38. Ian
THIRTY-EIGHT
IAN
Getting into a fistfight with your brother at a family dinner is rude, right? I need the clarification because Steven’s sorely tempting me.
“I can’t figure out what’s gotten into him,” he’s saying to the others.
Amy and Jodi invited the three of us to their house for dinner on the last night before Steven and Iris fly back to Colorado. I thought about hiding out in the duplex, but my former refuge has turned into a brutal reminder of everything I want but can’t have. So I joined them, and I’ve regretted it since I walked in the door.
“He sure had a better attitude at his party.” Steven looks me over. “His scowling is back up to nuclear levels, too.”
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here,” I bite out.
“You’ve barely spoken to us tonight. I wasn’t sure it mattered.”
I look away, my arms crossed over my chest like a petulant child. I shouldn’t have come. I’m not in a mood to be around anybody, especially not people who find my bad attitude amusing.
“Ian.” Amy tries to soothe me with gentleness. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Nothing I want to explain, anyway.
The woman I love made a preemptive strike. Ended things before she could get hurt. For her sake, I hope it worked. For mine, well…let’s just say, my heart’s an open wound, and I’m not even trying to stanch the blood.
“You were so happy at the party.” Iris watches me like she’s trying to figure out the best angle to capture my morose mood. “What went wrong?”
Only a fool would say Tess was my sunshine and now that she’s gone, my days are full of oppressive rainclouds. But I am a fool, so…
“We all know heartbreak when we see it.” Jodi opts for a scalpel straight across my flesh.
I want to rage. Tell them it’s none of their business. Pretend my heart isn’t bleeding in my chest. But that road has never taken me very far. And honestly, I’ve lost the fight for pretending.
I sigh, dragging a hand over my hair to tug on the knot at the back of my head. “Tess doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
They seem surprised by this news, as if they didn’t suspect something like it from my attitude these last few days.
“What happened?” Amy wants to know.
I run my thumb over the condensation on my water glass until I catch a drop the same way I caught her tear. “She told me she can’t risk her heart on someone who’s not sticking around.”
It’s all I’ve been able to think about. She’s afraid of seeing in me the ghost of the man who left her pregnant and alone. I want to rail at the comparison, but am I really so much better than that guy? I was ready to tell her I love with no clear plan for a future with her. Just living in the moment the same way I always have. She deserves more than that. They both do.
Across from me, Iris raises her hand. “That might be our fault.”
I look between the two of them. “Which part?”
Iris lifts her eyebrows at Steven as if that will jog his memory.
“What?” he says. “I didn’t say it to break them up. That’s just a fact.”
“What did you say to her?”
He spreads his hands wide. “The truth. That you’re coming back to Durango and the business as soon as possible.”
The women at the table groan over his obvious stupidity. Even I can see it, but as the one his stupidity devastated, that fits.
“What?” he says again. “This is just a short-term thing, right?”
Fleeing here started out that way, but nothing about it feels temporary anymore. Especially not how I feel about Tess.
“I know you like her,” he says. “But you’re not actually serious about a woman with a kid, are you?”
I bring my hand down hard on the table. “That ‘woman and her kid’ are everything to me. Everything .”
Silence rings in the room. I’ve said too much already, but I keep talking.
“Tess is all things sweet and soft and gentle. But if you cross the people she loves, she’ll make you regret it. She is sunlight on my skin. A warm embrace when I’m cold. She is laughter on my worst day. She’s a better woman than I deserve, and I want her anyway. Her and August, Steven. I want them both.”
They stare at me for a full five seconds. Yeah, I got a little poetic there. Love and rejection will do that to a guy.
“Ian.” Iris reaches across the table to where my hand still rests. “I know the plan was to come back to Colorado when you were ready…but you can always change the plan.”
“What?” Steven sputters. “That’s not what we’re?—”
“It’s your life,” Jodi says over him. “And I believe you do deserve the love you want. Maybe even more so because you think you don’t.”
“It’s the shabby men who think they deserve it all who actually don’t,” Iris adds.
That shuts Steven’s mouth.
“Nobody deserves her,” I tell them. “Least of all me. And it’s not just about Colorado. It’s everything she’s too good to say. I’ve never had a relationship like this, never had anything close. The old me wouldn’t have wanted one.”
Then, I would have been stupid enough to walk away from her. Now, I want her more than anything, and she’s still slipping through my fingers.
“You keep saying you’re not the same man you used to be.” Amy’s steely gaze pierces me. “Maybe that’s true in more ways than one.”
“Do you love her?” Iris asks gently.
“Yes.” I would rather tell Tess before anyone at this table, but I can’t sit here and deny it. “It scares the hell out of me for all the ways I could ruin this, but yes. I love her.”
“Then don’t let her get away.”
“Are we just going to act like our business isn’t even in the picture?” Steven asks.
Iris shoots him a withering look. “Yes.”
“As long as I understand what’s going on,” he mutters.
“I’m pretty sure there’s this thing about accepting a woman’s ‘no’ the first time.” I’ve thought about knocking on Tess’s door fifty times a day since she rejected me. But I can’t barge my way into her life if she doesn’t want me there.
“I’m not talking about violating her trust,” Iris says. “I’m talking about earning it.”
“The last guy Tess fell for didn’t stick around to catch her,” Amy tells me. “Be her soft place to land so she knows it’s safe to fall for you.”
I would be that for her if I could. Right now, that feels like a big if.
“I don’t know if I can be the man she needs. She deserves so much more than I’ve ever tried to give. I don’t want to fail her.”
Steven huffs. “Since when do you expect to fail? You’re the guy who stands in front of a blizzard and says, ‘Do your worst.’ You’re the guy who sees something nobody’s ever done before and says, ‘I will.’ Are you Ian Vaughn or not?”
For a long time, I thought maybe I wasn’t. If I didn’t have my career or my reputation, I wasn’t sure I could claim to be the same man. But I’m not willing to live in limbo anymore, unsure of who I am or what I want.
I want Tess and August. I want a life here with them. I want my family.
“I am Ian Vaughn,” I tell him.
And I don’t run from challenges.
I might not run from challenges, but I sure am walking slowly to meet the one on the other end of my front porch. Possibly because I don’t want to burn my hands on a hot casserole dish. Or look like a creeper who’s been watching out the front window, waiting for Tess’s car to pull in the driveway. One or the other.
I ring her doorbell with my elbow, a platter propped in my hands. I get about ten seconds to prepare myself before she opens the door.
I was not prepared.
She’s just so…soft. Light. Open. Blond tendrils stray from her bun, framing her face with strands of sunlight. Her blue eyes widen when she sees me.
“Ian.” Her breathy greeting makes my stomach dip.
“Hi, angel,” I finally say.
Her gaze drops to the items in my hands. “What’s this?”
“I made dinner for you and August. Chicken enchiladas with steamed broccoli, and sliced mangoes and kiwi.” It’s probably too much, but I need to start somewhere.
She hesitates as if maybe she wishes I hadn’t started anywhere. “That’s really sweet of you.”
“I like taking care of you.”
Her mouth drops open, but I keep talking.
“Tess, I understand your fears, and I know why you have them. You need to do what’s best for you and August. But, angel, I’m going to try my hardest to prove to you that I am the best for you both.”
She’s still staring at me, mouth slightly agape, when August runs to the door.
“Hi, Ian!” He hugs me around the middle without a second’s pause. “I’ve missed you.”
I never knew that little phrase could make me so happy. “I’ve missed you, too, buddy.”
He stands on tiptoes to peer at the items on my tray. “What do you have?”
I lower the tray so he can see. “I brought enchiladas for you and your mom.”
“What’s that white goo on top? I don’t know if I like white goo.”
I pull a silly face. “That’s queso. It’s cheese.”
“Oh. I might like it okay. Are you going to eat dinner with us?”
“I can’t. I have some things to do tonight.” I hate to disappoint him, but promising him I will another time would be overstepping.
“With Dutch?”
“Not with Dutch.” I’ve been trying to make things easier on August by not taking Dutch into the back yard these last few days, but I don’t think it worked for either of them. My dog’s pining hard.
Just like his owner.
“Why don’t you set the table for us?” Tess tells him.
He frowns as if he might argue but eventually wanders into the kitchen. I’m not certain he’ll actually set the table, but at least he had the intent.
Tess and I watch each other over my steaming casserole dish. Reminds me of another food-related impasse we had. I move it a few inches closer to her, and she blinks as if waking up. She takes it from me, and her fingers brush over mine.
Not nearly enough, but I will take anything at this point.
“You didn’t have to go to all this trouble,” she says softly.
“Yes, I do. I want to do more than this, Tess. So much more.”
“Why?”
“Because I looked at that compass you gave me, and I found my true north.” I lean in so I can whisper. “It’s you.”
Her jaw works but no sound comes out. I’ve left my angel speechless. That’s okay. I have more plans to set in motion.
“Enjoy your dinner, Tess.”
I forgot how exhausting going to a bar with a twenty-something could be. Nathan Bridger not only knows everyone in here, but he’s a chatterbox. He’s introduced me to at least a dozen people tonight, every one eager to welcome me to Sunshine.
I don’t hate it. I’m still not as comfortable as I used to be in a situation like this, but I’ll get there. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll stay here in the middle of the sociable scale. It’s not the worst place to be.
A few people have asked about my leg, but most have asked me more mundane questions. And even the ones who did ask haven’t made it weird. Not a Mr. Miller among them. I’ll run into another one eventually, but I can’t let people with no social filter make me hide away anymore.
“Guy came to the medic tent every day of that festival covered head to toe in hives,” Nathan’s telling me. Our conversation has devolved to “dumbest things we’ve seen.” “We give him the same line of questions every time, trying to pin it down. He says he’s allergic to tree nuts but he’s careful to stay away. No trail mix, no coconut oil, nothing. But we go through everything he’s eaten anyway. Come to find out, he’s been eating Nutella all weekend.” Nathan’s laugh is almost as good as August’s, hearty and just slightly too loud. “He’d never had it before and was gorging on the stuff.”
“Most accidents I’ve seen in the wild are self-inflicted.” Didn’t pack enough supplies, drank water that wasn’t filtered, thought it’d be cool to pet a wild animal—you name it. We’re all our own worst enemies.
I sure have been.
“My older brother, Graham, is the poster child for that stuff. He’s a hopeless case on camping trips. These days, he sticks to field trips with his high school science class.”
“Is it just the two of you?”
“Nope. First, there’s our oldest brother, Luke. He’s taken over our dad’s hardware store. Very responsible, that one. Then Reed, who is the opposite of Graham in every way, and would rather live alone in his cabin in the woods than be around a living soul. Then Graham, then our sister, Lucy. She’s the wild card. Then , me.”
“And I thought two brothers was a lot.”
“Oh, it was chaos growing up. That’s what I want when I have a family. Kids everywhere.”
Not that long ago, I would have said that sounded horrible. Now, after spending time with one rambunctious child…it’s not such a bad plan.
He points the rim of his beer bottle at me. “Did you tell your brothers you’re staying yet?”
I stare at him. I haven’t mentioned a word about that.
He flashes me a cheeky look. “Come on. I’m a very persuasive guy.”
I can only chuckle. “It was all you, huh?”
“And the help of two cute blondes.”
I point a finger in warning. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t like him talking about Tess that way. “Yeah, I told them. They’re dealing with it.”
Maybe I could have figured out a way to do the kinds of rigorous guides I used to do. Invested in specialty prosthetics and foot attachments, made modifications to my trips. But those aren’t options now that I know what I’d be missing out on here.
Everything .
“I submitted an online application to Backcountry EMT.” It wouldn’t be so bad if the next phase of my life is more about helping other people than helping myself.
His grin is an obnoxious thing to behold. “I should have been a salesman. Look at me go.”
“You’re going to give yourself a gloating injury.”
He holds his beer bottle out. “Did we just become best friends?”
It’s a little much. But I’ve missed this, no matter how exhausting or obnoxious.
“Best friends,” I confirm.
His attention fixes on something past my shoulder. “Hey. Want to meet Leo Dalesandro?”
“The football player?” Should probably tack on former football player to that, after his brutal injury last season and retirement announcement.
“He’s over there with Shepherd Callahan.”
“Do you know Leo?”
“Nah.” Nathan grins. “But I know Shepherd, and that’s close enough. Should we go say hello?”
My attempt to make a friendly gesture has turned into more introductions than I ever expected. But hey. Might as well keep on trying.
“Why not?”