Chapter 17 #2
“We can discuss scheduling and frequency of sessions before you leave today, but let’s go ahead and get started. Ryan, I’d like to ask you the same thing I asked Melanie in her first session. Tell me about yourself.”
He blinked in surprise, then answered with much more ease than I had.
“I’m forty-three and work as a structural engineer.
In addition to Melanie and our sons, I have a younger brother and a niece and nephew.
” He paused, then said, “I enjoy playing golf, and sports in general. I love to travel. I’m outgoing, I prefer rock music over country, and I can grill a mean steak. ”
Kim nodded, and I noticed how different his answer had been than mine.
I’d had to struggle to come up with an answer to “who is Melanie.” Ryan just knew, without being prompted, and I wondered if I’d always lacked self-awareness, or if that was something that had been conditioned out of me as I put everyone else’s needs first. When had I started seeing myself as an extension of those around me?
I was brought out of my introspection when Ryan started talking again.
“I’m also pretty mechanically inclined and handy around the house.” He turned to look at me apologetically and added, “or I used to be anyway. I’ve slacked off, and somebody else has been taking care of things.” He arched a brow in question, and I shrugged.
“We’ll talk about that later,” he murmured, then turned his attention back to Kim.
“Thank you, Ryan. Now, generally, I find that it’s helpful to start off with the most immediate or pressing issue and work backward until we find the root cause.
Then we’ll jump back in time and talk about your history, how you met, maybe your first date, the wedding, or any of the good things that remind you of why you fell in love in the first place.
That’s the important bit, because the idea is that reminiscing about the happier times will give you an incentive to tackle the hard parts and rebuild the marriage. ”
I was impressed with her suggestion, and I had a feeling that Ryan was, too.
“Now, Melanie, can you tell me what you feel is the most pressing issue?”
I thought about it for a moment before answering, “Ryan started changing two years ago, and not for the better. That’s the biggest problem”
Ryan turned to look at me in surprise. “I really thought you would want to start with everything that happened this weekend.”
“No,” I shook my head as I explained, “I think this weekend was the result of the changes in you. The changes are the disease. This weekend is just one symptom of it.
“Ryan,” Kim interjected. “What do you see as the biggest issue in your marriage?”
“Me,” he admitted. “I fucked up. Sorry,” he said as he winced, and Kim waved her hand in a dismissive gesture and told him that cursing didn’t bother her at all.
“I’ve found that when we try to censor our words, we end up censoring our thoughts as well, and then we can’t be as open and forthright as we need to be in order for therapy to be effective.”
“OK, so I fucked up. Majorly this weekend, and in lots of smaller ways over the past two years. Melanie’s right, I have changed and now that I’m coming to realize that,” he paused and brought a hand up to rub the back of his neck, “I don’t like what I see.”
“Melanie, what do you mean when you say that Ryan had changed?”
“He started to withdraw a little over two years ago, but that was understandable because he was grieving the deaths of his father and his best friend. My father-in-law, Phil, died suddenly of a massive heart attack, and then two months later, Grady was killed in a car accident.”
I glanced at Ryan, who was staring at the wall in front of us, with his jaw clenched and his hands gripping his thighs. The right one wasn’t as swollen today, but the skin was mottled with purple bruising.
“Then, about eighteen months ago, his friend Mitch moved back to town, and that’s when it seemed like Ryan started having a midlife crisis or something.
He started doing everything Mitch was doing, as if they were joined at the hip.
He quit the gym he’d gone to for years and got a membership at the one Mitch went to and then started working out all the time.
He traded in his truck for a Corvette just like the one Mitch bought.
He went from golfing once a month to twice a week.
” I paused to take a breath, then launched back into everything that had happened.
“Every damned time I turned around they were going to a ball game, or out on Mitch’s boat, or out for drinks, or to watch a fight.
He’s missed dinners, vacation, the boy’s games and senior prom, date nights, family gatherings… my birthday.”
I gave Ryan literal side-eye for that one, and he had the good sense to look uncomfortable and embarrassed. I shifted in my seat so I could face him and address my comments to him directly, instead of to Kim.
“At first, I was happy to see you going out and enjoying life again, but then it started getting out of hand. I didn’t want to push too much, because I knew how much you’d missed having Grady here.
I thought maybe it was just a phase, and once the newness of having Mitch back in town faded, things would go back to normal, but they didn’t.
I still tried to be understanding and tread lightly because you were hurting, but it was as if you were trying to stay busy so you could outrun your grief.
” I stopped and tried to swallow around the sudden tightness in my throat.
Kim gestured to the bottles of water on the table, and I reached for one and took a sip.