Chapter 16
She’s not in the backyard and not in the basement.
I race out on the street, screaming her name over and over again, but the wind catches it and grinds it into nothing.
Margot. She must be at Margot’s. Obviously, she’s there.
Before I have time to finish that thought, I start running again.
But Margot isn’t home, and Cactus isn’t there. I swallow hard.
It’s a full-blown storm now. Probably the worst storm I’ve ever seen in real life. The trees are lying horizontally in the strongest gusts, and the rain feels like spikes against my skin. But I don’t care. I don’t actually feel it.
For a moment, I stand bewildered, my head spinning in all directions. Okay, think June, think. Where would you go if you were her?
I think so hard my brain almost hurts. Where is she?
And then, without fully knowing what I’m doing, I start running.
I run, and it feels like the wind is trying to stop me.
It’s pushing me back, but I push harder.
It’s like all the running I’ve done in my life has led up to this moment.
I run as if my life depended on it. Why does it feel like it does?
The moment my feet hit the beach, the whole sky is lit by flashes and followed by a riot of thunder. The brief lightning exposes the chaos that is the ocean. It looks like a scene from an apocalypse movie.
“Cactus! Caaaactuus!” I yell at the top of my lungs, only for my voice to disappear into nothing. It’s like one of those dreams where you have to warn people about danger, but you’ve lost your voice.
But I keep screaming her name as I run along the black beach. The storm tosses me back and forth. I lose my balance, landing with my hand on something sharp. A burning pain shoots through me, but I don’t care. All I know is I must find her. I must. I keep running, and I keep screaming for her.
Every time the sky is illuminated by lightning, I take the chance to get a better look at my surroundings. It looks so different from how it usually does. It’s like another place. I struggle to tell what’s what among the driftwood, broken branches, and trash.
I run back and forth, searching through the different things I imagine might be her. Why did I run here? Why did I think she’d be here? She could be anywhere, hurt and afraid. And all alone.
My throat hurts when I scream her name again, it’s hard to scream with lungs this small. I need to find her. I need to bring her home.
The sea is roaring next to me, drowning any attempt to call her name again. “Please let me find her,” I whisper, wiping away something from my eyes. Please.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Collins? Trying to get yourself killed?”
I hitch a breath when I hear the voice. I make a half-spin and think I’m hallucinating when I find him there, standing in a dark raincoat with his hair all wet. Looking furious.
I don’t know what he sees, but his expression changes completely when our eyes meet. The anger disappears, and he takes a quick step forward.
“What’s happened?”
“She ran away. I don’t know where she is. She’s gone.”
His brow is furrowed as he takes another step. “What? Who?”
I swallow, wiping away the warmth from my cheeks. “Cactus.”
His serious expression deepens. He looks like he’s trying to understand what I’m saying, like I’m speaking a completely foreign language. “Cactus ran away?” In a swift movement, he pulls off his raincoat and quickly drapes it over me. His own sweatshirt is soaked within seconds.
I nod. “I was in the shower and when I got out, she was gone. I searched the house. The garden.” I look around in the thick darkness, the wind pulling my wet hair.
“Are you sure? Was the front door open?”
My eyes burn as I turn them back to him. “I was sure I closed it. But . . .” I swallow hard. “I’m the worst.” My voice breaks, and I can’t bear to look at him anymore.
In one stride, he’s right in front of me, shifting my head back to him with a soft hand on my chin. “June. It’s not your fault. Dogs run away sometimes. We’ll find her. I promise.” His other hand caresses my cheek, gently wiping away my tears. “Now tell me, why did you think she ran here?”
“I don’t know. A feeling . . .” I hear how stupid I sound. A feeling made me come here?
Benjamin nods slowly. “Okay.” I can hear he’s not convinced. “Okay, then we’ll keep looking here.”
I sob. “No. You go home. It’s not safe here. I’ll do it by myself.”
But Benjamin ignores me. “You searched this part of the beach, right?” He points over my shoulder.
I nod.
“Okay, so we’ll search this area together. But you must promise to stay close to me all the time. Okay?”
I nod again. I will do whatever he says as long as he lets me keep looking for Cactus.
The storm has gotten even worse by now, throwing the rain mercilessly before our eyes. I struggle to keep my balance and see more than an inch in front of me.
We don’t talk, Benjamin and I, but I feel him throwing glances at me every now and then. Making sure I’m still there.
We’re shouting her name but it’s useless, the wind just swallows it. And no matter how hard we look, she’s nowhere. I start shaking with panic as I begin to realize that if she’s been out here this long, in this weather, chances are she’s not . . . No. No, she has to be here somewhere. She must be.
After what feels like minutes but is probably more than that, Benjamin turns to me with a heavy look on his face.
“No,” I say before he can say anything. “I’m not giving up. I’m not.”
“I’m not asking you to, but . . .” He sighs, averting his gaze as if that’ll help him find the right words. When he meets my eyes again, his face looks torn. “But maybe she’s not here. Maybe she ran somewhere else.”
Just the thought of her being somewhere else when I’m here, possibly wasting valuable time in the wrong place, is unbearable. I shake my head furiously. “No, she must be here.”
“June.” Benjamin cups my face with both his hands, forcing me to look at him. “We’ve searched the whole beach. She’s not here. Let’s go back to my house, change, and then take my car to continue looking for her.”
I can see it in his eyes, I know what he’s thinking. My eyes fill with tears. No. No. No. I never gave her a chance. I didn’t take care of her. I never did. It’s like Clara said—she’d lost her family. And instead of giving her time, I gave her nothing.
“You can go home. It’s okay. But I’m staying. I . . .”
That’s when I hear it—a weak whine.
“Did you hear that?”
Benjamin looks saddened when he slowly shakes his head. “It’s just the wind. It’s . . .”
I hear it again and whip around, a small flame of hope suddenly flickering in my chest. I strain to hear over the wailing wind. Please, one more time.
It’s weaker this time, but I still hear it and start to sprint toward the beach grass above us.
Benjamin calls my name, but I ignore him. I run as fast as my legs can carry me. “Please, please, please,” I keep whispering. “Please.”
She’s partly hidden, but I spot her almost immediately. She’s lying curled up in a pit in the sand. With my heart pounding in my throat, I throw myself down beside her. She’s soaking wet and almost completely still.
“I’m here. I’m here, sweetheart. Take it easy. Everything will be okay,” I whisper in her ear, finally running my hand over the fur I’ve never touched before. I cry heavily now, without knowing why. We’ve found her—she’s safe.
But something is wrong. Cactus isn’t moving. And as Benjamin kneels on her other side, looking gravely serious instead of relieved, I know it’s true. Something is wrong.
“What is it? What’s wrong? She’ll be okay, right?”
Benjamin doesn’t answer me; he just shoots me a quick glance I can’t interpret before he returns his attention to Cactus again.
I reach out and grab his shoulder. “Please save her. Please. I need her.”
He nods once, dipping his chin without showing what he’s really thinking. Then he places a hand on Cactus’s chest, and when our eyes meet again, he can’t hide his concern. “She has a pulse, but it’s very weak. We need to get her inside now.”
I swallow. “Okay, great, she has a pulse.”
Benjamin hesitates. “June. I need you to know that this is very serious. There are no guarantees.”
I try to swallow past the lump in my throat.
“First, we need to free her from this,” he says, and that’s when I see it. She’s stuck to something.
“What is it?”
“A fishing net. She must’ve gotten her paw stuck in it, and then the net got caught on this one.
” He points to a small root. Then, as if it’s nothing, he rips the net free from the root before putting his arms under Cactus’s body and carefully lifting her.
She doesn’t move in his arms. Benjamin and I exchange a look before I, despite his protests, pull off his raincoat and put it over Cactus instead.
He gives my T-shirt and bare legs a worried look.
“I’ll be all right. Please, just hurry.”
To my great relief, he does as I ask. I half-run behind him on the path leading up to his house. Every five seconds, he turns to check I’m still there.
This time as I see his house, I don’t think about how beautiful it is. All I can think about is the dog lying in his arms. My dog.
Audrey sits inside the door and waits, as if she knew we were coming. She’s calm, her tail completely still next to her. It’s as if she can sense the gravity of the moment.
I follow Benjamin deeper into the house and into what looks like a guest room. Carefully, he puts Cactus down on the bed. Then he moves very quickly.
“She has hypothermia, which means her body temperature is too low. We need to get her warm as soon as possible. I’ll get everything we need if you can stay here and talk to her. She knows you. Your voice makes her feel safe.”
I want to protest, but Benjamin interrupts as he hurries past me. “I promise. You make her safe.”