25. Beckett
BECKETT
Growing up with a father like mine meant there were very few things that scared me, but sitting in an OBGYN’s office next to Sawyer had rocked me to my core.
Nerves hit me the moment I parked outside the building and hadn’t subsided since.
My knee bounced wildly as I thought about stepping into that exam room as a father.
It was only slightly less annoying than the constant drum of my fingertips against the wooden armrest. I’d stopped that after earning a death glare from the pregnant mother of three who was sitting across the room as her children played with the toys they’d brought.
After that, I kept my fists clenched tightly so as not to move them. It seemed safer that way.
Sawyer leaned over and placed her hand on my knee. The contact had me turning to see her slightly bemused expression. “Are you okay?” she whispered. “Are you trying to wind yourself up for takeoff or something?”
I huffed a laugh, running my sweat-laced palms against my thighs.
“Just nervous. I don’t know why.” I could understand if it was her first, or even if we were about to find out the gender, but this was just a check-up.
Sawyer had been to so many over the past seven months.
She’d even told me what to expect so that I wasn’t caught off guard.
No matter how many times I reminded myself of this, it didn’t stop the nerves from setting in. This appointment felt like such a pivotal moment in my and Sawyer’s relationship. I didn’t want to fuck it up, especially when she was leaning on me for comfort.
Sawyer hummed softly. “You know, Liv nearly had to drag me into this office kicking and screaming for my first appointment.”
“Really?” I asked.
She nodded. “Being here made everything feel too real. I mean, I’d already taken a stupid number of tests, so I knew what she was going to say before she said it, but hearing her say the words ‘you’re pregnant’ was like being doused in cold water.
I didn’t speak on the entire ride home even though Liv tried everything in her power to get me to break. ”
If there was one thing I was grateful for, it was Olivia Hart-Bennett.
She was a better friend to Sawyer than any of my friends had ever been to me.
Hell, I still hadn’t admitted to anyone back home that I was going to be a father.
It wasn’t because I was ashamed. I wanted more than anything to have someone I could talk to about this.
Duke was the only person I knew who could relate, but I wasn’t sure how to talk to someone who looked genuinely unhappy to be in my presence.
If I couldn’t be there for Sawyer, I was glad she’d had Olivia.
“Sawyer Sutton?” a young nurse called, looking around the room.
I stood and held my arm out for Sawyer. She took it graciously, pushing to her feet with a groan.
Her movements had been slower as of late.
Part of that was because of our boy’s growth spurt, but I worried about her.
There were times she swayed as she stood, closing her eyes as though dizzy.
Anytime I asked if she was okay, she waved it off as moving too fast.
We followed the nurse back, stopping to get Sawyer’s weight and do a urine test, before we settled in the exam room.
She went through a laundry list of questions while Sawyer’s vitals were taken, and the answers were jotted down for the doctor.
Then, she turned to us with a smile and said, “Let’s see that baby boy, shall we? ”
“O-Oh,” Sawyer stammered. “I, uh, didn’t know we were going to do one today.”
“Normally, we wouldn’t, but it’s been a minute since our last look, and the doctor wants to get an idea of how the baby is doing.” The nurse looked between us, standing at the door. “Is that okay?”
“Of course it is.” Sawyer’s laugh was entirely unconvincing. If it wasn’t, the way her voice went up an octave said it all. “I was just surprised.”
“Great! I’ll grab the sonographer and tell her you’re ready. Be back in just a minute.” The nurse left the room, leaving Sawyer and me in an uncomfortable silence. I didn’t know what the protocol was here, but I wanted to make sure she was comfortable.
I placed my hand on her upper back. “I can wait outside if you’re not comfortable with me being here for this.
” For the first time, I worried that coming with her instead of Olivia was the wrong choice.
She was probably much better at this than I was, seeing as she’d been through it before.
I, on the other hand, was absolutely terrified to do the wrong thing somehow.
When I moved toward the door, Sawyer latched on to my arm. “Don’t go,” she breathed. I turned back to look at her, my heart breaking at the panic I saw. “I want you here.”
Swallowing my uncertainty, I nodded and pressed a kiss to her temple. “Whatever you want, sugar.”
I helped her get settled on the exam table, glancing away as she raised her shirt and slid her maternity jeans down below her swollen belly.
It was stupid, I knew that. We’d already seen each other naked, but this was different.
This, somehow, felt more intimate than the night we spent in each other’s arms.
The sonographer came in the moment we got settled, giving a brief introduction before jumping into the imaging. Sawyer gripped my hand, hissing as she squeezed a gel onto her skin. “Sorry.” The sonographer winced. “I know it feels weird.”
“You think I’d be used to it by now,” Sawyer grumbled.
If I thought I was nervous before, it was nothing compared to waiting for the first live image to pop up on the screen. Sawyer and I waited, staring patiently until I heard the telltale sign of a heartbeat.
Then I saw him.
Sawyer had shown me every sonogram image she’d had done, but seeing it in person as it happened was an entirely different experience. He was more perfect than I could ever dream of. It was probably my imagination, but I swore I saw Sawyer and I reflected in the grainy image.
His slightly upturned nose and those dimples were all his mother. The way he scrunched his face as the wand pressed into his mom’s belly, too. Apparently, her sass was genetic.
But I saw parts of me, too.
There weren’t many photos of me as a child, let alone a baby, but I remembered the one my mom used to keep in her wallet when I was growing up. We both had chubby cheeks and long fingers. And his feet! My god. They were massive.
Sawyer squeezed my hand, and I tore my gaze from the screen. I didn’t even realize I was crying until she reached up and wiped away a tear. “I’m sorry,” I laughed, blinking away any that remained. “It’s so surreal.”
There were tears in her own eyes as she said, “That’s our son.”
Our. Son.
Two words had never sounded so sweet. It hadn’t been lost on me that Sawyer had never uttered them in my presence, but hearing them now was worth the wait.
There were a million things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t get them out.
As I stared down into her deep green eyes, I couldn’t help but hope and pray our little boy took after his mom.
Without thinking, I leaned down and kissed her, hoping she felt everything I couldn’t say. It might not have been the right thing to do, and Sawyer might kick my ass later for the public display, but it didn’t deter me. I had to let her know how much this moment meant to me.
“Your little boy looks healthy,” the sonographer said, wiping Sawyer’s belly clean. “He’s grown so much since last time.”
Sawyer sniffed and reached for the waistband of her jeans to pull them back over her belly. “Tell me about it. I feel everything in there now. He’s a little wiggle worm, always jabbing me in the ribs to try and make more room.”
“That never changes, even after they’re born,” the sonographer laughed, reaching for something off the printer. “I’ve got three little ones at home, and they’re constantly crawling all over me. I rarely make it through a day unscathed.”
“Fantastic,” Sawyer deadpanned. “I can’t wait.”
“You get used to it.” The tech handed over two long strips of film. “I’ll let the doctor know I’m finished here. She should be in shortly.”
I looked down at the images in my hand as Sawyer pulled her shirt down.
It was crazy to love someone you’d never met before, but my heart swelled in my chest as I stared at my son’s face.
If I felt like this after looking at a picture, what would it be like to see him in person?
To hear his screams after he sucked in his first breath?
Or opened his eyes and took a look at the world around him?
“He’s perfect, you know,” I said, handing the other strip of photos to her when she settled in.
“Of course he is,” she murmured, curling her lips into a smile. “He’s ours.”
Wasn’t that the truth? I imagined most parents followed that train of thought, but it felt different with Sawyer. With her admitting it.
I never considered myself a sentimental person.
There was no box of knick-knacks from my childhood that I couldn’t bring myself to part with, or scrapbook filled with memories.
But that had all changed when I met Sawyer.
Suddenly, I was keeping cheap frozen corn dogs on hand and missing the fresh scent of cherries.
“I know this hasn’t been easy. And I’m sure it hasn’t gone the way either of us imagined, but,” I paused, looking down at my feet.
Staring at her while I admitted this felt like too much.
We’d already blurred so many lines today.
I didn’t want to push my luck, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“I’m honored that I have the privilege of doing this with you.
Kids were never in my cards. I didn’t want to have them just for the sake of it, and not be able to give them every part of me they deserved. ”
Her hand found mine, intertwining our fingers, and I finally felt brave enough to look up. “It’s definitely unconventional,” she said slowly. “But I agree. There’s no one else I’d rather do this with, Beckett. No one else I’d trust.”