6. Not Just Yet
Not Just Yet
Ifeel guilty all of a sudden, but what makes it worse is that I know how it has nothing at all to do with my husband walking in holding a gun.
His gaze slowly scans the room, his body rigid, and that’s when I realize…
“It’s okay,” I say unevenly. “N-Nothing bad happened.”
He doesn’t answer, but he does lower the gun. His gaze remains on me as he makes a call—
“I found her.”
—most likely to Chadwick, based on those three words.
He pockets his phone, and I find myself gulping. Why isn’t he talking? And why do I still feel guilty? I’m sure it’s easy for him to see that I’m not going to make things hard or awkward for him. Shouldn’t he be pleased about that?
The silence in the room is starting to drive me crazy, and my fists clench against my sides in an effort not to lose my composure.
You can do this, Kar.
Just keep it simple.
And…and don’t make things awkward.
So I muster a smile. “You’re…back.”
More silence, and well…
That wasn’t awkward, but it was lame, which is worse.
His gaze finally travels to my half-open suitcase. “What’s all this?”
I can’t believe he’s making me spell it out, but…whatever floats his boat.
Or yacht, in this case.
And so I hang on to my smile with an effort. “Konrad and Joel…”
"What about them?"
I look at him uncertainly. “Are you saying you didn’t have anything to do with their deaths? The news—”
I stop speaking when I see him stiffen.
He…doesn’t know. He wasn’t behind their deaths. But…it doesn’t change a thing.
“I—”
He holds one hand up, and I stop speaking again.
All I can do is watch in tense silence as he checks the news on his phone.
All I can do is wait for things to click for him while my heart starts aching harder and harder.
I’m fighting back tears and struggling to stay upright because I just can’t stop wondering if this right here…
Is this the last time I’ll see him?
The last time I’ll be in the same room as him?
The last time—
Oh.
He’s done. His phone’s back in his pocket. He’s looking at me again, and—
Just like that, I think numbly.
Just like that, everything changes.
Because this time, he knows.
He understands our marriage has reached the end of the road—
“You’re free then.”
And there it is.
Free.
The word makes me want to cry, but I somehow manage to keep smiling. “So are you.”
His hand goes into his coat pocket and stays there, curled around something. Is he itching to ask Chadwick to get rid of me—
I catch myself in time.
Don’t be that girl, Kar.
Us separating doesn’t make Ruel a bad person.
He’ll always be the most honorable man I’ve met, and that’s why…
I just have to remember that is exactly why I can’t hold on to him, and so of course...
“T-Thank you.”
I can’t just leave without acknowledging what he’s done—and what he’s given up—for the past eighteen months.
“You didn’t have to save me, but you did. I’m safe and alive because—”
“What are your plans?”
His interruption throws me off, and my mind draws a blank.
Plans?
How does one even start planning when her heart is still in pieces?
“I—”
He only gazes at me with unyielding dark eyes, and I start feeling nervous like I never have around him before. I start feeling insecure like I used to, before I met him.
Get a grip, Kar.
Stop overthinking this.
Just say what’s on your mind.
That’s always how it’s been between us, and that doesn’t have to change. Shouldn’t. If I start pretending with him, then that will just make the distance between us grow, and so—
“I was thinking we can still be friends?”
He asked me what my plans are, and that’s the only thing that comes to mind. I want to be friends—
“E-Even when we’re divorced?”
But I’m barely done speaking when he’s already asking sharply—
“What for?”
“Because—”
I don’t want this to be the last time I’ll see you.
I still want to be a part of your life.
I love you, and I always will.
I might as well be completely shameless and chain him to me for eternity if I say any of those things. But since I do have some pride and shame left, maybe I can say something else like…
I’m not sure how to live on my own?
My husband stiffens, and that’s when I realize—
Oh no.
I thought I was just testing the words out in my brain, but no.
Oh no.
I feel so, so bad, because I already know. In fact, I can already tell, from the way Ruel’s lips slowly press together in a tight line.
"I understand."
I've turned myself back into a brick around his neck again.
After everything he's done—
No, no, no.
This…this isn’t right. I can't keep imposing on him like this, and the thought alone already has me shaking my head. "Ruel, I think I made a mis—"
“You can continue staying here—”
What?
“—until the divorce is finalized.”
I feel like laughing and crying at the same time when I realize he’s serious. Is that how useless I seem to him? Does he think I’m so…so incapable of taking care of myself that I’d say yes to staying here even though I’ve just asked for a divorce?
“T-Thank you, but no.”
“Then one of my homes—”
I shake my head again. "That's not appropriate."
"I'll book you a hotel room—"
"That will cost too much," I protest.
Impatience flashes in his dark gaze. "Then do you have any suggestions?"
Fall in love with me, I wish I could say, so we don’t have to divorce in the first place.
But thankfully, the words don’t leave my brain this time.
“Have you even planned this out?”
And another thing I’m grateful for is how I’m still standing, despite the razor-sharp edge of his tone. He’s never spoken to me like this before. Never.
“You never even finished college. How do you plan on finding a job?”
“I’m s-sorry—”
“Apologies aren’t plans!”
I can’t help flinching at the way he snaps at me, and for one moment it feels like I’ve traveled back in time, and it’s Joel yelling at me to shut up.
Ruel’s jaw clenches. “I’m sorry.”
All I can do is look at him. I just can’t…I just can’t speak. I feel like I’m back to being my old self, and it’s just better to keep my mouth shut.
“That was uncalled for.”
“It’s fine—”
“It’s not—”
Ruel whitens, and it’s all my fault.
When he raised his voice like that, I just…I just couldn’t help it.
I want to keep my dignity, but instead all I’ve earned is his pity when my tears start to fall.
“Karyna—”
He tries to reach for me, but I stumble back.
“I’m sorry,” he grits out.
I want to tell him he has nothing to apologize for.
That this is all my fault, not his.
“I didn’t mean to raise my voice like that.”
But I just can’t, with my throat all clogged up with tears, and my body shaking so bad it’s as if my pain has turned into a personal earthquake.
“Or snap at you.”
Oh, Ruel.
"Tell me how to make it up to you."
He’s just so honorable.
And that just makes it so, so much harder for me because I’m not as honorable as him.
"Let me just help you," he urges tautly.
I'm about to shake my head and say no—
"Please, Karyna."
But when he says the magic word, it turns me into a girl, standing in front of a boy who's just said please, and that's why…