16. Sawyer #3
“But I don’t. I know nothing about you other than that you can sweet-talk your way into a date and are really good in bed.
While those things are great, they don’t speak to your character.
” I shifted my body, protectively cradling my bump.
Beckett clocked the move. My fight-or-flight response was kicking in tenfold.
Our conversation was delving into dangerous territory, and one of us was going to get hurt.
But it was too late. The damage was already done.
"It's not like this pregnancy came with a handbook for what to do when you get knocked up by your one night stand, Beckett.
There's no good way to handle this. I did what I thought was best, and it was easier that way. "
At least that was what I told myself, anyway, but the crestfallen look on Beckett's face told a different story. It had me second guessing every decision I made leading up to our dinner. How many nights had I spent alone in my bed, crying because I wasn't sure I could do this?
Beckett chewed on his bottom lip. “If you told me, I could’ve helped, you know. A new place to live, the best doctors, whatever you needed. I would’ve made it happen, and I hate that you felt the need to hide all of this from me.”
“I don’t need you to swoop in like a white knight, Beckett. I’ve made things work just fine without you.”
The words were out before I could stop them. Instant regret slammed into me like a truck, especially as Beckett’s shoulders drooped and he looked anywhere but at me.
“Beckett, I’m sorry,” I sighed, rubbing my temple. “I didn’t—”
“Don’t lie now, Sawyer,” he said, shaking his head. “You did mean it.”
I swallowed thickly, suppressing the need to apologize for the truth as I saw it.
After all, he was right. It was the same argument I used with Liv, because she’d offered me all the same things Beckett had.
But I didn’t want to get used to something only to have it ripped away from me at a moment’s notice.
“I’m not good at asking for help,” I confessed.
“I don’t want to become reliant on something and have it vanish.
” Beckett stayed silent, tongue pressed against his cheek, a muscle fluttering in his jaw.
“Realistically, what would happen? You don’t live here, and I don’t have plans to move.
I can’t, actually. So, what would you do?
Put us up in a house and send us money every month?
Pop in for a visit every once in a while?
Eventually, that generosity would run out.
You’ll meet a nice girl, get married, and want to start a family.
She probably wouldn’t feel great knowing you’ve got a kid out there with some girl from the trailer park. ”
That muscle in his jaw ticked. “You’ve got it all figured out, huh?”
“I’ve had months to play out every scenario in my head, Beckett. And you don’t choose this baby or me in any of them. Why would you? You don’t know us. It’d be easier for you to walk away and forget we exist.”
Beckett stood abruptly, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his shirt.
His mouth opened and closed several times before it finally snapped shut, the muscle in his jaw working overtime.
He still refused to look at me, and I understood why.
I wouldn’t have wanted to look myself in the mirror either.
My truth was just that: mine. Was it fair to impart it to the seemingly sweet man in front of me? No, but he asked.
It was just one more thing I could hate myself for later.
“You can take the bed, if you want. I’ll sleep down here,” he finally muttered softly, running his hand along the back of his neck. “We can talk about this more in the morning.”
Using the armrest, I stood and folded the blanket before draping it over the back of the sofa.
The last thing I wanted was to stay where I wasn’t wanted, and this was exactly that.
“Don’t worry. I’ll call Liv to pick me up,” I said, reaching for my phone.
My fingers hovered over the call button, waiting for him to stop me, but he didn’t.
He nodded once before quickly making his way out of the living room. I waited until his footfalls receded and I knew he was gone before I called Liv. She answered on the first ring, telling me she would throw on shoes and be there as soon as she could.
Beckett never reemerged. Not even as I called out his name and told him I was leaving. Liv greeted me with a sad, knowing smile as I stepped into her car. Neither of us spoke as she drove, which I was grateful for. I’d done enough talking to last me a lifetime.
I was proud of myself for holding it together.
It would’ve been too easy to let Beckett sweep me up in some fantasy where we could live as one big happy family, but I couldn’t go there.
I refused. It was going to be hard enough when he realized a bartender with a baby wasn’t what he wanted for his life.
He’d leave Pinecrest, and me, behind when his work was done.
Grams was asleep by the time Liv dropped me off.
I trudged into the house with heavy limbs, refusing to meet my own gaze as I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed.
It wasn’t until I slipped between the sheets in complete darkness that I let out a muffled, gut-wrenching sob that felt a lot like the biggest mistake of my life.