Chapter Thirty-Nine
THIRTY-NINE
My boots snap twigs and crunch on top of leaves as I run and I run.
What I thought would be a walk to clear my head quickly morphed into a desperate need to get as far from the academy as possible.
My legs and arms pump as I push myself further into the forest. I don’t know how long I’ve been running for, but my breathing is ragged, my heart is thrashing inside my chest, and my muscles are screaming at me to stop.
Trees pass in a blur of brown and green, and my dagger strapped to the inside of my leg feels heavier the more I exert myself.
I can still hear the ocean over my heavy panting and decide to head toward it. Meanwhile my thoughts are spiralling out of control. The trees thin out the closer I get to the cliff’s edge, their placements are sparser, making it easier to traverse through the forest.
I keep running, right until I can see the horizon.
Clear and blue, not a cloud in sight. By now I would usually stop and sit among the trees but this time, I don’t.
Instead, I find myself eventually slowing to a jog and then a walk.
My eyes squint against the sun as I leave the cover of trees and step into the open expanse before me.
If I wasn’t breathing so heavily, I would gasp at how serene the ocean looks as it stretches far beyond what I can see.
I’ve never come out this far, never walked this close to the edge.
The tips of my boots are a mere seven feet from the drop -off point; the crashing waves are deafening.
Salty air blows my hair around my face, the white strands billow in my periphery widely, no doubt forming knots that I’ll have to brush out later tonight.
I feel almost weightless out here, like nothing really matters in comparison to the larger-than-life cliff edges I can see standing proud either side of me.
They stretch on and on, seeming endless.
The woes of my life seem utterly pointless and lacking when I think about it.
I am a blip in the ocean compared to how long these cliffs have been here and will continue to be here well after I am gone.
How many others have stood right in this spot before me? How many will come after?
Did the ocean make them feel as small as I do?
The cliffs, the wind, the ocean. Stars, even the heat of the sun that’s warming my shoulders and turning them pink. All of them connect somehow to the elements the students walking the academy halls behind me possess.
So why don’t I?
Why is it that when I look inside myself, I find nothing? I feel empty and barren of magic.
Frustrated tears fall from my eyes; the bite of the wind causes them to trickle faster down my cheeks. Even the most beautiful of views cannot dissipate my tremulous thoughts.
For some reason the words Sebastian said to me when he found me out by the cliffs weeks ago pop into my mind. When he told me Lukas would be ashamed of me. And reminded me how superior Lukas was at everything he did.
I resented the idea at the time that my brother would be disappointed in what I’ve become.
But now, after I have been here for weeks and still there isn’t even a scrap of magic simmering inside me, I’m starting to wonder if Sebastian was right.
I’ve read countless chapters about our people’s magic, about Valmora and how our Stars gifted each of us a fraction of theirs.
How it has been passed down generation by generation.
Maybe when Lukas was born, he took it all.
Maybe he sucked our bloodline dry and when it was finally my time to fill our mother’s womb, there was nothing left for me.
Or maybe I came out defective, forever destined to live in my brother’s shadow.
Stars. My head drops.
Shame fills me as I let these awful thoughts plague my mind. I try to shake them out of my head but end up wrapping my arms around myself as darker ones replace them. Like a rolling storm, they just keep coming.
Like the anger I’m starting to feel toward Lukas.
He was born naturally gifted, yet I am clearly lacking no matter how hard I’ve tried.
Because it’s not like I haven’t. I trained with him; I practised my magic every night for years until I cried and sweat was beading at my temples.
I don’t stand here and ask for a reward, without believing I must work for it.
But how much harder must I work? How much longer do I have to hate what I am before I feel like I’m worth something?
Lukas was talented and I loved him for that. Because he gave me someone to look up to. He was easy to admire and put on a pedestal, but maybe I put him up too high. Maybe there is a piece of me that knows I’ll never measure up to his success. That I’ll never be him.
I’ll just be this.
Magicless.
Useless.
If I can’t wield magic, I won’t last much longer here. So where does that leave me?
For the first time since Lukas died, I wish he would come back. Not just because I miss him, but because I want to yell at him.
Why did you leave me here?
Why am I not like you?
Why did you look so worried that day and yet you still left?
Why did you come back here?
What did you do?
‘What did you fucking do?!’ I scream against the salty wind; my hands fist my hair. My voice cracks and I just … let go.
I yell and shout and cry. I cry so much that my head starts to hurt.
My temples ache from where my hair has been tugged so many times, my palms sting from where my nails have dug little crescent moons into the flesh and my heart breaks …
because I feel so angry and resentful to the one person I came here to protect.
I came here to protect him. I put aside the dreams I once had for myself.
I joined his unit. I’m delving into dangerous territory with the friends I’ve made here to get into Agate’s library, for him.
All while I feel like I’m slowly losing myself, doubting who I am and what I’m even here for, and it just makes me want to—
A chunk of the cliff suddenly splinters beneath my feet, and there’s a deafening crack right before the ground gives way beneath me.
My gasp is caught in my throat when I feel myself pitching downward. My arms fling out to grab onto something, but air meets them … I fall.
A scream erupts from me as the ground turns to rubble, my stomach drags painfully against rock as I drop and slam against it.
My fingers dig into the ground desperately trying to find purchase as the lower half of my body slips over the edge.
The sea seems to roar beneath my dangling legs as if it’s waiting for my descent. Greedy to swallow me whole.
Panic rises in my chest.
My feet start kicking, frantic to find anything solid to connect to and use as leverage to push myself up. My elbows dig in, my teeth clench, my eyes sting with hot unshed tears.
I don’t know how to swim.
I don’t know how to bloody swim!
I scramble, half off the edge, for what seems like minutes but is really only a handful of seconds before the toes of my right foot find a small lip in the cliff face. The sudden surge of relief is what kicks my survival instincts into drive.
‘I will not fucking die like this,’ I grit through my teeth as my fingers latch onto a small rock near the edge.
I did not come all this way just to fall off a cliff and sink to the bottom of the ocean.
I have not survived multiple attacks on my life, fought a shadow walker and gained more scars on my body than I thought possible, just to go out this way.
I will not die.
My toes find purchase.
The tips of my fingers strain, my nails bending as they curl around the rock.
I will not die.
The rock doesn’t give way immediately. I exhale heavily in relief and take a second to slow my breathing down.
I feel around with my other hand for something else to grip onto, knocking off debris and loose stones that skitter past my head, dust clouding my eyes as I pat the top of the cliff.
Finally, I feel another chunk of rock sticking up.
It’s a bit larger than the one my other hand is curled around.
I pull on it, ensuring it’s not going to break or fall free before gripping it for dear life.
When I’m sure I can move, I push with my foot and pull with my arms, and I haul my body up.
My back strains, my arms and fingers burn, but powered by sheer determination, I scramble over the lip and onto safe, flat ground.
I’m crawling on my hands and knees, away from the edge when I hear a shout and boots crunching across dirt and rocks.
Seconds later, two large hands haul me up and into strong arms that wrap around me like vines.
‘What the fuck did I say about being reckless!’ Sebastian growls, his voice raw against the crashing wind.
My heart leaps into my throat as the smoky rich scent of him cuts through the scent of salt and my fear.
He walks backward to pull me further away from the edge, back to where it’s safe.
The second I realise I’m not going to fall, my knees buckle.
He goes down with me, holding my body to his as I start to shake so violently my teeth chatter.
‘I almost …’ I stop as the words get caught in my throat. I almost died!
My arms wrap around Sebastian, my fingers dig into the shirt at his back, seeking something – anything – solid and real. I bury my face in his chest, and he lets me. In fact, I feel his arms tighten around me, as if he is the one seeking comfort.
‘What were you thinking, coming out here by yourself?’
I start to shake my head. ‘I didn’t— I just—’ My words dissolve into hiccups and I feel my throat burn as tears threaten to spill free. The gravity of the situation starts to hit, my adrenaline wearing off.