Chapter 31 #2
“I really care about you,” I say. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone.
Ever. I don’t want to lose you. But I can’t rush this.
Willow is my priority. But I want to be clear that for the first time ever, I see more than me and Willow.
I can picture you and me and Willow, and maybe some other kids.
For the first time, I want something more than to furiously defend the status quo.
” Instead of only wanting the same to repeat itself over and over, I finally see that change might be a good thing.
A good thing if it involves expanding my life to include Aurora.
She leans closer, and I wrap my arms around her.
“You’ve shifted everything for me. I’m just asking for some time. Some patience. That’s all.”
“I get it,” she says. “I know this is a big change for you.” She pauses, and I wait for her to follow it up with some kind of sign that she’s willing to try.
Willing to give us all time. “I need to tell you something,” she says, her tone serious.
She pulls away a little so we’re looking at each other.
Her eyes dip to my chest and then back up.
“I’ve been having some tests recently. I’m thirty-six now, and I’ve been thinking about freezing my eggs. ”
My heart is thundering. What is she going to say?
“You don’t need to know the ins and outs,” she continues, “but it looks like it would be unlikely that I’ll ever be able to have children.”
This was the last thing I was expecting her to say.
“Okay,” I say, unsure of how I’m supposed to react.
“So that might change things for you. If you’ve changed your mind and have decided that you’d like to extend your family, then I’m not sure I’m the right woman for you.”
I frown, unclear about what she’s saying.
“What do you mean, you’re not the right woman for me? I’m sitting here telling you that you’re the only woman I’ve ever felt this way about. You’re the only woman who I’ve introduced to my daughter, the only woman I’ve considered a future with.”
“But I can’t have children. If that’s what you want, then…” She blinks once, twice, then looks away.
She’s upset.
My insides twist and the pain is like an old bruise I thought had long-since healed, come to the surface again. I want to fix it. I want to take it all away and make it better.
“Hey,” I say, pulling her closer. “I can’t imagine how finding out something like that must feel. I’m sorry.” She tries to pull away, but I hold her close. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
She presses the heels of her hands against her eyes. “I’m fine. It’s just…I’ve always imagined being a mum one day, and now…” Her voice cracks and she doesn’t finish the sentence.
We sit, my arms wrapped around her until she’s ready to speak.
“You should know that, if you’re trying to imagine a future with me. Because it’s likely that future wouldn’t…” She swallows. “Wouldn’t involve more children.”
Witnessing her pain turns my stomach inside out. I want her to know how much I want to take that pain away for her.
“Aurora,” I say. What can I possibly say that will fix this? I can tell her we could find the best doctors or look into adoption. But is that what she wants to hear?
I’m in uncharted territory. I don’t know what I’m expected to say. But I know what I feel. “That doesn’t change what I’ve said or how I feel about you.”
She avoids my gaze. “You can’t know that. You’ve only just found out. If you see yourself with more children, then—”
“There are plenty of ways to have children,” I say.
“And I’m not saying that’s definitely what I…
” I’m not quite sure what I’m saying, but I don’t want us to start planning what our future looks like when I don’t know.
If Aurora and I end up together, then we’ll figure it out.
I have no doubt about that. “Nothing’s guaranteed in this world. And there are options for you.”
She sighs. “I’m not sure about that,” she says.
“You don’t have to think about any of that now.”
“Yes, but you do. If you want a family, Deacon, then I’m not the woman—”
“My feelings haven’t changed. I told you we can figure out things as we go along.”
Her gaze stays fixed on her lap, like she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. I wish I could pull out a crystal ball and show her the future I think we can have. A future where Willow is a happy, thriving kid with two devoted families. She’s not missing out.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted for my daughter.
Willow has to come first. I can’t rush things with Aurora.
“That’s all I’ve ever done, Deacon—let life happen to me. I’ve spent my life waiting in the wings and now I’m ready to go on stage. It’s time.”
“You’re right. Asking you to wait is asking a lot. But wouldn’t walking away be worse?”
She sighs and leans back on my chest. “I don’t know if I have the strength to walk away from you.”
Hope surges in my chest. I don’t want her to walk away. Not now and maybe not ever.
“Then don’t. Stay here. Stay in New York.”
I pull her closer, and as I do, the clouds shift and our shade under the trees is interrupted by bright sunshine.
Stay for me, I don’t say. I can’t say. But maybe I will say, one day soon.