37. Tess
THIRTY-SEVEN
TESS
Hot tip: nobody can tell you’re crying when you’re swimming in a lake.
Wren put together a day trip to distract August and me. She didn’t say it in so many words, but I can do the math. She’s been tiptoeing around me ever since I told her I…well, that I chickened out with Ian.
It’s not really a breakup if you were never together. And technically, we’re still friends. I didn’t sever ties, I only said I couldn’t see him that way anymore. But since then, we haven’t seen him at all. I guess we’re both avoiding each other.
The duplex has never felt so stifling.
Wren invited Hope and Lila along with their men to come out to Caldera Lake with us. It’s a gorgeous day, clear and hot, and the water reflects the mountains in the distance. We’re splashing around in the sun, having the time of our lives.
Or looking like we are.
“But why couldn’t Ian come, Mama?” August asks.
I can’t count how many times he’s asked about Ian in the last three days. I foolishly hoped he’d be focused on Dutch, but it’s Ian he keeps asking for. Every time he asks, my heart crushes into a finer dust, knowing if I’d been smarter, I would have spared him this.
But I let him get attached, just like I did. The single-parenting advice columnists would be so disappointed in me.
“Ian’s brother is still in town.” It’s the truth but also a lie. I know they’re still here because their rental car keeps showing up next door. But since I never invited Ian in the first place, it’s a shabby excuse. “So we just came with friends today.”
“But he’s our friend, too.”
My little guy has no idea how he’s twisting the vise around my chest.
“Hey, buddy!” Griffin swims over to commandeer the purple hippo float August is perched on. “Want to play I Spy?”
Hope rests her elbows on the edge of the float. “Griffin’s good at I Spy. He needs someone who can really challenge him. Think you can?”
“Yeah!” August bounces on his knees on the big float, holding onto his life jacket.
They swim a little distance away from me, looping him into their game and taking his mind off of Ian.
I guess everyone knows about the real reason behind lake day.
Wren swims closer to me. I hate the concern on her face—she’s supposed to be a sassy spitfire teasing me for being a stick in the mud, not a worried sister checking in on my broken heart.
“When are you going to talk to Mom?”
Oh. I lost my momentum for that conversation after I…did what I did with Ian. I don’t know how to describe it. Smashed my own happiness in order to avoid worse heartbreak in the future? Doesn’t feel like such a hot bargain right now.
“I have some time. Charlie won’t be ready to start hosting weddings for a couple of months.”
“If you keep putting it off, I’m afraid you’ll back out entirely.”
It’s crossed my mind. However this shakes out, I’ll be rocking the boat at the family business. And as I reminded myself this week, I’m not good at staying afloat. Dry land is best for me. I can be happy making pies and cupcakes. The status quo isn’t so bad.
“Don’t give up on this,” she says gently. “Don’t be like Mom and put off your own happiness for literal decades.”
I dip my head under the water, washing away fresh tears.
“I’m trying to preserve my happiness, Wren.”
She shakes her head, bobbing in the lake. “Not this way. Not by never risking a little heartache.”
“It’s not a little ,” I choke out.
I paddle a few strokes until she’s behind me. Pulling away from Ian has left a visceral pain beneath my ribs. I knew I’d gotten in over my head, but I didn’t realize I was this close to the bottom. Every day we don’t talk on the back patio is a fresh ache, every night we don’t share a few moments together a new cut. I hate every minute of it.
But doesn’t that prove this is for the best? Better to get out now before I’m in any deeper. Better to spare August from caring even more for someone we can’t keep.
All those betters don’t bring me any comfort.
Wren swims back into my line of sight. “Hey. I’m here for you no matter what.”
“I know.”
She tries for a smile. “I push because I care.”
“I know that, too.”
Past her, August and Hope shout at Lila and Grant, who seem to be making out in the water a short distance away. They tone it down, but barely.
“They’re so cute together.” And not just because the man truly is an Adonis sculpted by Michelangelo himself. They haven’t known each other long, but it’s obvious their affection goes beyond any casual acquaintance. They really seem to bring out the best in each other and want the other’s happiness.
It’s both adorable and selfishly painful to watch.
“He’s going back to Texas soon, though,” Wren says.
“I guess Lila can handle the heartbreak.” Not sure how, after everything she’s been through. She’s a lot braver than I am.
“Or she knows whatever time they have together will be worth the risk.”
Wren’s pointed look cuts just as sharp as her words.
Risk. Caution. Here, both paths lead to heartache.
“I think you’re giving up too soon,” she tells me.
“You’re terrible at distracting people.” I duck my head under the water again.
She swims even closer. “I saw you two at the party. I’ve never seen you look at anyone that way.”
Because I’ve never felt this much for anyone before. That’s the whole point in trying to protect myself. Even if I’m pretty sure it’s too late.
“Both you and August were so happy, Tess. And the three of you together? You looked like a fam?—”
“Don’t.”
She winces at my clipped tone.
“Please,” I say more gently. I know she’s trying to help. But I can’t take it right now. I can’t hear how great things might have been if only . “It hurts too much to think that way. Just…don’t.”
Wren’s gaze grows sad, but she swims over to join August, Hope, and Griffin.
And me? I let my tears run into the lake water.