Chapter 32
THIRTY-TWO
Deacon
The handover between me and Gabby usually lasts no more than a second.
She has her life. I have mine and there are no need for catch-ups.
We text during the week if big things happen with Willow.
Lucia knows the rest. When Gabby asks me for a word as soon as I get home on Wednesday evening, my stomach lurches.
“In private,” she says.
My gut twists. What bomb is she about to drop on me now?
I follow her into the living room. Willow is eating her dinner with Lucia and I can hear them chatting. They won’t be able to hear anything Gabby and I talk about.
“I’m pregnant,” she whispers, stopping my blood cold. “Four months, and I’m starting to show. I’m going to have to tell Willow.”
I take a step away from her. “Pregnant?” I whisper-shout. “One day you’re getting engaged and the next day you’re four months pregnant?” Then I realize that she and Ray have gotten engaged because of the pregnancy. They would have known for months.
Fuck. I feel like such an idiot. Why didn’t I guess this was what came next?
“Now Willow’s going to have a half brother or sister out of nowhere, and you’re just dropping this on me now?”
“Jesus Christ, Deacon, I’m not dropping this on you. This has nothing to do with you at all. I’m only telling you because Willow might want to share her feelings about it with you.”
“Willow is just getting used to the thought of you and Ray getting married. We haven’t even told her that she’s going to have to move home twice a week, and now she’s having a half-sibling?” I shake my head, trying to contain my anger.
This is the problem with Gabby, she doesn’t think about Willow.
It’s exhausting. Willow has never been her priority.
That’s why I ended up having Willow every Saturday night and not alternating as we first agreed—Gabby was always out, and so it didn’t make sense for her to come back to the townhouse, only to abandon her as soon as she was in bed.
It’s not like Gabby can slip out discreetly.
She takes at least three hours to get ready, which means she wouldn’t be putting Willow to bed anyway.
So I have to come in to steady the ship—to make sure I provide the consistency that Willow needs. Someone who she knows isn’t going anywhere.
“This is life,” Gabby says. “It doesn’t just stay the same day in and day out.
We’re not designed as humans to be bored out of our heads.
We’re meant to have stages in our lives.
Different chapters. Maybe you should worry less about protecting Willow from every change in her world and have her embrace life.
Embrace the color that change can bring.
You can’t lock her up in a tower so nothing can happen to her. ”
Gabby thinks life is all sunshine and roses, and it has been for her.
Gabby has lived a charmed life. She’s been lucky.
She doesn’t understand that sometimes, even as a child, life can be excruciating.
It can feel like you can’t breathe, like someone’s got their foot on your neck and you are too small and powerless to do anything but lie there. I just want Willow to be protected.
“Stop trying to justify the complete chaos that you bring to her life. As usual, I’m going to have to pick up the pieces that are left behind because of your life choices.”
She frowns and throws up her hands. “What pieces, Deacon?” she whisper-shouts. “There are no pieces. Willow is a beautiful, confident little girl. She’s well-adjusted and happy.”
“And I want her to stay that way.”
She nods, but not in a way that she’s agreeing with me. “Exactly, you want to freeze time and have everything stay exactly how it is right now. But guess what? Willow is reading now. She can swim. Soon she’ll be learning physics and chemistry. It’s all new information. Change. It’s all good.”
“I’m not trying to have her stay six for the rest of her life. I’m just trying to protect her from change that’s going to hurt her. I would have thought you would want to do that too.”
“I’m trying to build a happy life, Deacon. I want Willow to be happy, but I don’t think my daughter’s happiness needs to come at the expense of my own. And I don’t think every change in Willow’s life is catastrophic.”
“I’m not saying every change is catastrophic. Just the catastrophic ones. The ones where suddenly she’s having to move house twice a week.”
“She’s going to be fine with it,” Gabby snaps. “She’ll adjust. And she’ll have a sibling. This is good, Deacon, if only you could see it.”
“How do you know?”
“Let’s go and tell her.” She starts to turn to the kitchen.
I grab her wrist and pull her back. “Seriously, Gabby?”
She shakes off my hand. “Seriously. You’ve been putting it off and putting it off.
She has to know sooner or later. And frankly, she needs to get used to our new arrangement in plenty of time for the baby.
You have two weeks to get used to the idea, and from August 13th, Willow is going to start staying out our place. ”
The blood in my veins is bubbling with panic. She can’t fast-forward things like this. I expected the nesting arrangement to end when Gabby got married, and I didn’t expect that to happen for at least eighteen months. Big New York weddings take a long time to plan.
“Stop this,” I say. “You can’t get mad at me and make Willow suffer.”
“I’m not making Willow suffer, you asshole. All I’m trying to do is live my life, Deacon. Why don’t you try to do that too? What about that woman you had over here the other day. You weren’t too concerned about Willow being disrupted by that.”
“I’m not marrying her,” I spit out.
“Maybe you should. Maybe you’d let go of some of these crazy ideas that you can protect your daughter from everything. Then maybe Willow would have half a chance at a normal childhood. Willow is not in danger. She’s not in pain. She’s not Penny.”
The blood in my veins turns to ice.
“Penny?” Why on earth would she bring up my sister.
The scrape of a chair on the hardwood stops Gabby and me from sniping at each other, and Willow comes bounding toward us.
“I thought you had to go, Mommy?” Willow says, reaching up for a hug from her mother.
Normally Gabby would bend and pick her up, but instead, she kneels down. “I love you so much, Willow. I’m going to see you on Sunday.”
“Okay, say hi to Ray for me.”
I try and tamp down the pure anger that I feel radiating from every pore. How dare Gabby create such chaos, try to put it on me, and just walk away.
At least Willow has me. And she and I will be in this house together. I can provide my daughter with the safety and security that she needs. I can keep everything the same for her until her ship settles in its new waters.