Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
Month Twenty-five
The sweetness of the envelope seal lingered on my tongue as I smoothed the stamp down on the top corner of it. It was a disgusting taste that I’d grown to love and hate at the same time. I placed the freshly penned letter in my purse so I wouldn’t forget to drop it by the post office at some point of my day tomorrow.
“Girls!” I yelled across the room.
Colors flashed across the television screen, capturing their attention and keeping them busy for the twenty minutes it had taken me to pen the letter to their father. It was routine for us all now. Twenty to thirty minutes each month, I sat down to catch him up on our lives hoping that one day he decided to respond or that the updates brought him some form of joy.
Exhaustion was wearing my feet down. They dragged as I walked. I was anxious to lower the lights and say goodnight to the girls so I could get some shut eye. I had a shift in the morning and sleep was on my list of priorities.
“Alright, Makenna, it’s bedtime. Madelyn, you, too. Where are your stuffies?”
The girls were both dressed in matching pajamas with their hair in loose, top buns. Fluffy slippers that were similar to mine covered their toes.
“No, Mommy,” Madelyn protested.
Possibly a freedom fighter in her former life, she was forever objecting to demands relative to her. She’d inherited her father’s face as well as his attitude. Stubborn, she made her little life a lot harder than it had to be and caused herself more stress than an eighteen-month-old should endure at such a young age.
“Madelyn, not tonight, baby. Let’s just do as Mommy asked. You two have fifteen more minutes and then we’re heading upstairs to your room.”
“I not go to sweep,” Madelyn huffed, folding her arms in front of her.
With a shake of the head, I made my way through the hallway, refusing to feed into her cuteness. She was over the top. Makenna, on the other hand, was an angel.
She listened well, did as she was told, and gave me little to confront. She reminded me so much of myself. However, one look at her and I was easily convinced that I played only a small role in her creation. Her dark brown skin and naturally lined lips had all come from her father.
Ghost?
Midnight?
Simultaneously, they trekked down the hallway, nearly knocking both girls over. Careful, they only missed them by an inch or two. Their loud, obnoxious barking began, startling them both.
Madelyn’s arms unfolded, swiping the air continuously as she made her way toward me. Makenna had taken off a split second earlier. They both clung to me, unsure of what was happening. I didn’t have any answers for them. I wasn’t sure what was happening.
Ding. Dong.
The doorbell sounded.
“Quiet,” I demanded of Ghost and Midnight.
Still, the boys continued barking, both adamant that someone was behind the door that needed to be aware of their presence. The quicker they settled, the quicker the girls would. To bring them all the peace they needed, I pulled the door open, almost certain Mrs. Daniels, our elderly neighbor, was standing behind the door.
“Sit nicely,” I warned one last time, preparing to be overwhelmed with the White Diamond perfume she wore religiously.
To my surprise, it wasn’t White Diamond that I smelled. It was musky. It was masculine. It was woodsy. It was his. Afraid that my mind was playing a cruel joke, I took my precious time lifting my head and turning to face the figure on my porch. And, the moment I did, his face was in full view.
I blinked once to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I blinked a second time to clear the fog. And I blinked a third time because Makai had yet to disappear.
He was stunning. And, I wasn’t sure if it was the fact that I looked like the hell I’d been through in his absence, felt like that same hell, or missed him so much that filled me with rage.
The feeling was foreign, but I adapted easily. I leaned into the newfound emotion that stemmed from two years of suppression. I was entitled to the anger that fluffled my nostrils and made my body burn in the dead of the Clarke winter. If I touched it, I was sure I’d melt every inch of snow piling on my lawn and driveway.
The disappointment consumed the appreciation and joy his presence brought me. For leaving me the way he had and without a single word after all this time, Makai had broken things within me that could never be fixed. He’d neglected me. He’d neglected us. And, my heart wouldn’t ever forget that, no matter how or when I forgave him.
In silence, he stared back at me. Those dark eyes lit up my world once. Not tonight. The letter I’d written just minutes prior made me sick to my stomach. I felt so foolish. I felt betrayed.
How could he do this to me? To us. And, show up as if everything is everything. I’ve been in shambles since the day he left.
He’d forced me to discover life without him. He’s forced me to be stronger. To be wiser. To be a survivor. He brought me to such a beautiful island, made beautiful love to me, upgraded my entire life, loved me gently, promised me the world, and then left me deserted with no life jacket, survivor’s manual, or indication of when he’d return. Though I’d sent him countless postcards, he never replied to one.
My feet had developed minds of their own, and so had my hands. Because, before I knew what was happening, I’d shut the girls inside, stepped onto the porch where Makai stood and my hand was across his handsome face.
SMACK!
Again.
SMACK.
And, again.
SMACK.
I hated odd numbers, so I followed up with a fourth and final blow. It never made it to him. He grabbed my hand and forced it behind my back as he wrapped his arms around me.
He felt unreal.
“Glacier.” His voice cracked as he buried his face into my neck.
It wasn’t until his warmth caressed me that I realized I wasn’t invincible and my body temperature had lowered. I was quivering.
“You left me!” I wept, fighting to be freed from his grasp, but wanting to climb in his skin and never leave.
“Shhhh. Shhhhh. Calm down, Mommas.”
“You left me.”
“Never,” he claimed, squeezing me tighter.
“I have suffered for tw–”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Glacier. I will scream that shit to the death of me or until you understand just how fucking sorry I am for you being out here without me. But, I am not sorry for doing what needed to be done. If I can’t protect you, then I’m not the nigga for you, baby.”
“But, you broke my heart!”
He pulled away, creating a new void. With the sleeves of his coat, he tried drying my face. It was useless. The pain in my eyes mirrored his. He’d broken us both.
“I’m here to fix it. Whatever you need. Whatever you want.”
“Mommas,” he whispered in sheet disbelief, pulling me from the trance I’d fallen victim to.
I rubbed my palms against my leg, hoping the vision didn’t materialize. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I ever laid hands on Makai, no matter how much my rage and pride fought for relevancy.
His voice soothed me beyond measure. I’d waited and waited and waited to hear it. To hear him. Because, it was that voice that let me know everything was well. For over twenty months I had wondered if things would ever be again. With him standing in front of me, I knew they would be. They had to be.
My heart leaped with joy. The oxygen that once surrounded me had been removed. I was left breathless, staring into the eyes of the man who had pieced my heart back together two years ago. The man who had shown me exactly what real love was. The man who had taken my heart and locked it in the cell with him. My man. My Makai.
He was as precious as I remembered him. His handsome face displayed worry lines. Those dreamy, dark eyes that I loved staring into for a glimpse of my future, displayed so much pain. It mirrored mine and was the reason I’d avoided my reflection for the last two years.
He came home to me .
Words caught in my throat as I gazed out into the snowy night. The hole that had gotten larger in my chest over the twenty-five months he was gone was suddenly filled. My chest ached. My head spun. I couldn’t decipher fact from fiction.
“Makai,” I choked.
“I’ve missed you so, so fucking much, Kiwi.”
His words fixed everything he’d broken in his absence. Suddenly, nothing more mattered to me than his presence. Not the pain.
Not the aches. Not the sleepless nights. Not the complicated mornings. Not the stress. Not the fact that I went through my entire pregnancy without him. Not that he wasn’t beside me when the girls were born. Nothing mattered.
Maybe it was because I knew his heart. Maybe because I knew his act was selfless. Maybe because I was comforted knowing he’d go to the ends of the earth to protect me. Maybe because I knew that he still belonged to me, no matter how much time we spent apart.
Maybe because I found peace knowing that it was the one and only time I’d ever have to suffer through his absence. Maybe because I was convinced that I’d never have to go another day without him. Maybe because I was sure that this moment marked our future as a family.
“Are you her—is this for real? Have you come back to me? Have you come to stay?”
I needed to be sure. I had to be sure. I wanted to hear it from him. His confirmation was requested and he had no problems delivering. His head lifted and fell, confirming what I’d believed in my heart the moment I recognized him on the porch.
He’s home to stay.
“I’m ready to make good on them promises I made to you, if that’s aight with you?”
I nodded. There was no way that Makai could’ve thought I wouldn’t agree with us continuing where we’d left off. Things would be different, so much different now. It wasn’t just me, anymore. There were two little faces that resembled the one I’d loved first needing the same love, patience, and understanding Makai had practiced in our relationship.
“Yes. Yes. Of course. Everything I said in my letters, I meant. Every word.”
Gloom consumed his handsome features. My heart stopped beating upon recognition of the shame that followed closely.
He didn’t read them.
The evidence was written all over his face.
“You didn’t read them, did you?”
“Only one.”
My chest caved. A lone breath left my mouth as I shrunk a bit. He watched my heart break all over again. Words failed me. I didn’t know what to say. I’d written it all down, faithfully, over the last twenty-five months, not missing a single month. To know that Makai hadn’t read but one stung.
“I’m sorry, Mommas. I ju– I just had to keep my head on straight in there. Reading anything from you would’ve made that time much harder than it was.”
The resentment that sat at the top of my emotional wreckage spilled from my guts. I’d never raised my voice at Makai, never contributed any energy other than good energy to his world, but I had a right. My frustration was justified, backed by the pain that I felt.
“Or made you realize you belonged here and not in there.”
Silence twirled between us before he nodded, noticing the change in my demeanor.
“Or that,” he admitted.
“So much was in those letters, Makai,” I expressed, shaking my head.
Not reading the letters meant that he didn’t know he had two children waiting for him, too. Not reading the letters meant that he didn’t know how hard those months were for me. Not reading the letters meant that he didn’t know anything. Nothing .
“And, I promise to read every one of them. They’re in the car.”
His head whipped in the direction of a brand-new Mercedes, parked outside of my home.
His promises didn’t soothe the ache he’d caused. There was so much in those letters that he needed to know.
“What’s the matter, Mommas? I’m sorry.”
He swiped tears from my eyes with his thumb. He hated seeing me cry, but what other choice did I have? He’d only given me one. Thinking of our girls and their introduction to a world without their father was a hard pill to swallow. I still hadn’t digested it yet. Makai standing before me, not knowing they exist, doubled the hardship.
“I know, Makai, it’s just that–”
“Talk to me, baby. Tell me what’s really on your mind. Don’t spare me.”
I couldn’t be upset with him. This man was my life. My heart. My whole world. His eagerness to right his wrongs softened me.
“I don’t wanna break your heart,” I cried, tears streaming from my eyes.
“Then don’t,” he begged, “Not if you don’t have to.”
I widened the door, exposing Ghost and Midnight. Just as I’d asked, they sat.
However, it wasn’t their presence that brought Makai to his knees. It was the faces of Makenna and Madelyn clinging to my right leg.
“Daddy?” Madelyn asked as she stared up at me, seeking confirmation.
I’d prepared them for this day. Malachi had prepared them for this day. Aeir had prepared them for this day. Milo. Nature. Kleu. Lawe. Mercer. Pops.
We all made sure the girls knew exactly who their father was, how much he loved them, and how he couldn’t wait to be in their worlds. Seeing the prayers I’d put in finally come to fruition was too much for my heart to handle.
“Yes, baby.” I stared directly at Makai. “Madelyn and Makenna, Daddy. Daddy,
Madelyn and Makenna.”
Makai shook his head from one side to the other, holding onto the girls as if they’d somehow disappear. They wouldn’t. They were his to have.
After months and months of waiting, their father was home. Though they’d never met him, they felt his love from the family he’d given us all. Their introduction felt more like a reunion. Their arms surrounded him as best they could.
For the first time, I heard Makai weep. The sound of his pain escaping his throat was jarring. His cries cut me deep. At that moment, he understood the depths of his absence. It was beyond me. It was beyond us.
He swooped both tiny bodies into his arms as he pushed forward into the house. I watched through teary eyes as he searched the air, blindly feeling for me. Needing me. Wanting me. Yearning for me.
I put him out of his misery by stepping forward and joining him by his side. My hand joined his as I watched the girls acclimate themselves with every feature on his face using their tiny hands.
“I’m sorry,” Makai groaned. He was a blubbering mess.
“You're here, now. That’s all that matters.”
I tried soothing his pain, but there was little I could do because I was hurting, too.
“No cwying,” Madelyn demanded.
“You hurt?” Makenna asked, worried about her father.
“Yes. Daddy is hurting,” Makai admitted.
“Where?”
“Right here.”
He squeezed her little body closer to his to use this pointy finger. He showed her exactly where he was hurting. I didn’t need to see it because it was the same place I was hurting, too.
“I sowry.”
“You didn’t do it, baby. Daddy did it to himself.”
“You hurt you self?” Madelyn butted in.
“Yes. Yes. I did.”
“It’s otay,” Makenna soothed him, trying her best to wipe his tears.
“It’s time for the girls to go to bed,” I interrupted, hating to disrupt the moment.
“Do they have to?” Makai asked. His eyes pleaded with me.
“No,” Madelyn answered.
“Yes,” I chuckled, “Yes, they have to go to bed. Mommy has work in the morning and neither of them likes getting up to go to Gloria’s.”
“Gloria?”
“Their nanny. They’re with her three times a week.”
“Please call Gloria and tell her that the last day they came was the last. Their father will have them from this day forward.”
“Makai, they enjoy Gloria.”
“They’ll enjoy me as much.”
I couldn’t argue with that. In fact, I agreed.
“I–”
“Mommas,” he stopped me before I could get a word out.
“Okay, but it’s such short notice, baby. It’s not that fair.”
“Compensation isn’t an issue. I’ll make sure the next six months are covered, but they won’t be returning.”
“Whatever you say, Makai.”
Starting a fight I wouldn’t win was pointless. Makai spending each day with the girls would only be the beginning of his attempt to make up for the time he’d missed. They all needed that.
“Now, bedtime, girls!”
I watched three saggy faces head up the stairs. Makai had no idea where he was going, but Madelyn led the way.
“Wrong room!” I informed him as I watched my bedroom door swing open.
“Bullshit.”
“Makai!”
The tittering that fell from my lips felt the most genuine, the most unprovoked, the most fulfilling. I hadn’t genuinely cracked a smile in two years. I placed a hand on my chest to calm my raging heart. It felt so good to have Makai sitting right on top of it, again.
“My bad. Cover y’all ears.”
“Please, girls.”
“Mommas, where the hell are you expecting them to sleep?”
“In their room!”
“Nah. Not tonight. We can talk about that tomorrow but tonight, nah.”
“Seriously?”
“Come on in here, Kiwi, unless you trying to sleep in their room.”
He took a good look at my bedroom as he laid the girls down on the bed. Satisfaction was apparent in his head nod and curious eyes. His approval had me doing a little dance in my head.
“I’m sleeping wherever you are.”
I wasn’t spending another night without him.
“Aight then, bring your ass on and don’t start that ugly ass crying, again.”
“You can’t talk, Makai. I just sa–”
“You ain’t seen shit.”
His lips landed on mine, shutting me up for the moment. I watched Makai undress, realizing how much I missed the privilege to do so.
“Feels so weird— having you here. Seeing you with my eyes. Feels like our first vacation.”
“Feels like a new beginning,” he responded. “But, this one won’t end in heartbreak. Not for you or for me. This one ends with marriage, four children, and the life of your dreams.”
“Four children?”
“Like my Pops. Four sounds doable. Right?”
Chuckling, I nodded. “Four is doable. I just didn’t think you’d want anymore.”
“I missed out on everything up until now, Glacier. I want more. Two more. Maybe then I’ll begin to feel better.”
He tilted his head and then lifted it just as quickly.
“And, what about your dreams?”
“My dream was you and your safety. As long as I have those, there’s nothing more I could ask for.”
In his briefs, he climbed into bed. Madelyn was the first to bombard his personal space. I wasn’t surprised.
Makenna fought to find a balance between us. She wanted her father, but she wanted her mother as much. The struggle was heartening to watch. It lasted until she finally settled between our bodies, finding sleep fast.
“I don’t want to wait,” I whispered in the dark.
The silence had my mind in a frenzy.
“You don’t want to wait for what?”
“Marriage.”
It was no secret that I desired marriage, children, and a life with Makai. Though he hadn’t read the letters to see just how much it was on my mind every day, we’d talked about it on several occasions before his incarceration.
“You won’t have to, Glacier. I’ve kept you waiting long enough. I won’t make you wait for anything you want. Not now. Not ever. The wait is over, Mommas.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
His hands found mine. Our fingers laced as my thoughts finally settled. Without a doubt, I knew life would never be the same for the little ones and I.
I didn’t last much longer than the girls. Peace lulled me to sleep.
He came home to me.
My final thought stuck with me until I was in a deep sleep.
***
Twenty-five months and one day
Forcing myself out of bed proved to be nearly impossible. I wanted nothing more than to enjoy the warmth of Madelyn, Makenna, and Makai. I settled for the warmth of the shower. It concealed the tears that fell down my face.
Happiness and hurt used my heart as a playground. I couldn’t gain control of my emotions. I was unsure which one was more dominant at the moment.
There was resentment. There was hurt. There was love. There was joy. There was regret. There was optimism. There was so much.
I coughed up more tears, releasing whatever was holding onto me and filling me with darkness that shouldn’t have held a residency in my heart at a time like this one. It had no business wrapping itself around my brain and making me feel anything but gratitude for Makai’s presence.
What is this I’m feeling? I cried into my palms while the water cascaded down my back.
“Why am I feeling like this?” Sadness engulfed me.
“Because you have every right,” Makai’s voice summoned every inch of me, my heart, my head, my spirit, my soul. He owned me. Every part of me. Whether he knew it or not, I belonged to him, wholly.
The curtain pulled back, exposing the man that mattered most in my world. Not even God, himself, could come down to Earth and tell me anyone else was made for me. Makai was for me. He was my beginning. He was my end.
“Makai.”
He stepped into the shower with me, free of his fabrics.
“Don’t do that, Mommas. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling whatever you’re feeling because I’m feeling it, too. I am furious, Glacier. I am heartbroken.
“Those two girls in there, those babies that missed their father since before they even came into the world, have left me shattered. I am fucked up, Mommas. But, at the same time, seeing them sleep peacefully lets me know that I did the right thing. Let me know that I made the right decision.
“Baby, I’d do it all again to watch them sleep without a fucking care in the world. Hate me, Glacier. Hate me if you need to. As long as you promise to love me right after, I can deal with that. What I can’t stomach is you hating me forever. My heart can’t take that.”
“I don’t hate you, Makai.”
“Then what is it, baby? Talk to me.”
“I jus– I don’t know.”
“You can’t hurt me any more than I’ve hurt myself, Mommas. Your words will do damage, but I need to hear them. I need to know what you’re feeling so I can help you work through it. Don’t lie to me, Glacier. You know exactly what’s wrong with you.”
“I’m mad, Makai. I’m hurt. I’m resentful. I’m angry. I don’t know what that feels like. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings.
“I’ve never been so upset, so disappointed. You disappointed me. For twenty-five months, you gave me nothing. I am furious. Yet, I just love you so much. I don’t want to feel this way about you, about us.
“I want to be happy you’re home. I want to be happy you’re here. But, my head and my heart aren’t on the same page. And, what hurts the most is the question that keeps circling, not letting me free myself from its reign.”
“What question is that, Mommas?”
“Can I trust him?”
Makai stiffened. His body grew rigid. The pain flashed across his handsome face. It contorted with curiosity. Not the kind that made your eyes wide and your lips curl upward. The kind that left a deep hole in your chest and your orbs glossy as tears threatened to fall.
“Makai,” I called out, “Say something.”
He remained silent, gazing back at me.
“Say something.”
“Can you?” he asked. “Honesty, Glacier. Can you?”
It was my turn to say something. I thought about the question posed. Eventually, my shoulders rose.
“I don’t know.”
“Fair enough,” he replied with a nod.
Instead of continuing the conversation, he reached behind me to grab the sponge and body wash. He poured a decent amount onto the sponge and scrubbed it together until it lathered.
Gently, he pressed it against my body. I closed my eyes, savoring every second of his selflessness. It was exactly what made Makai who he was. It was exactly why I loved him deep down in my bones. It was a gift. It was a curse.
“What happens now?” Eyes still closed, I asked.
Makai rinsed the soap from my body but never tried switching places. He didn’t need to shower. He’d only gotten in to wash me from head to toe–just like he used to.
“I start at ground zero, Glacier. I meet you exactly where you are. I won’t try to convince you to trust me. I don’t deserve that much privilege and I won’t force it. I’m not that type of nigga.
“I’m the type of nigga that takes full responsibility for whatever, including the way I’ve made you feel. I’m the type of nigga that’s going to love on you and love on you and love on you some more until I can gain your trust, again. As long as I haven’t lost your love, lost your heart, I’m still in the game, G.
“One day soon, you’ll know that you can trust me with the very breath in your body, but until then, I’m here. Fighting to win that shit back. You put your life on pause for twenty-five months, Mommas, if it takes twenty-five for you to feel what you once felt for me, then that’s how long I’ll wait. I’m here. Not for a little while. I’m here forever.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?” He wanted to know.
“Understanding.”
“Nah. Thank you. Thank you for sticking it out and not folding. Your love is immeasurable. Stumbling across you was the best fucking thing that ever happened to me.
“I’m sorry that I left you like that. I had business to handle. I won’t do that shit again, Mommas.”
“How can I help make your transition better?”
It wasn’t all about me. I understood that. Now that my feelings were out in the open, relief was easy to come by.
My focus shifted. My new task was helping Makai adjust to the new norm. Not only had he been locked away for two years, but he’d come home to two children and a woman who wasn’t the same person she was when he’d left.
“I can only think of one thing I need you to do right now, G.”
“What is it?”
“Turn around and let me back in my shit.”
He didn’t have to ask twice. I twirled, placing my hands against the shower wall. Makai’s hard tapped against my center, making me cream. His hand went around my neck as he pulled me toward him to kiss my lips. As he did so, he slid into me from behind. The pain hurts so good, causing me to cry out in agony and pure pleasure.
“Urrgggghhhh.”
He halted momentarily before his free hand cupped my right breast.
“I’ve missed this lil motherfucker so much,” he groaned in my ear. “Fuck.”
I secretly prayed that our reunion resulted in another nine to ten months of a growing belly. I’d been cheated the first pregnancy and desperately wanted a do-over. Makai had to give that to me. I needed it like yesterday. I needed him like yesterday and every day before that.
“Welcome home.”