16. Sawyer #2
“I am, and he is,” I said, sighing. I’d rehearsed this speech a thousand times, and in each one, he lost his cool. He demanded paternity tests and yelled. God, there was so much yelling. I braced myself, waiting for the moment he would snap, but it never came.
I looked up to find Beckett completely dumbstruck, lips parted and eyes darting between my face and the bump I lovingly cradled. It just now dawned on me that while I’d told him I was pregnant, he still didn’t know the gender. “He?”
“Oh, oops. Yes,” I said, glancing down and running a hand over my stomach. “I found out last month. I’m having a boy.”
Technically, we were having a boy, but it felt too forward to assume that he’d want anything to do with us after tonight. The shock could set in, and the anger could follow. I wasn’t going to ask anything of him until I knew for a fact he wasn’t going to use it as leverage to control us.
But even I could tell how earnest this man was as his silver-lined gaze trailed to where I lazily stroked my belly. “D-Do you have any pictures?” he asked, stammering over his words.
“Here.” Reaching for my phone, I scrolled to an album I’d titled Baby Sutton and handed it over. “I’m doing the whole baby book thing, too. Or trying to. I’m not very good at it.”
I tried not to yap incessantly while Beckett remained silent as he scrolled through countless sonogram images.
There were even some from the mini gender reveal Olivia forced me to do.
In reality, the party consisted of Olivia, Duke, their girls, and my grams, but it was everyone in my life that meant anything to me.
“I’m glad you’ve had people to support you,” he said softly, handing back my phone. “You haven’t been alone.”
“Not entirely, no, but I’ve felt lonely,” I admitted.
A dose of the truth seemed like the best course of action.
It was the least I could do. “I keep reading these blogs about what to expect, and they keep talking about things their partners do to alleviate stress or how fun it is to celebrate the baby’s milestones together.
It’s a constant reminder that while I have Duke and Liv’s support, it’s not the same as having someone who has equal stakes in this.
” When he didn’t say anything, I waved my hand to dispel the awkward tension that’d fallen. “I don’t know. It’s silly and stupid.”
“It’s not,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t know if kids were ever something you wanted, but I’m sure it wasn’t like this.”
“Definitely not,” I huffed, looking down at my body.
“Kids weren’t something I necessarily ever thought I’d have.
Not because I didn’t want them. It’s just that…
I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d ever find my person.
Leaving Pinecrest isn’t an option, and the dating pool is so slim here.
” I shrugged, letting out a shuddering breath.
“I counted myself out before I tried to play the game.”
The silence was deafening. Beckett sat there, wistfully staring at my hand on my stomach as I rubbed gentle circles along the bottom of my belly. Sometimes, my little guy liked to settle in the most uncomfortable positions. And when he stretched out? I had no room to breathe.
“Are you okay?” Beckett asked, nodding toward where I just rubbed. “You grimaced.”
“Yeah,” I exhaled. “He just thinks he can spread out however he likes.” I winced at the kick he landed to my ribs. “He also doesn’t like me talking shit, apparently.”
Beckett’s eyes danced with something akin to awe. “What’s he doing?”
“Kicking the hell out of me,” I laughed. “Do you want to feel?”
He looked at me nervously, and I hated how goddamn adorable it was. That one stupid look made me want things I couldn’t have. “Is that… I mean, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable…”
“Come here,” I said, grabbing his hand and pressing it against my stomach.
His touch was warm and soft, thumb swiping reverently against my skin.
I wasn’t a fan of people touching my stomach, even when I wasn’t pregnant.
No one had been allowed to touch me thus far other than Liv and my doctor, so having Beckett’s hand on me like this felt strangely intimate, which was stupid, seeing as he was inside of me only six months ago.
When nothing happened, Beckett’s face fell. “Oh, well. It was worth a shot.”
“Don’t be so impatient. He’s not going to kick on command,” I said, adding my hand on top of his.
“You just have to be patient.” When nothing happened, I urged him on.
“Come on, little man. Kick for Momma, okay?” It was on the tip of my tongue to say for Dad, but that felt like way too much too soon.
Beckett had just learned he was going to be a father.
Maybe we could wait to add an honorific to his name.
After a few minutes of quiet bribes, including a promise to stock up on all the Cherry 7UP I could find, our little boy moved.
Beckett’s eyes lit up, and he leaned forward, cupping my belly.
“Hey, baby boy. How are you?” This time, there was an immediate sharp jab in response. “Oof. Don’t hurt your Momma now.”
“He must like your voice,” I murmured, watching him stare at my swollen stomach in awe.
“Yeah?” Beckett asked. “You think so?”
I nodded, murmuring my agreement. I didn’t trust myself to say much more for fear of losing it right here and now. He stared unabashedly, awe etched onto his face. Even in the dimples I’d been adamant hadn’t existed.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Sawyer?” Beckett kept his hands on my belly, but his gaze drifted up to my face. “I’m not hard to find. It would’ve been easy to look me up.”
It was the one question I’d been dreading.
I’d spent months trying to rationalize it.
Each time, I’d talk myself into believing the bullshit in my head, but then the vicious cycle would start over again.
“Would you have believed me if I did? Or would the assistant, I assume you have, look through your emails and toss them into the junk folder without thinking twice?” When he didn’t say anything, I took his silence as confirmation.
“It wasn’t a risk I could take. And honestly, I was terrified. ”
“Terrified of what?” he asked quickly, tilting his head to the side. There was something in his eyes I couldn’t quite place, but it instantly had me eager to clear up the confusion. “Of me?”
“Yes, but not in the way you think.”
Beckett sat back on his heels, letting his hands fall away from my stomach. “Then how? Because I can’t think of any good reason to keep this from me.”
“Me telling you my reasons won’t make you feel any better,” I said, tone flat. “It won’t change anything that’s already happened.”
“Yeah, but how the hell am I supposed to be in our baby’s life if you are already keeping things from me? Trust is a two-way street, Sawyer. We can’t do this—”
“I had it in my head that you’d try to take him away from me,” I blurted out.
Beckett blinked slowly, letting my words land and sink in.
I used that moment to keep going. If I stopped now, I wouldn’t be able to explain my reasoning.
“After I found out about the pregnancy, I looked you up. I saw the kind of life you lead, the things you have…” I shook my head.
“I don’t have the same things you do, Beckett.
My grandma and I live in the same trailer in the same trailer park that she’s lived in her entire life.
It’s run down and smells like old cigarette smoke, even though she hasn’t smoked in years.
I work way more hours than I should at Frank’s to make ends meet and save what I can for when I need to take time off after giving birth.
I even considered getting a second job while I was pregnant because I was so goddamn terrified of not being able to give this baby what they deserve.
” I hadn’t realized I was crying until I felt a tear drop onto my hand.
“Your fancy lawyers would take one look at me, decide I was unfit, and take my entire world away.”
“Do you honestly think I would do that?” he asked, voice breaking. His hand came up, resting over his heart. “You know me, Sawyer.”