Chapter 44 #2
“That was different.”
“How?”
He stands, wiping his hands on his jeans, jaw clenched. “She’s Zac’s wife. You think he’ll forgive us if something happens to her because of this?”
“He’ll blame us either way,” I say. “If something happens and she doesn’t have the extra means to take care of herself. The help we could have given her. How do you think he’ll feel then?”
“He won’t blame us.”
“Maybe not. But he’ll regret it.” I pause. “Zac’s locked up, Jordan. He’s not here. He doesn’t see what she’s like without him. She’s unravelling, and you know it.”
He scoffs. “She’s not unravelling. She just feels useless.”
“Exactly,” I say, heat rising under my skin. “So let’s show her she doesn’t have to be. Let her help, in whatever way she can. She needs this.”
The muscle in his jaw twitches as he stares at me. Then he shakes his head. “No. We respect Zac’s wishes.”
“Even when they’re wrong?”
His eyes flick up again, dark and sharp. “Especially then.”
“Your loyalty to that man is clouding your judgment,” I snap.
He hauls on his denim jacket and slings his bag over his shoulder. “I’d rather not screw over the one person who always takes risks for us.”
I laugh once, dry and bitter. “He’s not the only one.”
“I love you,” he says softly. Stepping towards me, he wraps a hand around my waist, pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. “We’ll discuss it tomorrow.” The words hang between us, heavy and final, as he moves past me towards the door.
I follow, staying a few steps behind. I lean against the kitchen doorframe as he pulls the door open.
There’s a sharp clacking from the street, and then Emilia’s standing on the step—home from work. “Oh! Jordan,” she says, blinking. “Off to work?”
“Yeah,” he says.
Her smile is small and sad. “I don’t envy you.” He gives her a small laugh, and then he’s gone, disappearing into the evening sun. Emilia steps inside and closes the door behind her.
“It’s girls’ night,” I say softly, voice heavier than I want it to be.
Her eyebrows lift, and she shrugs. “Guess so.” She reaches down, tugging the boots off her feet. “You know, I’ll be okay on my own. Won’t there be another inspection soon? You and Jordan should be at your own house.”
I shift, retreating into the kitchen before answering, not wanting to meet her eyes. “Next inspection isn’t until next Tuesday.”
It’s quiet as she pads into the kitchen behind me.
“Let me guess? You have your ways? Your resources?” she says, her tone sharp. I bite down, trying to resist the urge to tell her everything. Instead, I hand her the beef sandwich I made. She stares at it for a moment, before uttering her thanks and slouching into the dining chair, defeated.
I lean back against the counter, knuckles white as I clutch the surface. “Em—”
“It’s fine, Claudia,” she mutters before taking a bite of her food.
I shouldn’t leave her alone—not after the other day—but I can’t look at her any longer without every single secret spilling from my lips. I tell her I’ll be five minutes and head upstairs, taking a quick shower before tugging on my spare joggers and hurrying back down.
The kitchen is empty.
Fuck.
“Emilia?” I call out. I’ve never been so idiotic. Fear claws up my throat as I rush to the back door. Just because I’m scared of telling her too much, of betraying Jordan’s word, I left her alone. Messy and alone, left to run off and do God knows what—
Emilia sits in the courtyard, staring up at the darkening sky. For a moment, I just stand in the doorway, panic still gripping my chest so hard it hurts.
“Emilia?” I say softly, stepping outside.
She doesn’t turn, just mutters, “Hey.”
“You okay?” I slowly lower myself to the step beside her.
“Yeah.”
I follow her gaze, up to the hues of red and yellow painting the horizon with the only beauty the State hasn’t been able to stifle.
“Zac likes the stars,” Emilia says suddenly. “It’s a clear day, so they’ll be out soon.”
A small smile tugs at my lips before I respond. “I know.”
She doesn’t respond, so I continue.
“Sometimes, when he gets angry, that’s where he’ll go. Outside. Away from everyone. Just staring up at the night sky,” I tell her. “He’s not so amenable in winter when he can’t see them as often.”
She shrugs. “You just have to find beauty elsewhere. Last December, Sam and I walked out to the lake at Wollaton Park. There was ice in the trees, and fog swirling above the water. Magical.”
“Sounds it,” I murmur. “I’ve never been out there.”
She shrugs again, hugging her knees to her chest. “I wouldn’t recommend it. Enforcers built a boathouse there in March. They use it on their days off.”
I sigh, dropping my arms between my legs. “Oh.”
“And that’s how it always is. How it will always be.
” Her voice is faint. Flat, distant, fragile.
I turn to look at her. Lip trembling, her eyes brim with tears as she stares at the sinking sun.
Her fists are clenched so tightly that her knuckles are paler than white.
Her dirty top—the one she hasn’t bothered changing out of since getting home—is hanging off her shoulder.
She doesn’t care anymore. I don’t think she’s looked in a mirror in days. And I know from Heidi that this isn’t usual when it comes to Emilia.
“Just… us losing everything. Everyone.” She sucks in a breath, dropping her head. “To them.”
Something in her tone has my chest aching. It’s utterly hollow and defeated, the kind that babysitting her, and keeping her wrapped in a roll of cotton wool won’t fix.
I swallow hard. Emilia doesn’t need empty reassurances from me. She needs something real. Something meaningful.
Hope.
A reason to fight back. A way to reclaim even a molecule of control in this awful world. The same hope I needed when I first married Jordan and spent my evenings sobbing over everything the State had done.
“What if we didn’t have to lose everything?” The words spill through my lips, and a crease appears between her brows as she turns towards me. “What if they didn’t win everything?”
Her frown deepens. “What—”
“Screw this,” I mutter, standing from the step and brushing my hand down my navy joggers. I hold my hand out. “Come with me.”
She just stares at it. “Claudia—”
“Do you want to know what our sources are, or not?” Her eyes widen, and she grasps onto my hand, pulling herself to her feet. “Let’s go,” I say, tightening my grip and leading her towards every secret she deserves to know.