Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
Deacon
Every week, I’m reminded how Sundays are by far the worst day of the week for me.
Yesterday was almost unbearable. After I left the townhouse, I ended up in the office.
I knew Aurora wouldn’t be at the hotel, and without the chance of a glimpse of her, there didn’t seem any point in not being in the office. I wasn’t in the least bit productive.
At least Aurora agreed over text to spend her Monday lunch hour with me.
As I head to Washington Square Park, carrying a picnic lunch organized by my assistant, I wish I hadn’t worn a suit.
Normally I always feel more productive in office attire, but today, it feels ridiculous to be wearing a suit on a date with the only woman I’ve ever had a lunchtime date with.
The sky is blue apart from big, fluffy clouds here and there in the sky, like they’ve escaped their pen and they’re bolting to freedom. I should be in shorts and a t-shirt.
I haven’t slept much since Saturday night.
After our awkward conversation on the dance floor, Aurora was whisked away by Darcy and I only saw her once more before I left.
She wanted to spend the evening celebrating Ryder and being with her best friend, not discussing our relationship difficulties. I get it.
I’ve spent every waking hour since trying to find a solution to how I can have her and be the best father I can be.
Long distance would be a challenge if we both worked nine-to-five jobs and I didn’t have Willow.
But I work long hours and I’m with Willow four nights a week.
I can’t add up flying to the UK on top of that.
And it’s not like Aurora can come to New York and work remotely.
She has the offer at Hotel on Ninth Street, but there’s a reason she didn’t tell me about it.
I hate not being able to find solutions to problems. I like to fix things, find a path through, make them perfect. But I’m struggling to see the solution to this situation with Aurora and that makes me feel weak. And I hate that.
If she was living in New York, and not just here for the summer, then there wouldn’t be any pressure.
If I ignored Ryder’s word of warning, we could just date and see how things went.
We could let things develop naturally. But she’s standing on a burning platform.
She needs to make a choice, and soon. I don’t want her to decide to stay based on what’s going to happen or not happen between her and me, because I can’t offer her any certainty.
As much as I can’t imagine Aurora not being in my life, I don’t know how she fits long term.
I don’t want to give her up, but I don’t want to hurt her.
“Hey, stranger,” a voice calls from a bench.
I chuckle as Aurora smiles up from the bench I’m standing beside.
She lifts her sunglasses, her eyes glistening in the bright sunlight.
“You’re beautiful,” I say. I press a kiss to her lips and then take a seat beside her.
“The sun makes everything look good,” she says.
“You look good in the dark. I’ve seen the evidence.”
The corners of her mouth twitch and she shakes her head. “Did you bring lunch? Because I’m starving.”
I shift up the bench and dump the backpack between us. “I have no idea what’s in here, but my assistant is usually pretty good at being thrown a curveball.”
“Hold that thought. I brought a blanket. Let’s go under the trees and get some shade.”
She obviously earmarked a place for us to sit, so I follow her and help her set out the blanket.
“I feel even more ridiculous in this suit now,” I say, as I take off my jacket and sit on the blanket.
“For the record, you look anything but ridiculous in the suit.”
“Anything but ridiculous?” I say, teasing her. Why is it this easy between us? Even though we need to discuss serious things, even though I’m determined to find a way forward, it’s always so easy with Aurora.
She blushes, and I have to resist the urge to crawl over her and kiss her into next week.
“How’s Darcy?” I ask, as I pull out the food.
“She’s Darcy,” she replies. “It was good to see her for sure.” She frowns at me still bringing out packages of food. “Are you expecting more people?” she asks. “There’s a lot of food here.”
“My assistant understands that we all have to under-promise and over-deliver.”
She laughs and it lights up every cell in my body. God, her laugh is like the warmth of a fire or the light in the dark. Every place she is, she makes it better.
We unpack the parcels of food to find stuffed rolls and cold meats, cheeses and salads. There’s enough food for a dozen people. Finally, I pull out plates and cutlery and divide them between us.
“How often have you done a picnic on your lunchtime?” she asks, transferring some salad onto her plate.
“You’re bringing a lot of firsts into my life, Aurora,” I say. “And I’m better for it.”
“That’s a nice thing to say,” she replies.
“I mean it.” I pour us some old-fashioned lemonade into the paper cups that my assistant has packed.
She gives me a shy smile, but doesn’t respond.
“So you grew up with the Westburys,” I say. “That must have been…interesting.”
“It was fun.” She looks at me like she thinks I’m stalling. She’s ready to get down to business.
“So you have a permanent job offer,” I say, like it’s new information.
“Yes,” she says. “Which is flattering. But New York was never meant to be a permanent thing.”
I nod. She’s always been clear about that.
“Right, but it could be,” I say. “And I really like you, Aurora. I think you like me too.”
“I do,” she says. “I really like you, Deacon. But that doesn’t mean—”
“I’m not ready for things to end in less than a month.” I want to be clear with her.
She sighs. It’s not the engagement ring that Ryder told me to present her with, because we didn’t know each other three months ago. But I can’t end things with her. It doesn’t make sense.
“That’s when my current contract ends.” She says it carefully, like she doesn’t want to give away any more than is necessary.
“With everything that’s going on with Gabby and her engagement and then Willow moving between our homes, things are shifting all the time.”
“I understand,” she says, with a finality in her tone that’s difficult to hear. It’s like she’s resigned to our breaking up.
“I can’t control what Gabby does,” I continue.
“I can’t stop Gabby getting engaged. I can’t stop her insisting on different custody arrangements.
” I take a breath. Because everything after what I’ve just said is newly formed in my brain.
It’s only since Ryder’s party that I’ve even entertained anything more with Aurora, and I don’t want to say too much—to over-promise and then not be able to deliver.
I can’t wrap everything up in a neat little parcel and finish it with a bow.
“Willow is dealing with everything really well so far. As much as I can tell. We’re due to tell her about moving between our houses in a couple of days. I’ll know more then.”
Aurora nods, waiting for me to say more.
“You said that you gave up your job at the hotel in Chilternshire, right?”
“Yes.”
“So it’s not like you’re going back to anything?”
She shifts on the blanket. “No, but I know they haven’t filled my job. They know I’m due back in Chilternshire at the end of the summer. I’ve worked there a long time, and I’m pretty confident of getting my job back when I leave New York.”
When I leave New York.
The words feel like squeezed lemon juice on a bleeding cut.
I can’t bear the thought of her going back to a life where I didn’t know her, but she seems to be resigned to it.
Anyone looking at our situation would think this was some summer romance, but that’s not it for me.
Aurora is special to me. She’s more than special, she’s…
I’m just not prepared to give up on what’s between us.
I need to rescue this situation. I need to take a leap of faith.
I wasn’t expecting her to say she had a job to go back to. I didn’t realize she’d have an incentive to get back to the UK as soon as possible.
I thought she might be open to extending things in New York without any promises from me. But it’s more complicated because everything’s more complicated.
“I can see myself being with you, for a long time, Aurora. Like I can picture a life with you,” I say.
Her mouth falls open a little and her eyes widen a fraction. It wasn’t what she was expecting.
“Seeing you with Willow at the townhouse, well…it gave me hope that one day maybe I’d be able to move forward and give Willow more than just me.
That I’d give her a family. Like I said, now, there’s lots of change in Willow’s life.
I don’t want to add to that. And I don’t think you and I are in a place where we can make a lifetime’s commitment to each other…
” I pause, trying to read Aurora’s reaction.
Does she agree? Was she expecting a proposal?
She shakes her head a little.
“But I want to see if what we have can work.”
She takes a forkful of the Greek salad my assistant prepared and chews. She’s buying herself time to think. I get it. Thinking is all I’ve done since Saturday.
She holds my gaze and swallows. “So what are you suggesting?”
“I want to continue to see you and only you, with a view to being more to each other at some point.”
She frowns slightly. “That sounds…”
I replay the words in my head. They were carefully chosen…but maybe too carefully chosen. “I know that doesn’t sound romantic, but I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. I don’t ever want to hurt you.”
She sighs and something deep in my gut twists. I need to be touching her, but it’s awkward out here in the open, sitting on the grass.
“Come, sit with me,” I say, patting the grass beside me.
“Come sit with me,” she says, patting the grass beside her.
Fair enough.
I stand up, move closer to her, and sit. Then I pull her onto my lap. We’re face to face and it feels better instantly.