big ear, fat lip fucker. And fuck you, you suit-wearing bitch. And fuck you, you wide receiver back having, fry cooking ass nigga. Didn’t call me? Well, I still pulled up.”
“Damn, why we gotta be all that?” Milo wondered out loud.
“From this point on, don’t even say shit to me. None of you. What’s up, nigga? You out that motherfucker?”
“You see me standing here in your face, right? Stop asking dumb-ass questions.”
“I see what this is, you niggas ganging up and shit?”
“No, nigga. You just asking the obvious.”
“Hit this and calm your ass down. We’ve got almost an hour drive. I don’t want to be fighting with you. I actually miss you.”
He passed the blunt in his hand. I gladly accepted.
“He’s not riding with you,” Milo disagreed.
“Didn’t I say not to say nothing to me, Dumbo?”
“He’s not,” Malachi concurred.
“Nope.”
“Oh.” Dramatically, Lawe challenged, “Yes the fuck he is.”
“Lawe,” I sighed, knowing exactly how this was about to go.
“Nigga, you want your kneecaps or to ride with them niggas? The choice is yours, but make that motherfucker right now.”
“You for real right now?”
“Did I or did I not say I missed yo’ Black ass?”
He snatched the blunt he’d handed me from my hand.
“You really tripping right now? Right now?”
“Fuck it. You ain’t got to ride with me. I came into this world alone and I’m?—”
“You actually came with Ledge,” I reminded him.
“Whatever the fuck. You know what I’m saying, nigga.”
I took a look at my brothers, who had been expecting me to take the ride home with them. Regretfully, I eased closer to Lawe, letting it be known where I stood.
“Y’all niggas chill and shit. Meanwhile, he’s over here professing his love for me. Y’all not doing enough. I have to go where I feel wanted,” I cracked, backing up until I was on the passenger side of Lawe’s ride.
“Come on now, that jail getting to your head, bro. You making it sound like we in some type of relationship or something.”
“Aren’t we?” I sassed, heightening my tone while sliding into his ride.
“Get out. Get the fuck out of my car.”
“Nope.”
“You going straight back to jail, nigga,” Milo warned.
“Come get me if I do.”
“Nah, we’ll wait another twenty-five months.”
“That’s cool. Chem’s one phone call away, nigga!” I yelled over Lawe as he closed the door.
It hadn’t touched the frame before he was burning the rubber off his tires, clearing the parking lot.
Damn, it feels good to be home .
I didn’t climb out of the shower until my fingers wrinkled and my legs began to hurt from standing so long. The man I stared back at in the mirror no longer resembled a man who was cold, heartless, or on top of the world. This man had plummeted.
The void in my eyes matched the void in my heart, the void in my home, the void in my world. There were no dogs to feed. There was no back to wash. There was no body to press up against. There were no lips to kiss. There were no hugs to give. There was no Glacier.
Reality began settling in quickly. The silence of my home was mind-numbing. But as much as I hated to face it, the quietness meant that things had aligned perfectly. Everything had fallen into place, even if that wasn’t a place of comfort.
With the towel wrapped around my waist, I stepped into my bedroom to find a familiar face staring back at me. The smirk that turned my mouth sideways was followed by a head shake.
“Welcome home,” Chem greeted me.
My feet were planted on the floor, awaiting the human enclosure he’d become as he wrapped his arms around me.
“You’ve done well, Makai.”
Accepting his approval for exactly what it was, I cradled the back of his head in the palm of my hand.
“I’ve missed you. I’m happy you’re home.”
He pulled away and took a seat on the bed again.
“Appreciate that.”
There was a long, deafening pause that left us both with mixed emotions.
“Why aren’t you happy to be home, Makai?” he asked.
“I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face. Don’t lie to me.”
“Just… just adjusting to the new norm.”
“Why don’t you just call her?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t do that, Chem.”
“Why not?”
“Because you know what it is. You know how this goes.”
“But I don’t. Have you forgotten who my wife is? Who she was? You think I give a fuck about what it’s supposed to be? When it’s a matter of the heart, not much else matters.”
He stood to his feet and removed a small piece of paper from his pocket.
“When you’re ready, you should really go check that out.”
“What is it?” I asked, picking up the paper he’d placed on the bed.
“Something that needs your attention.”
Glacier’s face was plastered on the page, her license number, home address, phone number, and birthday were all gathered on her updated driver’s license.
Mommas . My heart galloped in my chest.
I lifted my head, pulling myself out of the web she’d spun from afar.
“I can’t g—Chem?”
As quickly as he’d come, he’d gone. The paper he’d left with me was glued to my fingers. I sat on the bed, studying every detail, every bit of information on the card. Her birthday grabbed my attention. It was the 31 st of January, just fourteen days shy of her thirtieth.
Idea after idea popped into my head, but I dismissed them without hesitation. Knowing that it was the best thing for me to do, I crumbled the paper and tossed it across the room in the trash where it belonged. Glacier’s life was much better without me. And my life would go on without the fear of losing her because I’d already given her up.
It’s better this way.
It’s best this way.
I convinced myself.
I checked the address for the sixth time, reading the numbers out loud and in my head. The darkness that surrounded me made it harder to read and forced me to squint my eyes a bit. After the sixth confirmation, I knew that it wasn’t the uncertainty that was keeping me seated. I stared up at the blue door, knowing, without a doubt, I was at the right place.
3. My door is always open for you. It’s the blue one; the only teal one on the entire street. I made it that way so you’ll never lose your way on your quest to find your way back to me.
I tugged at my beard, tittering at the nerves that continued to build in my belly. Question after question, scenario after scenario, kept me rooted in the driver’s seat.
What if she has a nigga?
It was that one that forced me out of the car and onto the pavement outside of Glacier’s home. I removed the Glock from my waist to remove the safety. If a nigga was laying in her bed, it would be the last bed he laid in before the one they reserved for him at the funeral home.
Chill.
The voice of reasoning spoke. I remembered the words she’d written and the pain that rested within them. I’d hurt her. If she found the strength to push forward, maybe I could live with that. Maybe I could live with someone repairing parts of her I’d broken.
2. You’ve gutted me.
As the thought surfaced, it dissolved. Glacier had made it abundantly clear that she’d always love me, despite it all. She’d told me several times over. She’d shown me. She’d written it in the letter that she sent me.
1. My heart will never not want you.
And I believed every word because my heart hadn’t stopped wanting her since the day I saw her face. It didn’t matter what I’d said or how I’d handled things, my heart had a different way of dealing. And it still wanted. It still craved. It still beat… for Glacier.
The modest two-story home was a far cry from our homes in Berkeley, but it was Mommas. I could taste the fruits of her labor after spending hours in the kitchen following one of Mercer’s recipes without flaw.
Those nights, the nights we spent inside, talking for hours, were the best kind of nights. Tonight, I was hoping we could run that shit back. If she’d have me. If she’d accept me. If she’d let me.
The ball was in her court. Whatever Glacier wanted, she could have, even if that was for me to get the fuck out of dodge. I’d leave for the night, but I’d have my Black ass on her porch before sunrise tomorrow.
It hadn’t taken me but a week to come to terms with the fact that there was no world without her. Chem had been right. Shit, Chem was always right.
When it comes to matters of the heart, nothing else mattered .
The second my foot hit the first step, the sweet sounds coming from Ghost and Midnight made me light up inside. Knowing that they were still looking after Mommas for me was rewarding. I pushed forward, dusting my foot on the mat in front of me as I pushed the doorbell with my index finger.
Clarke was a fucking doozy in the winter. Snow covered the roadways, driveways, and lawns. There were at least eight inches pressed against the garage door. I made a mental note to shovel that shit in case Glacier needed to get out at any point the next day. Being that it was so late in the evening, I was almost certain she was staying for the rest of the night.
Locks began to turn. I brushed my hands against my pants and straightened my posture, anxiously awaiting the moment that her beauty was revealed to me. The barking grew louder as the door cracked.
“Quiet, boys,” Glacier demanded.
The sound of her voice sent shock waves straight to my chest, awakening my heart. Through the cracked door, I could see her full frame.
“Sit nicely.” Her body was angled toward Midnight and Ghost. She continued to give orders, warning them to play nice. Neither one of them niggas knew what that shit even meant.
Look at me , I begged. Look at me, Mommas .
Finally, she lifted her head. A gasp fell from those beautiful lips of hers. She was dressed comfortably in a champagne-colored lounge set and slippers that were so fluffy, they looked twice the size of her small feet. She was so perfect. Still perfect. Still pretty.
“Makai,” she choked.
“I’ve missed you so, so fucking much, Mommas.”
The words that I’d bottled up for months and months spilled, but not without trouble. I swiped away the tears that crashed against my skin before the breeze turned them into icicles.
“Are you her—is this for real? Have you come back to me? Have you come to stay?”
Nodding, I assured her I wasn’t going anywhere.
“I’m ready to make good on them promises I made to you, if that’s aight with you?”
Glacier nodded, letting me know that everything she’d said in that letter twenty-five months ago was still true.
“Yes. Yes. Of course. Everything I said in my letters, I meant. Every word.”
Shame consumed me. Upon recognition, she sighed.
“You didn’t read them, did you?”
“Only one.”
I watched her heart break all over again. My stomach turned.
“I’m sorry, Mommas. I ju– I just had to keep my head on straight in there. Reading anything from you would’ve made that time much harder than it was.”
“Or made you realize you belonged here and not in there.”
“Or that,” I admitted.
“So much was in those letters, Makai.”
“And, I promise to read every one of them. They’re in the car.”
My promises didn’t soothe the ache I’d caused.
“What’s the matter, Mommas? I’m sorry.”
I swiped tears from her eyes with my thumb. Seeing her cry was unnerving.
“I know, Makai, it’s just that–”
“Talk to me, baby. Tell me what’s really on your mind. Don’t spare me.”
“I don’t wanna break your heart,” she cried, tears streaming from her big, glossy eyes.
“Then don’t,” I begged, “Not if you don’t have to.”
She widened the door, exposing Ghost and Midnight. Just as she’d asked, they sat. However, it wasn’t their presence that brought me to my knees. It was the faces of the two deep brown children clinging to Glacier’s right leg.
“Daddy?” One of the two smiled up at Mommas, seeking confirmation.
“Yes, baby.” Glacier stared directly at me. “Madelyn and Makenna, Daddy. Daddy, Madeleyn, and Makenna.”
It wasn’t her. She wasn’t the culprit. It was me. I’d broken my heart in five million pieces that could not and would not ever be repaired. Staring at the faces that resembled my own, thinking about how much I’d missed, gutted me.
The emotions that I thought I had control over gained control of me. The levees broke and I became the blubbering mess that could not speak. My hands, they had never failed me. I swooped both tiny bodies into my arms as I pushed forward into the house.
I searched the air, blindly feeling for Glacier. Her hand joined mine as I watched the girls acclimate themselves with every feature on my face using their tiny hands. Everything I never knew I wanted, everything I never knew I needed was at my fingertips.
“I’m sorry.”
“You”re here, now. That’s all that matters.”
The end .
From Glacier, to Makai – to read a full letter(s) from Glacier to Makai, click here .