36. Madelyn #3
I grunt at him. “So you came up empty?”
“Yes. And I knew I was the only one who knew about Devon—my father doesn’t count—so, it made no sense.”
“What you’re trying to say is…”
“That I think it was me all along, Madelyn.” He confirms my suspicions. “I’ve got enough proof to think I did this. I’ve got a monster in me, and your diary unleashed it.”
“You mean…” I hesitate as I process his words. “Like a split personality?”
If he believes he did everything, it’d be the only explanation.
“Or an alter ego. I’m not sure. I’m awake, but I’m not. Whenever I’m him, it’s like I go into a trance. I’m watching a movie. I don’t have control of myself. I’m him, but I don’t know I’m him. It feels like a dream, and then I wake up. I don’t even remember anything most of the time.”
“That’s…” So complicated, I’m not sure I have words to fathom the whirl of emotions swimming inside me.
“It’s a lot, I know. I’m still trying to make sense of it, too. I’m so broken that I created a version of myself that sabotages my own life. I’m punishing myself. I’m unable to be happy. I won’t let myself. Happiness is not for me, Madelyn.”
“Or maybe…” My thoughts clear up.
I can see Kayden, all that he’s been through, the poor way he’s been coping with this. In a way, it reminds me of myself. The words become easy.
“You denied yourself of something you wanted for so long, because you thought you didn’t deserve that happiness, so you created a darker, twistier version of yourself that could do what you couldn’t in unethical ways.”
Just like me with my diary. I’m guilty of that, too. Of sabotaging myself. Of pushing away the one thing I wanted, thinking I don’t deserve it.
“This is going to sound stupid, because I haven’t done it myself. But what about therapy? We don’t need to look for a diagnosis if you don’t feel comfortable with it. But talking helps. Unloading what you’ve kept inside could be good. Have you ever seen someone about it?”
“Isn’t it obvious from looking at me, Little Demon? My father wouldn’t allow it, ever. Talking about your feelings and emotions equaled weakness to him. And it’s a bit too late for that now. I can’t talk to a therapist. Imagine me telling them about all the people I killed. I’d end up locked up.”
I shake my head. “They can’t disclose that information. Patient-client confidentiality or whatever. And you don’t have to talk about that; you could talk about other things.”
“Have you tried therapy?” He fires back at me, a sneer on his face. “I know you’ve got inner demons, too, Madelyn.”
Shit. “I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”
Mental health is so important, and I haven’t been doing a good job at it myself.
I lick my lips. “I know I’m not perfect.
Abandonment issues, trust issues, you name it.
I’m well aware. I’m…forget I said anything.
” I pause. I don’t want him to take this the wrong way.
“I wasn’t trying to push you to do anything.
That was my stupid way of saying you deserve to be heard, too, Kayden. ”
“I don’t want to be heard,” he says. “I couldn’t give any less shits about others and what they think of me. I want you to hear me. All I want is you.”
My heart’s beating so fast it sends waves of electricity throughout me.
“I’m just not sure I deserve you,” he says. “I’m a fuck up, and I fucked you up, too. Even back in college, I hurt you and denied it. I’m not a perfect person, I may not even be a good one. You deserve much better than me. I just needed you to know.”
He rubs his hands along his pants and then pulls out his phone, handing it to me.
“Turn me in. It’s okay.”
A whirlwind of emotions twirls in my chest. Everything Kayden is saying, how our lives are intertwined.
Am I fucked up for thinking we’re both broken people who found our other half?
To believe that he does deserve me? That I, too, have been pushing people away for so long because I thought that’s what I deserved after my own father chose his happiness over mine? Am I out of my mind for wanting Kayden? For saying what I’m about to say?
Oh, fuck it.
“You deserve happiness, and you deserve love. I don’t need you to be perfect, Kayden.
I never wanted you to be. I just wanted you to be mine.
To stop fighting me. To give in to me. To give me what I want.
” I pause. “What happened between us in the past few weeks meant everything. I can handle you, Kayden, if you let me. You and all your imperfections, and your inner demons. I’ll keep Devon on a leash if I have to. ”
He swallows and fixes his gaze on mine, pressing his thumb to my chin and forcing me to keep my eyes on him. I could get lost in the darkness of his blue irises.
“Why?”
“Because I love you, too, idiot,” I say.
“I love you, and I don’t give a damn anymore if the world knows.
I don’t care how wrong it is. We’ve been through so much shit that our relationship being taboo is the least of my concerns.
Fuck what our parents or anyone might think. I want you. I choose you, Kayden.”