22. Maddy
MADDY
Time goes by impossibly slow when you’re ignoring your stepbrother after giving him an indecent let’s-cut-all-ties present.
It suits me fine, though.
Because that means I’ve had enough time to focus on the presentation I have to give in class this week. I’ve been doing nothing but studying, note-taking, and practicing by myself in my room. The hard part is when the sun goes down, and I find myself alone in my room.
Making new friends feels like too much trouble after what happened with Jordan and Cal. And since I’m having zero conversation with Kayden, I really have no one to talk to.
I could talk to Mom, but I can’t tell her what I feel or what I’m going through. How the thoughts of doing things I shouldn’t with my stepbrother give me R-rated dreams, forcing me to put pen to paper to rid of the fantasies I don’t want to have.
So I do what I shouldn’t—I find solace in my fingers and my smutty books, believing that eventually I’ll find someone who accepts me and wants me as I am. Who won’t ask too much of me, who I’ll be enough for. Someone who won’t leave me and stay by my side no matter what.
Deep down, I want that. Even though my head keeps telling me I don’t need anyone, that I’m better on my own, free of drama and annoying feelings.
My phone buzzes on my desk, and my eyes divert to the illuminated message.
Kayden:
What are u doing?
I snort. I knew he’d give in sooner or later. He couldn’t help himself. I’m a toy to him, nothing more.
Maddy:
What do you want?
As much as I don’t want to, my heart’s stuck in my throat, anticipating a reply.
Kayden:
What makes you think I want anything?
Maddy:
Because you’re texting me.
Kayden:
Can’t a brother check on his sister?
Maddy:
We aren’t siblings, Kayden.
Kayden:
Then, what are we? *Winky face*
Maddy:
You and I? NOTHING.
Kayden:
That’s okay. We don’t need to define our relationship, Little Demon.
Maddy:
There is no relationship to define.
I huff. Why is he so annoying?
I throw myself down on my bed, eyes fixed on the screen of my phone.
Kayden:
No relationship? No problem.
Kayden:
I can keep teaching you things if you want to.
I don’t reply.
Ping. Ping. Ping.
Kayden:
No feelings involved. *Smiley face* No strings attached.
Kayden:
I can’t stop thinking about your pretty cunt.
Kayden:
And your mouth stuffed with my cock.
My chest churns. My fingers freeze in the air, holding myself back from typing a reply.
Kayden:
Our parents don’t have to find out.
Is this all he ever wanted from me? Sexual favors? Hiding from our parents? Is that what turns him on? Doing forbidden things behind closed doors?
I swallow.
Why does my body heat up at the thought of doing other things with Kayden?
It was supposed to be only once.
It pains me to type it, but I need to make it clear.
I’m not his dirty little secret. I’m not his whore.
Maddy:
Hard pass.
Maddy:
That was a one-time thing. A present. Hold onto that memory if you want. It’ll never repeat itself. Stop wasting your time.
There are plenty of apps for hook-ups if that’s what he wants. I’m going to make it my mission to be the only thing he can’t have.
Together, we’re bad.
Together, we’re chaos.
There’s no future for us.
There never was.
***
Walking into class next Friday has me full of nerves. I’ve got a presentation to nail. I keep scratching my arm and leaving red marks.
When the professor calls my name, I rise, ready to give it my best.
The class is made of rows of long desks and chairs, with stairs on the sides. A couple of hundred faces focus on whoever’s in the front.
Kayden’s in this class too, and I’ve got no idea what he’s planning to present. I never asked.
He sits on one of the seats closer to the stairs, and as I climb them down, I hear him murmur Good luck.
I don’t turn to face him and keep walking with my head high. I’m not going to let Kayden ruin what I’ve been working so hard for. Ignoring him is the best thing I can do, just as I did with his messages.
I’m not feeding his ego anymore. Not giving him the attention he craves.
Now, I focus on what I came here to do.
It’s a pretend lesson on why reading is important for our development.
I need to teach it as if they were my students and I was the teacher.
The professor said this is something we’d have to do much later in the semester, but he wanted us to start early so we would get used to it by the time we’re tested on it.
It’s an exercise. Yet, the nerves are all the same.
I stand in front of everyone, as the professor hands me a small remote that’s meant to skip forward the slides of the presentation on the projector on the wall.
“Do you have a USB drive?” he asks.
I hand it to him, and he pushes it into the laptop on his desk.
Faces I recognize from every day spread across the room. Jordan, whose eyes don’t want to meet mine, is among them. Kayden is smiling, as if he’s about to watch a freak show.
I swallow and look at someone else at a far corner. Someone whose face I can’t make out.
Taking a deep breath, I start.
“Hello, everyone. I’m Madelyn De Luna, and I’ll be your teacher for the day.
” Pause. “Today, we’re going to be learning about the importance of reading for our development.
” My heart is beating hard with each word I say.
“There are many reasons why reading is important. Does anyone have any idea why?” Silence.
“O-okay. Let me give you some examples in the following interactive presentation.”
I stare at the screen behind me and click on the remote, willing it to skip forward to the next slide of the presentation. Then, face the audience and smile.
“As you can see here—”
A gasp makes me stop.
More gasps.
The whole front row is wide-eyed.
“What the fuck?” someone shouts.
The professor clears his throat. “Miss De Luna!”
He runs to me, grabbing the remote before I turn and understand what’s happening.
“Stop that right now.”
There’s a video playing on the screen with no sound.
A black and white clip from what looks like a surveillance camera.
My airways are failing me as I try to breathe, but I can’t. Holding my chest, I stare at the screen and will the image to disappear. I’m choking.
I’m going to faint.
No. Worse. I’m going to die.
Because the image on the screen is me—and Kayden. Us, in our home library.
I’m on my knees, doing something I shouldn’t have.
And now, everyone else in the room can see that too.