15. Beckett
BECKETT
My rental car reeked of vomit as I drove Sawyer and me back to Frank’s. Neither of us had uttered a single word in fifteen minutes. It wasn’t a far drive from the restaurant, but I’d driven at least five miles under the speed limit with my hands clutched around the steering wheel in a death grip.
“The baby’s father.”
Everything happened so fast. One minute, I was trying to lay my cards out on the table and tell Sawyer that even though I knew nothing about relationships or how to make them work, I wanted to explore that with her.
The next, some woman was telling me Sawyer was pregnant, and then she threw up all over me and our table.
To top it all off with a fucking cherry, our waitress had stood there, blinking, for the whole goddamn thing. Then, when the entire restaurant was staring at our table, she ran away to get the manager before I could ask her for napkins or a goddamn mop to clean up.
Glancing out of the corner of my eye, I watched Sawyer pull my jacket tighter around her shoulders.
Her eyes were red-rimmed and glassy. The little mascara she’d worn to dinner was tracked down her face.
She hadn’t stopped crying since we left the restaurant with every single eye locked on our backs.
I wanted to say something, anything, really, but everything seemed so stupid. What was I supposed to do? Ask her if she was okay? If she needed anything? I already knew the answer to both of those things. It was written across her face plain as fucking day.
Also, I needed a minute to wrap my head around what the hell just happened.
Sawyer was pregnant. I may not have had any experience with what we were currently dealing with, but I did know two things:
One: It took two to tango.
Two: She’d kept it from me.
It hadn’t taken me long to run the mental calculations of the time that’d passed since I had Sawyer splayed out on my bed and now. Nearly six months to the day. She had told me from the beginning she’d never had a one-night stand before.
I had so many questions, but two big ones came to mind. The first being, “Is it mine?” and the second being, “Were you ever going to tell me?”
This was a fucking mess.
Even though I wasn’t sure the answer to either of those, I wasn’t ready to be a dad.
Especially not while I was in the process of carefully dismantling the legacy my own had built.
He certainly hadn’t shown me what it was like to lead with compassion in any aspect of my life, or what unconditional love felt like when his interest in me was tied to what I could offer him.
Frank’s sign came into view up ahead. I slowed, turning my blinker on before pulling into the full parking lot.
The sound of gravel crunching beneath my tires sent my anxiety into overdrive.
If I stopped this car, Sawyer was going to bolt.
She was already reaching for her purse, gathering everything as quickly as possible so she could jump out at a moment’s notice.
I couldn’t have that.
Instead, I drove right past where she’d parked, flipped a U-turn, and pulled back on the highway toward my cabin.
“What’re you doing?” Sawyer asked, turning over her shoulder to stare at her car sitting in the parking lot while I zoomed away at a fast, but perfectly legal, speed. “Take me back.”
“Nope,” I said, tightening my grip on the wheel. Panic was rising with each second of continued silence. “If I do that, you’re going to run, and we need to have a conversation, Sawyer.”
“No. Take me back.”
I shook my head, tightening my grip on the wheel. “No. We’re going to talk about this first.” She shrank back into her seat, wrapping my jacket tightly around her. I hated feeling like a dick, but I hated not knowing what the fuck was going on even more.
“What’s your plan then, Beckett? Are you just going to kidnap me? Because that’s kind of what this feels like.”
“Of course not,” I scoffed. Okay, maybe she had a point.
This did feel a bit like kidnapping, but what choice did I have?
She hadn’t denied wanting to run. The moment I let her out of sight, she was going to bolt for the hills, and I’d never get her alone again.
This was me getting creative. “We’re just going for a drive. ”
“I don’t want to. I’m tired, it smells like vomit, and I—” she squeezed her eyes and swallowed thickly “—I need fresh air.”
Thankfully, we weren’t far from my cabin. The moment I turned onto the same familiar road, I was taken back to that night. Sawyer had been beside me, looking at me like I was worth something. Her giddy, nervous demeanor had been exciting. Intoxicating, almost. I couldn’t wait to get her alone.
This was different. She looked like a trapped animal pacing in a cage with her white-knuckle grip on the seatbelt.
The energy around us was frenetic. Electrically charged currents of warning that I wasn’t sure how to circumvent.
There were no notes on what I should do.
No books I’d read, or business proposals I’d ever studied, would help me figure out how to talk her off the proverbial ledge.
“How far along are you?” I asked, glancing out of the corner of my eye.
Sawyer just stared out of the window.
“Is it mine?”
More silence.
“Sawyer—”
“Six months next week.” Her voice was so soft, I had to strain to hear her. “And yes. It’s yours.”
We were safe. We used a condom. Several of them, actually. I remembered that distinctly. One of them must’ve broken, but wouldn’t I have realized that?
No, probably not. I’d been too fucking focused on the beauty in my bed at the time.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What was I going to do?
“And you’re sure it’s—”
“Yours?” she asked, and I nodded. It was rude to ask, but I barely knew her. She could’ve broken up with a shitty ex-boyfriend around the same time and just assumed the baby was mine.
But wouldn’t it be easier to pin it on an unsuspecting ex rather than pin it on a man she thought she’d never see again?
Sawyer exhaled sharply, mumbling under her breath. “Well, you’re the only person I’ve been with.”
I blinked. Surely I hadn’t heard her right. “I’m sorry. I think the shock must be settling in. What’d you just say?”
She wrapped her arms around her stomach. “I was a virgin, okay? You’re the only person I’ve ever slept with, so if this baby isn’t yours… We—I mean, I have bigger concerns.”
Yeah, there was definitely something wrong with my ears. A virgin? Absolutely not. No. No way.
I racked my memory, searching for any sign or hint of discomfort on her face that night, but nothing stood out.
It was easy to recall, seeing as I’d been playing it on repeat for months.
How her lips parted as I moved inside her.
The way she clawed at my back, begging for more. To go harder. Faster.
Every command she uttered, I obeyed.
But there’d been no blood. Wasn’t there supposed to be blood? I’d never taken a woman’s virginity before, so I didn’t have a firsthand account to fall back on. But that was what normally happened, wasn’t it? Or was that some bullshit lie someone made up that went rampant?
“I don’t understand,” I said, slowly.
“What’s so difficult to understand, Beckett?”
“Isn’t there supposed to be, I don’t know, some kind of sign?”
She waved her hand. “Everyone is different. Since I’m a bit older and have been using toys for years, maybe I was better prepared. Or maybe I’m one of the lucky ones who never had to worry about that. Either way, it was better than admitting I was a virgin at twenty-four.”
I rubbed my temple, mitigating a migraine threatening to bloom.
So much was being thrown my way all at once.
I was having trouble wrapping my mind around it all.
Twenty minutes ago, I was sitting at a restaurant with a pretty girl I hadn’t been able to get off my mind, and now I was finding out that I was not only going to be a father in a couple of months, but that I’d also taken a woman’s virginity and had no idea.
I didn’t care that she didn’t tell me. That was her prerogative.
Her body, her choice. But I hated not being able to check in on her afterward.
While that was more about making myself feel better rather than her, I didn’t want her to think that the sex we had meant nothing when in reality, it meant everything.
Looking at Sawyer now, I could see how scared and nervous she’d been when I saw her at Frank’s.
She was chewing on her fingernails like it was an Olympic sport, leaving them jagged and bleeding in some spots.
The dark circles beneath her eyes seemed to grow tenfold since I’d seen her last. Had she not been sleeping well because of pregnancy symptoms or because she had to contemplate the consequences of our carelessness alone?
“I’m going to ask a stupid question,” I said, glancing at her.
She rolled her eyes, quickly wiping a tear that’d fallen. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”
There she was. “Are you okay?”
“You’re right. That is a stupid question.”
My lips curled into a smile. “Obviously, this is all a bit of a mind fuck to me, but you’ve been dealing with this alone.” I reached over, pulling Sawyer’s hand away from her mouth. She looked uncomfortable beneath the weight of my attention. “How’re you feeling about all of this?”
“You mean about getting knocked up by the first man I slept with? Oh, just fantastic. I’m really loving my souvenir. It’s the gift that just keeps on giving,” she said sarcastically, tightening her grip on the seatbelt.
I shrugged. “It could always be worse.”
Sawyer rolled her head against the seat. “Please enlighten me.”
“Well, your baby daddy could be ugly.”
Her lips twitched, but she didn’t break. “Someone thinks highly of themselves, don’t they?”
“Are you going to tell me that I’m wrong?” I asked, pointing toward my face. “These dimples don’t lie.”
Sawyer kept her head straight, but was trying not to give in. “I don’t see any dimples.”
“Okay, so I might not have any, but you do and they’re gorgeous. I haven’t stopped thinking about them for the last six months.”