Chapter 17 #3
“You were rarely home, and when you were, you weren’t actually present.
You were distracted, and antsy, and acted as if it was a hardship to be there.
Every time I mentioned it – asked you to stay home or do something with us instead of with Mitch – it would end in an argument.
When you called me a nag and complained that I was always ‘riding your ass’, I finally stopped asking. ”
Ryan looked distinctly uncomfortable, and I was so angry that I was on the verge of tears, which just pissed me off even more.
“I know you were grieving, dammit, but we were, too. We missed Grady and your dad, almost as much as you did. Then, we missed you, too, because you were almost never home, and when you were, you weren’t the husband and father we knew.”
Ryan started to interrupt, but I just kept talking.
“You became so self-absorbed and started criticizing everything and everyone. You complained that the boys and their friends were too loud and you couldn’t hear the game on TV, even though it had never been a problem before.
You complained that I wasn’t any fun, because I couldn’t just drop everything and do whatever it was you wanted to do on the spur of the moment.
Newsflash, Ryan, I couldn’t just drop everything because you’d already done that!
One of us had to be the responsible one, and it sure as hell wasn’t you. ”
Ryan shot a quick look at Kim as if hoping she’d intervene, but she just calmly sat there and listened.
“You complained about the food, the laundry, and the cleaning, but you weren’t home anymore to help with any of it. I was so busy trying to take care of everything else that I had no time to take care of myself, and then you had the fucking audacity to criticize me for letting myself go!”
Ryan shot me a startled look and immediately objected.
“I’ve never said you were letting yourself go! I think you’re beautiful and sexy and amazing, and I tell you that all the time!”
“You used to, but it’s been a hell of a long time since you’ve said it,” I countered.
“Instead, you bought me some anti-aging, face-firming moisturizer for mature skin and left it next to my sink. It was a less-than-subtle hint, Ryan. So were the new scales that appeared in the bathroom. I especially appreciated the feature that calculates your weight to the ounce and flashes your current weight in bright red lights if you’ve gained since the last weigh-in. That was a nice touch.”
“Wait, just a minute,” he interjected, shooting straight up in his seat.
“I bought that moisturizer stuff because that skincare influencer Mitch was dating for a few weeks last summer told him it was the best stuff on the market, so I figured you’d like it, too.
And I got the scale for myself,” he defended.
“And you spent ten minutes showing me how it worked and telling me how much it would help me prevent middle-aged spread. Does that ring any bells? ‘You have to be careful, Mel, especially having a sedentary desk job like you do.’ My job is more active than yours, by the way, but you’ve probably forgotten that fact since you haven’t asked my about my work in months, including the presentation we’ve been working our asses off for. We got the contract, by the way.”
He slumped back onto his end of the couch and scrubbed his hand over his face as he exhaled noisily.
“And what about these little gems, Ryan? Do you remember these, because I sure as hell do. ‘You’ve got a few extra gray hairs coming in, Mel. Mitch’s new girlfriend is a hair stylist, maybe she can hook you up.
’ How about this one? ‘Are you wearing that dress again? You should ask Mitch’s date where she bought hers.
You could go shopping together.’ Mitch’s date was twenty-two years old, Ryan.
She still shopped in the Juniors section! ”
He closed his eyes and dropped his chin to his chest in defeat, so it was obvious he remembered those incidents.
“What about when I accidentally washed my new jeans on the hot cycle and they shrank two sizes? You walked in while I was struggling to zip them and had the balls to tell me that I should start going to the gym! ‘They’ve got some great personal trainers, Mel, you just have to put in the work.’ I cried while I was throwing those damned jeans in the trash and spent the next three days starving myself until Jen reminded me that my weight wasn’t the fucking problem, you and the hot water cycle were. ”
Ryan looked shell-shocked. “I didn’t know you shrank your jeans in the wash,” he protested.
“I walked into the bedroom, and you looked upset that the jeans didn’t fit, so I assumed you’d gained a few pounds – not that I could tell it, you looked great, just like you always do,” he rushed to clarify.
“So, yes, I suggested the gym…and yes, I realize now that I could have said it more tactfully, but I really was trying to help with what I assumed the issue was.”
I sat there seething as Kim cleared her throat and asked, “Ryan, can you share your thought processes when you commented on Melanie’s hair, or her clothes, or any of the other criticisms she mentioned?”