7. Addie
Chapter 7
Addie
I t’s been two weeks since that night with Thrash. The tattoo he marked me with is all healed up now. I thought things would be awkward between us after I ran, but we’ve gone right back to how we’ve always been.
It’s like that night never happened.
Like he never told me he loved me.
I knew it was too good to be true.
In my entire life, I don’t think I’ve ever felt real love. Sure, my girls love me, but that’s not the kind of love I mean.
My mom died when I was a baby, and I never knew my father. I was bounced around from home to home until I turned eighteen and aged out. Not one time have I ever felt like someone truly loved me.
So, why should Thrash be any different?
“Hey,” he says as he comes up to the reception counter. “I’m starving and was thinking pizza and horror movies if you’re down.”
“Sure. Sounds great,” I say. This is at least the third time we’ve done this. Food and hanging out since that night. Nothing physical, no loved professed... It’s seriously to the point where I’m starting to wonder if him fucking me was some sort of weird delusion and didn’t actually happen. “But my car is in the shop until tomorrow.”
“You can ride with me then. I’ll either bring you back into town or you can crash at my place.”
I gather up my purse and phone, following him out to his truck.
The drive to his house is quiet. As much as I’ve tried to ignore the things he said that night, I can’t stop thinking about them. And it’s getting to the point that I need to confront him about it.
As we sit down with our pizza, the movie starting, I blurt it out. “Did you mean what you said?”
“I always mean what I say.” He glances at me before casually taking a bite of his pizza. “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t.”
“Then why haven’t you said anything about it since?”
“Because I told you I’m not going anywhere. I meant that too.” He sets down his pizza and looks me dead in the eye. “I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to believe it, but it’s the truth.”
I take a bite of my pizza, chewing slowly as I process what he just said. He’s right. It’s hard to believe anyone could love me. Maybe it’s time to open up to him in ways I’ve never opened up to anyone before.
“I grew up in foster care.”
“I know.”
“Yeah, but I’ve never really told you how much that affected me. Do you know what it’s like to be desperate for someone to choose you? To tell you you’re good enough to belong?”
“Yeah, in a way I do.” His eyes meet mine, and I see a depth of emotion that surprises me. “My dad died when I was young, and it wrecked my mom. She was never the same after that. He was the bread winner, and after he was gone, things got really bad. I grew up without so much of things people take for granted, and because of that, I never felt like I was good enough to fit in either.”
“I didn’t know your dad died when you were a kid... My mom died when I was just a baby. I don’t think I was even a year old, so I don’t remember her at all. And I don’t even know who my father is.” I pause, taking a deep breath. “All I’ve ever wanted was a family. And every time someone sent me back or didn’t want me... It felt like someone was ripping out my heart.” I shake my head. “And I know it’s stupid, but it made me afraid to let people get too close. I used to think I’d just have my own family when I grew up, but then I guess I didn’t realize how hard it would be for me to let someone in so I could start the family I’ve always wanted.”
“You can let me in. I wouldn’t ever hurt you.”
“You say that, but you can’t know that. Love hurts. People leave.”
“I won’t. I fucking promise you that.”
“How can you be so sure? What if I’m not what you expected? You might wake up one day and decide you don’t want me or that I’m too much to handle. You could walk away from me. Leave me like everyone else has.”
“I won’t.”
“How can you promise me that?”
“Because my life was hollow before I met you. I can’t go back to that.”
He cups my cheek and pulls me in for a kiss. I can’t stop the tear from spilling down my cheek. “I’m just so scared.”
“I know, baby girl, but I’m not going anywhere.” He kisses me again, his lips moving against mine with a hunger I’ve never felt before. His tongue slips into my mouth, and I moan, my body sinking into his.
“I’m not letting you go,” he says between kisses.
“Noah,” I breathe. “Can you do something for me?”
“Anything, baby girl.”
“Just hold me. I just... I just need that.”
“Come here.” He pulls me into his lap, and I curl against his chest, my head tucked under his chin.
I close my eyes and listen to the steady rhythm of his heart, relish the way his chest rises with each breath. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tight. I feel safe and warm, and I never want to leave.
He strokes my hair, his fingers running through it, lulling me into a deep sense of peace. I relax, my body molding to his.
“I love you... I’ll prove it to you every day for the rest of my life if I have to.”
I smile against his chest, letting out a soft sigh. “I’m going to try to be less afraid. I want to let you in. I really do.”
I snuggle closer to him. I’ve never felt so at peace, so safe. And I want to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can.
“Can I stay the night?” I ask, looking up at him.
“Of course.”
“And maybe... cuddle some more?”
He chuckles. “You got it.”
I don’t know when it happens, but at some point I fall asleep.
And I wake up the next morning in bed by his side, feeling like maybe love is something I can have after all.
Something even someone like me deserves.